Thursday, September 4, 2014

I Wish He Understood



By the time he notices that 'attention' is required, my insides are churning. To him, my voice is curt; my fuse is short, my words are blunt.


By the time he notices, I know my voice is curt, my fuse is short and my words are blunt. I wish he understood that beneath that fire breathing dragon exterior, my heart is heavy. My insides are churning and had been long before he noticed. My skin is tight, my face is ugly. I do not like who I see. Who I hear. What I am. I wish he understood.



I wish he understood what it does to me to be left in a bad place.

I wish he understood what it does to me when he says but then does not do.










Those feelings come rushing back. The heavy heart, the churning insides, the ugliness I feel toward myself. I know how I will be if I am left in this spot. I know the pain and anguish I will feel. Beyond the shew he will see. I wish he understood it isn't a choice. For I would never chose that.










I wish he understood that I just want to be able to be 'like everyone else'.






I wish he understood that if I could choose I wouldn't need Dd to help me feel safe and secure.






I wish he truly understood his dominance; his boundaries; his demanding my submission, even if- no especially if, it isn't given, is freeing for me.






I wish he understood that my 'bucking' against an idea, may actually be because I need him to show me he is strong enough to refute me.






I wish he understood that I don't want him to change. I want ME to change.






I wish he understood that by coasting in Dd it makes me feel insecure. It makes me feel like I have a problem. I start to examine why I need this and belittle myself for not being 'whole' without it.






I wish he understood that there seems to be no maybes. If you mention it, I cling to it.






I wish he understood that I know he loves me very much, but gentle is not what I need at times.






I wish he understood that all I really want to be is the wife I see on the inside to him on the outside.






I wish he understood that I do honestly know I am asking a lot of him. That I love him for it. That while mistakes seem devastating to me at the time~ I know deep down we shall overcome.






I wish he understood the sobs that escape from me during these times are more a reflection of how I feel about myself and not him.






I wish he understood that all my life I have felt different. I rationalized it to one thing or another over time, but the bottom line is I have felt guarded~ rarely showing any side of vulnerability to anyone. If by chance it did slip out, I would quickly cover it up with sarcasm.






I wish he understood for those reasons I was never comfortable in my own skin~ until Dd.






I wish he understood that Dd gives me ME. It unlocks the doors that guard my heart. It allows me ( on occasion when it is 'working' ) to be unabridged. Light. Free. Happy.






I wish he understood that Dd is more than just a kink. It is more than just scratching an itch. It is a need so great for me. I wish he understood that his safety nets of boundaries, and creating situations outside of my comfort zone truly set me free.....






I wish I understood.





34 comments:

  1. So love this Willie! This is a post that everyone should read, especially if they are reasonably new to Dd.

    On the other hand, just to be devil's advocate, I also 'wish I could understand all Dan's feelings and vulnerabilities in the same way I wish he could understand mine'.

    I feel a post coming on.

    Many hugs
    Ami

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    1. Oh I do too Ami ( see I almost put your real name there too! LOL). I wish I could understand all he goes through as well. We hit a bump in the road recently - it was bound to happen with life getting back to 'normal' around here and as I lay sobbing on our bed many of these thoughts came swirling in. I should have written at the time, but I was too wiped to do so. I know I am missing some pertinant thoughts. They escape me now of course!

      Much love
      willie

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  2. Willie this is beautiful! I'll bet you *both* grasp a bit more understanding from this bump in the road. Hope you are over that bump soon. Hugs lady.

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    1. My apologizes for the late responses. We were over THAT bump before I wrote this post, or so I thought! LOL. We had several more bumps after, but a better understanding of ourselves actually seemed to come from all of this, so that is never a bad thing.

      Hugs to you woman!

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  3. Wow Willie. This is beautiful and so heart wrenching at the same time. I'm sorry you are struggling. I feel this way sometimes. So much in fact that I am going to have Alex read this. Thanks for writing this.

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    1. Thanks Zoe! So now that it has been well over a month, you'll have to tell me what Alex thought? LOL

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  4. I have had many of these same thoughts Willie-you are so not alone in this-Clark loves me but we have an inconsistency cycle that varies in length but so far continues to be an issue every so often & man the low point is REALLY low. Hang in there. & know that I am thinking of you!
    Love,
    Scarlet ; )

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    1. Thanks Scarlet!

