Monday, February 16, 2015

Fear.

 Something happened to me a couple of weeks ago.  Hmm, not sure if I can actually claim it happened TO me, perhaps something happened and it woke me up to ...me.  I can't actually claim this one event ( oh that conjures up images of a big top and pedant flags doesn't it?) changed everything but rather was an accumulation of all that has gone on before and my willingness to stay put as opposed to run, which is my usual M/O in these intense emotional situations.

First off let me say, I don't think I could ever live in a house without a bath tub, but as time goes on perhaps I should also no longer vacation in places that don't have one either!  The tub seems to be my sanctuary for tears.  Who knows, maybe I feel safe in there because it will hold a lot of them?




Anyway, I was upset by something.  The what really isn't important.  You see once again for me the loudest thing in my head was not what was affecting my heart.  Time and time again this happens so I am more aware of those situations now.  What did happen was this cripplingly feeling inside of me.  I just couldn't figure out WHY I had this gut wrenching feeling.  In the tub I sat, tears streaming down my face, yet no sounds escaping my lips.  In my head however, there were voices that wouldn't, well SHUT UP to be quite honest.  Words from others, echoing around over and over again.  To me it made no sense why they were all connected.  Like always there was a 'simple solution' I could come up with and connect the dots, and it was enough to placate me for a little while, but by the next morning, it didn't seem to fit again.

Insert a good sounding board, who really is so much more...but let's keep this light today.




Through hours of discussion I came to realize the gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, the one that returned in the morning, was fear.  As many of you who have been reading here since the beginning know, I am not new or adverse to examining what makes me tick, but this was something completely different yet again.  To have an emotional response take a physical form without a concrete breakdown was a first for me.  I am not going to lie, it threw me for a loop.

Perhaps I should back this up a bit.  Earlier in the week, my husband gave me a task.  During the day I was to spend an hour of reflection, with no distractions.  He mentioned this assignment during a reset.  In the morning he didn't mention it before work, nor did he call with further guidance.  I could have NOT done it as in my mind I thought he honestly forgot all about it, but that isn't what I signed up for.  So I wrote an hour in a journal Lillie gave me a year ago, almost to the day.  I was 'saving it' for something I just didn't know what!  Later in the night of my tub breakdown he came into our room to retrieve the journal, but as usual life got in the way and he had to abandon reading it.  He left it on our bed to go deal with 'the problem'.



 I was drawn back to the journal over and over again.  Abandoned. Yet I did not FEEL alone. Why did this lone journal on the bed draw out so many emotions in me?

Back to the sounding board and our conversation.  FEAR.  In my mind I was terrified because my feelings of dependency on my husband were growing too intensely.  My feelings for others were too.  I questioned my sanity.  I questioned how healthy this was becoming, but most of all I questioned why this made me so afraid.  Why I couldn't embrace what she described as being vulnerable.  Was this who I really was?  What if I am not who I thought I have been for all of this time?  What if I give myself, ALL of myself to him/ them and I become disappointed?  Will I be more guarded than ever if that happens?

Don't get me wrong here people, I have peeled back so many layers of myself over the past couple of years.  I have been in similar situations before, but this.  THIS intensity level I have never felt.

 To make a long story short my sounding board  said,

" Willie, Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling"



Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling








Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling






Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling



Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling






Go kick the shit out of the wall because the last of its crumbling





I cried.  Again.  When I read those words on my computer screen I cried.

I reread her words too many times to count.  They echoed in my head.  Eventually I printed them off and they  now sit on my bedside table.  I read those words with tears for 24 hours, until  the fear, I think diminished and relief washed over me.  Those were the tears I felt more comfortable with.  Tears of relief.  Perhaps I have 'done it' ?  Perhaps I have started to really open up.  My crippling fear could be that I don't have a fear...lol.  How is that for messed up?

What I did realize was I had to protect myself, but in a much different way this time.  Instead of protecting myself from hurt, I had to protect myself from negativity, from exterior 'noise' from all that could distract me from my little 'bubble'.  I had to strengthen my vulnerability.  I had to become comfortable in the new, perhaps thinner skin I was now wearing.  I had to find me in there without the outside world interfering.  I was afraid that anger, hurt, frustration for outside influences would seize my thoughts, and in turn my heart.





