Thursday, January 15, 2015

Today is Different

Today is different.  I am not entirely sure how.  But today is different.  I do have my suspicions.  I can cite differences between today and two days ago, yet it seems so much more than that.  Deeper.  Perhaps I am afraid to really examine, dissect, why today is different?  Yet part of me has been pushed to write so that perhaps I can cultivate this feeling so that tomorrow is different too.

December was an interesting month.  Well the past 6 months have actually been interesting.  Unsettling times of personal discovery.  I have mentioned to many that chaos and confusion agitate me.  In part I think that is why I have been unsettled.  Discovering yourself, after you think you have already discovered yourself, ( MULTIPLE times) can 'rock you' to your core.  Hmm, that doesn't sound quite right.  It can cause an uncertainty, and anxiety that silently seeps into your life in ways you can't or won't allow yourself to see.  Yet, there isn't an overt negativity that takes over, just ....white noise.  You know how quiet it is when the power has gone out?  All the background noise is gone.   You don't realize how much noise your refrigerator can conjure up until it is silenced.  How much noise your furnace makes until it goes off. I didn't realize I was unsettled in mind and truthfully in body until today,for today is different.

A fellow Dd wife who I have known almost since the start of our little adventure said to me not too long ago, " You sound different.  More settled....how did you change?"  ( or something along those lines).  Off the top of my head, I mentioned what I had basically written about in October.  All of those little discoveries, I truly believe helped me once again feel more settled.  Yet something still wasn't right, inside.  ( Oh if you are waiting for a big epiphany reveal later on, you can stop reading now....there is none).


This December, in so many ways I was ahead of 'the game'.  I had more baking done, yet it barely seemed to me that I had done any, as I spaced it out ( um anyone require some baking, we are STILL knee deep in squares- send teenage boys ..stat!).  I had entertained several times with no last minute rushing around.  Life  was fantastic. No stresses. BUT things began to slip away.  I suspected they would as the holidays tend to get us a tad off track.  However, I can actually pinpoint when we hit our first bump in the road.  One day I asked Barney, before he started making out his list for me for the day, if I could do 'my own thing today' as I had a million things to do.  He agreed.  Looking back that was the start of our detachment from each other.  Not so much ttwd, because we do still live it regardless, but it was different.  I then contracted a nasty cold, ( thank GOD I was uber organized this year) that lasted basically from the 23rd of December until around the 3rd of January.  At this point, Barney contracted it.  Naturally he was dying of the plague, searching for locusts and seven horsemen while snotting all over the house....but I digress. In between I had seen and maybe even fixated on a few things that I hadn't recognized about our relationship in a long time.

Also in December I focused my thoughts on myself.  WOW okay that sounds selfish.  I reflected on myself.

Willie the Introvert



Back in October at a Halloween party of all places, I stood there talking with two girlfriends.  One is a stand up comedian, the other a human rights advocate and liaison to the Canadian Government.  My one friend, let us call her Joan, went on to explain how the three of us while appearing very different were in fact very much the same.  We were all introverts.  This was the first time I think anyone has ever said I was an introvert ( she is actually correct, by the way but no one ever thinks I am).  She further went on to explain how Kim, the stand up comedian, puts on a persona to perform, so others who are not introverts would never understand how Kim could be classified as one.  We discussed how friends fail to see us as such because whenever they are around us we are among friends...so we are comfortable.  This may seem like something so small and insignificant, but to me that discussion and the realization that not only am I an introvert, I can actually be 'spotted' as one was huge.  To me,  I realized that night that Joan SAW me.  Now Joan and I are friends, and I care for her very deeply, but we are not friends that phone each other up and 'hang out'.  We will lunch together.  We will go and see Kim's show together or have 30 minute conversations in a grocery store if we run into each other, but we are not in each other's back pocket.  Joan has known me since I was about 20 and lived with a friend of hers.  Our relationship status was all the more reason for me to appreciate being 'seen' by her.  It was okay to be me.  If that makes any sense.




Chaos, Confusion and Control


I know a few people who do not like being in large crowds.  I consider myself one of those people.  I do believe my reasons are different than my friends'.  I don't like large crowds but there are various reasons.  I can be at crowded shopping mall by myself and not be nearly as effected, as if I am with one or more people.  The 'whereabouts' of others causes me such stress.  I can zig and zag through a crowd quite easily and I ALWAYS know where the exit is.( For a limited time that is.)  However that is a room full of strangers. If I am at a party I am okay as long as I know EVERYONE there...everyone.  Insert ONE person I don't know....it can be crippling.  It is like I am being watched, ( I know, nice ego on you Willie).  I used to sit on a Board of Directors.  During our AGM I would have to sit at a head table.  MOST of the people in the audience were my neighbours and friends.  Sprinkle in a few people I don't know...silence.  OR God forbid have me present as opposed to just answer questions...PANIC.  What I discovered about all of this, once I was willing to admit it to myself and then dissect it,  I don't like chaos, I don't like the unknown.  I don't like confusion.  Those three adjectives are all about loss of control.  Don't get me wrong, I don't DESIRE to be a control freak.  As I have said before my need for control is based on fear and anxiety.  Needless to say, I am not great with the, go with the flow mentality.  There lies in my fear of crowds and groups.  It is too unpredictable. ( Plus I can never see LOL).

