Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I Miss My Life

(Disclaimer:  I know there are worse things in life.  My life will return.  It is already 70% better than it was.  I am healthy, just in pain.  It is only a pinched nerve, in my lower back, or so they say.)

March has been a heck of a month.  I could get all doom and gloom, but in the grand scheme of things I know life could be way worse.  Between the incessant JOY that perimenopause brings and the excruciating pain from a pinched nerve, I haven't exactly been myself.  And well, I miss myself.

I miss my life.  You know if this had happened last year, I would have probably obsessed with the fact that ttwd may not return when my life did.  The thought hasn't crossed my mind that much.  It has crossed my mind, but I haven't fretted it.  Perhaps because the physical aspect of ttwd isn't something I can even fathom at the moment.  Perhaps it is out of site out of mind?  I don't miss that.  I really don't.  Don't misunderstand, I am not DONE with ttwd, I am just not in a place to think about it.

What do I miss?  I miss the D/s part of our relationship.  I miss submitting to my husband.  There are very few opportunities to do so at the moment.  I can start things, but rarely can I finish them on my own.  Rarely does it not come with a price.  Doing these things, make me feel good, but more as an accomplishment by the end, and not as a submissive.  Basically my life at the moment has become about ME....and I hate it.

At the start of last week, I couldn't even put make up on or dry my bangs.  I would climb into the tub on all fours to wash my hair, ( showered once this week...big bonus!) after my bath.  By the time I was out, putting anti-frizz in my hair was all I could manage.  Turns out laying down  after, or not doing much else gives you this look

Not too shabby if you are the lead guitarist in an 80s Rock Band....housewife, not so much.  By day 4 of this, I had decided I  had tried to do something.  We have a full length mirror on the wall, so I plugged in my straightener ( God no I wasn't going for the whole head, only the bangs!) and set my jaw to do this.  Let me tell you styling your hair, let's go with styling shall we? on all fours only looking up periodically does not a successful trip to the beauty salon make!  Putting on make up that way, also not so successful.  Dressing Quasimodo was not an issue, but staying dressed seemed to be.

So let's do a math problem shall we?

The woman pictured

multiplied by various versions of this

and then add this

Yup you guessed it, Barney is one lucky fella!

I noticed while in this 'state' that my mind really did focus on Barney.  I thought about how I looked to him, not with vanity in mind.  Vanity would have been in mind a few years ago, but now I just wanted to look 'pretty' for him, not for me ( I suppose why would it matter for me because Quasi couldn't stand up straight to look in the mirror anyway).

I started this post  a week ago, while trying to shake off the loneliness of being in pain in the middle of the night.  Thankfully for the past 5 nights I have managed to stay in bed for 5 hours in a row!  Listen it really is a feat , because even before all of this happened 6 hours was pretty much my 'night' anyway.

Through physio therapy and time, my back is getting better.  I can stay sitting now.  While I am immobile the pain and numbness is far less.  Standing is an entirely different ballgame however.  Yes, yes,

But you know what is beginning to suck more?

ME...( okay insert dirty joke here, because that is true too, do to physical limitations at times)  Not ONLY that...but my Submissive Heartset

Not too long ago, in the grand scheme of things, when I thought ttwd was going to falter for good, I realized being submissive was who I was.  Today as I sit here that revaluation seems not another lifetime ago, but another person ago too.  I understand that being subservient isn't the only part of being a submissive.  Serving my husband and my family however is a big piece of who I am.  Being able to do those 'little' things for them, brings me not only happiness but peace.   That is missing.  Sure I am happy, albeit still frustrated.  The real issue is, I feel locked away inside of myself.

I know pain does this to me.  I am fairly certain it does this to most people.  I'm not special that way.  The issue?  Being locked inside of yourself does NOT a good submissive wife make.  When I first started this journey in pain,  I actually phoned Barney at work in tears, and sobbed out, " Can you please come home? "  I have NEVER done that in my life.  I once phoned in labour, and another time when our oldest was 4 weeks old and I had a migraine and couldn't take care of him.  Never have I phoned for me.  He came home, I asked him to climb in bed with me, I clung to him and wept.  Again, not generally something I am known for.

So where is that woman now?  

