Sunday, June 7, 2015

" That's 4, keep it up.....A$$HOLE very nice" Ah Dd the Fairy Tale

Okay all, breathe a sigh of relief ( or at least that is what I am going to call the sighs I hear).  I am still alive.

May was a very shall we say, 'interesting' month here.  There were probably more lows than highs, I have to admit, but we are on the other side now, so no matter.  We survived.  It sure as heck wasn't easy, but we survived.

I started this post with the intention of telling you some funny, and RIDICULOUS things my husband said to me the other day because let's face it, my blog has been a tad depressing since I hurt my back.  However as cute as that post might have been, I realize now after talking with a friend this past month that it would do very little for those who are or have struggled recently.

For those of us who live a Dd lifestyle, we understand just like life it isn't as neat and tidy as a Dd Novella.  It isn't a fix all, and it certainly doesn't always end in 'swooning and melting" ( oh you know who that is for *wink*).  Just like our marriage before TTWD Barney and I have struggled mightily at times.  The difference is with TTWD, we struggle openly~  we struggle TOGETHER. By doing so however it can get pretty intense.  Emotions flare up and OUT...oh Lord do they flow OUT!

 My pain is not exclusive anymore.  I have  learned that he isn't oblivious, and he suffers every bit as much as I do once we start to falter. That was a huge learning curve.  Before, and for a long time even during ttwd, I felt I was the only one who suffered.  *I* was the one in pain.  He had no right to it!  Mostly those days are gone now, but those feelings do rear their ugly head every once and a while.  

As you know, we haven't been able to do the physical aspect of TTWD for about 3 months.  Because of the location of my pain, and the fear of making what little progress I was having at the time disappear, we shied away from it.  I do say 'we' because during this time Barney deferred to me on this.  Now some may regard this as not being the DOM/HoH in the situation, but honestly it was my body with the internal pain.  If I did say I was ready, he would have still had the final say. I needed to communicate to him constantly where we stood on this.

Before I get to where we are now, I thought I would share a 'dragon' moment in our 'fairytale' (snort...yeah right fairytale !)

I was anxious.  More anxious than perhaps I have been in a very long time.  We had little bits of resolution during the month, but they seemed to just knock the tip off of the iceberg, so to speak.  As members of the opposite sex often do, we viewed things differently.  Barney felt the resolutions were all encompassing, where I felt they were just the starting point.  See how THAT might cause an issue? LOL.  Oh it did!

In addition to not having an outlet for my anxiety, (I hate to admit it, but spanking does really reset me at times like these-not always in 'one go'  but it certainly does crack the armour)  life kept throwing more crap at us.  Okay, let's be frank, this definitely was a 'which came first the chicken or the egg' moment. 

 Was my anxiety causing me to view life differently?  Or was life causing all the anxiety?  Is that important?  Actually it is.  As the 'sub' in this relationship I have had the tendency to throw all of this on his lap and say, " If we were stronger right now like we were 3 months ago in ttwd, these life episodes wouldn't have effected me so greatly".  Can I prove that?  No, but it sure is nice to 'blame him'.  Of course this is OUR life, so he had/has to deal with all that is thrown at us too.  ( I know right?  Why can't this just be all about ME????  Why does HE have to have emotions RUDE).

Something had been weighing on my mind.  I have to admit I have trust issues.  Originally I thought the trust issues were based on past hurt, whether perpetrated by the individuals currently in my life, or those of the past.  I have since come to realize that the trust issue originates from me.  Certainly I have been hurt, crushed actually, many times in my life.  Barney will admit to  creating hurt a few times himself, but outside of my marriage, the trust that is lacking is the trust that perhaps this time I will be worthy of the words said by others.  As I said, I have been hurt before, but do I not 'trust' those in my life now?  Of course I do.  Perhaps the trust that is lacking is trusting that I am special enough.  ( wow does that sound whiney or what? ).

ANYWAY, as a result of my thinking I was withdrawn and sullen.  I was actually for lack of a better word, truly sad.  Barney asked me what was wrong one morning in the kitchen.  I lost my words.  I simply shook my head, tears in my eyes and walked away.  I do believe he wanted to know.  Over the course of the next 2 days he asked me as many times.  Each time I felt his interest in the answer waning.  I suppose who can blame him (now).  Those two days had many tearful moments.  My anxiety was climbing.  We were spending the days together with little or no tension, so I thought.  On day 3 he came into our room after I made the bed, something he told me he was going to do.  I wasn't upset, I just thought I was in there I might as well.  He was not impressed.  We exchanged words over the making of the bed, and he spat out,  " I have just been trying to do things lately that won't piss you off!"

