Tuesday, October 28, 2014

730 (Plus) Days

I am supposed to be sleeping.  I wish.  I think right now I probably could sleep but that most likely has to do with celebrating a bit too much at a Halloween Party.  Sleep eludes me a lot lately.  I can fall asleep no problem, but 4 am is apparently just too fantastic of a time to sleep through-at least as far as my body is concerned.  I have yet to find the redeeming qualities of that hour.

Perhaps this is the reason for my apparent 'different writing style' as was announced by my husband last night?

So yes......




I  prefer to think of these past two years as, 


I chose days because hours didn't look as night in my graphic  every DAY I had to make a choice.  EVERY. DAY.  The choice wasn't the same every day.  Some days the choices presented to me were easy to chose.  Other days so very difficult.  But the days that were the most challenging by far, were the days where I wasn't even sure what the choices were. Sadly those days were plentiful.

We all know marriages and relationships in general are work.  HARD work.  Throw ttwd in the mix and well life just got a whole lot more 'interesting'.  Speaking strictly for myself here,  year two and the beginning of year 3 has been difficult because the lines keep changing.  The writing on the wall is no longer there.  What once was is no longer, and yet it is.  We have changed so much and at such a slow pace we don't even recognize those changes in ourselves for the most part.  The natural evolution, however has given the changes in us very strong roots, buried deep beneath the soil.

Have you ever heard the quote, " If you repeat the chapters, the ending will never change" ?  During these past 2 plus years I have read, and written.  I have communicated and listened.  I think for us, for me, there came a time where I needed to find a new book.  As I mentioned before, I ventured to places I had never been . I honestly don't think I was 'searching' for something.  But something FOUND me.  It took me a while to get used to a place where basically no one knows your background.  They formulate their opinions on just what is presented to them at the moment.  That can be a bit terrifying at first. For myself , it worked out tremendously in many regards ( inner thigh spankings not one of the things I would categorize as 'tremendous').  

The questions directed at me where just that- questions directed AT me, about me.  Barney was taken out of  the equation and in turn my thought process.  That sounds horrible doesn't it?  Well it wasn't/isn't.  For those who don't know our story to Dd like many of you, but not all, it began with me.  I needed more out of life.  I wanted to feel, to express, to desire, to engage, be the woman on the outside that I knew was on the inside, as I have said countless times.  The first few months of Dd I focused on ME.  On how I had to open up.  How I had to change. To not be afraid.  To let that woman out.  To let the little voice inside me become the LOUDEST voice inside me.  Many call the first few months of Dd the honeymoon phase.  Many long to go back there and feel that rush.  For me it was bitter sweet.  Almost like high school, some memories are great, but dig a little deeper and there was a LOT of angst too.

Our first year of Dd was, well challenging. Simply put Barney appeared to have a blockage ( his words not mine~ although I agree) and me, well....  The second year seemed to be more about Barney's growth.  This past summer in particular.  When I refer to growth, I don't actually mean his willingness to spank.  (We had issues with 'injuries' for a long time but more on that another time).  So many difficult times that erupted out of what I thought was nowhere.  So many difficult conversations.  So much pain in many ways.  Each time giving way to a small glimmer of hope and understanding. Each time, I wish to GOD I could remember the positive is right around the corner in the midst of all the pain.

Last month, or maybe it was longer ago than that, we had one of our most painful exchanges in a long while.  Perhaps ever as the depths of these waters only seem to grow with time.  After listening to conversations that actually weren't about Barn or myself, I took some things to heart.  " Why would you ask him to do something he clearly isn't comfortable with? "  " Submission isn't a gift it is a burden" ( I btw don't think it is a gift.  Again maybe some day I'll talk about that).  Something happened around here, or not more likely, and I went off to pout think.  The hurt changed to anger, back to frustration, to numbness.  Later I said to Barney when he gave me his expectations for the night while he was away,

"  Don't worry about it.  I won't ask you to do something that isn't in you anymore.  It is okay"  

After collapsing in a chair, he looked at me and said,

" I don't believe you.  You are testing me to see if I will push back"

" With every fibre of my being I wish that were true B.  No I am not testing you.  I mean it.  I won't ask for something you don't want"

