Tuesday, October 28, 2014

730 (Plus) Days

I am supposed to be sleeping.  I wish.  I think right now I probably could sleep but that most likely has to do with celebrating a bit too much at a Halloween Party.  Sleep eludes me a lot lately.  I can fall asleep no problem, but 4 am is apparently just too fantastic of a time to sleep through-at least as far as my body is concerned.  I have yet to find the redeeming qualities of that hour.

Perhaps this is the reason for my apparent 'different writing style' as was announced by my husband last night?

So yes......




I  prefer to think of these past two years as, 


I chose days because hours didn't look as night in my graphic  every DAY I had to make a choice.  EVERY. DAY.  The choice wasn't the same every day.  Some days the choices presented to me were easy to chose.  Other days so very difficult.  But the days that were the most challenging by far, were the days where I wasn't even sure what the choices were. Sadly those days were plentiful.

We all know marriages and relationships in general are work.  HARD work.  Throw ttwd in the mix and well life just got a whole lot more 'interesting'.  Speaking strictly for myself here,  year two and the beginning of year 3 has been difficult because the lines keep changing.  The writing on the wall is no longer there.  What once was is no longer, and yet it is.  We have changed so much and at such a slow pace we don't even recognize those changes in ourselves for the most part.  The natural evolution, however has given the changes in us very strong roots, buried deep beneath the soil.

Have you ever heard the quote, " If you repeat the chapters, the ending will never change" ?  During these past 2 plus years I have read, and written.  I have communicated and listened.  I think for us, for me, there came a time where I needed to find a new book.  As I mentioned before, I ventured to places I had never been . I honestly don't think I was 'searching' for something.  But something FOUND me.  It took me a while to get used to a place where basically no one knows your background.  They formulate their opinions on just what is presented to them at the moment.  That can be a bit terrifying at first. For myself , it worked out tremendously in many regards ( inner thigh spankings not one of the things I would categorize as 'tremendous').  

The questions directed at me where just that- questions directed AT me, about me.  Barney was taken out of  the equation and in turn my thought process.  That sounds horrible doesn't it?  Well it wasn't/isn't.  For those who don't know our story to Dd like many of you, but not all, it began with me.  I needed more out of life.  I wanted to feel, to express, to desire, to engage, be the woman on the outside that I knew was on the inside, as I have said countless times.  The first few months of Dd I focused on ME.  On how I had to open up.  How I had to change. To not be afraid.  To let that woman out.  To let the little voice inside me become the LOUDEST voice inside me.  Many call the first few months of Dd the honeymoon phase.  Many long to go back there and feel that rush.  For me it was bitter sweet.  Almost like high school, some memories are great, but dig a little deeper and there was a LOT of angst too.

Our first year of Dd was, well challenging. Simply put Barney appeared to have a blockage ( his words not mine~ although I agree) and me, well....  The second year seemed to be more about Barney's growth.  This past summer in particular.  When I refer to growth, I don't actually mean his willingness to spank.  (We had issues with 'injuries' for a long time but more on that another time).  So many difficult times that erupted out of what I thought was nowhere.  So many difficult conversations.  So much pain in many ways.  Each time giving way to a small glimmer of hope and understanding. Each time, I wish to GOD I could remember the positive is right around the corner in the midst of all the pain.

Last month, or maybe it was longer ago than that, we had one of our most painful exchanges in a long while.  Perhaps ever as the depths of these waters only seem to grow with time.  After listening to conversations that actually weren't about Barn or myself, I took some things to heart.  " Why would you ask him to do something he clearly isn't comfortable with? "  " Submission isn't a gift it is a burden" ( I btw don't think it is a gift.  Again maybe some day I'll talk about that).  Something happened around here, or not more likely, and I went off to pout think.  The hurt changed to anger, back to frustration, to numbness.  Later I said to Barney when he gave me his expectations for the night while he was away,

"  Don't worry about it.  I won't ask you to do something that isn't in you anymore.  It is okay"  

After collapsing in a chair, he looked at me and said,

" I don't believe you.  You are testing me to see if I will push back"

" With every fibre of my being I wish that were true B.  No I am not testing you.  I mean it.  I won't ask for something you don't want"