To say I lost it would be an understatement .  To say the following 18 hours after were horrible would be...well never mind.  I YELLED, yes, YELLED, " This isn't about YOU!  It isn't always about you you know?"  I can't remember what he said to that, I do remember following him out of our bedroom, livid, hurt, crushed and wanting to inflict damage.  " F**K you! ............ F**K you!"  (Repeat 2 more times), and throw in an" A$$hole" for good measure . Throughout the course of or marriage I have said, "Oh for F*cksakes" out of frustration, but never do I recall in 22 years of being together saying F*ck You to Barney. Or seriously calling him an A$$hole.  He kept walking, " That's 4, keep it up.....A$$HOLE very nice".  In case you were wondering WHY 4 F-yous,  that is how long it took for him to walk downstairs.

I mean honestly all of this could have been avoided if I found my words two days earlier.  But in part I couldn't tell Barney because I felt like he would take some of my insecurities personally. He would blame himself.  I suppose that would have been better than what transpired later anyway.

That night I sat on the edge of our bed, feet on our windowsill, staring out the window into darkness.  My sobs assaulting my entire body.  I was shaking.  The snot was flowing thick.  You know, when it covers the back of your throat and when you swallow you feel like you are going to drown?  Oh yes I was a vision of loveliness. Barney came in our room and went to bed.  He sighed.  He didn't touch me.  He didn't talk to me.  He just lay there.  I tried to stay there, but I couldn't.  Finally I got up and went downstairs.  Eventually he came to me and told me to get back to bed.  After a few minutes I followed, what?  I couldn't do it RIGHT away!

  In bed again, the silence was deafening.  I made a comment, to which he misunderstood, and responded based on his interpretation.  I flipped out, and ran into the bathroom sobbing again.  In he came.  We figured out the miscommunication but he also informed me that he was just too angry all day to talk to me.  He feared what he would say.  I was ordered back to bed again, but no further words were exchanged.

The next day life continued.  Whether it was the release granted to me through body wracking sobs, or pure exhaustion I found my words to talk to him.  I told him about my insecurities. I also told him of  my extreme sadness over missing someone in our lives.  To my surprise he shared that feeling.  ( I know right?  there he goes having feelings again!).  I informed him that the night before with him ignoring me was a hurt I wasn't sure how to get over.  He apologized but told me that he was still just so angry he couldn't bring himself to turn to me.  He said he realized it was selfish of him, but that was the truth.

I had been going to see many different specialists concerning my hip.  My right side was now being taken over due to the fact that I was walking differently because of my discomfort.  The last specialist, and last appointment led to not giving me much hope that nothing but time would help.  After we got in the van from the appointment, I said to Barney, " No more.  I am tired of focusing on this pain. I am tired of being poked ( LITERALLY) and prodded.  I am tired of the questions.  It appears everyone is merely guessing at what this is or how it can be fixed.  I just want my life back.  I want our life back".

The next day, he spanked me.  Again, so NOT like something you would read in a novel.  This was two very scared people in a room.  This was not a man with a husky voice, commanding the shrew to prepare for the worst.  This was a man terrified to hurt his wife, and send her back to a place of pain rather than discomfort.  This was a man who had to dig deep to trust that his wife knew her body well enough to not get injured.  This was a woman who wanted a life she had been missing but swallowed down her very real fear that doing this could prolong this 'nonlife' for many more months. This also was NOT a punishment.

Barney picked out lighter implements.  He mostly chose various canes we have ( oh joy).  He started to spank.  It hurt naturally, but not as bad as one would think after not being spanked for 3 months.  He was in his own , concerned world.  I was analyzing my hip, trying desperately not to tense up and cause the muscle to do the same.  He then switched to a light paddle.  I tried to 'take it' .  It wasn't the pain that had me ask him to stop, it was the fear.  You see, every one of my appointments each specialist asked me if I had fallen or banged my back.  Of course Barney has never struck my back, but our fear regarding that we may have caused this, no matter how remote, was there.  Barney stopped with the paddle immediately.  He thanked me for being honest.  He told me he needed that from me.  Apparently he did because after he put down the paddle, and resumed with a cane, he had MUCH more conviction.  I suppose knowing now that I would tell him if I was hurting or afraid gave him the conviction to proceed without worry.  