With that he left.  When he left, it felt like he left me more than just physically.  I honestly meant what I said.  I wasn't testing him.  I just didn't expect to feel so empty.  That night I packed up all things we had accumulated over the past 2 years.  Not just implements but jewelry, dresses. lingerie, toys.  Anything that reminded me.  Again I did so not in a huff, but numb.  As I hefted the boxes into the attic for a brief moment a feeling of relief came over me, in the most unusual way.  I was relieved that I didn't have to worry about how my reactions affected our new life, his ego or lack thereof in his appointed position. That moment spoke volumes to me.  How would I ever feel like he was in control and leading if I was editing myself?  I don't mean to be respectful-  I mean in fear of him being frustrated or upset with HIMSELF. In that area there was a lack of trust on my part.  (Some of its validity founded in past experiences). That moment past as I closed the hatch to the attic.  Leaving behind something that I thought I wanted in our lives.  And opening up the door to 'okay now what?"

Why anger of course.  That horrid emotion that bubbles to the surface and shrouds all other emotions in a force field.  " Screw him then.  No ttwd.  No unguarded me.  And your 'safety stuff'  pfff! " Well that phase lasted all of 3 minutes before breaking down into buckets of tears and snot. ( Stupid Dd messed with my force field.  Now it is faulty)  I didn't want to not give him guarded me!  I could still live without Officer Barney Safety Coordinator.  I wanted/want to give him ME.  I didn't WANT to go back, and I honestly didn't think I knew how to 'go back'. 

 In that moment I realized I had discovered another piece to my puzzle.  My core was projecting outwardly.  Now *I* could see it.  It is one thing for those around you to recognize something and for you to agree, but it is something entirely different to feel it.  To know it.   To now have conviction in it.  There is great peace found once that happens. The wind has died, and the leaves are no longer turned up.  The water calm, clear as glass.

Wonderful.  So now I can see my reflection but what of his?  Nothing I can do about that.  Embarrassment set in.  Fear holding its hand.  I thought back to the time we sat on our bed recently . Barney waiting patiently for me to expose my thoughts and feelings to him.  Unlike so many times in the past there was no Final Jeopardy music in the background, just a man patiently waiting for his wife to do battle with herself and tell him what was troubling her.  That sweet memory erased and replaced with such an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment.   It was soon followed by the chant in my head, " How could you be so stupid Wilma?  Why couldn't you just keep your big mouth shut  "  Which brought me to , " Two years.  Two years wasted .  Well not wasted but the pain.  And for what now? "

Barney came home late that night.  I had to talk to him.  (I looked like sh*t by the way.  I am so NOT a sweet crier.)  I needed something.  What, I wasn't sure.  We talked for hours.  His growth came.  He said to me.

" All my life I thought that being a nice guy was good enough" ( My heart sank to those words.  He really did think I was trying to change him)  "Let me finish.  It isn't enough.  Being polite, and kind are good attributes to have, but not enough when it comes to your wife and family.  You need to be actively involved.  You need to outwardly show that you care, not assume they can see or feel it.  You need to know I am here for you.  You need to feel it.  I can't assume that you just do"

We continued again with our circular discussion.  I was exhausted by this point and excused myself.  I explained to him that it really had nothing to do with him, but I was too embarrassed to sleep in the same bed with him that night.    Again, I really wasn't trying to force his hand.  I thought we were done for the night, until he 'found' me.  We didn't talk long he just asked if I could find it in myself to come to bed with him.  Swallowing my pride I did.

The next day, like the slow kid in class who just doesn't get it, I went to him again.  I had to know how he felt about the past 2 years.  I had no agenda, other than expelling the pit from my stomach.  I did long to know why he would continue ttwd for 2 years if it wasn't what he wanted.  I needed to pick at my own wound I suppose.   

He explained how he knew this is what *we* needed.  He said he understood and could see how Dd gave him me.  All of me.  To this day he still doesn't understand why that is, he just knows it does.  And has decided to not think of the whys any longer. 