There ARE things I can do.  Sometimes I even do them.  The issue is, that I think of them, and now don't listen to that little voice inside.  I should rejoice, I suppose, that I still HAVE a little voice inside albeit bound and gagged, 

but priority for others is no longer there it seems.  What I find disturbing, is the fact that it isn't like it was in the past.  Before I would stubbornly shut out my submissive self.  Now I am more 
just flat.

I know have have to smarten up.  I know somehow I have to dig deep and blow the dust off of my submission.  Most likely I probably won't even have to dig that deep.  But I have to start.  Am I fearful that Barney will let this go?  No not at the moment.  I think he actually misses ttwd.  This is the first time it has disappeared without either of us contributing to it emotionally.  My fear is that as time passes, that I will be the one who becomes indifferent.  If that happens ttwd WILL disappear and if that happens eventually so with this

I shall try to remember this in the meantime

It is just so difficult because,


  1. Hi Wilma,

    Unfortunately I know all too well about pain and losing who I once was and all of that.

    Hopefully in time your condition will improve. Mine has no cure.

    For us DD has found a place amongst the pain and I'm very happy for that.

    I shall pray for healing and for your submissive mindset to return.

    If you would like some medical advise for your pinched nerve, Email me :)

    Good Luck,

    1. Hi Lilly

      I am sorry to hear that your pain has no cure. I cannot fathom what it would be like knowing for certain there is no end in sight. That being said, you do sound quite positive, and that is wonderful!
      Thank you for your kind words and offer!


  2. I'm sorry you're in pain, Willie. I've been there. Had a major back injury in my early 20s and was out for quite awhile. Mind you I was single then. BUT, I do understand pain in different ways now and it's very difficult navigating life with a family and trying to stay upbeat for everyone. I hope you get your life back soon.

    1. Thanks Paige.

      Sadly I am no stranger to pain ( or even being one...but I digress). This is has been an entirely different ballgame all together, however. Fortunately it shouldn't last forever. It only feels like that some days!

  3. Okay...for me sometimes the "meh" is a way of protecting myself from the anxiety/fear of what might be during a situation that feels helpless. Though different, we did this last summer/fall with my injury.

    This is new. As you said, neither of you chose to contribute emotionally to the shut down place you are in. It's like you both took an unintended rabbit trail off of the main path. You will come back onto the path again, but it will be in a different place, one that forces you to regroup but then leaves you stronger. Like everything else along the way, this experience is going to change both of you. You aren't going to become indifferent.

    This stupid pain will pass and it would be a whole lot easier for you if you knew how long it would be. I wish I had some idea for finding that submissive heart-set for you. I do know that you are too stubborn, too deep, too wholehearted about this to let yourself get too far off. In fact, I'm going to guess that having written this down, you'll start having new promptings and you'll force yourself to listen to them.

    If at any point you need me to help by bossing you around, you know how to make that happen. ;)


    1. Oh S ??? Is this your new sassy moniker? No more Susie just call me S. Like when Prince became that funky symbol thingie?

      Right..the post... As you *may* recall (snort) my arm and I had some 'fun times' with pain. The same side of my body actually. Hmmm? There must be a way I can blame my mother for this. Anyway, rabbit trail? Easter on the brain? Not sure where we will end up..Perhaps we are just sitting in the shade off of our path right now. Barney swatting at mosquitoes, because he can't swat me! LOL.

      I honestly don't know if we are going to change that much from this. But meh who knows? I know he isn't changing at the moment, and that is a big change. WAIT...what the flip? who are you calling stubborn? And why exactly is it that all you people seem to feel the need to boss me around....I'd say talk to the hand, but in a couple of minutes both of them will be helping climb the stairs..LOL~ but not!


  4. I am so sorry you are in pain friend and I hope you are 100% again soon:(

    1. Thanks Bea....Oh and btw still looking for your Timmy's photo.


  5. TTWD is fine. But remember your marriage vows, through sickness and in health. That's just part of this. And now, more than ever, Barney cares about you and cares for you. Keep putting on your happy face. My mom told me once to go and get dressed, put on my make up and fake it till I make it. That, alone, speaks loudly for your submissiveness. You are trying to please him. Now what you need to do is, find a comfy chair/recliner, put on some great movies or a book, and put those boys of yours to work! Now don't be laughing at the comment too hard, you never know, they may help without being asked twice.
    Love you and I am sorry that you are still hurting so badly

    1. Yeah, yeah, yeah...but that is HIS sickness and health. I am supposed to be SUPER SUBMISSIVE...oh shut up and just go with it would ya?