      I actually love what you wrote here, although I don't love that you go through it too. It does make us all feel better to a degree that we aren't so very different at times! Hope things are better with you from the last time I read your post.

      Love
      willie

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  5. This is so beautiful and heartfelt. There are so many of us that can relate to this. I know I do. For me it is so hard to explain a need I don't often understand myself. I don't understand it either, but I get you, and where you are coming from. You know Buckaroo and I are always here if you need to talk.

    Love ya!
    TL

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  6. Hi Willie, I am so sorry that you feel this overwhelmed and struggle. I hope so much that the bump in the road passes soon and leaves Barney and you with a stronger connection than before. You have written in such a beautiful way about so many struggles that sooner or later we all do experience, I think. Even when we are close and connected, we cannot always be sure how deep the mutual understanding is. So, we struggle, and our HoHs struggle too.
    What you wrote about how much dd helps, is absolutely true for me, too. It’s wonderful how much it adds to feeling safe and secure. I understand that you had trouble of letting your guard down. Pre hubby I had that too, but with him (he introduced me to dd) this has changed completely. He is pretty angry when I hold back something, because he thinks I don’t trust him enough, then. What I have experienced about being open is, it takes time, it is a struggle in itself, it takes practice and as you know so well, it is worth it! Oh, and it is a bit like two steps forward and one back at times. Might be two steps back in a bad time or none back in the good times, too.
    Thank you for this. You touched some of the doubts and thoughts that go deep down in me, too, and you are definitely not alone with such struggles. But my experience is that it becomes easier over time to be more open and vulnerable.
    You are in this together with Barney, and I’d bet he knows more than he might mention (at least it is what happens here at times, when hubby unexpectedly comes up with some observation and I had no idea that he had noticed anything).

    hugs

    Nina

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    1. Thanks Nina.

      I do know it takes time, but what I hadn't ever realized is that for me anyway, the vulnerability aspect continually changes. I think that I can finally be 'there' in what I deem is vulnerability and yet now the 'finish line' has moved. I somehow have found a new area in which we are located and different aspects arise. It gets REALLY complicated and often throws at least Barney and I for a loop. BUT we are doing well~ I think! LOL

      hugs to you too
      willie

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  7. No more posts that make me cry woman!

    I'm not going to think and come back...lest blogger not let me in...so off the top of my half coffee'd brain...

    I can relate to a lot of this myself and can also see your uniqueness. You are not alone in the churning and the self-loathing when we become women who we don't want to be. Bring in these men who are so wholehearted in their love and waaay too accepting and understanding when what we really need is to be stopped short, taken in hand and freed from our turmoil. I'm not sure if it's the leader in them or the insecurity in them which has them turn it back on themselves and make them wonder where they have failed or have been part of the problem. Honestly Willie, I wish they could put that away (learn from it but put it behind them) and just deal with what's in front of them. I also know that there is an ease in that here at my house that you can't have at your's--the sheer # of people changes everything.

    Interrogating my husband...

    He says sometimes he doesn't want to rock the boat even when the boat is in a bad place. He says he does this EVEN knowing how secure I feel when things are right and how much I long to be my real me. I don't like his answer but I do get it. He says that spanking is hard, really hard and he has to work his way up to it and be in the right place before he does it.



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    1. Good grief...THAT is the criteria for posts now? Well I better close my blog now!

      As for your other comment. YES! I feel like screaming at times, " our eyes are in the front of our head because we are meant to look forward not back! " yet, at times I need him to look back and remember. Yes conflicting signals. But I wish he'd follow his instincts more.

      As for MM's answer~ Kick him in the shins for me!

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  8. Beautiful post Willie, I think everyone can relate to this at one time or another...or multiple times in a single day! My husband is pretty committed to this dynamic, he understands the security and structure I get from it, but I still see him struggle. I still question him, and myself constantly. I wonder if it would be easier if Dd was their idea...maybe not.

    I know what it feels like to not feel comfortable in your own skin, that's just how I felt pre-Dd, and I do worry that I ask too much of him, because at his core..he's sensitive and kind. I worry I'm making him do this just for me, and no matter how many times he tries to reassures me or physically show me LOL.. it never truly leaves my thoughts. I hope one day it does.