With that he left.  When he left, it felt like he left me more than just physically.  I honestly meant what I said.  I wasn't testing him.  I just didn't expect to feel so empty.  That night I packed up all things we had accumulated over the past 2 years.  Not just implements but jewelry, dresses. lingerie, toys.  Anything that reminded me.  Again I did so not in a huff, but numb.  As I hefted the boxes into the attic for a brief moment a feeling of relief came over me, in the most unusual way.  I was relieved that I didn't have to worry about how my reactions affected our new life, his ego or lack thereof in his appointed position. That moment spoke volumes to me.  How would I ever feel like he was in control and leading if I was editing myself?  I don't mean to be respectful-  I mean in fear of him being frustrated or upset with HIMSELF. In that area there was a lack of trust on my part.  (Some of its validity founded in past experiences). That moment past as I closed the hatch to the attic.  Leaving behind something that I thought I wanted in our lives.  And opening up the door to 'okay now what?"

Why anger of course.  That horrid emotion that bubbles to the surface and shrouds all other emotions in a force field.  " Screw him then.  No ttwd.  No unguarded me.  And your 'safety stuff'  pfff! " Well that phase lasted all of 3 minutes before breaking down into buckets of tears and snot. ( Stupid Dd messed with my force field.  Now it is faulty)  I didn't want to not give him guarded me!  I could still live without Officer Barney Safety Coordinator.  I wanted/want to give him ME.  I didn't WANT to go back, and I honestly didn't think I knew how to 'go back'. 

 In that moment I realized I had discovered another piece to my puzzle.  My core was projecting outwardly.  Now *I* could see it.  It is one thing for those around you to recognize something and for you to agree, but it is something entirely different to feel it.  To know it.   To now have conviction in it.  There is great peace found once that happens. The wind has died, and the leaves are no longer turned up.  The water calm, clear as glass.

Wonderful.  So now I can see my reflection but what of his?  Nothing I can do about that.  Embarrassment set in.  Fear holding its hand.  I thought back to the time we sat on our bed recently . Barney waiting patiently for me to expose my thoughts and feelings to him.  Unlike so many times in the past there was no Final Jeopardy music in the background, just a man patiently waiting for his wife to do battle with herself and tell him what was troubling her.  That sweet memory erased and replaced with such an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment.   It was soon followed by the chant in my head, " How could you be so stupid Wilma?  Why couldn't you just keep your big mouth shut  "  Which brought me to , " Two years.  Two years wasted .  Well not wasted but the pain.  And for what now? "

Barney came home late that night.  I had to talk to him.  (I looked like sh*t by the way.  I am so NOT a sweet crier.)  I needed something.  What, I wasn't sure.  We talked for hours.  His growth came.  He said to me.

" All my life I thought that being a nice guy was good enough" ( My heart sank to those words.  He really did think I was trying to change him)  "Let me finish.  It isn't enough.  Being polite, and kind are good attributes to have, but not enough when it comes to your wife and family.  You need to be actively involved.  You need to outwardly show that you care, not assume they can see or feel it.  You need to know I am here for you.  You need to feel it.  I can't assume that you just do"

We continued again with our circular discussion.  I was exhausted by this point and excused myself.  I explained to him that it really had nothing to do with him, but I was too embarrassed to sleep in the same bed with him that night.    Again, I really wasn't trying to force his hand.  I thought we were done for the night, until he 'found' me.  We didn't talk long he just asked if I could find it in myself to come to bed with him.  Swallowing my pride I did.

The next day, like the slow kid in class who just doesn't get it, I went to him again.  I had to know how he felt about the past 2 years.  I had no agenda, other than expelling the pit from my stomach.  I did long to know why he would continue ttwd for 2 years if it wasn't what he wanted.  I needed to pick at my own wound I suppose.   

He explained how he knew this is what *we* needed.  He said he understood and could see how Dd gave him me.  All of me.  To this day he still doesn't understand why that is, he just knows it does.  And has decided to not think of the whys any longer. 

 Sometimes he feels uncomfortable, but not as much anymore.  He told me that Dd doesn't just make me feel vulnerable at times.  It has put a mirror to him and often he didn't like what he saw.  Not the HOH part, the man before.  He tried to explain how difficult that realization was.  Once again I felt awful.  He assured me all of this was a good thing.  I have to trust him of course because Lord knows he has seen me at my most broken since ttwd started and has still trusted this was the right path for us.  On that note he explained that he does become overwhelmed by my emotions at times.  ( True fact aside from happy tears I didn't really cry for the 20 years we have been together..and NOW I am making up for lost time!)