      Actually the boys have been great. Well 2/3rds anyway. The Heir to the Throne has no issues helping when he is around and you ask him. Never a complaint from any of them. Second in Line from the Throne has been his usual Godsend self, and Mini Me, well he lies somewhere in between. He really is the missing link I swear!

      I have improved leaps and bounds this past week, more so even in the past day or so. I am cautiously optimistic!!
      As always thanks for your support my friend!!!

      Now get that Ty off the computer, we need girl time. Tell him I said he needs to work on his glutes again!

  6. Willie, I hate that this is happening to you. My MIL keeps telling me old age isn't for sissies. I have to agree. It seems so unfair that after we go through childbirth, raising kids, empty nest, and retirement issues that we have to have health issues that stretch our limits farther than we could ever imagine.

    TTWD is just on sabbatical. When you are well again both you and Barney will pursue it again. Your submissive heart is busy dealing with the emotional portion of your physical problems. It will be there when you need to embrace it.

    Take this time to concentrate on your recovery. Hard when it occupies all of your days and nights, I know. You are in my prayers and you have so many friends who are ready to support you in any way you need. Hoping your recovery is swift and you are pain free and happy soon.


    1. Brittany, Hello! Nice to see you around again.

      Wait? Did you just refer to me as OLD????? Snort. I kid. My 81 year old mother was moving faster ( in BARBADOS I might add) this past month than I was.

      I suppose you and everyone else are right,my submissive heartset is just on pause. It sort of sucks, because everything seems to be on pause just about at the moment. Although bit by bit I think things are returning ever so slightly.

      Thank you LB for your kind words as always. You never fail to make me smile!

  7. Ah, Willie. I'm just getting caught up, and I'm so sorry to hear you've not been well. I think the 'you' inside you is still there. She's just taking a break right now. I still have more reading to do, but what has your doctor said? If it's easier to point me to a specific post, do that; I'll be glad to read. In the meantime, I'm scrolling down many blogs I've missed reading while away.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers.


    1. Hey Sadie Lady, I was beginning to think you were lost and never coming back to us! Happy that you aren't~ lost that is.
      I had to chuckle at this, " I think the 'you' inside you is still there. She's just taking a break right now." not because it was actually funny but I had a vision of me talking to Barney in an answering machine voice. " Sorry willie can't submit right now, she is taking a break. Please leave your desire/dominant message and she'll get back to you"

      Probably shouldn't take that any further than here though.

      As for older posts and this 'condition' of mine, this is the one and only post. Hopefully the next post I write will be about me pole vaulting again. Oh wait, I've never done that. Well maybe kinky sex positions?

      Thanks Sadie. I appreciate it!
      hugs, but not really that hurts, how about a wave across the room?

  8. Willie, I am so sorry you are in such pain. Pain like that truly sucks and does take over, everything else takes a back seat. I really hope it improves soon.

    I don't think you have lost your submissive heart set. I think it is still there. As you said, neither you or Barney contributed emotionally to the shut down. The fact that you aren't fretting that ttwd wont return shows how far you have both come. You and Barney may not return to the same spot, but ttwd will return.


    1. Hi Roz!

      Yes this type of pain does suck, but I know so many more who are in worse pain. I keep that in the forefront of my mind. I am just frustrated as heck to be honest!

      Ttwd hasn't really left Barney actually. He is mildly bossy and I do submit to what he asks. It just takes me much longer and my list is MUCH shorter. He tells me to do what I can, but honestly stop when I have to. I'm not great at the latter part, but I try. I suppose that means at least some of my submissive heartset is still pumping!

      thanks Roz.

  9. I think losing your strength, endurance, ease and sense of independence to do - at will - all you need/want to do for your family must have a diluting effect on your submissive heartset. Submission, on our best days, isn't for the weak. Injury and illness require us to tap into greater depths of our inner strength, resolve, openness and trust.

    If Barney has told you to take care of you - both your physical and emotional self - that is what you must focus on. That is your submissiveness to him. You are correct that submission isn't all about subservience. I happen to think one has nothing to do with the other, from the viewpoint of the HoH, unless it is required or requested of the submissive. If a sub feels sub through voluntary service, that feeds her need - and that is great! It does good things for me, but it is not required or expected of me.