Relationships

( Please don't sit there and analyze where you 'rate' one is not 'better' than another, this entry is how *I* RELATE to, not RATE friends)  I started thinking about friends and relationships a while back.  Joan for example, on paper might not seem like a close friend, but my heart warms when I think of her.  She is very special to me for many reasons, yet probably none that would sound any different than another friend.  It is merely how I relate to her.  I was trying to explain freedom of feelings to Barney one day.  Feelings of freedom in friendships.  I'm sure, or I certainly HOPE you have at least one friend ( not including your partner) who you can just 'be' with.  Some of you, like I thought, might actually think you have many, many ...truth is, I don't.  Again, I have so many wonderful, beautiful and loving friendships, but after putting them under a microscope, and I don't mean my friends, I mean my feelings and how I personally interact with them, I realized I don't have many, many.
I tried to illustrate ( poorly) with a visual to Barney.


Some of my friends, emotionally hover around the 4 cup mark on this measuring up.  One would assume that means full.  PLEASE this is Wilma speaking of course this analogy will be bass ackwards!  

Think of things that float in the measuring cup.  Some friends float around at the surface.  I enjoy, care, perhaps love them very much, I just don't share the depths of myself with them that I do others.  There can be very many reasons why.  Perhaps I feel they don't share their whole with me?  Perhaps I have felt they don't understand all of me, or maybe I don't grasp key parts of them.  Perhaps I feel guarded or interpret they have an uneasiness about them?  Or maybe there is nothing I can put my finger on as to why, it just is for me.  Don't get me wrong I don't look at the call display on my phone and say " Oh 4 cupper I'll let it go to voice mail" .  My friends are very important to me.  I have a large family but they are spread out all over my province and our ages vary too.  My friends are my family.  I will rush over in the middle of the night to emergency babysit or drive your mother to her 'exercise' class while you are away no matter where we are connected emotionally in my heart.  Because all my friends still reside there.

On to the 2 cuppers.  The half way mark you may think, but to me it is the symmetrical line.  To steal the word from a friend, balanced.  Right in the middle.  Even. Emotionally free.  The (few) people who I emotionally connect with here may or may not be 'like' me, ( okay well to be honest they are definitely more intelligent than I ...I mean who wants stupid friends ....except them I suppose! lol)  Being with them is like being with myself, as in I can just BE.  I am not there to tell a story, although I do.  I am not there to pick up their pieces, although I can.  I am not there to drag them down with me...UM no comment.  You know the saying, " Be the friend you want to have" ?  These are those women.  They are the friend I want to be.  I am.  At the core that is what is most important to me.  That is the greatest freedom of friendship.  No 'over thinking' .  No hesitating ( you know once you are past the 'breaking in period").  Just being.

Ah so what of the deep dark 1 cuppers?  They are the ones I also hold dear to my heart, but they are well....The ones that see through you.  Oh not that the others can't or don't, but it feels different.  The 4 cuppers are made up of all different sexes.  The 2 cuppers are all women, so far in my life.  The 1 cups?  All men.  All dominant men, but of varying degrees.  Ones that make you unsettled at times.  Ones you don't want to disappoint, yet I hesitate to say that because I don't ever want to disappoint any friends.  It is just different ( NO not tingling in your naughty bits different!). I once had a friend tell me over 20 years ago " Don't ever let me catch you....."  and to this day I haven't.  It isn't that he has any authority over me.  Well I can't really vocalize it without sounding completely insane.

So Barney, where does he fit in emotionally?  He floats between the one and the two cup line.  When I become afraid I sometimes push him higher closer to the 4 cup line, but really he isn't ever there.  I am just afraid or stubborn. 

Why was this an important discovery?  Because I discovered how I can close or open depending on who I am with.  Again not necessarily because of THEM but because of me.  Barney has repeatedly told me over the last few months how he is proud of my friendships.  An odd thing at first to hear, but I am beginning to understand.  I am in a more aware because distractions of holding back myself emotionally are not there.  I didn't even realize that was an issue.  It is like taking complete breaths of air as opposed to shallow.  Eventually all those shallow breaths had me hyperventilating.  I didn't realize that until now.