He informed me we would carry on our new life.  I asked for one amendment and explained why.  He agreed ( it is very minor not really Dd related ) and told me he understood.

About a month later it hit the proverbial fan again.   I'll spare you the body-shaking-sobs story (  a lot of crying, feeling like I shouldn't have shared...you know the same old stuff again).  THIS time it hit me,  the bottom line was, I felt that I needed him more than he needed me. I felt he was more important to me than I was to him.  The quote, "In your relationship be an asset not a hindrance" rang through my ears.  A thought that cut very deep.

  Among my snot and tears I told Barney how I felt, .  Once Barney heard my words and worry, pain existed on his face too.  His pain he explained stemmed from what he said the month before.  He felt he had failed me, by not in reassuring me. Failed in SHOWING me, I am every bit as important to him, and that he needs me just as much.  ALL of me. Ttwd is part of me.  Now of us. More simply put, he believed HE was the reason for my tears.



Why tell you all of this in my two year reflection post?  What I have learned most of all, NEVER GIVE UP,  NEVER SHUT UP

The Never Give Up I hope is self explanatory.  But if it isn't~  I am stubborn.  In both good and bad ways.  You know the saying, " Those who say it can't be done, shouldn't interrupt those who are doing " ?  This was me during our first 2 years of Dd.  Don't tell me to be happy with what I have-to be content he tried. To me he said yes, and (with the exceptions of a few times lol) until he said NO I was going to do everything I could to help keep us flowing towards the us we both longed for.  If he dropped the ball, I would EVENTUALLY pick it up and hand it back.   Yes I knew I could only change myself, but in many ways I thought that was the key here.  I am not taking the full burden of this relationship, but I asked for it, I wasn't going to be the one to let it slide because I wasn't doing my part.  

As for the Never Shut up:

All, I repeat all of our issues as of late seem to come from me 'shutting up'.  At first glance opening up AFTER  would seem to be the reason, but it is not.  I feel 'things' coming on.  I used to tell Barney, 'I don't know what is happening but something is brewing'. Somewhere along the line I decided it wasn't in our best interest to share.  Maybe I would be 'manipulating' or tearing down at his confidence.  Again all assumptions on my part.  If I had just turned to him maybe things wouldn't have escalated.  Maybe they would have.  To be truthful I haven't a clue, but the angst prior would have been lessened for me. Sharing in the past was different. In the past it was more, 'when you do this or don't do that it makes me feel (insert good or bad)"  or " I feel myself getting bitchy."  Perhaps even deeper thoughts and feelings, but always something concrete.  


Now life isn't so simple.



Despite what this post may seem to some, I am NOT in a bad place.  Not by a long shot.  I am a little lost I won't deny that.  But I am certainly not scared.  Things are changing around here, sometimes in the physical sense, but as been with so much of our 'adventure',  more than that.  I feel like someone is spinning me like you do prior playing to Pin the Tail on the Donkey.  I stop for a bit, focus, try and pin the tail on.  Some days I get closer than others.  Before I can spend much time rejoicing in the accuracy of my attempts I am spinning again.  It is okay though.  More than okay.  I am coming to understand more of myself-much like I did at the start of this adventure 2 years ago.  This time on a different level. Heck a different dimension some days!


I don't know where Barney will take our relationship next.  All I do know is that HE will be the one to do so. This is an unusual mindset for me. I can honestly say I have no vision of what our future could or will look like. I trust him.  There will be 'more' -whatever that means when he is ready.  Once the thought excited me.  Now it brings me both fear, and peace.  Fear because I know there will be many more painful days of discovery ahead.  I am ready for that.   (I could have written so so much more here about our lives as of late).  I know it is necessary for me, for us.  There will be more confusion.  BUT after that another time of contentment and peace.  



    A friend's husband said this to her, and at the time it struck a cord in me. Now I feel it too. Not in relation to comparing with others, but because I finally feel that together we are striving for a better us.  Ttwd has never been about changing either one of  cores, merely a tool to allow them to shine the way they were intended to.









36 comments:

  1. Hi Honey!

    You know, you have grown enormously, Willie (and I don't mean put on weight, snigger!).

