Tuesday, April 14, 2015

When Maybe All You Thought- Wasn't *reposted

* I had removed this post to drafts.  Not entirely sure why now at the moment.  Probably an insecurity issue...anyway here is it back again***


 I have a friend ( don't try to guess- trust me you don't know her, she doesn't have a blog) who after several decades of being married brought Dd to her husband.  He took to it like a duck to water.



  After a few years of ttwd, they jointly decided to stop.  Her business took off, and they decided that the emotional ups and downs that often occur during ttwd would be too difficult to maneuver with the demands placed on her from the outside world.

When we talked about this, she was very at peace.  She had listed all of the things they had gained from ttwd,how much their marriage had flourished because of it.  She reiterated how they found each other again, perhaps better than before.  More importantly she found herself again.  Not only did she find the drive in her to continue several passions of her's, but for all the right reasons now, not as a means of escape.


My friend is not alone.  I have a few others that have stopped Dd but on a good note.  It was almost as if they needed it for a time being and now it no longer seems to be needed.  It was a tool in their lives to help their marriage and it appears for THEM it is no longer warranted.  Of these friends all have said if need be they will return to Dd, but for them, for now they are completely happy with where they are.  None of them experienced a 'we give up' time that ended ttwd.  It was just a natural progression and discussion to leave it behind and open a new chapter.

Why am I mentioning this?  Because I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  What would happen if Barney and I left ttwd behind? It has been non-existent because of injury I have for some time now.  Oh I see glimmers of  it in him on a daily basis, although those are becoming fewer too.  I am not seeing much of it in me anymore.


Once I feel better, things will return to normal- or so I have been told over and over again.  Life is not normal yet, but my health is returning. The 'pain' is more of an annoyance now than anything.  No we couldn't return to the physical component of ttwd yet, for fear of set backs, but the pain has subsided greatly.  The rest of life? It is weighing heavily on us too.  Mostly we are experiencing First World Problems, so nothing REALLY to complain about.  These problems are bringing in distractions and somehow a wedge between us.  I suppose Barney and I have not reached a point in our relationship where we no longer need ttwd as a tool if these things around us are still able to keep us parallel as opposed to bring us together.

I have been thinking more and more about the question often posed around, " Would your marriage survive without ttwd?"  I don't know anymore.  Once upon a time I would have said yes...and no.  Yes if we didn't have it, but no if one of us withdrew it, the one being Barney I suppose.  Now I am not sure.  We are best friends, there is no worry there, but if a wedge can exist after 6 weeks how can I clearly say yes our marriage would be fine without it?


I know in many ways I put the wedge there.  As I have often said in the past, I am not a good multi-emotionalizer ( zip it ...it is a word now).  Don't misunderstand I generally like to think of myself as a optimistic person.  I try not to add crap on top of crap.  Silver lining and all that jazz.  I just sometimes feel precariously perched on my optimism.  Like I am the only one holding on, and by a thread at best.




After my last serious post, my friend suggested I write a list of all the things I do 'submissively' for Barney and then the ones I can do without pain.  I was then to come up with 3 new things to try.  I sat down one day and made my list.  Blankly I stared at it.  Quite frankly it was lame.  Part of it was what I would normally do on any given healthy day, what most housewives do, the other part, still lame.  I didn't do the second part of her exercise.  At this point I thought it worthless.  In theory her 'assignment' was a great idea.  Too bad the 'student' didn't have the drive or forethought to continue.


My mind is anywhere but being submissive.  No I am not being disrespectful.  I am worse.  I am independent.  I don't mean independent as in, I am woman here me roar!.  I mean independent as in alone.  Going through the motions should I chose too, but not really giving much thought either way.  Flopping into bed at night, alone with my thoughts...and not really having many of those either.  For the first time in 3 years I haven't been thinking about bettering our marriage, or myself.  I haven't been thinking at all.  Am I a shell?  No.  Am I indifferent?  I don't think so.  I just am.  Detatched.  Worst of all, I would say I have created this situation myself.



It is odd really when I think of it,those first two years scratching and clawing, holding onto Ttwd as the NEED to better our marriage, by freeing me.  Now here I sit wondering if it is going to return, and if it isn't, it is really because of me.  The thought isn't 'he can't do this' like in the past.  The thought isn't even " can I do this".  I suppose the thought is WILL I do this?

I know our lives, our relationship, my relationship with others is better, happier , healthier when we are (what?) 'practicing? " "living?" ttwd.  Yet the woman from February, the woman who was on the verge of being completely free and so very open with her husband, seems like a stranger to me.  Not even a distant memory.  Someone who showed up in some drug-induced dream, rather than my reality.