 Sometimes he feels uncomfortable, but not as much anymore.  He told me that Dd doesn't just make me feel vulnerable at times.  It has put a mirror to him and often he didn't like what he saw.  Not the HOH part, the man before.  He tried to explain how difficult that realization was.  Once again I felt awful.  He assured me all of this was a good thing.  I have to trust him of course because Lord knows he has seen me at my most broken since ttwd started and has still trusted this was the right path for us.  On that note he explained that he does become overwhelmed by my emotions at times.  ( True fact aside from happy tears I didn't really cry for the 20 years we have been together..and NOW I am making up for lost time!)

He informed me we would carry on our new life.  I asked for one amendment and explained why.  He agreed ( it is very minor not really Dd related ) and told me he understood.

About a month later it hit the proverbial fan again.   I'll spare you the body-shaking-sobs story (  a lot of crying, feeling like I shouldn't have shared...you know the same old stuff again).  THIS time it hit me,  the bottom line was, I felt that I needed him more than he needed me. I felt he was more important to me than I was to him.  The quote, "In your relationship be an asset not a hindrance" rang through my ears.  A thought that cut very deep.

  Among my snot and tears I told Barney how I felt, .  Once Barney heard my words and worry, pain existed on his face too.  His pain he explained stemmed from what he said the month before.  He felt he had failed me, by not in reassuring me. Failed in SHOWING me, I am every bit as important to him, and that he needs me just as much.  ALL of me. Ttwd is part of me.  Now of us. More simply put, he believed HE was the reason for my tears.



Why tell you all of this in my two year reflection post?  What I have learned most of all, NEVER GIVE UP,  NEVER SHUT UP

The Never Give Up I hope is self explanatory.  But if it isn't~  I am stubborn.  In both good and bad ways.  You know the saying, " Those who say it can't be done, shouldn't interrupt those who are doing " ?  This was me during our first 2 years of Dd.  Don't tell me to be happy with what I have-to be content he tried. To me he said yes, and (with the exceptions of a few times lol) until he said NO I was going to do everything I could to help keep us flowing towards the us we both longed for.  If he dropped the ball, I would EVENTUALLY pick it up and hand it back.   Yes I knew I could only change myself, but in many ways I thought that was the key here.  I am not taking the full burden of this relationship, but I asked for it, I wasn't going to be the one to let it slide because I wasn't doing my part.  

As for the Never Shut up:

All, I repeat all of our issues as of late seem to come from me 'shutting up'.  At first glance opening up AFTER  would seem to be the reason, but it is not.  I feel 'things' coming on.  I used to tell Barney, 'I don't know what is happening but something is brewing'. Somewhere along the line I decided it wasn't in our best interest to share.  Maybe I would be 'manipulating' or tearing down at his confidence.  Again all assumptions on my part.  If I had just turned to him maybe things wouldn't have escalated.  Maybe they would have.  To be truthful I haven't a clue, but the angst prior would have been lessened for me. Sharing in the past was different. In the past it was more, 'when you do this or don't do that it makes me feel (insert good or bad)"  or " I feel myself getting bitchy."  Perhaps even deeper thoughts and feelings, but always something concrete.  


Now life isn't so simple.



Despite what this post may seem to some, I am NOT in a bad place.  Not by a long shot.  I am a little lost I won't deny that.  But I am certainly not scared.  Things are changing around here, sometimes in the physical sense, but as been with so much of our 'adventure',  more than that.  I feel like someone is spinning me like you do prior playing to Pin the Tail on the Donkey.  I stop for a bit, focus, try and pin the tail on.  Some days I get closer than others.  Before I can spend much time rejoicing in the accuracy of my attempts I am spinning again.  It is okay though.  More than okay.  I am coming to understand more of myself-much like I did at the start of this adventure 2 years ago.  This time on a different level. Heck a different dimension some days!


I don't know where Barney will take our relationship next.  All I do know is that HE will be the one to do so. This is an unusual mindset for me. I can honestly say I have no vision of what our future could or will look like. I trust him.  There will be 'more' -whatever that means when he is ready.  Once the thought excited me.  Now it brings me both fear, and peace.  Fear because I know there will be many more painful days of discovery ahead.  I am ready for that.   (I could have written so so much more here about our lives as of late).  I know it is necessary for me, for us.  There will be more confusion.  BUT after that another time of contentment and peace.  