When all was said and done, I lay there a whirlwind of emotions.  I wasn't entirely sure how I felt.  Relief was not one of the feelings I had.  Tears were ready to fall, but I hadn't a clue for what reason.  I knew that it would take a while for this to fully play out and benefit us.  I suspected that we couldn't or wouldn't gain back lost ground in one day.  There was far too much thinking and analyzing going on that day for the full effects to be felt.  Someone who did feel a bit better was Barney.  His step back toward our old life was far greater than mine.  It was like his memories came back in a rush.

The next day and a few days following, I was a walking bucket of anxiety and tears again.  Far greater I think than before our blow out.  I honestly believe a crack in the armour happened that day.  Emotions and worries I had been suppressing but not willing to admit started to seep out everywhere.  This time Barney would not take no for an answer.  He told me to journal what I was feeling and leave it out for him to read when he came home from work.  I wrote a 'post' on our private blog entitled ' I am Invisible"  I told him I have been withdrawn because that is how I feel.

After a brief chat with a friend I went upstairs to my spot.  The tub to cry.  He came in and sat down.  He asked about my conversation with our friend.  After I told him, he said, " that didn't do anything to help you not feel invisible did it?".  All I did was shake my head.

" You know you aren't invisible to anyone?"

" Yes I know.  I didn't say I was justified in feeling this way.  I just can't help it.  My anxiety is through the roof.  Since that spanking I don't know which end is up.  The things we talked about 2 weeks ago aren't resolved either."  I went on to discuss other issues in our life.  Issues that really talking about won't make things any better.  They will still just be as they are, until they are not.

As is typical for Barney, he took the brunt of the blame.  He mentioned many things he did to contribute to me feeling invisible.  He pointed out however, that it was him, and not any of our friends that did this.    I knew in my heart that it wasn't anyone else but me and our situation, but often emotions are far from logical.

Since that day I have been spanked two additional times.  Neither one of these spankings have been punishments either. He has stated that he isn't sure we are ready for that yet, but was quick to add that is probably going to change....soon.  Pfft.

Each time I have been mentally closer to where I should be ~ Barney?  Well these spankings are seemingly doing HIM a world of good.

  Ironically my hip has been much better.  It isn't perfect, any of it, but I believe in time it will get better.  All of it.


  1. Oh Willie,
    I understand about feeling invisible-I have felt it many times...part of it IS from other's behavior & part is from my own insecurities-but that doesn't make it any less real of s feeling. Just a little FYI? You are not invisible to me! I honestly have you to thank for where Clark and I are now, much of the progress we have made has been at your urging & because of your encorragement-we both thank you! I am sorry you are going through this stuff but I am with you-it will get better with time & you & Barney can do it!
    I know you already know this, but I am here if you need me ; )

    1. Thanks Scarlet. I don't feel invisible anymore, nor did I when I wrote this post. It was a rough week that week, but it was accumulation of many things...HORROR MOANS being one of them!

      Things have been so much better. My mind still gets foggy after a reset still, but the effects ( um not just physically) are definitely lasting. The past couple of days have been interesting, but I think we are taking them in stride and with perspective. Let's just say I'm happy to gain my life back!


  2. Willie, you have been building barriers again! Ok, no great revelation, but compared to former situations one of the major differences between then and now is how sensitive both of you have learned to be about the other one. … Well, yes ok, with a certain delay. I fully get you on the rather free flow of emotions in a DD-life and how much you appreciate that part; I also know that sometimes there is a flow of emotions nobody enjoys, though. I think I see where you come from with Barney having feelings too, which is pretty difficult to deal with in a moment when you had your own trouble to deal with. You felt invisible. I do get you on that, though I am so glad this does not often happen here.And I am so sorry that you had this out of all things. Whether it is based on the trust issues or not, whether your anxiety added to it or not, whether you had to deal with your own insecurities, this is a big burden to carry. Feeling invisible is something awful, and if I got that right, your awareness of this feeling has added to you not communicating. I think I also get why Barney was miffed, though I do love that he had an eye on you, even if the first sort of real communication between him and you seems to have completely backfired, like in really completely (F-words?!).
    At first I had wondered about your two days of not communicating, because with you being sad, it must be so obvious that things are not alright. Barney tried, but is it possible that he was too unassertive, and that made it possible to shut him out? Maybe I didn’t get the situation clearly, sorry for that, but deafening silence is something I do get; this is pretty awkward, and you have my sympathy for being at such a low. If anything, I am glad that you made it through these horrible days, and for me it sounds as if you are in a better place again. I do not see from what you wrote how much you still do feel invisible, whether it is only in a few moments, neither can I see how you cope with your anxiety, but I hope so much that you two finding back to more physical forms of DD helps ease your burden. Feeling that way is a burden, a big one, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and hope so much that you’ll not feel like that again.
    Willie, I am very sorry that I did not comment lately, I really had no idea about your last posts, though after checking, I found them all in my mail today. I don’t know how this could happen. I’ll try to catch up quickly.