For the first time I can't FEEL what it was like when ttwd was active in our lives.  Ironic really, because for the first 2 years in this life, I clung to smaller nuggets to get me through.  Here it has been all of 6 weeks, and I have let myself forget.

I am not looking for answers.  I really am not sure there are any.  If I were to read this post on someone else's blog I would say, " take a leap of faith", " act like you are living it until you feel it again".  The reality is so much different however, when your are not living it, though isn't it?


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Reasons NOT to Be-friend Blondie

Yes you read that right.  Lovely Blondie over at Blondie's blog.




 One may assume that I wouldn't want you to befriend her because she and Ty own a paddle shop, and Barney owns 3, THREE, TROIS, TRES, paddles from there, but seeing how I am such an


ANGEL



they merely are dust collectors at our house.  I am contemplating using one as a cheese board now.


  No, the real reason you shouldn't befriend the Blonde Bombshell....she hands out HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS !



Okay fine..... but only because you are super sweet woman~ don't push your luck !

She nominated me for some Blogger Thingie...









Here are the questions she made up

1. How many blog friends have you texted, spoken to on the phone, and/or met in person?

Oh gosh, well you know I am just so darn popular....snort.


Actually over the years I have talked to a lot of women on the phone, and even more via text. Ttwd has brought us together but rarely do we talk about that now. We have also vacationed with 2 other couples...and blogged about that. I have had an extended girl's weekend and blogged about that too. Oops wait no Lillie highjacked my blog for that. LOL.



I have treasured all the interactions I have had with the women and men I have met in blogland.  Even the ones who are no longer with me.  I have been very fortunate to have made my best friends because of online communication.





2. Three bloggers that have relationships most similar to your own



SIMILAR? Oh I haven't a clue. Um...maybe Blondie and Ty in some ways, Maybe Susie and MM in some. Maryanne and The Professor in many ways too. But you know, we all have our own unique spin on things, and we are FOREVER changing at our house so it is difficult to even know what ours looks like , let alone what it looks like in comparison to others.



3. How often do your blog - write posts and/or read posts

I don't do it as often anymore. All those women I talk to? LOL they get to hear all the crud that happens when/if it does around here now. Okay not ALL of them, a few of them....Ya know the REALLY lucky ones.....OH shut up! Just go with it. You are Blessed and you know it!







Do I read many blogs now? No. I read my friends and those who comment here. I am not a 'tit for tat' type of person, but ( NEGATIVE ALERT TIME) I have honestly felt that blog writing and how/what people write about no longer needs my input. Okay it probably never did! LOL

4, Do you have more than one blog

I do have more than one blog. I have Willie's World that announces when I post here, and I have Ramblings of a Crazy Woman...that is only for Barney's Eyes...and um, copied and pasted for the 'lucky one' ( see above).

5. What would make you stop blogging?

Well the stopping of ttwd for sure, but mostly the lack of needing to process.








 I think I would always write in one way shape or form, but I am not sure I would always share. I have had many negative experiences, ( when I was a public blogger) not from trolls but from people I knew, this was my soul decision to go private. I have never regretted that decision! Since going private the comments left are similar to when I first started blogging over 2 years ago. And I thank you all for your thought provoking, and LENGTHY comments!






6. Are there any anonymous commenters that you liked so much that you wish they would blog

I have um..'forced' several anonymouses into blogging. LOL.  



7. Does your spouse read your blog and/or participate with your blog?

My husband reads my blog all the time. It isn't a requirement from him before I post. We use it as a communication tool. He also reads all of your comments too!


I think this is the part where I am supposed to nominate other friends to partake on their blogs and make up questions too.  Meh.

I'll just leave you guys some questions if you want to answer them great...if not...well..


Questions

1. If you could turn your ( insert name/title/rank) into anything for an hour and not get caught, what would it be?



2.  What ONE word best describes your ( insert name/title/rank)?

3.  What smell do you detest more than anything in the world?



4.  If you could do ONE thing and not get caught ( and leave the guilt behind) what would it be?


( don't you just hate when someone copies your image and posts it on the internet?)


5.  What implement, real or fictional would YOU like to try out on someone?  And who would that someone be?



6.  Favourite Muppet.

7.  Desert Island Cd ? ( or you know ipod album...or 8 track depending on who you are).

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I Miss My Life

(Disclaimer:  I know there are worse things in life.  My life will return.  It is already 70% better than it was.  I am healthy, just in pain.  It is only a pinched nerve, in my lower back, or so they say.)


March has been a heck of a month.  I could get all doom and gloom, but in the grand scheme of things I know life could be way worse.  Between the incessant JOY that perimenopause brings and the excruciating pain from a pinched nerve, I haven't exactly been myself.  And well, I miss myself.

