Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Wish He Understood



By the time he notices that 'attention' is required, my insides are churning. To him, my voice is curt; my fuse is short, my words are blunt.


By the time he notices, I know my voice is curt, my fuse is short and my words are blunt. I wish he understood that beneath that fire breathing dragon exterior, my heart is heavy. My insides are churning and had been long before he noticed. My skin is tight, my face is ugly. I do not like who I see. Who I hear. What I am. I wish he understood.



I wish he understood what it does to me to be left in a bad place.

I wish he understood what it does to me when he says but then does not do.










Those feelings come rushing back. The heavy heart, the churning insides, the ugliness I feel toward myself. I know how I will be if I am left in this spot. I know the pain and anguish I will feel. Beyond the shew he will see. I wish he understood it isn't a choice. For I would never chose that.










I wish he understood that I just want to be able to be 'like everyone else'.






I wish he understood that if I could choose I wouldn't need Dd to help me feel safe and secure.






I wish he truly understood his dominance; his boundaries; his demanding my submission, even if- no especially if, it isn't given, is freeing for me.






I wish he understood that my 'bucking' against an idea, may actually be because I need him to show me he is strong enough to refute me.






I wish he understood that I don't want him to change. I want ME to change.






I wish he understood that by coasting in Dd it makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like I have a problem. I start to examine why I need this and belittle myself for not being 'whole' without it.






I wish he understood that there seems to be no maybes. If you mention it, I cling to it.






I wish he understood that I know he loves me very much, but gentle is not what I need at times.






I wish he understood that all I really want to be is the wife I see on the inside to him on the outside.






I wish he understood that I do honestly know I am asking a lot of him. That I love him for it. That while mistakes seem devastating to me at the time~ I know deep down we shall overcome.






I wish he understood the sobs that escape from me during these times are more a reflection of how I feel about myself and not him.






I wish he understood that all my life I have felt different. I rationalized it to one thing or another over time, but the bottom line is I have felt guarded~ rarely showing any side of vulnerability to anyone. If by chance it did slip out, I would quickly cover it up with sarcasm.






I wish he understood for those reasons I was never comfortable in my own skin~ until Dd.






I wish he understood that Dd gives me ME. It unlocks the doors that guard my heart. It allows me ( on occasion when it is 'working' ) to be unabridged. Light. Free. Happy.






I wish he understood that Dd is more than just a kink. It is more than just scratching an itch. It is a need so great for me. I wish he understood that his safety nets of boundaries, and creating situations outside of my comfort zone truly set me free.....






I wish I understood.