    A friend's husband said this to her, and at the time it struck a cord in me. Now I feel it too. Not in relation to comparing with others, but because I finally feel that together we are striving for a better us.  Ttwd has never been about changing either one of  cores, merely a tool to allow them to shine the way they were intended to.









Saturday, October 25, 2014

Throwback Fun Again.

* This post was originally done around Mother's Day 2013  We came to realize that this time of year could be very painful for many for various reasons, so we thought a little lighthearted fun would be just the thing.  If you search many blogs ( 15 in all I believe) in May 2013 you will find more NewlyRed Game Posts.  Enjoy!




Time to go back in Time and play a 'classic' game based on the American TV show The Newlywed Game.  There is a twist, some questions are ttwd related- Hence the new name.  Without further ado ...cue cheesy music.......





Of course being somewhat Dd related we needed to rename this puppy.  Thanks to Susie over at




( Anyone can play, just copy and paste into your blogger!!)



Rules


Answer the questions in your category first ( ie wife answer questions under wife)


Don't share your answers with your spouse. Next answer the questions in your spouse's category, BUT answer how you THINK he/she will answer.

Have your spouse repeat the process, with no interference from you! Make sure they know to answer your category questions as he/she would think YOU would answer the questions!

 

 

Questions for the Wife

 

What would your husband say was the last thing you did, that made him give you 'the look" ?

~ shocking I know, but most likely being sassy~

Barney's answer~  swear
(this is why I rarely get 'the look' )


 What part of his body does your husband discuss the most? 


~ his feet..good grief his feet! He finds them spectacular! I mean it is not like they DO anything spectacular, like pick things up off of the floor!

Barney's answer ~ my feet

 

 

If I could burn one ( non implement ) possession of my husbands and get off Scott free it would be?

~ URGH...his WHITE running shoes! I hate them!!

Barney's answer ~laughing ...Oh my white running shoes!

 What shape would shape would your HoH say your backside is? 1) an apple 2) a pear 3) a pancake 4) never noticed...too distracted

~ I guess an apple?  but maybe an apple that has been peeled and left on the counter to dry.. personally I guess I would say pear...but I think he'll say apple...definitely NOT a pancake





Barney's answer~ " Is heart shaped in there? " ( Such a good listener my husband is...LOL.)Ah...pear ?

Nothing makes me sassier than ( blank)



 ~ well I do do some of my best sassy work otk

Barney's answer~ A glass of wine?   ( pffft...clearly he doesn't know about glasses of submission! )


 

If my family knew we were in a Dd relationship they would  A) be mortified B) be intrigued and ask questions C) High five my HoH, and tell him/her it was about time !

~ A) clearly....who would want to spank an angel?

Barney's answer ( rather quickly I might add) " High-5" I think the coconscious would be that...It's about time.  ( honestly don't know what he is talking about) 

 

When my husband does (blank) I wish I could spank my mother in law!

~leaves his stuff laying around ...grrrrrrrrr....BUT my mother in law had to be the sweetest woman on the planet....just for the record

Barney's answer~ ( clearly he thinks he's perfect because this answer took forever!) What's that thing I do when I drink that you hate?  ( urgh...Chew when you drink!  why didn't I think of that...guess I never noticed that my MIL did that too...)



When making whoopee, my husband's theme song should be A) I Will Survive B) Dancing with Myself C) Wake Me Up Before You Go Go D) Shook Me All Night Long

~ I'd say E) all of the above..

Barney's answer...Guess it would depend on the night.  DANCING WITH MYSELF   ( he said it almost in a proud manner...sheesh)



If (blank) was an Olympic sport, my husband would take the gold.

~ sleeping

Barney's answer ~ sleeping


Two words that best describe my husband are _______ and _________.

 

~ funny and calm
Barney's answer ~  wise ( insert willie eye roll) and ( ten minutes later.........) forgetful

 

 Questions for the Husbands



What should your wife's theme song be?


He better have said Angel in the Morning, by Juice Newton



Barney's answer ~ " I don't know something by Sass Jordan? "  (she's a Canadian singer from the 80s )

Finish this sentence, even before ttwd I wanted to spank my wife when she did (blank)

~  pffft..HELLO?  See answer above.  NOTE theme song.