Can't Touch This

I don't like people touching me.  I will even wash my hair before going to get my hair cut I dislike it so much.  Just the thought of it  makes me feel uncomfortable.  Perhaps the thought of it more than anything.  I have never had a massage.  I have never gone for a manicure or pedicure.  I probably never will.  Don't get me wrong, I hug my family and I long for my husband's touch.  For a long while now I have wondered about all of this.  The 'service industry' touching I always just chalked up to not enjoying being waited on.  Perhaps in part that is still true.

When I started thinking about my blanket statement, " I don't like people touching me"  I began to think of people I don't mind touching ( hugging ) me.  This in a way sort of goes hand in hand with the freedom of feelings.  First off I pick up on others awkwardness, or who knows, creates my own and  they pick up on it?  I do know that if people don't send off that vibe, their hug and affection is natural to me.  I have friends where I have no option, and mostly that is more than fine with me.  I have other friends now that I look back and think on it, that hug with hesitation and it is like banging two stones together.  Perhaps we are?  My wall against theirs.

Pain.

Pain, another discovery.  I believe I touched on this before but I will expand a tad.  I have known for a few months now that one of my issues concerning letting go during the physical aspect of ttwd stems from the deeply ingrained feeling that pain is something to be conquered not given in to.  Do I *like* pain?  No.  Do I enjoy the after effects of pain I have submitted to?  Yes.  I thought that this realization would be enough for me to 'coach' myself through and submit to the pain while it was happening.  It wasn't.  More recently, like REALLY recently, I discovered that I needed to add emotional pain to my list of the deeply ingrained feelings that it needs to be conquered.  THIS is a huge obstacle to overcome.  Coaching myself out of this was not something that was going to be easy, as really I haven't a clue even where to begin.

But today is different.

Yesterday I was punished for the outburst I had on Friday.  The kids were home, so in part that was the reason for the delay but more than that, I think Barney needed to distance himself from that day.  Some would think it would be due to the fact that he was too angry.  Emotion I'd assume played a huge part, but the other end of the spectrum.  He was upset that he let me become so detached ( or his part in it).  My punishment for me, my body, my mind, my heart was lack luster.  Oh there was evidence of punishment after, it just didn't feel that way.  Barney focused on how my actions during my outburst could have caused me injury.  I sensed he needed to focus on what might have happened to me as opposed to what it was doing to our relationship because he felt responsible for the latter.  I said nothing.

He did ask me later what was on my mind.  What was on my mind was that I wished I could have been reached.  I wished that it was unbearable because I needed to forgive myself.  Only I couldn't say that.  Not this time.  I needed to let it go.  Later in the day he was different.  Still true to himself, but different.  I submitted to something in a situation where I normally might not have.  That is not to say I would have actually SAID no, but he would have stopped.  I held back my tears ( okay not really but I was quiet about it) and submitted.  Barney most likely noticed, but he continued to want my submission.  This was all very different for me, for us.

Later I felt different.  Yet not.  Different from how I had felt for a very long time.  I felt right.  I don't mean overjoyed that 'I did it"  I mean deep down inside .  I felt right AGAIN.  That feeling had slowly slipped away and I didn't notice because so many other things were taking place in my crazy head.  So many things that needed to take place, but they were shading my little seedling in there I suppose



Now I am an optimist, but I do have realistic thoughts too.  I was hoping this was the turning of a corner for me, but I was cautiously optimistic.  I was 'coached' on how to water my little seedling.  And a little rewards program too.  Move one rock over from a vase to a bowl each time I water my seedling.  ( Sounds simple right?  Nope it took me three tries to find the right size, colour and weight of the rock.  I couldn't find a bowl I liked so I opted for just the top of a cabinet for now~  perhaps I am still thinking they can slide away.  I did something less vulnerable and submissive the next day, and walked back and forth between the vase and the cabinet with various sized rocks contemplating if it 'counted' or not.  I settled on a sea shell fragment that was very small, but beautiful ...I need help I tell you!)


Onto today ( I heard that FINALLY people..rude),  Barney decided another spanking was needed.  I don't even know how to classify it for those who like names.  It wasn't a reset.  It sure wasn't maintenance.  Reconnection?  You know, maybe it was role affirmation.  I honestly don't know if we have ever truthfully have had one of those.  If we have it has been a long while.  But as you may have heard, today was different.

Within minutes I could tell something was different.  Except I don't believe this time it was different with Barney.  Sure I had been punished the day before, but those physical feelings had left by the evening.  No this was different.  Not too long into the spanking I was sweating.  I haven't sweated for a long time during a spanking and I was really sweating.  I felt every swat.  Normally I try to stay focused and present during a spanking as I can detach.  I think it is my way of coping with pain.  I can't say I stayed focused yesterday, I just WAS.  My mind bounced around, but stayed.  I honestly don't recall a lot of what Barney said either.  Usually it is his words that keep me 'there' or bring me back, but this time was, different.  I wasn't actively thinking.  The pain came and went as time wore on, but something was definitely different.