    I should finish explaining, but need to get busy. I am thinking of you and sending healing energy every day. I know about living with constant pain, and feel so terrible for you. We don't "deserve" THAT kind of pain! Lol! ;-)

    Big hugs! Love ya!

    1. Hi Irishey!

      I don't view subservience a requirement. It is just a word that would basically describe my daily job. Not my 'work' as I enjoy it. It is just how our lives have always played out. He leaves the house, and I stay in.. So in part by not doing my part, ttwd aside, I am feeling rather useless and frustrated along with the pain. It makes for a pretty closed off person, let alone someone who is required to turn to her husband, with an open heart.

      As for my pain, it has lessened so much since I started writing this post. Leaps and bounds since I posted. I guess I have you ladies to thank!

      Throwing love back atcha too!

  10. Hi Willie, sorry about your pinched nerve and I do get that this is frustrating, but you really are too harsh when you say that you hate that life has become about yourself. Be lenient with yourself!!! I do know what you mean, but nevertheless, hopefully this sounds harsher for me than you mean it. ... Nice hairstyle, btw. :)

    The pain you go through definitely sucks, and I fully get that you feel unable to do what it takes and this creates this feeling flat, but I still think you are being far too hard on yourself. Just to make sure that I got it right, you have so much pain in your back that you couldn’t even sit properly, not to mention move your arms properly due to the pain, add some bad nights with less sleep, add a bad conscience for not being fully functional. …I bet you left the bed too early too. Does your doc know that you leave the bed?! Willie, I really wish so much that you get well soon, I am no doc but I have this strange idea that you try to do it all, to show submissiveness in a time when all you should do is r e s t(!!!). So, if possible let your family pamper you for a little bit, without thinking about anything that you think you should do for them.

    About you missing your submissiveness ... I think that it is marvelous that you can think straight at all under these circumstances and I am pretty sure that the situation will be much better for you once the pain becomes less. It is lovely that you want to show your submission, it is wonderful that you struggle to get something that is so valuable to you as to submit and care for your family. Feeling flat because you get the impression you don’t care enough sucks more than everything else. But I would connect this to the pain and probably medication too (sounds silly, but with so much pain I assume you got some pain killers).

    Have you noticed that you are still more submissive now even though you feel less submissive and your sub seems to be locked away? Just an idea, but when you call Barney to help you out, maybe you are simply being more vulnerable and open than some time ago. I think I do see what you miss, and I see that you are afraid of losing something you love too. But I also believe you won’t. Maybe you should blame the back pain in the first place and I am so sure that more of your submission will return once you are feeling better. Is it maybe an option to talk to Barney about your fears? I mean, they are there and bother you, and maybe he should know. I am so sure that he would be very understanding and maybe him knowing that you are afraid of losing ttwd could give you strength too. From what you wrote I don’t believe that Barney would let you lose something as beautiful as you submitting to him.

    I hope you recover and find your way back to your submissive inner self really quickly. Wishing you a Happy –and pain free- Easter!

    painless hugs


    1. Hi Nina

      I did really feel that life was all about me, or at the very least my pain. It was all consuming. At least in my head. Not too sound like I am the be all and end all, because I am certainly not, but I am not used to being to centre of attention around here. Don't get me wrong, I am treated very well....but I just prefer to go about my business.

      You are right or were right when I wrote this post Nina, I was doing too much. I wasn't told to stop doing my activities( by a professional). I was also told to not lay around too much. I suppose I took that to the extremes. Maybe it is just timing, or BOSSY friends, but I have slowed my activities, and moderated what I do when I do do them now, it has made life a lot easier pain wise

      Now about this business of me thinking straight...I am not sure I have ever been 'accused' of that! I must inform Barney ( among others)!! I did , do feel flat . The pain has been greatly reduced, I am no longer on pain meds ( you were right although I tried not to take them as they made me feel funky~ VERY ODD dreams too ). My issue was and still is feeling back to myself. Or what I believed to be myself. Instinctively going through life, not pushing the envelope or forcing myself to remember. It may come back, question is will I create an environment where it will

      We had a lovely Easter Nina, thank you. I do hope you enjoyed your first year as the Easter bunny!