 Essentially I had to silence everything besides my inner voice.  She has had laryngitis for so long, I needed quiet to allow her to yell with just her tiny voice.  So I  went 'under'.  I limited my interactions, but this time not really out of fear.  This time out of strength.  I knew what I had to do, and that was breath oxygen into this fire.

I also knew I couldn't do it alone.  I stumbled upon something posted on face book.  ( hey I didn't go COMPLETELY under).  It was a recommendation for a 7 day online course.  I jokingly refer to it as Journey to the Centre of the Earth, as that is how I view my core, but it is actually called,


Daring You: A Seven Day Journey of Stepping Out of the Box and Into Your FREEDOM ( 

( this is the link to sign up)

Each day they send you a prompt to reflect on and journal about.  I will admit that sometimes things are 'right place, right time'  and this may not be the right time for everyone.  Some may find this extremely hokey.  For me it was the right time.  During this week of Journeying to the Centre of Willie I shed a lot of tears.  I can't claim they were all sadness.  They were just tears for whatever reason.  Release perhaps.  Some of the exercises when I first read them in my inbox I thought, " Meh this isn't me or won't take long"  but once I started to participate in it, boy did things flow out of me.  Realizations.  How I am my own worst enemy for one example. Which to a degree I always knew, but now I have a clearer vision of why.

Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many..... things I have thought about in the past but this time it was different again.  I have likened this to the first few months of self awareness when I first started travelling down ttwd road, but much more intense.  Much less guarded, and much more self aware.

I feel like I have traveled a lifetime in the span of two weeks.  It has revealed parts of me I wasn't even sure existed.  It has revealed that I was afraid that I didn't think these parts of me did exist.  Every day I wrote in my journal, and by day 3 Barney started to read my words.  Initially I didn't even think about sharing, so my words were raw and honest.  I think I have continued with success to stay true to that even though I now know I am sharing.  I have began writing again.  A lot.  To my husband, my sounding boards, FOR MYSELF.

I started digging with a backhoe 2 years ago, and then a teaspoon, now I am using a tiny paint brush to brush away the debris.



Sure there are things that will probably require a pick in the future, but right now, in this quadrant  the paintbrush it what I need.  And you know what? It feels so incredibly right.  Not easy, but right.

Barney has been so wonderful just accepting things as I go along.  He has found words to permeate my thin shell.  He told me last week how proud he was of the way I am am thriving in my quest to find me.  He told me " You are no longer defensive with your emotions. You are just letting them come out "  I believe this is giving him a strength and conviction he hasn't experienced before either.  Our resets have been ..well bizarre.  And quite frequent!  HOLY man this husband of mine is um, convicted.  He is not letting me retreat into myself in the slightest.  Each reset (Maybe in this case reset isn't the right word.  I'll have to think on another one that fits) has produced a new response in me.  Responses that I have had to once again discuss because I wasn't clear on what they could mean ( insert here: sounding boards are not always sweet nor should they be...."you dumb _____"  comes you mind..just sayin' ).  Along the way he has encouraged my vulnerable self, by stating his appreciation of my giving myself to him wholly, to literally and figuratively lay myself naked in front of him, to trust him.  Sure he has said many things similar in the past, but now I hear them in an entirely different manner.

I have figured out that I do have a trust issue.  Yes I have known this from the start, but the trust issue it turns out isn't with other people.  It is with me.  I hear their words.  I hear their praises, I always have....but I don't let them sink into my being.  I don't trust that I am all they say.  I don't trust that they see me....but they do.  They almost always have.  I project my core out on a daily basis, I just don't trust that I do.  I just don't trust that they see.


I read something last night that I want to share, because this sums me up pretty well. I am trying now to find another way to continue searching and feeling comfortable with my discoveries. so any suggestions will be great! In my quest for more exercises, I came across this, and I think for the next little while I will ponder over it...
.
The easiest way to explain Gift Theory is by starting with the image of a target. Every ring inward toward the center moves us closer to our most authentic self. In the center of the target, where the bull's-eye is, lie our core gifts.




Core gifts are not the same as talents or skills. In fact, until we understand them, they often feel like shameful weaknesses, or as parts of ourselves too vulnerable to expose. Yet they are where our soul lives. They are like the bone marrow of our psyche, generating a living stream of impulses toward intimacy and authentic self-expression. But gifts aren't hall-passes to happiness. They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive-or most naïve-around them. They challenge us and the people we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected.

Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by moving further out from the center. Each ring outward represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each makes us feel safer, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet, each ring outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our core gifts, we feel more and more isolated. When we get too far, we experience a terrible sense of emptiness.

So, most of us set up shop at a point where we are close enough to be warmed by our gifts, but far enough away that we do not get burned by their fire. We create safer versions of ourselves to enable us to get through our lives without having to face the existential risk of our core.

© 2011 Ken Page, LCSW. All Rights Reserved

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201109/how-our-insecurities-can-reveal-our-deepest-gifts


That night in the tub, and the following morning the intensity I felt?  I believe it was as close to my core as I have been in a very long time, if ever.  The core IS hard to handle if that was the case.  As my girl friend explained to me, we can't be greedy and expect to live in our bubble all the time.  Sometimes it will deflate but we do have the power within us to re inflate it.  I have taken a step back from that centre, but not too far back.  I have not gone so far as to feel the emptiness I once did.  I can still feel the warmth,  Yes there is a fear inside of me still at times, but I recognize it for what it is. It is a good thing.  It isn't a fear that warns me like most fears.  It is a fear that motivates me to try harder.  To push myself, to see that my fear isn't fear....it is actually acceptance.

16 comments:

  1. Hi Willie, I think having fear in a moment of growth is a very healthy way of reacting. I mean, you do change and are willing to deepen your commitment and you reach a completely new territory. I am not sure if I got this right, but for me it sounds a little like your reasoning has reached the place your heart has paved the way for so looooong ago. I know that sometimes I cannot explain what’s going on with me (invitation for a joke on my expense, I know :) ), because emotionally I have long settled in, but the understanding of that is too slow and comes bit by bit (cha-ching, another one).
    From your writings I always had this idea that you are strong-willed and could easily fall into the ‘I can do it alone’ trap (old profession: wall builder; level: expert). I think you have mentioned something along this line yourself, too, once or twice or … . So, if your heart has been in a comfy place saying that you can hand over more of your independence to Barney and rely stronger on him than ever, well the brain should be afraid, because it is against a lot of what past experiences have told you maybe. I am not talking about bad experiences with Barney here, because I do not know.
    Instead I guess these experiences might be older, like childhood/young adult times experiences and have given you safety then. They are part of your walls to protect your inner self from harm. And you have deep inside (behind the brains, turn right, to the heart :) ) learned to let go of these protections when it comes to Barney. In addition, you suddenly recognize this consciously. Who would not cry then?! This is about what you see now, it is about you and Barney and therefore a wonderful gift that you are currently creating for him. Ok, your shell is thinner than before now, so … that’s awesome. I think this is one of the most wonderful things that can happen in a relationship, opening up and showing who we really are. And different from former times you are able to write it down, for yourself and for Barney to read in, so he can learn from it, and obviously be impressed and love you more for what you are able to achieve for the both of you. Did I mention awesome?
    When Barney says you are no longer defensive emotionally and can allow them, wow, this is wonderful. Having this is amazing and creates so much good. And this is being emotionally naked for the one you are meant to trust completely, therefore Yay! for trusting Barney more than yourself ! :) According to the many resets you had lately, he is doing an extraordinary job. :) <-have you got arnica?

    I think I get the idea of the Gift Theory and it makes a lot of sense to me. It explains a lot of what we do. I know this being far away from the core from some real life people who think that they are the hub of the universe, but they are just living their own idolized version of self and many do not see that they have estranged themselves from their core completely. And I can only agree, it’s cold out there.
    I had to laugh about the part saying that we get in trouble because of our gifts. So true, and most embarrassing because this touches some point deep inside.
    I am glad that you could see so much clearer how you tick and what is going on with you deep inside. These moments can be too overwhelming, but I think they were something you could handle rather well and open up noticeably to Barney. And that you see so much clearer about your fears and have reached a stage of acceptance that allows you to use this for yourself, is wonderful. I think it is amazing that you identified these feelings and that you could give these emotional nuances a name. I for one struggle with identifying such things a lot and need an awful lot of time too. Besides, you gave me another wow-moment because you delved pretty deep down into yourself. That’s awesome and I am happy for you having been down there. :)
    hugs

    Nina

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    1. MAN! I had an almost equally long response to you typed out yesterday, and then closed this off before hitting enter. Sheesh you'd think I was the one with the newborn, not you!