I miss my life.  You know if this had happened last year, I would have probably obsessed with the fact that ttwd may not return when my life did.  The thought hasn't crossed my mind that much.  It has crossed my mind, but I haven't fretted it.  Perhaps because the physical aspect of ttwd isn't something I can even fathom at the moment.  Perhaps it is out of site out of mind?  I don't miss that.  I really don't.  Don't misunderstand, I am not DONE with ttwd, I am just not in a place to think about it.

What do I miss?  I miss the D/s part of our relationship.  I miss submitting to my husband.  There are very few opportunities to do so at the moment.  I can start things, but rarely can I finish them on my own.  Rarely does it not come with a price.  Doing these things, make me feel good, but more as an accomplishment by the end, and not as a submissive.  Basically my life at the moment has become about ME....and I hate it.



At the start of last week, I couldn't even put make up on or dry my bangs.  I would climb into the tub on all fours to wash my hair, ( showered once this week...big bonus!) after my bath.  By the time I was out, putting anti-frizz in my hair was all I could manage.  Turns out laying down  after, or not doing much else gives you this look


Not too shabby if you are the lead guitarist in an 80s Rock Band....housewife, not so much.  By day 4 of this, I had decided I  had tried to do something.  We have a full length mirror on the wall, so I plugged in my straightener ( God no I wasn't going for the whole head, only the bangs!) and set my jaw to do this.  Let me tell you styling your hair, let's go with styling shall we? on all fours only looking up periodically does not a successful trip to the beauty salon make!  Putting on make up that way, also not so successful.  Dressing Quasimodo was not an issue, but staying dressed seemed to be.

So let's do a math problem shall we?

The woman pictured above...plus


multiplied by various versions of this

and then add this



Yup you guessed it, Barney is one lucky fella!


I noticed while in this 'state' that my mind really did focus on Barney.  I thought about how I looked to him, not with vanity in mind.  Vanity would have been in mind a few years ago, but now I just wanted to look 'pretty' for him, not for me ( I suppose why would it matter for me because Quasi couldn't stand up straight to look in the mirror anyway).

I started this post  a week ago, while trying to shake off the loneliness of being in pain in the middle of the night.  Thankfully for the past 5 nights I have managed to stay in bed for 5 hours in a row!  Listen it really is a feat , because even before all of this happened 6 hours was pretty much my 'night' anyway.

Through physio therapy and time, my back is getting better.  I can stay sitting now.  While I am immobile the pain and numbness is far less.  Standing is an entirely different ballgame however.  Yes, yes,


But you know what is beginning to suck more?

ME...( okay insert dirty joke here, because that is true too, do to physical limitations at times)  Not ONLY that...but my Submissive Heartset


Not too long ago, in the grand scheme of things, when I thought ttwd was going to falter for good, I realized being submissive was who I was.  Today as I sit here that revaluation seems not another lifetime ago, but another person ago too.  I understand that being subservient isn't the only part of being a submissive.  Serving my husband and my family however is a big piece of who I am.  Being able to do those 'little' things for them, brings me not only happiness but peace.   That is missing.  Sure I am happy, albeit still frustrated.  The real issue is, I feel locked away inside of myself.

I know pain does this to me.  I am fairly certain it does this to most people.  I'm not special that way.  The issue?  Being locked inside of yourself does NOT a good submissive wife make.  When I first started this journey in pain,  I actually phoned Barney at work in tears, and sobbed out, " Can you please come home? "  I have NEVER done that in my life.  I once phoned in labour, and another time when our oldest was 4 weeks old and I had a migraine and couldn't take care of him.  Never have I phoned for me.  He came home, I asked him to climb in bed with me, I clung to him and wept.  Again, not generally something I am known for.

So where is that woman now?  

There ARE things I can do.  Sometimes I even do them.  The issue is, that I think of them, and now don't listen to that little voice inside.  I should rejoice, I suppose, that I still HAVE a little voice inside albeit bound and gagged, 

but priority for others is no longer there it seems.  What I find disturbing, is the fact that it isn't like it was in the past.  Before I would stubbornly shut out my submissive self.  Now I am more 
just flat.



I know have have to smarten up.  I know somehow I have to dig deep and blow the dust off of my submission.  Most likely I probably won't even have to dig that deep.  But I have to start.  Am I fearful that Barney will let this go?  No not at the moment.  I think he actually misses ttwd.  This is the first time it has disappeared without either of us contributing to it emotionally.  My fear is that as time passes, that I will be the one who becomes indifferent.  If that happens ttwd WILL disappear and if that happens eventually so with this




I shall try to remember this in the meantime



It is just so difficult because,