  11. Don't be afraid... It's just a bump in the road. This type of pain is impossible to absorb and adjust to, it's not like the pain of a spanking that you can get your head around. It's unpredictable for one thing. I know it must be hard to keep your heart in this, when so much of your submissive nature is based on your amazing home life and the joy you feel from caring for your family and being there to serve Barney. It's all the little things that you enjoy doing that embelish your love for your family and being unable to do these things must be more than just frustrating. But hang in there, the pain won't be forever and everything you are missing will be there once your health is better. I think a very important thing you need to remember here, is that although you feel as if you have lost your submissive heart, it's very obviously clear that you haven't, because if you had it would never have occured to you to think about it. Besides, Barney has an itchy palm. I'm pretty sure that as soon as you are back on your feet, you are going to find yourself back on your hands and knees LOL.

    I read this post of yours to the Gorilla and then had to sit there and endure almost an hour of his scientific explanation on why you feel this way. Some crap about your brain not producing enough dopamine because of the pain. I tell you my head was aching so much after listening to him, I think I am now dopamine deprived. Why do men think they can explain everything with a scientific explanation. Just don't do the crying thing when you talk to him, he loses the plot with that LOL
    Huge Hugs to you. (Gentle Hugs). Xx

    1. Hey Lady.

      Me afraid? Pfft. Did you forget who you were addressing? the bravest scaredy cat you know, apparently. I know it is a bump in the road, but I don't have to like it. And this particular bump is a new one. Should I rejoice that it isn't the same old, same old ? Perhaps. Perhaps my issue is deciphering what my emotions are now. What exactly am I frustrated it? Myself. My incredibly dusty house? My husband? Should I feel guilty that he is doing the lion's share or more guilty that I am upset he doesn't notice other things?

      Mostly today, I feel sad. Sad that our connection is like faulty wiring at the moment. He does so much around here, but it reminds me of how things were before Dd. One of us doing the bulk. Neither of us 'together'.

      As for Gorilla...oh please. I heard it all too, Not sure who got the inaugural version. And when you no doubt read THIS to him, make sure to inform him the levels seem to be rising ( oh and tell him my feet are flat on a stool at the moment while I am typing....sheesh I have this male Aussie voice running a loop in my head about foot positions...) because I have cried several times this weekend. Mostly he has had a hand in it...( no pun intended). But I am grateful he did...THIS TIME. Now I should run and practice 'fake' crying in case there is something we need in the future *wink*.

      Thanks for the Gentle Hugs. I am very, very fond of them

  12. Fond! Fond! What the "F" is FOND? Is that the best you can do? SNORT SNORT SNORT... I Love you to bits!
    But it's ok, I'm not lacking in self confidence much. I can accept FOND! Oh and MORE!!!

    1. The best I can do? I write you the equivalent to a bromance post on D/L~ rather vomit inducing even for myself to reread, so you darn well are not lacking in confidence. Or shouldn't be!!

      Woman, you are the one fond of FOND. Honestly speaking I am not sure I have ever used it in a 'positive' way. I have said, " I am not fond of that..." (or him...stamp)

    2. Bromance???? LMAO. Ok I have to admit, your post was absolutely heart wrenching. It was so much more than I ever expected and meant more to me than you or anyone else could ever understand. I'm so happy that you are starting to feel just a little better. But like I said earlier today, even though you are hurting and life kind of sucks, you still make me smile and laugh. Love you heaps!!! ( Out cheesed you now).

  13. Fine you win.( and I'll let you have it this time, because I am nice that way)...but you are supposed to be getting ready for bed! Tisk, tisk.

    I love you heaps too. And that isn't something that I say often so you know TREASURE it.

  14. I am so very sorry you are in so much Pain, that has to suck! I agree with most on here, you have not at all lost your submissiveness, it is just a BUMP in the road. I have a BUMP every time Lee is gone for weeks at a time. I truly am sorry and you are in my prayers to feel better soon. When you called Barney for help for YOU to me that is major, you are letting him inside that wall letting him know you need him. Every Man wants to feel needed I am just sure of it. You do need to take it easy, don't push yourself so hard. BABY steps like when you start feeling better don't overdo it! Gentle Hugs Sweetie & get well soon!

  15. Good grief Honey, I don't know why but I decided to reread some old posts this morning ( I needed a smile I guess), actually I was basically reading the comments as they can be so much fun,or used to be ;) and I noticed yours. How on EARTH did I miss this? Forgive me?

    Pfft, well it was 8 months ago, so I guess I sort of don't NEED to ask forgiveness as clearly you are still around, commenting on posts of mine, and the ETC.... LOL