May was a very shall we say, 'interesting' month here. There were probably more lows than highs, I have to admit, but we are on the other side now, so no matter. We survived. It sure as heck wasn't easy, but we survived.
I started this post with the intention of telling you some funny, and RIDICULOUS things my husband said to me the other day because let's face it, my blog has been a tad depressing since I hurt my back. However as cute as that post might have been, I realize now after talking with a friend this past month that it would do very little for those who are or have struggled recently.
For those of us who live a Dd lifestyle, we understand just like life it isn't as neat and tidy as a Dd Novella. It isn't a fix all, and it certainly doesn't always end in 'swooning and melting" ( oh you know who that is for *wink*). Just like our marriage before TTWD Barney and I have struggled mightily at times. The difference is with TTWD, we struggle openly~ we struggle TOGETHER. By doing so however it can get pretty intense. Emotions flare up and OUT...oh Lord do they flow OUT!
My pain is not exclusive anymore. I have learned that he isn't oblivious, and he suffers every bit as much as I do once we start to falter. That was a huge learning curve. Before, and for a long time even during ttwd, I felt I was the only one who suffered. *I* was the one in pain. He had no right to it! Mostly those days are gone now, but those feelings do rear their ugly head every once and a while.
As you know, we haven't been able to do the physical aspect of TTWD for about 3 months. Because of the location of my pain, and the fear of making what little progress I was having at the time disappear, we shied away from it. I do say 'we' because during this time Barney deferred to me on this. Now some may regard this as not being the DOM/HoH in the situation, but honestly it was my body with the internal pain. If I did say I was ready, he would have still had the final say. I needed to communicate to him constantly where we stood on this.
Before I get to where we are now, I thought I would share a 'dragon' moment in our 'fairytale' (snort...yeah right fairytale !)
I was anxious. More anxious than perhaps I have been in a very long time. We had little bits of resolution during the month, but they seemed to just knock the tip off of the iceberg, so to speak. As members of the opposite sex often do, we viewed things differently. Barney felt the resolutions were all encompassing, where I felt they were just the starting point. See how THAT might cause an issue? LOL. Oh it did!
In addition to not having an outlet for my anxiety, (I hate to admit it, but spanking does really reset me at times like these-not always in 'one go' but it certainly does crack the armour) life kept throwing more crap at us. Okay, let's be frank, this definitely was a 'which came first the chicken or the egg' moment.
Was my anxiety causing me to view life differently? Or was life causing all the anxiety? Is that important? Actually it is. As the 'sub' in this relationship I have had the tendency to throw all of this on his lap and say, " If we were stronger right now like we were 3 months ago in ttwd, these life episodes wouldn't have effected me so greatly". Can I prove that? No, but it sure is nice to 'blame him'. Of course this is OUR life, so he had/has to deal with all that is thrown at us too. ( I know right? Why can't this just be all about ME???? Why does HE have to have emotions too...so RUDE).
Something had been weighing on my mind. I have to admit I have trust issues. Originally I thought the trust issues were based on past hurt, whether perpetrated by the individuals currently in my life, or those of the past. I have since come to realize that the trust issue originates from me. Certainly I have been hurt, crushed actually, many times in my life. Barney will admit to creating hurt a few times himself, but outside of my marriage, the trust that is lacking is the trust that perhaps this time I will be worthy of the words said by others. As I said, I have been hurt before, but do I not 'trust' those in my life now? Of course I do. Perhaps the trust that is lacking is trusting that I am special enough. ( wow does that sound whiney or what? ).
ANYWAY, as a result of my thinking I was withdrawn and sullen. I was actually for lack of a better word, truly sad. Barney asked me what was wrong one morning in the kitchen. I lost my words. I simply shook my head, tears in my eyes and walked away. I do believe he wanted to know. Over the course of the next 2 days he asked me as many times. Each time I felt his interest in the answer waning. I suppose who can blame him (now). Those two days had many tearful moments. My anxiety was climbing. We were spending the days together with little or no tension, so I thought. On day 3 he came into our room after I made the bed, something he told me he was going to do. I wasn't upset, I just thought I was in there I might as well. He was not impressed. We exchanged words over the making of the bed, and he spat out, " I have just been trying to do things lately that won't piss you off!"
To say I lost it would be an understatement . To say the following 18 hours after were horrible would be...well never mind. I YELLED, yes, YELLED, " This isn't about YOU! It isn't always about you you know?" I can't remember what he said to that, I do remember following him out of our bedroom, livid, hurt, crushed and wanting to inflict damage. " F**K you! ............ F**K you!" (Repeat 2 more times), and throw in an" A$$hole" for good measure . Throughout the course of or marriage I have said, "Oh for F*cksakes" out of frustration, but never do I recall in 22 years of being together saying F*ck You to Barney. Or seriously calling him an A$$hole. He kept walking, " That's 4, keep it up.....A$$HOLE very nice". In case you were wondering WHY 4 F-yous, that is how long it took for him to walk downstairs.
I mean honestly all of this could have been avoided if I found my words two days earlier. But in part I couldn't tell Barney because I felt like he would take some of my insecurities personally. He would blame himself. I suppose that would have been better than what transpired later anyway.