    I know you hit a bump, and I'm sorry. It's awful to feel insecure, but I know you both will be fine, and I know you know that too :) Thanks for a great post, it's better when you know you're not alone in your feelings. Hope you both are doing better now.

    Big Hugs!

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    1. I can relate so much to your second paragraph Jannelle. I think maybe this is the area where we assume if they brought this to the table it would be easier. I feel comfortable in my own skin more now than I ever have, at large. It is only when it comes to ttwd and we are in a bad spot that the negativity creeps in. And yes I think that is because I did initiate this.

      I have to learn to talk and trust. Sigh. I mean I have been down that road before, but the road has changed and so has the talking and trusting! LOL

      Thanks for your kind words!

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  9. You speak so sweetly from your heart and the pain and pleasure flow out from your words. Your posts speak to me so often, remind me I am not alone in feeling lost, different, adrift. Consistency is so hard for our HoHs yet they feel we should be consistent in our submission.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us and in doing so allowing us to freely feel the emotions you are expressing and validating our feelings at the same time. I hope this bump in the road turns into a long smooth ride down a highway headed to your own place of happiness.

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    1. Hi Brittany!

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Barney has assured me that he doesn't find me inconsistent in my submission~ not that I don't send out mixed signals ! LOL.

      I hope that this comment finds YOU in a good place !

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  10. I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this, willie. You are not alone as so many of us feel this same way from time to time. What you have written is so beautiful and from the heart but with so much sorrow.

    I know that we can feel so much disapointment and left in such a bad place with DD and that trying to make this work is a huge commitment and a struggle. But what I have also noticed is that when I watch some of my friends in a relationship without DD, they struggle also and often struggle more. I listen to them talk about how their husbands don't understand their emotional needs and I listen to them talk so negatively about their husbands. We all struggle weather we are in a. DD relationship or not. It's just that when you are in this relationship we make ourselves more vulnerable and although it's scary it's such a beautiful gift.

    I hope Barney has read this and you are at a better place by now. Hang in there, it will get better.
    Hugs
    Kim

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    1. Hey Kim!

      We were in a slightly better spot when I wrote this post actually. However that didn't last long. Different colour same sh*t , as the 'crude' saying goes.

      I think you hit the nail on the head. The difference now with Dd is that our bar is raised higher in our relationship, due to the communication it requires. And even though we hope to be more in tune with each other there are times when it doesn't happen and our world seems to crumble because we have become unguarded. Before ttwd if our husbands didn't understand, we (thought) were able to 'sluff' it off as ' well he's a guy' or whatever. Now we KNOW differently and that can be hurtful even if it isn't intentional.

      So much 'fun' isn't it? LOL

      " Hang in there" ? LOL That reminds me of the kitten clinging to a tree branch on a poster above the OBGYN table! bwhahaaa

      Hugs Willie

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  11. First, I just wanted to say..."Yes!" When I am asked to explain it, I say that I just don't want to be "that woman". I don't want to be that woman who....fill int the blank...is belittling to her husband, who is argumentative, disrespectful...etc. I want him to help me not be "that woman" and stop me when I am.

    I am also pretty guarded. I think for me it is about feeling safe to let down the guards and be who I am and what keeps me from doing that at times, is that I don't want to be a burden. For me, when I was growing up that was the message I got over and over that my needing something was a burden, so I learned to get what I need for myself and if I couldn't get it myself I went without.

    When I am asked to articulate that, I want someone to reassure me that I am not a burden and that they are willing to get past my nos and tell me they want to give me what I want...because in reality I DO want it. I want them to see past the denials and realize they are habit and not really real....it is complicated....lol.

    I guess I should just get back to my first though..."Yes, I agree." :-)

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    1. I understand ALL of this Cygnet!

      I was basically taught to " walk it off " as a child, even if or especially if it involved emotions. To take care of it myself. To self sooth~ I believe the term is they use for babies nowadays. When I am in an insecure place emotionally, I still feel those aftereffects to this day. It is my go-to. Perhaps even too soon. I am willing to admit.

      Before I started Dd I was very afraid that maybe the exterior woman I was WAS me. That I wanted my husband to change me, because I didn't like me~ even though apparently 'she' was more than OKAY to him. But (thankfully) the feeling at least of my inner self being projected onto the outside world has changed. I do feel more like the interior and exterior me are meeting in the middle most days. It is the days that I feel they are not that I need my husband. Of course I will admit that could possibly be a difficult thing for him to grasp. Or see.

