Tuesday, April 14, 2015

When Maybe All You Thought- Wasn't *reposted

* I had removed this post to drafts.  Not entirely sure why now at the moment.  Probably an insecurity issue...anyway here is it back again***


 I have a friend ( don't try to guess- trust me you don't know her, she doesn't have a blog) who after several decades of being married brought Dd to her husband.  He took to it like a duck to water.



  After a few years of ttwd, they jointly decided to stop.  Her business took off, and they decided that the emotional ups and downs that often occur during ttwd would be too difficult to maneuver with the demands placed on her from the outside world.

When we talked about this, she was very at peace.  She had listed all of the things they had gained from ttwd,how much their marriage had flourished because of it.  She reiterated how they found each other again, perhaps better than before.  More importantly she found herself again.  Not only did she find the drive in her to continue several passions of her's, but for all the right reasons now, not as a means of escape.


My friend is not alone.  I have a few others that have stopped Dd but on a good note.  It was almost as if they needed it for a time being and now it no longer seems to be needed.  It was a tool in their lives to help their marriage and it appears for THEM it is no longer warranted.  Of these friends all have said if need be they will return to Dd, but for them, for now they are completely happy with where they are.  None of them experienced a 'we give up' time that ended ttwd.  It was just a natural progression and discussion to leave it behind and open a new chapter.

Why am I mentioning this?  Because I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  What would happen if Barney and I left ttwd behind? It has been non-existent because of injury I have for some time now.  Oh I see glimmers of  it in him on a daily basis, although those are becoming fewer too.  I am not seeing much of it in me anymore.


Once I feel better, things will return to normal- or so I have been told over and over again.  Life is not normal yet, but my health is returning. The 'pain' is more of an annoyance now than anything.  No we couldn't return to the physical component of ttwd yet, for fear of set backs, but the pain has subsided greatly.  The rest of life? It is weighing heavily on us too.  Mostly we are experiencing First World Problems, so nothing REALLY to complain about.  These problems are bringing in distractions and somehow a wedge between us.  I suppose Barney and I have not reached a point in our relationship where we no longer need ttwd as a tool if these things around us are still able to keep us parallel as opposed to bring us together.

I have been thinking more and more about the question often posed around, " Would your marriage survive without ttwd?"  I don't know anymore.  Once upon a time I would have said yes...and no.  Yes if we didn't have it, but no if one of us withdrew it, the one being Barney I suppose.  Now I am not sure.  We are best friends, there is no worry there, but if a wedge can exist after 6 weeks how can I clearly say yes our marriage would be fine without it?


I know in many ways I put the wedge there.  As I have often said in the past, I am not a good multi-emotionalizer ( zip it ...it is a word now).  Don't misunderstand I generally like to think of myself as a optimistic person.  I try not to add crap on top of crap.  Silver lining and all that jazz.  I just sometimes feel precariously perched on my optimism.  Like I am the only one holding on, and by a thread at best.




After my last serious post, my friend suggested I write a list of all the things I do 'submissively' for Barney and then the ones I can do without pain.  I was then to come up with 3 new things to try.  I sat down one day and made my list.  Blankly I stared at it.  Quite frankly it was lame.  Part of it was what I would normally do on any given healthy day, what most housewives do, the other part, still lame.  I didn't do the second part of her exercise.  At this point I thought it worthless.  In theory her 'assignment' was a great idea.  Too bad the 'student' didn't have the drive or forethought to continue.


My mind is anywhere but being submissive.  No I am not being disrespectful.  I am worse.  I am independent.  I don't mean independent as in, I am woman here me roar!.  I mean independent as in alone.  Going through the motions should I chose too, but not really giving much thought either way.  Flopping into bed at night, alone with my thoughts...and not really having many of those either.  For the first time in 3 years I haven't been thinking about bettering our marriage, or myself.  I haven't been thinking at all.  Am I a shell?  No.  Am I indifferent?  I don't think so.  I just am.  Detatched.  Worst of all, I would say I have created this situation myself.



It is odd really when I think of it,those first two years scratching and clawing, holding onto Ttwd as the NEED to better our marriage, by freeing me.  Now here I sit wondering if it is going to return, and if it isn't, it is really because of me.  The thought isn't 'he can't do this' like in the past.  The thought isn't even " can I do this".  I suppose the thought is WILL I do this?

I know our lives, our relationship, my relationship with others is better, happier , healthier when we are (what?) 'practicing? " "living?" ttwd.  Yet the woman from February, the woman who was on the verge of being completely free and so very open with her husband, seems like a stranger to me.  Not even a distant memory.  Someone who showed up in some drug-induced dream, rather than my reality.

For the first time I can't FEEL what it was like when ttwd was active in our lives.  Ironic really, because for the first 2 years in this life, I clung to smaller nuggets to get me through.  Here it has been all of 6 weeks, and I have let myself forget.