    You used to write some posts where I wanted to smack your bum myself, but I can tell you that this particular post I understand what you are saying from beginning to end - because it is YOU. It is YOU talking, and talking right from the heart and pulling no punches. What a long way you have come. You are not being so subjective in your thinking, so analytical, so open to the 360 degree viewpoint.

    It's taken you a heck of a long time to get to this point, but I could just hug you. Suddenly you are there at the top of Everest looking down at all of us. You have found your route to the top and you have the flag in your hand, but are just a little nervous to wave it, because you don't know what direction the wind is coming from, and you don't want the flag to swoop round and knock you back down several metres.

    You are both doing great, and I forecast that you are going to be doing even better.

    Perhaps you worry you will slide back - but you won't. Once that realisation comes, every step forward gets easier. It may not be the same length and the same force as the one before, or the one after, but I just know you will love the view.

    And all your friends are nodding and cheering you on - both you and Barney!

    Many hugs my friend,

    Ami

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  2. I meant to say that you "are" being subjective in your thinking. I am in a hurry as usual.

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    1. Woman you KILL me! LOL. Smack my bum indeed, until YOU got to the same 'stage' <- for lack of a better word and realized HEY this isn't what I thought it was like! bwhahahahaaaaa!!

      I would actually disagree with you, ( if I read your comment correctly that is) I am being far LESS analytical these days. I am just 'being'. Which for me used to be so very difficult. I have to say, it is nice to have a 'quiet brain'.

      I don't worry about a backslide at all. If it happens it happens. I have come to realize WHO I am and that isn't going to change due to active or nonactive ttwd. Our relationship may morph, but my core is what it is.

      Love
      willie

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    2. That's what I meant - your are JUST BEING. That is marvellous and I am so proud of you as it is such a difficult thing to do.

      Ha! I am bigger than you and I have a wooden spoon with your name on it! Smirk! Snigger! Giggle! And you leave me and my poor little red bum out of it! LOL!

      Hugs
      Ami

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  3. I think this is my favorite post. I know I should write some sort of words if wisdom but I would fall short with this one. You have said so much and shared so much of your heart, that really? There's no advice TO give, only that i love how you've found a positive, soul-deep reflection in this two year anniversary. You didn't bring it out with silly balloons and toy novelties to say, "hey! We made it two years and it's been hunky dory the whole time!" No. You showed us that it's never going to be easy, that really nothing EVER is, but if your goal is to have a loving relationship and a strong marriage, then it's worth every year and struggle along the way. That's why I loved it. It's really my favorite post. I got it. I get you. I'm so happy for the "us" you and B have become.

    Now, on a lighter note, you need to get your skinny behind to my house ASAP. That's an order from The professor. Just sayin. Love and hugs. M.

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    1. I meant *tear, but *year works too. FYI.

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    2. I don't need your words of wisdom. Your friendship is all I require my friend. Goodness knows you've had 'earfuls' of crap dumped on you for months now! ( okay for years but why get picky about minor details).

      Balloons and toy novelties? LOL C'mon now you weren't really expecting that from ME were you? Although I will phone later to discuss toys if you'd like! No it hasn't been hunky dory the entire time. It hasn't been 'rip your husband's clothes off the second he walks through the door' either. You and I discussed theories on all of these things. Perhaps depending on where your relationship was before Dd dictates how you react? We weren't at each other's throats prior to Dd so maybe our progression appeared slower and less obvious because there were no OVERT changes to be seen? Just a theory of course.

      Your favourite post eh? I have to say when I wrote it I thought, " Oh my J****"" ( that was just for YOU) this post SUCKS and is such a ramble. Yet I pressed post anyway.

      AND as for your lighter note~ I see right through you two! You want a sister wife to deal with all that 'crap' you have going on. I am NOT bringing your clothes down to the river to beat them against a rock. Finish your mansion and then I will come and drink wine with you and your converse wearing man can be our cabana boy! *wink*

      My love
      willie

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  4. Willie, I hope this works out and not giving up works for you. I hope your next post talks about all the things you guys learned from this hard place. But when I search my heart I know sometimes it is time to shut up and give up. I hope it's not for you two.

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    1. Oh Clara I am sorry things are not as you hoped they would be. I think maybe this is why you took my post differently than intended. My post DOES talk about all the things we have learned from being in a difficult place. My post was intended to show all the self discoveries that happen BECAUSE of these difficult times.