Today my little voice became louder again.  I believe all of these bits and pieces of me have been tossed about like puzzle.  Piece by piece I have been putting the bigger picture of me back together again.





  Except this time I am not using a hammer to pound the pieces in.  Or maybe it is a scavenger hunt to me.  I am not sure.

All I know is that today is definitely different.


25 comments:

  1. I think you're brave to constantly continue to delve into who you ARE. Not everyone is willing to keep searching and keep learning to see why their emotions take them where they do. Not everyone wants to know! Some like living in the past, or worse, they live in complete obliviousness and simply hope for a change they put no work into.

    It doesn't work that way.

    You are and always have been different. That's why I adore you. You're never sitting on the sidelines. You're out there on the forefront, always making time for the underdog and sending encouragement and taking the time to comment. All the while you're living in your world seeking out newness to make your life rich and full. That's the stuff of strength. That's the stuff that makes you brave. You never back down and you are a fighter.

    I'm not going to comment on your post exactly, because I think it was "for your eyes only" so-to-speak. However, the byproduct is so great too, that we onlookers can get a glimpse into a true relationship where two folks are working at this thing every.single.day.

    Thank you for letting us in. You already know you're fabulous but sometimes it's important for friends to come by and just tell you. So that's what I'm doing.

    Just don't let it go to your head or I'll have to tell Barney you're getting too big for your britches. :)

    Love you loads girlie.
    M.

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    1. Hey, hey bestie! LOL. First off THANK YOU SO MUCH. I betcha you think I am thanking you for the kind words. Nope, for using capitals! I am over the moon at the moment. snort

      Well you and I both know you aren't actually an 'onlooker'. If it wasn't for you this post would never have seen the light of day. Thank you so much for encouraging me to post it. And thank you for encouraging me by being my sounding board throughout this crazy ride we are on.

      I am so blessed to have found you, and I love you loads too!
      Love
      willie

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  2. I keep trying to think of what I want to say and think that it just keeps sounding cheesy...so excuse the cheese, but I truly find your journey of self discovery to be inspirational. What you are doing is hard work, but it sounds like you are reaching a place of peace...oh, I know, I am sure that there will be other battles and other discoveries and there is always a one step forward, two steps back thing in self discovery. But you are traveling the road less traveled...it would be easy to just fall into old patterns and just say forget it, but even though you occasionally say you are...you pick right back up again and push through the issue. That is hard work and I am inspired by it.

    Your thoughts on friendships are very thought provoking too...I used to think that I had to put forth the same effort in all my friendships and I was left feeling exhausted...I couldn't keep up. Then I realized that not everyone had to be nor did they want to be the same type of friend. It was okay to have those friends you only see at your kids' soccer practice...it was okay to have work friends that you never see outside work, and the best sort of friend were those that you hadn't seen in a while but when you talk it is like you were there together all along. I realized that they were all important in their own way, they didn't all have to be super close and all the different kinds brought joy of some sort to my life and hopefully I to them.

    I have a long way to go to work on mine and Levi's (if it weren't for your warning below I almost said his real name...oops!) friendship. I still feel like sometimes we don't "see" each other still. He is an introvert and I go back and forth. Every time I take the test it is different...51%/49% so poor Levi has trouble understanding my moods...bless his heart. One minute I need to talk and talk and do something social and the next I just want everyone to go away and leave me alone for hour or so.

    I am a hugger so I am sending you virtual hugs, but I also like my personal space so often give great big hugs and then back up two steps:) I can't stand when someone talks a foot from my face...ack.

    I am glad something is different and I hope it continues to be:)

    Hugs, Bea

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    1. Hi Bea!

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful comment. I am honoured that you are 'inpsired' by my picking myself back up again, on a journey of self discovery, but honestly, I have no choice. I have often thought about not getting back up again ( um figuratively of course) but that thought while comforting in the moment makes me extremely 'sad' when reality sets in. Nope I have no choice.

      The part about my friends I thought would either be confusing or insulting. I a happy to hear it was neither. I understand what you say about putting forth the same level of energy in every friendship, and how that can make someone feel exhausted. It can also make you feel hurt and extremely frustrated it those friends don't appear to reciprocate in kind. You know it is alright to not have a deep rooted connection with everyone. It took a while for me to understand the emotions behind what that meant, because it certainly doesn't' mean I care any less. And the friend that calls a couple of times a year and says 'let's grab a coffee an gab' is every bit a piece of the puzzle that my "oh my God I am having a meltdown and need to talk to ....." friend is. Valuable but different.