      Okay here we go again....You know Nina, I have been pondering this thought for a long time, 'your heart has paved the way for so loooooooooong......emotionally I have settled in but the understanding of that is too slow" ( and no I am not going to tease you~ this time ;) ) I have often thought that my mind was there but my heart was not. I think really, that my heart was there, my mind wanted to be there, but told my heart it wasn't. However all of the tears that have sprung up out of seemingly nowhere might indicate that my heart was actually there, and my mind too afraid to let it happen. How is THAT for a ramble?

      Master builder? You know it! I have been a brick layer for so long, the Great Wall of China has nothing on me. Once again though, if I can toot my own horn, and why the heck not as this is my blog? I think it has been a long time since I have laid a brick. I am not saying I don't hide behind walls that still exist within me, but I don't think I am creating new ones. Even when my first instinct is to duck and cover, it isn't for long. I have probably said that in the past a hundred times too, if I have said it once, again, this feels different from the past.

      My emotions freely flowing....you have no clue ( or actually maybe you do) how difficult that has been for me. I have spent a lifetime stuffing down every single emotion, EVERYONE. The whys to that are coming a bit clearer, but I suppose that doesn't matter as much as long as I continue to thaw. Often I have been fearful because I know these still waters run very deep, and I ...well do you ever wonder, what if I can't stop? Illogical I know, but fear doesn't make sense!

      This really struck me ~ " Trusting Barney more than yourself". I think for the next little while I will let that settle in. Trusting not only Barney, but those closest to me as well. I am the epitome of 'you are your own worst enemy' in many ways, Maybe I should shut up and listen more often...and not to myself *wink*

      Thanks Nina for taking such time and thought into commenting. I know it can't be easy to find free time with your little Tilda vying for your attention.

      willie

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    2. Hi willie, I am sorry about your lost text, … but are you sure this is the short version? Just asking. :)
      I had thought about a longer reply but actually I got stuck on what you wrote in the last lines ‘I am the epitome of 'you are your own worst enemy' ‘ , because this is the story of my life, too! Well, and the ongoing conflict between the emotional flow and being rational; another story.:) But being your own worst enemy is what can ruin so much, therefore I only wanted to say I am glad you have Barney and friends you can trust and (this is the tricky bit) trust them (!), Barney in the first place, of course.
      I am not sure if this makes any sense, but I have been asked once what those who are close deserve to get from me. Something life-enriching, and actually what they wanted and what they deserved was enough trust in them to open up. The trust has been there all the time, but opening up (getting closer to the core) and being vulnerable can be scary (neat title, btw!) and takes time, I think.
      Showing ourselves to those we can trust is wonderful, just like being allowed to see somebody vulnerable is wonderful. So, sure, there will be walls, because we change, but these walls will be lower than before. Besides, I know you don’t want Barney to climb on a chair to look over one of your walls. But from what I have learned, these walls will become lower over time and it will become easier to keep them lower or let them disappear, too. For me talking about these things has become easier as well. And I found it awesome that when you open up, some others do the same, less walls, more warmth (but some cannot cope with such a change; those step back). According to the gift theory this is a warm and cozy place closer to the heat of the core then, isn’t it?

      Oh hey, actually Tilda helped in writing this … I read it all to her in the writing, because I had her right next to me while she was playing. But the typos are mine, I am afraid. :)

      hugs

      Nina

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  2. Wow Willie, this is an awesome post. Thank you for sharing this with us. You have been on such a journey of self discovery (yes,I know you ddon't like that word :) I admire you and the way you have dug deep to discover the inner you. These moments are hard and overwhelming ... everything you 'thought' you knew about yourself. That level of vulnerability is hard to reach and can be a real rollercoaster ride.

    I'm so happy you have reached a place of inner peace and a greater understanding of what makes you tick. Glad too that Barney is so supportive and that he won't let you distance.

    Love the new decor too btw :)

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

    I love what you said about fear of external factors and people bursting your bubble too.

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    1. Hello my little Kiwi! I have missed you!! You really do have to get your act together on weekends so we can coffee/tea together. You tell that Rick I said so!