    1. Hi Nina!

      All is good here now. As I said to Scarlet, I no longer feel invisible. I didn't even when I wrote this post. Guess I did a poor job of conveying that! lol. Do I think I will feel that way again? Oh probably, but it will be easier to tell Barney now. He also will not take it as personally I am sure.

      Don't worry about not commenting. I actually don't think you missed any posts. I haven't posted much at all. Besides, you are busy growing another little person....I'll cut you some slack!

  3. Funny thing about the Disneyfied versions, they live happily ever after, which would seem to imply that they never have trials, but in Disney the tales always end with the wedding and the kiss. I suppose that's appropriate for the audience that they're aimed at. It is all light and fluff and surfacey because they are stories told for children, but the original fairytales: those by Grimm and Andersen have slightly different and darker shades to them. The struggles in those stories are what draw the characters together. There is a willingness to sacrifice for the other because of love and those sacrifices are not easily repaired and have long term cost, but they always serve a greater cause: the love the couple has for each other.

    I think you are writing so well about that struggle TOGETHER that is so important for a fairytale to be a true fairy tale and not a caricature of the meaning behind those tales. The heroes and heroines of those stores often come to the end of the story scarred a bit, but they are together. There is honor in the struggle and in the closeness that only comes with facing that struggle together.

    The long established couples, when they speak of the early years together, rarely mention great times, they mention the cold water flats and the apartments three stories up with no elevator and having all three children sick at the same time, and why? Perhaps because they can realize, perhaps not even consciously, that the struggle is what made them the couple that they are and the struggle is what made them close. The effect of those struggles can only be seen in hindsight and I suspect they weren't always pretty when they were in the midst of them.

    So, I read about you two, whirling around each other, but always coming back with your eyes open just a bit more than they were and I think that is what it means to live happily ever after: to live more honestly and more closely to each other is a result of dead dragons or at least the fairytales I grew up reading taught me that and slaying dragons is never an easy task, but it is ALWAYS worth it!

    But, then, that's what your blog's about isn't it?

    1. Cygnet, this is one of my all time favourite comments. And not just on my blog!

  4. Hi Willie, I hate that you and Barney have had such a difficult time and that you have been in so much pain. I so hope things turn the corner for you soon on that front.

    I love what you said about struggling openly, and importantly, together and about Barney struggling too when you falter. It's a real eye opener isn't it. We tend to think we are the only one struggling.

    This was hard to go through, but you did so together..maybe not straight away but you did work through it together and I know you will continue to do so and I'm sure it will make you even stronger.

    You're right, it isn't always like the fairytales. Well, you know where we are right now, which is starting over, trying to find what ttwd looks like for us.

    Love and hugs

    1. My hip is so much better every day Roz. Thanks As far as Barney and I go, our lives are back to normal...well as normal as they can be now that summer break is pretty much upon us!

      I wish you luck with your rebuild Roz. I know it isn't easy for either of you!


  5. Hey Willie,
    First off let me say that I got a new phone that I am still figuring out and have not loaded in my emails and apps yet, can't chat right now.
    Yeah, invisibility, that cloak keeps getting thrown over me and I get all tangled up in it.
    He has feelings?!!!! Huh, go figure.
    Barney, I am not speaking for Willie here but in a general sense, you are not expected to take the blame for everything. Just by acknowledging our feelings and our right to feel them removes some of that invisibility. The feelings may not be right or justified but they are ours and recognizing them recognizes us as individuals. Believe me, I grew up in a family that continually dismissed my feelings, and when you negate someone's feelings you negate them. Not saying you did that, Willie had to share her feelings with you first. : )
    I am so glad your back is better Willie. Who knows what could have caused it. I once slipped a disk in my lower back picking up my son. I did it right but suddenly "pop". I was in excruciating pain for two days waiting for Monday to go to the doctor. Then I sneezed and "pop" the disk slipped back into place. It could have been the simplest thing and you will probably never know.
    I am happy for you and Barney taking your first steps back to your normal. ; )
    Love ya,