      Well Bea I think we all need to continue to work on our friendships with our spouses. It is those that don't who have the most issues. I will tell you with the kids the ages that yours are, running willy nilly all over the city, it is difficult to feel seen or have the energy to see. But be patient ( she ducks as things are thrown at her) because you are laying a foundation. As for the introvert part, I decided to take one of those tests ( okay 2) after I read your comment. I6/20 showed introvert on the first one and I had a 96% personal boundary restriction on the other, or some darn thing. LOL. But to look at me with my peers you wouldn't peg me to be an introvert. Before we started ttwd I would host huge parties, and then 'work' them. I wouldn't actually enjoy them other than the fact that everyone else was enjoying them. Control freak much? Yes, but I also came to realize it had become a way for me to keep people out. I always enjoyed the after party better. You know with the sticky floor, and the one friend who stayed to help clean? I always looked forward to that part most of all. And like you, then hiding for a few days!

      I will hug you Bea when we meet some day. I promise....but no tongue! *wink*.

      love willie

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  3. It's really strange to think of you as an introvert. Since I don't actually know you, I'll take your word for it.

    I understand that feeling you describe with Barney. I do it to Luke all the time. The one person I want to know and know me the best I push to the side. I think each time he accepts another layer of me it scares the hell out of me and I have to run and hide for a time. I bet if you let him Barney will be deeper than the 1 Cup level. I know Luke would if I stopped fighting.

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    1. Hmmm...a little light reading perhaps, http://higherperspective.com/2015/01/introverts.html . I can agree to about 95% of these statements ( perhaps more, math has never been my forte LOL)

      As for Barney, he is actually never AT the one cup line. Sometimes in my twisted mind I think so, but in my heart he has NEVER been there. Even the 2 years we were friends before dating, he was never there. He really is at the deepest level, I just have to trust MYSELF to let him be there. My Alpha friends who are there it is easier to embrace, because our times together are limited. The day in and day out stuff makes it a little more terrifying ! lol

      Love
      willie

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  4. I"m struggling with what to say other than I understand much of what you write about. I am an introvert also but have known that for years. I am glad that you are figuring things out and feel right again. Not feeling right can be very tiring. (speaking from years of not feeling 'right')

    Blessings,
    ZBG

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  5. Hi willie, thank you for this great post. Some of this reminded me of a sort of odyssey, where you go to different places and try to find home, the place where you have your inner peace and balance.
    That you wrote so much about your friends in this contexts makes so much sense, because I think very often our choices, who we allow in our lives and who we stop, mirrors much about our inner self. That’s one of the reasons why ‘It was ok to be me’ makes perfect sense to me.
    I loved your description of how you relate to your friends and I am fully with you on that. It is not a ranking at all, but just what you see in your friends, what makes them important for you. I get that the one cuppers are sort of those who could easily push you out of your comfort zone (literally any time, any place), because they know exactly which button to press. Oh hey, that makes my bff and hubby two floaters between two and one cup. They can do this to me, but they are very careful with it. You didn’t say so, but your brew of friends/cuppers is moving and flexible, isn’t it? So, if the situation was right, a four cupper could float further down.

    *Gasp* ‘Do not touch?!’ Oh my, this is tough. I love hugs almost always. Well, there are exceptions, of course, but I am definitely a hugger, with women more than with men. But that’s sometimes maybe smell-related. :) Ok, it is connected to whether I like someone or not, too. I differentiate, sometimes hugging is just a ritual without deeper meaning and sometimes it expresses more than I can put into words. Hey you do that too, if you hug friends but are picky otherwise, you basically just differentiate. Nothing wrong with that, is it?! Isn’t this about who you want nearby, who you want to allow seeing more from your inner self and who can help you feeling ok being yourself?

    Wow, ok, I think I do know the difference between conquering and giving in to physical pain. But conquering emotional pain is so difficult to achieve (can take years!). You did that and realized it too. You leave me mouth open wide, wow. I need ages to realize half of that, if I manage at all.

    Hihi, this explains why you do not really like chaos, confusion and the unknown. You are highly structured deep within and found a way to tap this! … Did I mention wow?! For me this sounds like a good way to find inner peace and balance. Something I am looking for but achieve best with either hubby or my best friend.
    For me it seems like you have turned around the corner. I don’t know how many corners there will be, but I’d say you have come to a good place.

    big hugs (<-- good for the soul!)

    Nina

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    1. Hi Nina

      Keep your hands to yourself! LOL. It is not that I don't LIKE hugs, I just don't like superficial ones. AND well to be honest the ones that mean a lot to me, they can be too overpowering emotionally. Yup, I'm a mess!

      As for friends floating between levels, yes it happens. Sometimes it is just perception of an individual that has me categorizing at a certain level. More often than not however, they usually float up to more surface levels than down. Those in the 'two cup' range, they almost instantly resided there. The same can be said for the 4 cuppers.

