Wednesday, March 4, 2015

F ~ You Kamp Kumbaya!!

Well THAT was fun while it lasted!  That is correct, self reflection, holding hands, chanting Kumbaya, all flew out the window last week.  What? you didn't honestly think that I was going to live in a state of perpetual bliss from here on out did you?

Anyone who honestly lives ttwd for any length of time will tell you, as much as you want to believe Tinkerbell will be farting glitter in your life eternally it doesn't happen that way.  Just like life before ttwd you have bad days.  Horrible days at times.  Days that looking back are so absolutely ridiculous you think what on EARTH was I thinking?  Oh wait...I wasn't!

I had one of those days last week.  A friend suggested it was the full moon.  I like that suggestion just as much as any other, because I know 4 other women who basically lost their minds ( or you know blamed their husband...*cough* you know who you are!) last week too.  Some who are still struggling to get back to 'Glitter Days'.  I also would like to claim the that my hormones may or may not have played a huge part in the events that follow.

A couple of days before 'the incident'  Barney had given me what we will refer to as a " Wall Buster"  spanking.  Unfortunately I ended up quite blistered.  I suppose the wall was bigger than we both thought.  Put down the pitch forks, these things happen, for me more so than others apparently.    Anyway,  in part maybe this had something to do with me being 'off'.  The blisters were huge this time, dividing one cheek in half.  I wasn't upset so much about that, as again I know it happens, he doesn't set out to do that.  I was upset, looking back, damn you hindsight!, that he didn't ask or check on me the day following.  The day following he slept most of the day.  I should be kind here and say that he normally doesn't do that.  I should also mention that he spent an hour and a half picking up and dropping kids off at various schools because of early morning practices and ridiculously cold weather.  HOWEVER that afternoon I really didn't care.

The week prior we has such a good week in many ways.  He was continuing his stride, and somethings were physically wonderful, others not so much, but he was present in all forms.  The weekend came and kids, work, life happened.  "We"  and more importantly "ME" ( snort) became pushed aside.  I know right?  How totally unreasonable!  The 'incident' day then became a bit of a shocker.  We were alone again, and he slept?  RUDE.  

As he was getting ready for work, he looked me in the eye and said, " What is the matter with you? "

" Well I just feel like today was a total waste of a day"

" I don't know about YOU but I have at least another 12 good hours left in it " ( pfft exaggeration time?  He had 10 at best!)

" Really? because where I stand I have all of.....ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh 2 minutes left with my HUSBAND today" ( fyi, italics = extreme sarcasm tone)

At this point he had his back turned to me about 10 feet away.  I was getting changed and was holding a cotton/gauze skirt in my hand.  He said something, for the life of me now I can't remember his exact words, but they were dismissive...I KNOW IT!   I took my skirt and whipped it at him.  Oh yes, you read that correctly.  I would just like to point out here, that gauze is NOT the best material to 'whip' at lightening speed toward someone 10 feet away.  Perhaps 10 inches?

 Yes, it kind of was as effective as THIS

Responding out of frustration of my failed skirt 'attack' and the fact I felt dismissed, which boy oh boy not something I 'enjoy' ( who does?)  I dropped the f-bomb ( kumbaya THAT) stormed out of the room, and slammed the bathroom door!  Oh yes, complete with second hand above the handle to make sure it really slammed~  stupid new lightweight doors.  For good measure I locked it!  Take that, only a 5 year old with a penny can unlock my fortress of solitude!

From the other side of the door I heard, through clenched teeth no doubt, Barney " Get out here right now"

No movement from Willie who sat on the edge of the tub.

Apparently an angry husband does not even require a penny to 'unlock' his wife's fortress of solitude. Anger just has a way of busting opening a door like magic.  Barney strode into my fortress.  " I said get back in our bedroom right now"  Still no movement from Wilma.