    1. Thanks Blue Bird. I look forward to the day we can chat again. LOL.

      I *think* for Barney that the 3 months were very difficult for him too. As much as we tried to be open with each other, we started to drift a bit at the end. Pent up frustrations concerning life and the life as we knew it were stacking up on both sides. I was worried about summer vacation last week and he calmly said, " Hey we made it through the past 3 months, summer will be a piece of cake." and then laughed. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeat! Meh...time will tell!

      Yes our normal is pretty much there. I mean again as much as it can be with kids and exams and stresses, BUT we see a light at the end of the tunnel. All is good!

      Loves ya too!

  6. Ah, Willie, this post made me think of that saying a friend told me many years ago, "Sometimes life isn't about knowing the answers, but living the questions". Definitely easier said than done. You've had a helluva time of it; you both have. I'm so glad to read of the progress that's come as a result of what appears to be a major breakthrough.

    Love and Warm Hugs to you,

    1. Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadie Lady!!!! Welcome back to the land of the living!!!!

      Yes it has been one heck of a 3 months, of course I hesitate to say that to *YOU*. Oh well I mean I haven never really chosen the easy way to go about things, so why start now? snort. I do think we came out of this different. How I am not entirely sure just yet...time will expose that I suppose.

      I look forward to seeing you around more again woman...don't disappear!


  7. Hey Willie

    That's some pretty deep stuff! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with the anxiety and uncertainty of returning to the lifestyle. So many emotions and feelings twirling. Anxiety sucks, I know. I will pray for healing for your hip and that you'll understand just how valuable you are to your friends AND your husband.

    Press on!
    Love ZBG

    1. Well actually we HAD such a hard time. That is in the past. By the time I wrote this post the dust was beginning to settle. I suppose I always knew we would return to the physical aspects of this life, I just had to work out things in my head for the rest. All the while we were still going through the motions of ttwd.

      As for anxiety...yup it sucks big time. I am also glad that the majority of that is on the back burner now. Ttwd really helps keep things in perspective that way!

      Thanks Paige

  8. I'm glad things are headed back to normal. With Barney and the pain. Invisibility sucks unless you're a super hero (I wish I were a super hero) and I do know how it feels.

    Next time lets skip the melodrama and just get brightly colored capes!!

    1. What ? No melodrama? Where is the 'fun' in that? And capes? Have you not heard what a complete and utter klutz I am? I can't possibly do a cape!!!

  9. I want to "like" Cygnet's comment! Kinda dead on. Period.

    It would be impossible for you and Barney to come out of this the same, to go back to ttwd as it was 3 months ago. A different kind of processing takes place when we live ttwd without the physical part. Something that was a constant, that kept you fairly open and communicating--it stopped--and honestly, I think you handled yourself pretty well. You owned the physical pain, you owned some emotional sadness and insecurities. That there was a full on are a handful you know. ;)

    I will count on you to dig and and deal if tomorrow sucks or celebrate with pure sassiness if it doesn't. Who YOU are is of great value. I'll say it again tomorrow and next week and next year.

    1. A handful? Moi? Pfft~ Pot................kettle. And yes! to Cygnet's comment!!!

  10. Weck, heck. You made me cry in recognition, understanding and something suspiciously akin to sympathy. Dabb you. Pfft and sniffles.

    I should write more - as you posted this directed toward sharing experiences and possible insight for others in the struggle - you know, my own opinions, observations, snags, victories, what the heck evers. I don't think I am ready again to step outside my bubble where I believe myself to be safe from...spiny reactions to opening up.

    So, just hugs. I am happy you moved another level past whatever all of that was. I hope you both are in a good place at the time you read this, and that your back and hip and any other nastier twinging body parts are on the mend.


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    1. (duplicate post)

      Sorry I made ya cry Irishey, especially after you have been MIA for so long! I wouldn't even begin to suggest that you write. I actually forgot you had a blog once upon a time! *wink*.

      Nice to see you again!