      I am not sure there is inner peace with not liking chaos. Chaos is all around us in the world, and I can only try to keep it at bay within the confines of my house. Even then it sneaks in....dammit ! lol.

      As for turning a corner? Some days I still very much feel like I am residing in a circular room. But you know, that is okay too.

      Thanks for such a thoughtful comment Nina!

      willie

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  6. WOW!!! I do not have the correct words to respond, I wish I could sound so intellectual in my response but well I am just not that great with words LOL! (most of the reason I rarely post on the D&L forum) I have "some" words I am very great at! I love your post, So much of how you feel I relate to so well. It has also given me more to think about while Lee is traveling again. Thank you, I truly enjoy reading your blog!

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    1. Hi Honey!
      I am glad you enjoy reading my blog, because I certainly enjoy reading your comments! Stop worrying about sounding intellectual, just toss it out there woman! As for not posting on D and L...LOL...who can blame you on that one? And btw, perhaps I should thank you for not posting the words you ''are" good at expressing here!!! *wink*

      I hope you weren't thinking TOO much while Lee was gone.

      willie

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  7. I get it...in a way that doesn't have words to explain it. I get it in that I can see the words and know enough of you to nod or shake my head and I get it b/c while each of us grows differently, my heart has had some of the same feelings as I've found myself returning to "right" again. LOL...see...I don't have words to describe it so I'll stop trying.

    If I had known 4 plus years ago about how much digging would take place I don't know if I would have been brave enough, b/c like you, when I though the digging was over, I found whole caverns underneath that I could choose to open or leave alone. I'm thankful for my stubborn, thoughtful, stick-to-it friend who will eventually go to that next place and cultivate whatever she finds there. It reminds me to keep at it myself. Love ya.

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    1. Well I'm glad you get it...because you confused the heck out of me. So someone better know what is going on! *wink*


      As to the digging, man my arms are sore. Hopefully Barney won't read that comment because no doubt he'll have some cheesy comeback about his poor swinging arm!

      love
      willie

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  8. You know...when I read your post, I thought of Socrates and his thoughts on the examined life. I think that it is a very brave thing to look at who you are and how you are and try to understand yourself. You are looking at your life and the lives of others and seeking wisdom. You clearly have a passion for that and perhaps different means you have started to open up another door on the way to more wisdom about yourself. I wish that for you!

    On a totally different note, I sort of feel the same way about being touched...at least touched by strangers...why do people want to hug when we first meet? It has always put me off a bit to hear people say, "I'm a hugger" as if that gives them the right to hug me whether I want them to or not. But then, I just had lunch with a woman who had escaped from a cult after 26 years and she brought a friend along with her and they both hugged me right after we had lunch and it felt right...they were complete strangers only an hour before and then we were suddenly hugging like old friends. I can't explain it.

    Thanks for continuing to share your thoughts...they always lead me to have some of my own and I appreciate that!

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    1. Hey Lady.

      Oh dear, " open another door on the way to more wisdom about yourself" ? This sounds like a long, tiring process. Like Susie said, not sure when we started ttwd I signed up for that! lol

      YES....!! YES !! YES!! " I am a hugger" Pfft good for you! I am a biter. Do you mind? And btw, when did the handshake get replaced with a hug? STOP IT PEOPLE! lol But I do understand what you mean about it feeling right. I take no issue with the act of hugging at all actually. I just need to feel comfortable in the situaion, and don't expect me to melt into your arms.

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    2. Yeah, well then I guess you just need to stop thinking so hard about things and then sharing your thoughts because I read them and then get thoughts of my own :-) ...tiring or not it seems as though you and we all have trouble avoiding such long and tiring processes. By the way, girlie, we need to chat about the current Mr. Maybe....lololol

      I like that biting comment...maybe I need to use that...hmmmm.

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  9. I love how you're always digging deeper in yourself and your dynamic. Love that about you :)
    I can relate to this post, a whole lot of it.So many people think I'm an extrovert, and while I do like people and I think hanging out. I can only do it so long, and then I need to be alone to recharge, and I'm only extroverted with people I know, if I don't I clam up. I also get the not so touchy thing, that's me. My husband is very touchy and sometimes it drives me crazy, I just want to get away. I also know he needs that from me, so I try very hard to make sure his needs are met. It's even harder with strangers.
    I loved your description of your friends. I never thought of it as you ranking them, I get what you're saying especially about the one cuppers.
    I can tell you I feel the same way about pain, like it has to be conquered. It certainly doesn't make our dynamic easier with that thinking, but I can help it, and I know how painful resets can be!
    I know you write for yourself, and I love how this post is pretty much just for yourself. Thank you for sharing it. We're different people with different relationships, but you made me think about myself with this post. Self discovery is always a good thing... and thank you for always offering your support and advice to me :)

    Hugs..but only a virtual one!