      Clara I can't speak for you but giving up isn't an option for me. The biggest obstacle we have encountered has always been ME, in many regards. I thought I had complete trust in B, but clearly I didn't. Sure his 'coasting' along often made me feel insecure and unseen, but that is the time I should have spoken up....and a great deal of times I did. Often we were not at the same place at the same time, but trusting that he wanted to be would have made ALL the difference in the world.

      He blames himself just as much as I blame myself. The truth of the matter is though, maybe he didn't show me what I required, but if I had CHOSEN to see how he was trying as opposed to THINKING he wasn't, I would have saved us a lot of heartache. If I continued to really listen to the changes in me that were happening, and then think that perhaps he was changing silently too I would have had a better understanding of our development. Signs were all around us. Others saw them, but we didn't. I suppose the crashing and burning WAS necessary for us. I don't regret a single moment- not a tear, nor gut wrenching ( and yes I literally was over the bowl a couple of times) moment. Why? Because all of these times,while painful, weakened my armour- cut through the BS I was feeling MYSELF and gave me great insight. The insight wasn't always correct initially, but once I allowed it to come into focus, more and more came into view too.

      I am not saying I have all the answers for myself right now. I most certainly don't! I am not even saying that what I feel I have discovered won't change next week. What I am saying is I believe I now have a different perspective. One that might help in the future. I am also saying that I suspect that perspective will change again, and I hope I don't metaphorically dig my heels in when it does. That I will just go with the flow.

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  5. Willie,
    First, congrats on 2 years!! That needs to be celebrated. You've both worked so hard, please celebrate it somehow.

    I loved this post, probably my favorite ever, so party more and stay up late..your writing is wonderful. I honestly cried a bit through some of this because it hits so close to home right now. I struggle with this women I am now, and I can really relate to being way more emotional. My husband seems to have a hard time..at times, dealing with the emotion and tears, and I want to just go back under that force field, but like you, I think it's broken and maybe that is okay. I loved what you wrote about never giving up and never shutting up , it's just the best advice. You can get through anything by remembering those two things.

    What I love the most about you, is that you never sugar coat the bad. These relationships are so hard, I was completely unprepared for the difficultly, but your words have always helped me feel not so alone and they've helped me gain a better understanding of myself. The one thing I think you should do..and this is just my opinion, and you can tell me to shut it, but I think you should try and celebrate your highs and accomplishments more, because I can see so much growth and so much love! I think you both are doing so wonderfully, and while I know it's a little scary to let go and let him lead, it will be an exciting adventure to see where he takes you

    Loved the "Every day I had to make a choice" I'm going to take that to heart today, and let go of some anger. Thank you for such a great post! Can't wait to see where you both go from here!

    Big Hugs!!

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    1. Hi Jennelle.

      LOL.... I had to laugh at parts of your comment. You know, we aren't all doom and gloom around here! No we didn't celebrate our 2 years, but it isn't because we aren't happy about it. I am not sure how to describe it. It was a day that changed our lives for the better back in October 2012. Yet it is what it is. More like starting a new 'job' as opposed to a new marriage. Okay that sounded horrible. LOL...Never mind!

      Basically my discoveries and actualizations ARE my celebrations Jennelle. The relief that comes over me is a high that is better than any celebration!

      I want to thank you for your kind words. They truly mean more than you will know. I certainly don't set out to make other people 'think' and often I think, 'good grief you sound like a head case Wilma!'. So thank you for at least telling me I'm not the only 'head case' on the block. When I started my blog ( a million years ago), I promised myself I would be honest and true TO myself in my writing. This is one of the reasons I went private. I found that because of murmurings in 'the background' about what I wrote or how I conducted myself ( through the eyes of others) I began to edit how I wrote. Or didn't write at all. I wasn't worried about security. I went private so I could be open and be true to myself. I didn't start off my blog to entertain others. Nor do I feel I have any right to 'show people' how it is done. I write about myself and if people can take something away from our experiences that benefit them, WONDERFUL. But that is never my intent. So no...no sugar coating! That is not to say we don't have so much fun with our adventure either. I guess I just don't feel the need to write about that. Writing is a process for me, and I don't feel the need to process the good stuff, just enjoy it!