That night I sat on the edge of our bed, feet on our windowsill, staring out the window into darkness. My sobs assaulting my entire body. I was shaking. The snot was flowing thick. You know, when it covers the back of your throat and when you swallow you feel like you are going to drown? Oh yes I was a vision of loveliness. Barney came in our room and went to bed. He sighed. He didn't touch me. He didn't talk to me. He just lay there. I tried to stay there, but I couldn't. Finally I got up and went downstairs. Eventually he came to me and told me to get back to bed. After a few minutes I followed, what? I couldn't do it RIGHT away!
In bed again, the silence was deafening. I made a comment, to which he misunderstood, and responded based on his interpretation. I flipped out, and ran into the bathroom sobbing again. In he came. We figured out the miscommunication but he also informed me that he was just too angry all day to talk to me. He feared what he would say. I was ordered back to bed again, but no further words were exchanged.
The next day life continued. Whether it was the release granted to me through body wracking sobs, or pure exhaustion I found my words to talk to him. I told him about my insecurities. I also told him of my extreme sadness over missing someone in our lives. To my surprise he shared that feeling. ( I know right? there he goes having feelings again!). I informed him that the night before with him ignoring me was a hurt I wasn't sure how to get over. He apologized but told me that he was still just so angry he couldn't bring himself to turn to me. He said he realized it was selfish of him, but that was the truth.
I had been going to see many different specialists concerning my hip. My right side was now being taken over due to the fact that I was walking differently because of my discomfort. The last specialist, and last appointment led to not giving me much hope that nothing but time would help. After we got in the van from the appointment, I said to Barney, " No more. I am tired of focusing on this pain. I am tired of being poked ( LITERALLY) and prodded. I am tired of the questions. It appears everyone is merely guessing at what this is or how it can be fixed. I just want my life back. I want our life back".
The next day, he spanked me. Again, so NOT like something you would read in a novel. This was two very scared people in a room. This was not a man with a husky voice, commanding the shrew to prepare for the worst. This was a man terrified to hurt his wife, and send her back to a place of pain rather than discomfort. This was a man who had to dig deep to trust that his wife knew her body well enough to not get injured. This was a woman who wanted a life she had been missing but swallowed down her very real fear that doing this could prolong this 'nonlife' for many more months. This also was NOT a punishment.
Barney picked out lighter implements. He mostly chose various canes we have ( oh joy). He started to spank. It hurt naturally, but not as bad as one would think after not being spanked for 3 months. He was in his own , concerned world. I was analyzing my hip, trying desperately not to tense up and cause the muscle to do the same. He then switched to a light paddle. I tried to 'take it' . It wasn't the pain that had me ask him to stop, it was the fear. You see, every one of my appointments each specialist asked me if I had fallen or banged my back. Of course Barney has never struck my back, but our fear regarding that we may have caused this, no matter how remote, was there. Barney stopped with the paddle immediately. He thanked me for being honest. He told me he needed that from me. Apparently he did because after he put down the paddle, and resumed with a cane, he had MUCH more conviction. I suppose knowing now that I would tell him if I was hurting or afraid gave him the conviction to proceed without worry.
When all was said and done, I lay there a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt. Relief was not one of the feelings I had. Tears were ready to fall, but I hadn't a clue for what reason. I knew that it would take a while for this to fully play out and benefit us. I suspected that we couldn't or wouldn't gain back lost ground in one day. There was far too much thinking and analyzing going on that day for the full effects to be felt. Someone who did feel a bit better was Barney. His step back toward our old life was far greater than mine. It was like his memories came back in a rush.
The next day and a few days following, I was a walking bucket of anxiety and tears again. Far greater I think than before our blow out. I honestly believe a crack in the armour happened that day. Emotions and worries I had been suppressing but not willing to admit started to seep out everywhere. This time Barney would not take no for an answer. He told me to journal what I was feeling and leave it out for him to read when he came home from work. I wrote a 'post' on our private blog entitled ' I am Invisible" I told him I have been withdrawn because that is how I feel.
After a brief chat with a friend I went upstairs to my spot. The tub to cry. He came in and sat down. He asked about my conversation with our friend. After I told him, he said, " that didn't do anything to help you not feel invisible did it?". All I did was shake my head.
" You know you aren't invisible to anyone?"
" Yes I know. I didn't say I was justified in feeling this way. I just can't help it. My anxiety is through the roof. Since that spanking I don't know which end is up. The things we talked about 2 weeks ago aren't resolved either." I went on to discuss other issues in our life. Issues that really talking about won't make things any better. They will still just be as they are, until they are not.
As is typical for Barney, he took the brunt of the blame. He mentioned many things he did to contribute to me feeling invisible. He pointed out however, that it was him, and not any of our friends that did this. I knew in my heart that it wasn't anyone else but me and our situation, but often emotions are far from logical.
Since that day I have been spanked two additional times. Neither one of these spankings have been punishments either. He has stated that he isn't sure we are ready for that yet, but was quick to add that is probably going to change....soon. Pfft.
Each time I have been mentally closer to where I should be ~ Barney? Well these spankings are seemingly doing HIM a world of good.
Ironically my hip has been much better. It isn't perfect, any of it, but I believe in time it will get better. All of it.