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  12. Wow Willie, as the others said, a beautiful and heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing this with us as I think we can all related. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. My heart hurts for you.

    Dd gives you you ... yes! I so get this. Also gentle isn't always what we need. I think our husband's sometimes, despite 'knowing' we need this have a hard time truly understanding, given that they are not on the receiving end ... as it were lol. When we are struggling or in a bad place this need can be even harder for them to understand and instead of giving us what we need they give us what they 'think' we need.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. "Gentle isn't always what we need" YES! But admittedly that must be a difficult concept for them to comprehend at times. It does go against all social conditioning they have had. Furthermore I think *my* husband stalls himself because he thinks he has to 'beat' me all the time. LOL. When sometimes a few words or directions would be all it would take to stop the slide.

      Thanks Roz!

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  13. Add my voice to the chorus, Willie! I admire how much insight and self-awareness you have. Such tremendous growth :) Thank you for sharing this.

    Hugs,
    Sadie

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    1. Hey Sadie Lady!

      Thank you. I do have a tendency to get trapped in my own head. Sometimes it is actually a GOOD thing! Others not so much.

      I hope all is well with you.
      love
      willie

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  14. Did you show him your post? Let him read it and let him think about it for a day or two. Then talk about it. Sometimes you need to have some kind of sign that you are falling apart and/or you need him. Help him out and then pretty soon he will be able to notice without your hint. If not, kick him in the shins

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    1. Shin kicking has been happening a lot in the past couple of months Blondie! LOL.

      Yes we read the post together not long after I posted it. While we were already in a different spot when I wrote this, it was helpful. He said, " I still can't understand how you can go into such a negative place so quickly"

      To which I replied, " You don't have to UNDERSTAND why, just acknowledge that I do. Furthermore, it isn't that quickly. You just can't see the internal slide~ whether you refuse to or whether it isn't visible I don't know"

      Later, MUCH later....like WEEKS later, and a whole lotta other garbage passed through here, he admitted that he does see it happening, but much like MM's comment above, he sometimes avoids. There is a whole post waiting to be written on his personal discoveries. Perhaps some day :)

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  15. Hi Willie. Wow what a post!

    You have a gift for putting feelings into words and your words evoke such a spirited reaction from all the kindred ladies. I had to read it several times before I figured out how to comment. Being a man I admit to not understanding the feminine mind although I have tried. However, there is something that seems to always allude cognition when it comes to unspoken communications sent my way.

    When God made woman from man the body part he took was rib, not brain and there-in I think lies the source of the problem. Woman to woman communication and man to man communication seem to work much better than man to woman or woman to man. Perhaps that is His intention and what makes life together interesting, I don't know.

    You express a great love for Barney and perhaps the love that you give without his "womanish" (probably not a real word) understanding is what makes it so special. That is also a vice-versa arrangement because he also loves you without "getting it" and that my dear is very, very, frustrating for him (and all men).

    Life is always filled with problems but somehow the good always seems to balance the bad in the long run for most of us (actually, if truth be known most of the time the good far outweighs the bad in our lives).

    I will conclude by saying that if you ever find a man that has the kind of understanding you wish for, he probably was born with a female brain by mistake! Blondie probably has the best advice.....just kick him in the shin!

    love,
    George

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    1. I'll let you in on a little secret George, you actually DON'T have to UNDERSTAND, you just have to acknowledge and remember. LOL. Of course we constantly TRY to get you to understand thinking that this will help you remember!

      Thanks for the compliment by the way!

      Love
      willie

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  16. I showed this to Zeke and he said, "how do you feel about that?" I said I could have written most of it myself (meaning I related to it). You mentioned being guarded and that now makes sense. I have a nagging feeling I've offended you by a response to one of your comments. (?)

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    1. Why on earth would you feel like that? I haven't been around much lately if that is what you are referring too.

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  17. Yes. Yes! "If you mention it, I cling to it". One of the many lines I nodded and understood.

    I loved this :)

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    1. Of course YOU understood! I definitely believe for the most part we are cut from a similar cloth....although YOUR portion is a tad more tightly wound ( um stubborn!).

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