I am not looking for answers.  I really am not sure there are any.  If I were to read this post on someone else's blog I would say, " take a leap of faith", " act like you are living it until you feel it again".  The reality is so much different however, when your are not living it, though isn't it?


5 comments:

  1. Hi Willie, I am so glad that your pinched nerve has become less of a pain in the … by now (couldn’t resist, sorry).
    Your friend’s idea about writing down what submissive things you (can) do for Barney sounds like a good one. Ok, it did not work out the way it was meant to be, as you have currently reached a point where you are detached. I know that coming up with ideas is sometimes not easy. EsMay has made some posts with ideas of submissive things that could be done. … Heck, I do not believe that you are actually looking for these exercises right now, so maybe/probably/surely this was silly to mention at all.

    But I know what you mean with being detached, this is something where I have been too, but that was more in pre-ttwd times and I didn’t like it at all, because I could function but was so far away from being happy. It was like being behind an invisible wall that wouldn't let me talk to others. Tearing down walls has been your topic before, and I couldn’t tear down this most important wall that I had then, alone.
    I wonder if this is where you need a helping hand. Nah, I don’t wonder, I am sure you do need Barney’s helping hand! ---> You described this wedge, put in place by you (at least parts of it, but it takes two to tango!), how do you remove it? Or is this something where you need Barney to step in more? So, what is Barney’s perception of what you are at the moment? Does he feel you as being detached too? How much have you let him see of this? Willie, you seem to miss what you had and want it back. That is what I see as something very positive and I hope so much that you find a way.

    love

    Nina

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  2. Hi Willie,
    I'm so sorry, I haven't been around much. I really need to get back to the community and blogging. Just need to find some motivation. I'm sorry to hear about your pinched nerve, that pain is awful and so annoying! I really hope you're starting to feel better.
    Detachment, that's something I know about, and it's always self induced. It's hard to feel so alone in your thoughts, but yet not feel like you can or want to share either. I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better, but I know this is something you have to work through. I really believe you will be fine, and you'll find your way back, and I'll believe for you..until you can. I'm sending you a giant cyber HUG, and lots of love!

    Jennelle

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  3. Hi Willie, I'm so glad to hear the pain is more of an annoyance now and that you are healing. I hope the injury is fully healed soon.

    I'm sorry you are feeling detached. With what you have been dealing with I don't think its any wonder. Dealing with pain like that tends to eclipse everything else and makes us draw into ourselves.

    You know ttwd has been absent for us for some time and we are now making slow moves back, through 'play'. Ours was a case of Rick calling a halt. I did feel fine with it and even relished the fact of having no rules etc. Now, I'm not too sure about having rules etc (depending on where this thing takes us).

    I am sure your submissive Willie is still there deep down and that as you continue to feel better those feelings will return. I think too that you may see more of those nuggets from Barney as your health improves.

    Love and hugs
    Roz

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  4. I would bet that just writing this post helped you just to think things out loud. As we all know, what a submissive means to one person isn't what it means to someone else. Sometimes, Ty and me discuss what it is that dd does for our marriage and if we weren't actually doing dd, would we still be doing those things. How important is it? Maybe some couples do grow out of dd, what they have learned and what has bettered their marriage has stuck and is part of how they act without thinking about it. If dd can help any marriage, well then I think that it has done it's job. When we stopped dd for awhile, we definitely figured out quickly that these "good" things we are getting from dd has not been natural, we needed dd still. For now, it's good. Though we aren't as rule oriented/constant getting into trouble, we still have the basics.
    My guess, once you are feeling better, Barney will take you over his knee and show you who is in charge and will let you know that you are not alone. He has been trying to take care to make sure you are good health wise plus dealing with all of the outside things. One weekend, no kids, and a lot of getting things back in order, will do you both some good and his hojo will be back and you will once again have those good feelings. Tell Barney what I said about getting you back in line and not to take any shit from you. It's time to get things right. It's time for you too....... Barney is the one

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  5. I am going to do something I don't do very often. Please forgive me. I am going to answer all Four of you at once. First off I want to thank the four of you for commenting. I know it isn't an easy post to comment on. It was an even more difficult one to write, especially since I just wrote a similar one a couple of weeks ago. So thank you for not making me feel like a complete weepy,whiny willie and commenting. There is nothing worse than putting your heart out on your sleeve and then have no one notice you!

    Life around here has had a few more setbacks. I wish I could say that things were better, but to be honest SOME of the things were are experiencing at the moment are not the average, run of the mill stuff. Barney and I have finally talked a bit about US, as opposed to all the crap going on. It is difficult in reality to MAKE time to talk when you feel completely drained by the outside world and circumstances that are beyond your control.

    Anyway thank you all again for taking the time to comment. It means so much more than maybe you will know.

    Much love
    willie

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