      Roz, I find it RUDE that you would use that swear word on my blog. Just rude I tell ya! NO JOURNEY, you know the rules. Okay now to get over that disappointment and comment on the meat and potatoes of this. " Everything you 'thought' you knew about yourself"...hmm? I think I have actually always known many of these things, but as explained in the quote from Ken Page ( or what I took away from it anyway) I was/am fearful of getting to close to my core. He has another article that discusses his core and how he used to view it incorrectly as a weakness. Coincidentally, his example was what I think mine actually is. Anyway, you are right about the vulnerability aspect of this. You know I think in pictures, God love you, you've read every silly analogy I have ever written, I still see myself as that hermit crab leaving my shell, and being exposed to the elements. Of course this is a somewhat crappy analogy, as the crab moves to a bigger shell eventually! LOL.

      Inner peace? Whoa lady....let us not get crazy here. It has been far longer since we have chatted then I thought! I am not sure if I will ever be the inner peace woman, but I do think I am finding a great relief in possibly understanding myself, I will give you that *wink*. With the external factors thing, this was a huge switch for me. For the first couple of years of ttwd, I would stay 'here' because I thought I needed to 'stay in the game' to keep my 'heart in the game', and maybe for those 2 years I was correct. Now however, I need to open the windows so to speak, and blow the dust off to reveal what might lie beneath.

      Love Willie

      Oh thanks about the blog. I loves me some daisies, especially in the @#%* coldest Feb on record here. I have changed so I think it is only right that the seasons reflect that, don't you? Stupid Mother Nature!!

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  3. I think I'll first say that you are innately more valuable as a woman, a friend, a mom, a wife than I have ever seen you realize...until I read this post. If I had a dime for every time I've wanted wanted to hollar "BARNEY" in hopes that he could "talk" some sense into you...lol. Impudent little wiaf. I grinned my way through this b/c your whole tone has changed--the clarity of what you are seeing inside. Makes me happy to see the tears of, well...acceptance and comfort in the vulnerability. You are ALL of what others see in you.

    Quest/adventure/journey...whatever. You and Barney are hitting the heart of what ttwd can do (and don't you dare diminish the courage it has taken to trust him while you were finding you). You know I've always been a fan of your husband, but I'm even more so now. He's exactly right for you. Good grief, the man needs gumption. :)

    Trust, fear, acceptance, dependency, seeing through anxiety to what is really going on...you know my own struggles, so I won't dissect it. I just know it's getting better, easier, it's real and it's alright.





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    1. Sooooooooooo I now realize I am valuable? Cool. I am not sure I agree, but you know as I said to Nina, I'm going to start trusting others around me ( even crazy women such as yourself). Hmm. Perhaps I should be more choosy in the future? But for now, I'll just go with it). And what do you mean if you had a dollar for every time you WANTED to holler ? You do it sometimes on a daily basis. I swear it is your go-to. And besides, those who live in glass houses and all that crap....

      Quest/adventure...NO JOURNEY...wth? Am I going to have to post the rules of appropriate conduct again on this blog? I'll do it! You know, you are really quite bossy when your husband travels or in the deep, dark, depths of your American winter...(" don't you dare " ...sheesh~ gentle my @**) Fan of my husband huh? Well you might have to talk to Lillie as she is the Pres. of the Barney Fan Club, I'm sure she'd hand over the administrative junk to you now. Although I am still a little confused after knowing you for so long, and meeting on several occasions why you are still under this delusion that my husband would require gumption. He is married to a complete angel. Perhaps this is envy on your part? Don't worry Susie, some day you might reach my angelic status, and the green will fade *wink*

      Seriously though Susie, thanks for being a member of the Willie Fan Club. It helps to be able to talk out this stuff at times with someone in the know, even if I am not sure what the 'know ' actually is

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  4. FEAR! It's that annoying little voice inside your head that keeps screaming "What if". What if it doesn't work? What if I get hurt?
    How do I go back? What if it isn't what I expect? What if its more than I can cope with? What if it's more than he can cope with?
    It takes an almost unattainable amount of courage to shut that little voice up so that you can listen to your heart and find your true inner voice. I'm so happy that you are discovering, that inside all of those bath tub tears is the courage to kick the shit out of that wall. Fear is just the cement that keeps the bricks in place, but its porous and if you kick hard enough it WILL crumble.
    Finding your true inner voice will silence all the white noise and make it easier for you to ignore all the little voices created by others. Barney will be there to catch you and on those rare but inevitable occasions when you slip through his fingers, your new found courage and strength will be there to keep you upright. Which is probably just as well, because Barney is keeping your arse sore enough without you landing on it. �� Friendships (sounding boards) are important and invaluable (some much more so than others, but we will keep it light today) But the reality is that nothing is more important than you being able to find the freedom to just be you and embrace the choices and desires that complete you. I hope the sun shines tomorrow so that you can wash and dry your duvet ��

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    1. Well hello "Sarah". Welcome :)

      "Fear is the cement that keeps those bricks in place", another sound bite from a sounding board. I like the visual you create. Will I be able to toss those words back at you some day? Because I may just do that you know?