Barney's answer~ rolled her eyes at me

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought a (blank) would be something I'd spank with

 ~ well I 'spank' Barney with all kinds of things...or try to.  Oh him?  I guess a plastic coat hanger. 

Barney's answer ~ a silicone spatula  (cupcake one...willie here...this one merely stings..no biggie)

My wife is so adorable when she ( blanks)


BREATHES!  I'm in a constant state of adorable.  pfft

Barney's answer ~ Gee there is so many occasions when you're adorable. (  I'll just put that down) Well I can't just settle on one.

If my wife never makes (blank) again for dinner, it would be too soon.

Oh tough one.  Barney never really says he dislikes anything.  If I ask he may say, 'well its not my favourite" but I can't honestly think of anything.

Barney's answer ~ That's a tough one. ( many groans ) Nothing really that I don't really like.  I can't really answer that question.  Trying to think of something maybe years ago...but...( scratches his head)  Nothing I can think of in all honesty....(SHEESH okay we get it I'm a great cook- even with all my kitchen utensils relocated to the bedroom..! Moving on)

Pick a bird to represent your wife.  What type of bird do you see yourself as?

Um being the creative guy that he is, he'd probably think of my last post and say Tweety Bird.  He SHOULD say the bald eagle for himself



 Barney's answer~  (OMG!!<- willie)  A woodpecker...bwahahaa ( suppose I should be grateful he didn't say the dunking bird from chemistry class )


Second answer ~ ( seriously snorting here ) I don't know,  a duck.  willie- "  Awhat?? why? ". 
" I don't know, I like ducks.  They are pretty quiet. NOW geese, they are loud !" ( about a minute later as I am still laughing/snorting..)." plus I like to swim...OH but not a LAME duck".  He's killing me!

 When I give my wife the 'look' often I am thinking (blank)

~ did she just say that?

Barney's answer~ she needs a good spanking.(  <- ack?  say what??? When did he mentally turn into Ian??? Well he hasn't morphed into Spanky Hands thank the Lord ....because I get 'the look' quite often.) Well I said I am THINKING it... I just don't do it.  ( good grief!)



The two words that sum up my wife are _______ and _______.

super angelic, no need for the 'and' in there!

Barney's answer~ persistent and passionate ( angels can be those too right? )




If there was NO chance of getting caught, where is one place you would like to make whoopee?


~ the 50th yard line in Giants Stadium- hopefully the play clock isn't on

Barney's ( so not creative) answer.  Our back patio...
willie..." What??? seriously?  WE have already done that!"
Barney..." Well that was in a hot tub"

After reading my answer " Oh I thought of Giant's stadium, but I didn't think that would put you in the mood.  Oh, but the question is where *I*  like....I misinterpreted it"..(.SEE what I have to deal with. ?)
 Barney...can I change my answer?  I'll go with Giants Stadium, so from now on when I watch a game I can think of 'that'.                    (sigh)




The fireworks can stay....the people have got to go!



Aside from her bottom, what is your wife's greatest asset ?


~ her halo




 


Barney's answer~ " Well really its your toes"...(.I think I am going to go back under the bridge I

apparently should reside under!  Good grief!)  Ooops...sorry he mumbled.  He said " I'd rule out your toes"

"Oh there are so many to choose from.  I guess I'd go with your legs." My legs?  " or you lower back, or your ears"...MY EARS?  Yeah...they are nice to nibble on....



Thursday, October 16, 2014

A Little Fun ~ Blast from the Past if you will



Well October is a 'big' month around here in the Rubble house hold.  Wilma Rubble turned 2, TTWD was has been around here for 2 years and ********* turned 43 !  Oh and Thanksgiving and Halloween...blah, blah, blah.  LOL.  I will get around to writing a ' Two Year Post"  but I will guarantee you it will be Willie-style not a Hallmark Card for DD...LOL  I hope to by next Monday.  Who knows though?

I have so many newer readers, that I thought for the remaining couple of weeks in October I would post an older light-hearted post on Thursdays.  So here you go...originally posted back in.... January 2013

Addicted to Crack...( a photo essay)


( the notes at the bottom refer to 2013 not 2014...we are okay! )


 Yup you heard me correctly.  This post is going to deal with the addiction to crack.  Most of you out there suffer from it.  Most of you don't like to admit it.  But you know it is  true.