Face in my hands, clearly NOTHING in my brain, I said, " I have an assignment for YOU.  When you are at work tonight I want YOU TO REFLECT on how you would feel if I was so dismissive to YOU like you just were to me? "

He stood there for a moment and then left.  Blah, blah, blah the next day didn't get any better for me.  I was pissed/hurt.  He was withdrawn.  My friends were so incredibly helpful.  Maryanne suggested I purchase a 'whipping' skirt for next time.  I found one !

Not sure if this will produce the correct type of whipping 

Another friend was kind enough to share with her husband who apparently laughed at my 'plight' . ~ Finding it funny that I was so upset and threw a fit of epic proportions because I didn't spend time with Barney.  This visual is for you Jerk  *wink*

Anyway after a day or so, it was suggested I 'journal' to Barney and leave it on his pillow.  I did.  Another day past and so many 'failed' attempts at talking.  Barney would get busy with something, or he'd fall asleep on the couch even though he set his alarm to rise with me to talk about this.  So frustrating.  Living in this state was NO FUN, however, I must add that at no point was I worried about not living ttwd anymore, we were just two seemingly angry people.  Okay *I* was one angry person.  

Thursday night he finally came to talk to me.  YES...he to me, I am not THAT good that I can always turn to him .  I mean, *I* had written in the journal right?  His move.  In my journal I had offered up several 'reasons' why I might have blown up on the Monday.  I made it clear that I said reasons not excuses.  I also went on to explain how conflicted I would be about being punished for this.  NOT because I didn't derserve it, I know I did, but because I was mentioning it the journal.  I didn't want to him to think or me to feel like I was manipulating this situation to be punished ( yeah I know who would want that?).  In addition I explained that NO I didn't WANT to be punished, but I might feel resentful if I wasn't.  Why you ask?  Because in the past when push came to shove and it was a heated moment, Barney has not relied on ttwd.  Basically, the times when we really NEED it~  not when I am absent minded standing on a chair instead of the step stool.  Those times he has no issue.

He went over my journal.  He discussed my reasons, ( oh the full moon wasn't in there by the way).  He totally glossed over, as in didn't even discuss, my feelings and concerns about being punished over this, and went on to discuss the hormone factor.  He stated that sometimes I need space.  At that point I armoured up.

How many times in the past 2 plus years have we talked about me NOT needing space when I felt the way I did that day?  I was beyond crushed.  I felt like it was all for naught .  ( I know drama much?).  I left the bedroom.  Behind me were 'commands' of " Where are you going, come back here".  

" I'm taking some SPACE'

 Down in our kitchen I was moping around realizing that this was going to get me nowhere.  I marched back upstairs, violently brushed my teeth, grabbed my emery board and flopped back into bed, filing my nails like  I was a human belt sander trying to resurface a piece of furniture with decades of paint on it.  Frustrated with silence, I tossed the emery board aside, and huffed as I laid down for 'bed'.  Moments later I picked up my journal and started erasing my entry ( oh yes I was a real peach that night).  

"What are you doing? "

" This was a stupid idea.  I knew I shouldn't have written this, and like you asked I only did it because ***** said I should.  I KNEW it was useless to do so"

" Communication is never useless"

" It is when you only cherry pick what you want to talk about.  I am erasing this because quite frankly I don't want to remember it.  Ah forget it!  It is taking to long I'll just cut the pages out tomorrow"

Somehow we managed to talk about me 'needing space'.  He clarified that he meant HE needed space ( for the record here, even several days later that is NOT what he originally said).  He went on to say that he was so pissed that day, and even the few days later when he kept putting off talking, that he didn't want to DO or say anything in anger.    With that he left and I went to bed.  HRMPH!

The next day I had to take him to work.  Minutes before we arrived at our destination, he said,

" I sense you are distancing from me.  I will not have it.  Monday I will deal with this, if not sooner"  So basically we were sweeping the week under the carpet and now we are going to go with distancing?  Meh.  Fine.  WHATEVER.  