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    1. Hi Jennelle

      Sorry I am so late getting back to everyone. Digging deeper, so much fun....NOT. LOL. I understand completely what you say about people thinking you are an extrovert. We used to host elaborate parties. People, including Barney assumed it was being the centre of attention, but actually once the party started, I was 'working' it. I was able to watch everyone, look like I was in the thick of it, but yet still be on the sidelines. It is easier for a person who doesn't have the ability to just relax in a social setting. Barney now understands that of me, as I finally understand that of myself.

      I don't mind Barney touching me...except if I am right about to fall asleep. Then again he isn't HANGING off of me. I do get somewhat claustrophobic when people are clinging...both physically and very much emotionally. I took one of those introvert tests online for fun, I scored 96% in personal space boundaries. LOL. That being said, I am not a cold fish either!

      The pain thing, well man that is complicated. How does one switch from 'conquering it' to embracing it? Or at the very least not fighting it. If you figure it out, drop me a line.

      I do write for myself, but it is great when I get such wonderful and understanding feedback. It makes me feel not so alone, or like a complete, self indulgent twit ! lol

      As for support and advice to you, I love reading your blog Jennelle. It is real. That is a very good thing!

      willie

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  10. Hey Willie,
    Sorry I have not responded to you and took so long to comment. Everyone here has been sick. We are just beginning to return to normal.
    This is a beautiful post Willie. I get it.
    I am an introvert. Just discovered this past year. For some reason I looked up the word several months ago and was shocked to discover "That's Me!". I had a different understanding of what it was and always thought I sat in the middle, between introvert and extrovert.
    I also don't like large crowds and totally get being in a crowded mall with 1 or 2 or 3 people and that being far more stressful then being there alone. The fear of separation and not finding them again......this can ratchet up my anxiety so fast......like a cat walking across a suspension bridge on a windless day. AAAARRRGGGG!
    Touching, it is something I worked to get over a long time ago put still not always comfortable with. When I was pregnant, it drove me crazy, "Why do you think it is OK to rub my belly when I have never even hugged you?!!" Why did I work on it? My family never said "I love you", never hugged. I don't remember being cuddled in my mothers arms. I didn't want that for my children. I know my parents loved me, but there is a feeling of security given to a child in the acts.
    Pain, physical pain I felt was to be endured or resisted, it took a long time to learn to release control and give to it. Since I don't like pain either sometimes it can still be really hard to do that.
    Emotional pain, it is very hard to reach a point of release when I box those emotions up so tightly. They are put away more securely than if they had been placed in a safe deposit box, under guard at a bank. Or so I think, but they influence my response to things, people, most times in a negative way. Only once was there a release from the emotional pain. It was because the emotions were so raw and strong I couldn't didn't want to carry them any more. I had tried to put them away, because there was nothing I could do to change the situation. Unfortunately, it kept me highstrung, and reactionary. I think the acceptance of that, the I couldn't change it....i was defeated....I was already at that edge. So when he decided enough was enough, it didn't take long at all to free fall over that edge. Even he was shocked at how much of a difference there was. The best way I can think of to describe it is that I was at peace, physically and mentally. I have needed that since then, that was a year ago. I think I wrote a post about it. But I have never hit that spot again. I have never been that primed already for it. He needs to go long and all that. I have told him this. Asked him to. But he still is not comfortable going there. So I reach a certain point and then sit in frustration. Sometimes the frustration is soooooo......frustrating it makes me want to brat. Never done it yet, because it probably wouldn't work any way.

    In many was you guys are speeding ahead of us, and in others we, especially you and me, still seem to be well.....in the same chapter.

    You should be proud of your friends Willie. It is a wonderful thing. I have one friend at the bottom of the cup (male) besides my husband, he never goes above the middle these days,, one in the middle, a dozen at the top of the cup, but most are the froth over the top of the cup. People you give a head nod and a smile to in the grocery store and who only stop you or you them to offer or get information. I do not live in a slow paced society. : (

    I am glad you found that space and hope it does not now become elusive.

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    1. Well Blue Bird it is I who must apologize now. As you know I have been tucked away in my bubble, so I haven't been around here too much.

      I am not surprised that you can relate to much of this, my sister from another Mother, who I have never seen! LOL. I was talking to a friend the other day about my Mom and the hugging thing. She basically said she felt it was a generational thing, and you know, she is probably right. I can't fault her for that, but I can relate to what you said. When our first was born, I almost had to train myself to go with my instincts and show my affection. How messed up is that?



      Your paragraph on emotional pain, I could have written most of it myself. With the exception of the actual release. I have been there so many times in the past and almost put too much pressure on the actual event in my heart to let go. Such complicated creatures we are! I know what you mean about the brat temptation factor. Not because I can't have a spanking whenever I want if I ask, but in the past ( life is vastly different now) the conviction to his role during a punishment is much different than during a reset. HOWEVER in my mind I don' think bratting would work because the authenticity of it all would be lost and my heart and mind would feel that.

