March has been a heck of a month. I could get all doom and gloom, but in the grand scheme of things I know life could be way worse. Between the incessant JOY that perimenopause brings and the excruciating pain from a pinched nerve, I haven't exactly been myself. And well, I miss myself.
I miss my life. You know if this had happened last year, I would have probably obsessed with the fact that ttwd may not return when my life did. The thought hasn't crossed my mind that much. It has crossed my mind, but I haven't fretted it. Perhaps because the physical aspect of ttwd isn't something I can even fathom at the moment. Perhaps it is out of site out of mind? I don't miss that. I really don't. Don't misunderstand, I am not DONE with ttwd, I am just not in a place to think about it.
What do I miss? I miss the D/s part of our relationship. I miss submitting to my husband. There are very few opportunities to do so at the moment. I can start things, but rarely can I finish them on my own. Rarely does it not come with a price. Doing these things, make me feel good, but more as an accomplishment by the end, and not as a submissive. Basically my life at the moment has become about ME....and I hate it.
At the start of last week, I couldn't even put make up on or dry my bangs. I would climb into the tub on all fours to wash my hair, ( showered once this week...big bonus!) after my bath. By the time I was out, putting anti-frizz in my hair was all I could manage. Turns out laying down after, or not doing much else gives you this look
Not too shabby if you are the lead guitarist in an 80s Rock Band....housewife, not so much. By day 4 of this, I had decided I had tried to do something. We have a full length mirror on the wall, so I plugged in my straightener ( God no I wasn't going for the whole head, only the bangs!) and set my jaw to do this. Let me tell you styling your hair, let's go with styling shall we? on all fours only looking up periodically does not a successful trip to the beauty salon make! Putting on make up that way, also not so successful. Dressing Quasimodo was not an issue, but staying dressed seemed to be.
So let's do a math problem shall we?
The woman pictured above...plus
multiplied by various versions of this
Yup you guessed it, Barney is one lucky fella!
I noticed while in this 'state' that my mind really did focus on Barney. I thought about how I looked to him, not with vanity in mind. Vanity would have been in mind a few years ago, but now I just wanted to look 'pretty' for him, not for me ( I suppose why would it matter for me because Quasi couldn't stand up straight to look in the mirror anyway).
I started this post a week ago, while trying to shake off the loneliness of being in pain in the middle of the night. Thankfully for the past 5 nights I have managed to stay in bed for 5 hours in a row! Listen it really is a feat , because even before all of this happened 6 hours was pretty much my 'night' anyway.
Through physio therapy and time, my back is getting better. I can stay sitting now. While I am immobile the pain and numbness is far less. Standing is an entirely different ballgame however. Yes, yes,
But you know what is beginning to suck more?
ME...( okay insert dirty joke here, because that is true too, do to physical limitations at times) Not ONLY that...but my Submissive Heartset
Not too long ago, in the grand scheme of things, when I thought ttwd was going to falter for good, I realized being submissive was who I was. Today as I sit here that revaluation seems not another lifetime ago, but another person ago too. I understand that being subservient isn't the only part of being a submissive. Serving my husband and my family however is a big piece of who I am. Being able to do those 'little' things for them, brings me not only happiness but peace. That is missing. Sure I am happy, albeit still frustrated. The real issue is, I feel locked away inside of myself.
I know pain does this to me. I am fairly certain it does this to most people. I'm not special that way. The issue? Being locked inside of yourself does NOT a good submissive wife make. When I first started this journey in pain, I actually phoned Barney at work in tears, and sobbed out, " Can you please come home? " I have NEVER done that in my life. I once phoned in labour, and another time when our oldest was 4 weeks old and I had a migraine and couldn't take care of him. Never have I phoned for me. He came home, I asked him to climb in bed with me, I clung to him and wept. Again, not generally something I am known for.
So where is that woman now?
There ARE things I can do. Sometimes I even do them. The issue is, that I think of them, and now don't listen to that little voice inside. I should rejoice, I suppose, that I still HAVE a little voice inside albeit bound and gagged,
but priority for others is no longer there it seems. What I find disturbing, is the fact that it isn't like it was in the past. Before I would stubbornly shut out my submissive self. Now I am more
I know have have to smarten up. I know somehow I have to dig deep and blow the dust off of my submission. Most likely I probably won't even have to dig that deep. But I have to start. Am I fearful that Barney will let this go? No not at the moment. I think he actually misses ttwd. This is the first time it has disappeared without either of us contributing to it emotionally. My fear is that as time passes, that I will be the one who becomes indifferent. If that happens ttwd WILL disappear and if that happens eventually so with this