O GOD NO ! NO !  NO!  Not that kind! ( um but to each his own )





A nice side affect of ttwd.  Cracking the walls that we have built around ourselves...but it is painful, and I'm not addicted to the cracking feeling by any means NO!



 This is a little closer.  
                  ( but only because once you've had a 'hit' of crack...you're hooked)

But still NO



Bear with me for a moment.  TTWD is as unique to all of us and unique as all of us are.  But one common thread I have seen weave through the blanket of submission is the opening of Pandora's Box







Annnnnnnnnnnd....then the desire to slam it shut again!




Basically I am saying the type of Crack we are addicted to is this



Admit it ...there is nothing to be ashamed of..( I hope)  I'm not saying you LIKE  it...although some of you do.  I'm saying it makes you more settled.  Keeps your head on straight.


  




( yeouch by the way!)





Without it you start turning into 'this' girl





Or if you are me this little lady





Oops not her...


HER


Yup...you're addicted to the CRACK ( sound and what follows) if you find after a while, you NEED  to feel your HoH's 'connection'.  You need a 'hit' ( pun intended) Without it you get the Dts.  


You get edgy and start doing things that 'poke the bear ' even if you don't realize it



Or perhaps you are more mature about it



Or not




Perhaps you are a casual user. You only  enjoy the affects after, and feel no  need to find your supplier for a 'hit' 

Regardless... you feel reborn after your Crack

Don't be ashamed.  Come out of the closet...or in some houses go into it.  Seek out your pusher.  He's there to help you with your Crack addiction




( Hope I put a smile on your Crack addicted faces today!)

Love Willie

Ps.  Anyone seen my pusher?  It has been  almost 2 weeks !  I've practically set the damn bear on fire!



( note to my private blog readers, I have given permission for this post to be public, so keep that in mind if you decide to comment.*wink*) 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

No Sense of Humour I tell Ya!



( Sorry I haven't answered the comments on my last post.  I will try to get to them soon.  I promise we have read them all and appreciated the time it took for all you you to write down your thoughts! )

While talking the other morning, I inadvertently confessed to something I didn't think was an issue.  You see I am a bit of a spider monkey.  I climb everything to get at what I need.






  I was laughing telling Barney that MM would have been having a bird the other day.



  I was standing, one foot on one banana leaf stool ( yes we really have them) and one foot on the other, paint roller in hand, painting, singing loudly and poorly to Van Morrison's Into The Mystic on the radio.





B " You shouldn't really be doing that"

W " Why I have always done it?  and I have NEVER hurt myself"




B " Well stools aren't meant to be stood on"

W " Pfft says you.  Our dining room chairs and stools have a greater surface and base than your step stool.  I have almost fallen off of your famous step stool"

B "  That is because you are not used to using it."

W" Because I don't NEED to...I am fine on the chairs"

We went on to talk about the ladder for the attic

B"  It says right there, " This is NOT a step" ( referring to the print on the top 'step' of the ladder)

W " So because it SAYS that I shouldn't? "

B " RIGHT"

W " Nothing a little piece of strategically placed tape can't cure"  





B " Sigh you are like Tim at work"  and he goes on to describe someone at work who never uses even a chair but a TABLE to do things.  He then starts in on how he uses a chair in his office, or GET THIS shelves ( that are not going to fall over) at work.

W " Hold the phone.  So YOU are allowed to use chairs and even SHELVES but I can't?"

B" Yup it isn't fair, but you knew that coming into ttwd. "

W " Well THIS is ridiculous.  I have never hurt myself.  My track record should count for something"

B " Yet. "

W " YET??? I may never"

B  (smugly I might add )" Well now if you do your bum will hurt.  Besides I am more athletic than you are"

W scoffs!  " You are so NOT! "




B " I can throw a football better than you"

W" What does that have to do with anything?  I can walk/run faster and longer than you can"

B" That doesn't count"

W " Why not?  If you judge a runner's athletic ability based on swimming, he's not going to seem very athletic"

B " It is not the same thing"




W " What do you know? ..............  You're just a dumb jock! "