      As for my friends, Blue Bird, I am proud of the relationships I have. I am slowly becoming more comfortable with all of the varying degrees in my life. Each one of them gives me something, and I hope in return to do the same. I know not everyone can be have the connection with me that those in the 2 and 4 cup levels do, and that is alright.

      I hope this space doesn't become elusive now either, but the greatest thing is I know I can find it if I lose it. Knowing it exists in me was something I questioned, I will no longer!

      love
      w

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  11. Wow, Willie, just wow! This was an amazing and intense post. You touched on so many issues that we all struggle with. I'm surprised how many responding are also introverts. Its shocking to see yourself in someone else's words, in their feelings, like somehow they have gotten inside your mind. Your quest to find yourself makes the journey easier for those of us who have the same experiences in life. I spent much of my life as a ghost. Present but invisible. I preferred it that way because then I knew I couldn't be judged, I could reveal myself to the ones who I trusted not just every person.

    Touching is a problem for me. I have things in my past that make it hard for me to experience the touch of a stranger. I do find myself hugging others so that the initial contact is mine. Somehow that makes it seem less invasive, more under my control. Yikes, that sounds strange even to me.

    Pain is also a problem for me. For me it is that I have a higher tolerance level than my husband is comfortable dealing with often. I withhold any sounds and attempt to remain stationery so that he doesn't stop too soon but in doing that I cut off my registration of the spanking and end up frustrated and without the release the spanking is supposed to deliver.

    Thanks for bringing clarity to many of us in your self-reflection. If it doesn't all fit, it gives us a direction to look to clear things up for ourselves. You have an amazing way of expressing yourself.

    Ladybrittany

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    1. HEY LB.

      I am so happy to see you here again!!

      Oh so many parts of your first paragraph I can relate to. Except I think I really didn't appear as a ghost to others, maybe a mirage. I was physically very much there and noticed, but not willing to show myself with conviction. Such a complicated thing to comprehend if you don't understand where I am coming from...LOL. Interesting enough a friend put on face book something about introverts not long after I posted this here. I commented on it and expected others to dismiss the fact that I am an introvert ( friends from my comfort circle so to them I thought they'd never see me that way). Surprisingly enough they agreed with what I said.. Not one single dismissal in the group. It proves something to me in my heart that I have begun to realize over the past couple of years in my head. I too think I know people, when I don't always know their inner workings. I have noticed the more I give of myself in comfortable environments, the more people give to me. Give me a piece of their core. There are actually more people 'like' me than I initially thought...Guess I'm not that 'special' after all *wink*

      OMG to the pain thing..YES. Barney and I went through this for so long. I rarely make a noise, but you know what, communication and time does help. How can you let go when you are in control. And yes by not letting out a sound or moving during because you don't want him to stop IS being in control. My girlfriend suggested a 'nonsafe word'. Basically saying to him if you are not done. When Barney read that he said, " I don't need a non safe word" and that was all I needed to trust him further in my mind. He does stop sometimes before I *think* I am ready. Sometimes he continues on, sometimes he doesn't, but now I trust and in a little while after, I feel the weight being lifted off of me regardless. I hope for you that day comes sooner rather than later. If not, I wrote a post a while ago ( http://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.ca/2013/08/i-refuse-to-say-iteven-if-he-is-right.html ) and my girlfriends have told me it helped their husbands understand more. Mind you I wrote this in August of 2013 so it may take a while ! lol.

      As always LB, thank you so much for your kind words. You have no idea how much they spur me on to continue to write. I appreciate them!

      willie

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  12. Hi Willie, argh, I'm sorry I am so late in getting to comment. Summer holiday time for me, which should mean more time to keep up with blogs, but it seems to have been the opposite. Sadly this is the last night before going back to work tomorrow:( I miss our chats, feels like it's been so long since we chatted.

    This is such an awesome post. So much self discovery and reflection on you and Barney as a couple. I admire you for delving deep in order to 'find' yourself and happy for you that you are finding inner peace.

    I love what you said about friendships. It's amazing and scary when someone really 'sees' you. I am an introvert and hate crowds too.

    We must chat soon!

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz!

      Chat? OMG it has been way too long. Of course I am not around as much anymore, and you have that darn tablet issue. We will have to set a 'date' with our emails and go from there. You crazy people south of the equator and all your funky time zones and summers in the winter! sigh

      Thanks for your kind words Roz. It is amazing how many women in ttwd consider themselves introverts, ( and how many are short, or have long curly hair or despise shoes ...or...or...or..LOL)

      lots of love
      willie

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