      As for the others stuff? I still think you have far more trust in my ability to be courageous than I do, but like with Susie, for the moment I'll run with your thoughts on the matter. I'll listen to your cheering/JEERING me on as only you can. FOR NOW *wink*.

      So WHAT exactly are you saying with this little number?~ "Friendships are important and invaluable.....BUT the reality is nothing is more important than...." Hrmph. I'm not sure I like where this is going. In the interest today of NOT keeping it light, without my sounding board, soul sister, fellow batshite-crazy-shrimpo of a friend, I am not entirely sure I would have have been able to shut out the external voices to hear the internal ones. At least not so quickly. Every step along this *glorious* adventure hasn't been alone. True in the end I am the one to take that step, but if it wasn't for someone saying, JUST DO IT...you aren't special, we've all been there before ( see that is what my sounding board sounds like to me *wink*) I'm not sure I'd muster enough courage to do it. But fortunately I'll never know what it is like to go it alone. RIGHT???? What I am really trying to say is, with the right people/right time in one's life it becomes easier to feel comfortable in ones own skin ( at least for a few minutes) and THAT makes it easier to silence the not so helpful voices. It is easier to take on the world when you allow yourself to see that you have at least one person in your corner who understands.

      And now for a few housekeeping items....*ahem* this is MY blog...so the word is ASS not arse..or bum if you'd like. and WHAT THE FLIP is this garbage about my duvet cover woman? OR for that matter sun. I thought I explained to you already, if the sun is shining in Feb here, it is bloody cold out. There will be no sheets on the line, ALTHOUGH frozen sheets have wonderful possibilities, perhaps I should look into this further!

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  5. I love when the raw you comes out to play. She is the friend I chose so long ago, along with all her alter egos who spent so much time and effort stuffing Free Willie down a hole and building a thicker, taller wall to keep her stuffed every time she climbed to the top or found a weakness in the bricks.

    I love you any old way. I'm one if the ones weighing leads from that bullseye and wears her heart and thoughts on her sleeve, and shares and shows that off too soon. That makes people uncomfortable and they often withdraw. It can make people punch at it, seeing vulnerability - or the freedom to show vulnerability - as a weakness, or as challenge or threat, especially if they are seeing it from a fearfully protective place.

    I've always seen you as a wonderful person. I use your wall metaphor because you do, but I see it more as a shell you peck at. That's just my mental imagery, little chica! It makes me smile to see you that way. ;-)

    Anyway, whatever you are discovering, learning, acknowledging and benefiting from is awesome. Whatever is good for you, is A-Okay with me. Hugs for the heartache and tears that often precede you reaching yourself and letting her fly. I never know whether to offer hugs or cheers or something else for those resets that need a new name, but you know I'm offering whatever response works for you.

    Gotta run! Big, big hugs, sweetie!

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    1. Sheesh. I should proof before posting:

      I'm one OF the ones WHO leads from that bullseye...

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    2. I saw your name pop up in my gmail and I grinned hugely! I have missed reading your comments my friend, ( and not just because this one is so fantastically, wonderful..lol). I was just talking about you yesterday ( all good stuff of course) to Susie. Were your ears burning? Okay enough with that...on to your comment

      Let me just start by telling you 'Raw' me has an entirely different meaning lately in this house ;). As for the walls, if I were to further examine my life I'd say that once upon a time I did show the core to the world ( a LONG time ago) and many of my experiences sound similar to yours. I think for me however at the time there was an immaturity to both myself and those around me to recognize what was laid out there. As time has gone on I have attempted several times to get closer to the core, but often a step closer to the centre was met with something that had me stop or worse retreat. With conviction, I don't want that any more. I will look at the blockage, and analyze it, perhaps for a very long time, but I refuse to give it more credence than it deserves like I did in the past. Hopefully some day, with slower, steadier footwork, I will adjust to the increase in temperatures and feel more comfortable there.