He got out of the vehicle.  I waited to see which side front or back he was going to come around.  I went the other way.  He waited.  " Where is my kiss ? "  nothing.  " Oh boy you are some pissed aren't you?" sigh...chuckle and shook his head.  

Things were a bit calmer in my by the time I picked him up after work.  Let's face it anger is difficult to hold on to, especially if you are separated.  It was still boiling under the surface, ready to pop out if given 'just' cause ( yeah right JUST).  We ended up having an okay evening and most of the next day too.  I honestly can't tell you why I wouldn't let this go.  Again, I knew things would eventually get back on track.  Again I actually didn't WANT to be punished, although I can hear your screams of disagreement on that one from here.  I just couldn't let it go.  All of it.  Unfortunately my mind was a blank slate as to WHY this was.

Friday or maybe Thursday, I am not entirely sure of the timeline I had sent Barney a post I read.  I was actually kind enough to highlight some text for him~  I'm great that way! By Saturday night he had read it.
 "Tomorrow morning before the kids get up, we will deal with this"  Uh huh.  I ended up sleeping half the night on the couch, not out of defiance, but because I woke up next to an air compressor again....inhale....Pfhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufffffffffffff, inhale,  Pfhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuufffffffffffff repeat.

At 6 amsomething, he woke me up.  " Get in the back room ( furnace/storage room).  Feet on the matt, bend over the freezer"  

" Good morning to you too"

Wild frizzy hair,  over,sized flannel shirt wearing, and half asleep, I meandered into the back room and did what I was told.   

After a few whacks with the cane to my thighs, ever mindful of my bum, the new growth skin and blisters, (because he is sweet like that)  he began to speak

" This is for disobeying me the other day"....This next 'pleasant' Willie moment brought to you by the clearly insane~

" What?  So all the crap that happen leading up to this is gone then? "

" Stop trying to control this!"

" I am NOT trying to control.  I am seeking clarification here.  Clarification is not control it is COMMUNICATION!"

" I was going to get to that.  I could list a hundred things for which this spanking is based"


I could go on, but basically there was a WHOLE lot of whacking to the thighs, me lifting my feet up

" Keep your feet DOWN!"


" It isn't supposed to be easy!"

....a few standing ups...

" Get back into position"

Good times, good times.....NOT.

" Look I don't think this is supposed to go on for 35-40 minutes here.  Are you still angry?"

" I just need a moment" ( said through gritted teeth)

.........and so he started again..... ( internally I started to cry...'I just need a moment....please I just need a moment)

He stopped again, and I said, " I am angry but NOT at you...please I just need a moment" .  Finally he stopped ( why did the kids pick THAT day to sleep in?  sigh)

" Go upstairs and get back into OUR bed"  I did and fell deeply asleep for 3 hours.  Sleep was probably the only time in the past week I have been somewhat comfortable!  Currently I am still hovering to pee ( you're welcome).  Did I feel better?  A bit.

The next day the boys were off to school and I was bent over again.  Seriously who is this man?  He made it clear that it wasn't a punishment but we still had a long way to go before leaving the previous week behind.  Ohhhhhhhhhh wonderful ( but true).  

Things are much better now.  So why share this?  Well because I guess I wanted people to know that despite having resided in Kamp Kumbaya for a bit, we still struggle ~ I still struggle.  My struggles seem to change as time goes on, and yet sometimes they appear so much the same as they did 2 years ago.  Things are always slightly different if I take the emotions out of the situation and rationally examine it.  Things are always different because WE are different.  Case in point, Barney saying he was too angry for a few days to deal with the situation.  I could say~ well he was holding out on communication, which is true, he could have told me he was too angry to talk/deal, but I am the last one who should be pointing fingers here.  Anyway in the past he would have not talked or brought up the situation BECAUSE he wanted it to disappear.  Huge difference, even though to the naked eye the situation looked the same at the time.  

( oh and please DO share with your 'HOH' to show them YOU are not the only unreasonable submissive out there...yes YOU.  I know I"m not the only one!  lol)