      Love
      willie

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    2. oh. I totally know you're not all doom and gloom. I can see how much fun you both have together, and I'm sorry my comment came across that way.
      I completely understand why you went private, I'm just glad I'm here :)

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    3. No your comment didn't REALLY come across that way ;) No need for any apologizes

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  6. Willie, the reason I requested inclusion in your blog list was because of blogs like this one. You express so much of the deep feelings in the journey. Not focusing on only the spanking, punishment aspect but delving deeply into the hows whys and where ttwd leads us. You are amazing in being able to project those feelings of joy, fear, uncertainty that we all feel. Thank you for your insight.

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    1. Just like Jennelle's comment Brittany this comment affects me more than you will know. I always thought I stood out ( in a negative way) in blog land because I don't care about writing about spankings etc. Sure I did at the start, everything is so new and exciting, but in truth Dd isn't really about that for me. I don't mean to judge others by that comment. I know people write for all kinds of different reasons. My reason is to process and like I said to Jennelle if others can benefit from that great! If not hopefully my personal goal of processing was achieved as that is the sole purpose for me.

      I am touched that you manage to find some use in my ramblings Brittany. Truly I am.

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  7. Willie,, this post struck a deep chord with me; especially the don't shut up wisdom. So often our problems are caused by not knowing what we think and then not being able to express our needs, wants, desires. It has become so important to not shut up, especially to myself....if I can't speak it out to me, then who can I say it to.

    Maybe the early mornings are a sign that you need time to yourself for some peace and quiet. Time to talk it out with yourself before going into battle against the dragon (or caveman) Enjoy the mornings, they are the best part of the day.

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    1. Hey there Don!

      As far as the don't shut up thing, I think my brothers and sisters wouldn't take to kindly to me promoting that. My brother is always telling me to " Sit on your hands and shut up". BUT for a relationship, the right type of communication might help..LOL You are right about talking to yourself to. Sometimes it takes me quite a while to listen and hear myself before I can talk to Barney.

      The mornings are pretty much mine. I can't sleep and the bears in this den can't seem to wake up!

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  8. Gosh, there's so much here and I don't even know where to start, but "I don't know where Barney will take our relationship next..." sounds so perfect. What a great place to be after two years and a great start to your next xx years of ttwd.

    I'm with the others - the brutal honesty is refreshing.

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    1. Sounds perfect? LOL well that feeling probably lasted 4 days! You know how ttwd bounces us around. I do agree though, it is starting to feel more and more like a good place~ I have probably said that before too.

      Thank you about the honesty thing. Brutal, that's me

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  9. Congratulations on your two year anniversary! Thank you for sharing the need to keep talking, don't bottle up and Barney's words "All my life I thought that being a nice guy was good enough ... You need to know I am here for you. You need to feel it. I can't assume that you just do." I'm very happy for you both.

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    1. Hi MEG!!!!

      I know we all KNOW we need to keep talking. It is just that we have to give ourselves those pep talks constantly to continue to keep the lines of communication open. So much easier said than done. I was a person who was watching Barney coast and would get frustrated by that, but in a way I was coasting myself. Oh well hopefully this lesson I have learned will 'stick'.

      So happy to see you stop by Meg ;) We'll have to chat soon. ( Oh and thank you for checking up on me the other week when things were crazy in our city. Much appreciated!!!)

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  10. Hi Willie, sorry that I am a little late with my answer, but this time it was not only because of Mathilda, more because what you wrote about your and Barney’s journey was so touching. The struggle you had to deal with must have been so difficult, I mean, you, stating that you wouldn’t ask for anything Barney would not want, Barney not believing you in that moment out of all. Everybody knows such moments, but some of these are not as serious as the one you had there. Being numb made it so much clearer for me, and I am just too happy that you found a way out of this (putting all the good things away into the attic, oh no!)
    I am glad that your force field has changed for the better. Instead of being completely impenetrable, it is no longer emotion- and Barney-proof (Ok, some protection is gone, but I always found this kind of protection difficult to handle anyway, because this let me feel dull). And being open is so intimate and awesome.
    The moment when you found the missing piece of your puzzle must have been so awesome too, in a way. Maybe less so with Barney not being there immediately to understand you in this moment, but I’d call it a ‘wow-moment’, even though the matter was not solved yet.