      Awww, you see me as a little bird, pecking away at a shell? Can I at least have feathers, not one of those wrinkly old man looking birds?

      As for the cheers or hugs? I'm not sure either. They aren't pleasant when happening these wall busters ( how is that better than reset?) but oh so very useful. I have long given up on the whys to that one! I do appreciate you constant cheers and kind words Irishey, and I've really missed you 'here' too!

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  6. I am so happy and proud of you! I understand everything you wrote here...it did take me a couple cups of coffee to get through it :) The vulnerability is something I'm still struggling with, it's so freaking hard for me. It's hard not to be protective and defensive of your emotions. I love that I can come here, and while I know this is YOUR journey and YOUR thoughts, I feel like your writing always helps me. I love you for that :) Is it wrong that when I read the Gift theory, I felt absolutely terrified.That is quite the strength and vulnerability you are showing by embracing your true self. I love that you got close enough to that bullseye, you're an amazing women!

    Hugs!!

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    1. Hey Jennelle!

      Trust me vulnerability is something I still struggle with immensely. In truth I am not sure I will ever be able to embrace it for any real length of time without struggling. HOWEVER up until recently I wasn't sure I could embrace it at all, so this is a huge step.

      You know what is 'funny' about being protective and defensive of our emotions? It actually produces the opposite affect of what we are trying to achieve. We know it , yet we continue to do it ( like reaching for that cookie, instant gratification but in the long run....LOL). Don't get me wrong there is a time and a place for cookies, just as there is for protecting ourselves, the difficulty is not allowing this to be a gut reaction, but rather a well chosen one. I am NOT great about it that is for sure. I am learning to stop, and literally talk to myself, " Okay Willie you know this is not productive...( ignores the shut up willie, he's a jerk, voice)" take a deep breath, close my eyes, whatever, and do the scary thing. As you read in my last post, my 'sounding board's" advice really did help. The moving of the rock, every time I did something I felt was submissive. NO I actually haven't moved any more rocks, but it is my pep talk to myself every time I feel myself closing up. " Move the rock"...think of it as removing a pebble from your defensive wall, if that helps.

      Jennelle, I appreciate so much that you said, my writing helps you. Not in an egotistical way mind you. As you know with blogging you put a piece of yourself out there, that alone is scary. So when someone says your words have a positive effect on them, it helps take a tiny bit of the insecurity of having yourself laid out on the table away....a tiny bit! lol

      I think that reading the Gift Theory would terrify many people. Myself included at a different point in this adventure. As much as we all hate to hear it, everything in its own time and place. I certainly have not 'arrived'! but with each revelation I feel I am finally picking up a bit of 'speed' after so long of staying stagnant. ( at least this week....next week who the heck knows? lol).

      You are kind Jennelle, but amazing? hardly. Just a person who desires to have this weight lifted off of her, the armour removed from around her heart, so her husband can have the wife he deserves. I had no idea how much reflection on myself this was going to take when we started ttwd. Wouldn't it be nice if all it took was a little slap and tickle? Pity some of us don't work that way. LOL

      I can't wait to read more about your discoveries in the future Jennelle, because I feel like I am reading someone who understands the depths it takes and fears we encounter along the way with ttwd.

      Hugs back atcha!
      willie

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  7. I think you are brave, strong and courageous. It takes a lot to soul search and even more to write it down for others. I'm glad your faced your fears. I too have done a lot of searching (usually after punishment) to find why I do what I do. It's scary to look that in the eye and tell it that it cannot defeat you anymore. Your road to discovery is not over yet. There will be several more layers to peel back and examine but you are strong enough to face it. Can't wait to see what else you find along the way because I feel like I find a part of me right along with you. Stay GOLD!!!

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    1. Brave, Strong, and Courageous? Pfft. I don't know about all of that, but is sure does make me sound really *COOL*.

      So much soul searching to be had with ttwd. Naturally of course MINE doesn't come after a punishment very often as I am an angel. I did notice that word was suspiciously absent from your list of adjectives describing me by the way.

      I hope as we both continue along this crazy adventure, we find a bit more of ourselves and are willing to embrace it with less difficulty each time!

      Thanks Dally
      love Pony Boy ;)

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