    Barney’s point of view has impressed me pretty much, btw. He has shown so much insight and must have grown immensely with the things you do and in your relationship. I know some (allegedly adult) men who could not fit the words ‘actively involved’ and ‘wife and family’ together at all (sorry, don’t want to be snot-nosed). And Barney must have scrutinized his core just as much as you have done that with yours.
    I am really glad you could take the boxes with all the good things out of the attic again! … Yeah, ok, I guess crying is part of the deal, but what you two actually made out of the difficult moments is simply wonderful. Explaining how important you are for each other must have been one of the most wonderful declarations of love possible. Awesome.
    I love what you learned from these two years. ‘Never give up’ and ‘never shut up’ are so important in a relationship. Besides, I wouldn’t have thought that you are in a bad place, because what you have described so wonderfully, is a journey with some bumps in the road, but from the way I understood you, it is also one where you two grew together so much more. Sounds exciting and promising to me and if anything, this is a journey of two lovers.
    I think what you wrote about ttwd and how it helps the core to shine, is lovely. What a great post, thank you for this.

    Lots of hugs and happy Halloween !

    Nina

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    1. Hi Nina....and baby!

      Thank you so much for you lengthy comment. I know your time is limited, ( and brain power even more so at times) with a little one!

      Being numb to that degree Nina was something very new for me. Those two days were unbearable, almost. I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone. Unfortunately I have known the great pain of the loss of a loved one, and naturally that is something entirely different ....but this, this uncertainty, loss, numbness, embarrassment, fear, confusion- not something I hope to experience to that degree ever again.

      Amazing discoveries for both of us did come out of this time however you are right! I just wish the pain wasn't necessary. Hopefully some day in the future it won't be, but if it is, maybe I'll remember to just NOT GIVE UP...the answer is there to be found if we are willing.

      Thank you for your kind words Nina~

      willie

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  11. See, I was waiting to comment until I had an afternoon off and could sit at the computer and could read the whole thing in one sitting. Willie, I don't have any advice or deep thoughts for you. But thank you for sharing this. I guess we sorta chatted a tiny bit about it already. I really like seeing this other side, for all it's worth, the good and for the difficult.

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    1. We did sort of chat about this already. I do believe you had just finished being tortured, er that is got out of a long car ride! Thanks for the ear that night! As for the other side, urgh I hope I don't have too many days like that in the future to share more of it ! LOL

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  12. Congratulations to you both on 2 years of Ttwd!

    Wow! Where to start. This is such an awesome post and wonderful reflection on the last two years and how far you and Barney have come, as a couple and as individuals. I love how honest you always are in your posts. You share it all, the good times and the struggles. These are the posts that share the greatest insight and that I, and I know many others, learn the most from. You show just how deep this lifestyle is beyond the spanking lol and how it forces us to delve deep inside ourselves and share all of us with our partner. It is just as much a journey (sorry :) of self discovery as it is a joint one.

    It has been such an honour for me to follow your adventure and I treasure our friendship. I'm so proud of how far you have come in discovering your true self and sharing yourself with Barney. His words to you ... just wow!

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Hey Lady!!!

      You know way back during those first few months if it wasn't for you and Rick I am not sure we would have made it to year one let alone two.

      We have come a long way together and as individuals. I will tell you ttwd at our house is not the stuff novellas are written about! LOL. Nothing glam about struggles and tears. There isn't much ripping of clothes off either. What there is a deep understanding of each other. What makes us tick. Our FEARS. Wow how scary is that? To share that with another person.

      These 2 years have given me not just my soul mate, but my soul and my mate. I wish I was better at describing the intimacy all this pain has brought us. There feels like a endless well within and we are merely touching our toes to the surface. It is exciting and scary. But most of all there is such a calmness to it all. I know there will be buckets more of tears, and hurt feelings, but we are two people trying to live as one. Of course there is going to be conflict. But to us that means we are alive and growing!

      I treasure our friendship so very much too Ros!

      love
      willie

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  13. Willie, congratulations on y'alls second year anniversary. I echo all the other's appreciation for the honest and open way you share your thoughts and feelings. I agree that marriage is hard and if you believe in palm reading, I am sure that yours has a distinct indication the day when you started TTWD! (did you just check?)

    Although I am old enough to be your father, I think of you as a younger sister and I am very proud of you. You are passionate about life and Barney is a lucky guy to have you as his soul-mate. I do understand what Barney said about being a nice guy is not enough when it comes to wife and family. I feel the same way and it has no bearing on anyone other than us as husbands and fathers and is a marvelous realization that not everyone gets.

    The future is yet to be written and there will be good and bad, great decisions and others you will regret, but such is life. You guys have come a long way and I am confident your and Barney's future will continue to be an E-ticket ride!

    love,
    George

    (In case you don't remember, originally all the rides at Disneyland had tickets that rated the rides from A-E with E being the most exciting. The Matterhorn bobsled was and E Ticket ride!)

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    1. LOL George, my hand looks like google maps of down town Tokyo ! Who can tell?

      And I am no mathematician, and I know you are a musician but I am pretty sure there is no flippin' way you are old enough to be my father! A younger sister I will definitely take! You are much easier to be around than my own older two brothers. I'm not sure Barney is the lucky one here. After all he didn't ask for this new life, it has caused him great angst and pain, and yet he endures it for the benefit of us. He has blindly taken multiple leaps of faith time and time again. Now who is really the lucky one?

      Good thing you explained the E-ticket thing. Not sure if it is a memory issue or a CANADIAN thing as we are talking an American Theme Park...LOL. But I didn't have a clue what you were talking about! *wink*.

      Love
      willie

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  14. Congrats on 2 years. I know what you mean about wanting to go back to that honeymoon phase. We are past that now and I find myself wondering, "Do I want to do this anymore?" Hmm. I guess the answer remains to be seen. Cheers to what lays ahead for the two of you.

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    1. Paige, I am not sure I ever felt 'do I want this anymore' but I did feel ' can I DO this anymore' . That was more based on the ups and downs of the emotions. I used to tell people that settles down, and it does to a degree, maybe it just changes. As for the Honeymoon Phase, overrated. The best is yet to come. I realized that that RUSH of feeling and excitement with the honeymoon phase is 'merely' life now. If I am quiet and listen, it is still there, but it has become our normal. It isn't about spankings, or 'looks' that give you tingles, it is about looks that have nothing to do with discipline. It is the feeling of a comfy sweater on a chilly night. It is the security that he may stumble and so may you, but the worst you'll suffer is a skinned knee, because this is your life now. You understand each other and the barriers are (almost) gone.

      I thought back at the start that I knew this feeling already, I didn't. And I know darn well that in the future I will laugh at myself at the intimacy depths I think I am feeling now. The possibilities are endless in any relationship if we keep looking forward. Striving for it.

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  15. Congrats on two roller coaster, wonderful, life-changing, crazy, loving years. There is so much to say to you but it all boils down to this... You and Barney are great examples for me and for many other blog friends. Admitting the ups and downs gives us the courage to keep marching on. The laughter that you bring not only in your posts but within your friendship always makes me look forward to chatting with you. And knowing how special you and Barney are as individuals and as a couple, I think that I am very fortunate to have you around.

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    1. Aw thanks so much for the kind words Blondie ( apologizes for taking so long to answer, bad habit when you chat with a person to think you have already answered their comment)

      I consider MYSELF the lucky one. You are a fantastic listener and a *ahem* pretty vocal friend! LOL. I appreciate BOTH~

      Love willie

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  16. Hi Willie! Happy 2nd Anniversary a few weeks late (super sorry it's taken me this long). Love the post! I think the "Don't give up, don't shut up" was my favorite. I have to admit, I struggle sometimes with the "shut up" part, lol.

    Hugs,
    Amy

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    1. Hey Amy!

      No worries, the blog is always open. LOL. I still struggle with the shut up part so don't worry, it is completely normal....well if you consider ME normal that is!

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  17. I agree, this post shows ups and downs and that's good to see, for all of us :) It's been so very long since I read or commented on a blog, but I had stumbled online and wanted to see how you were doing. Reading this made me want to look deeper into our journey, although much longer. We are ever evolving, and as I have said before. Dh isn't any easier than marriage..it's work as well. Progress is always awesome, but we must be just as prepared for the free falls. Setbacks, misunderstandings, snot-sobbing, messes, confusion, and finally..breakthroughs..abound. Lather, rinse, repeat...yeah. But worth it all because true intimacy is both illusive and priceless.

    Stormy

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