Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Willie~ the Enemy

I grew up on a lake, well a couple of blocks from one.  I spent most of my childhood in or on that lake.  It is huge, and shallow.  The type of lake you can swim forever in because you are never very far from a sandbar.  The fun, and issue with a huge, shallow lake is waves.  Near shore the fun  is never ending riding the waves ( okay not surfing strength, but body surfing).  The issue being that in the middle of the lake storms come seemingly out of nowhere and you could very well find yourself bailing your boat as waves crash over it.  I have experienced that as a child, and thankfully did not realize the actual danger we were in at the time.  Many people have lost their lives on this lake, not heeding the 'wave report' on the radio.  Yes along with the weather every morning they used to give the height of the waves on the lake- in metres.

( not huge waves but the only decent photo I have of the lake at the moment )

The bonus of this lake, despite the dangers, is that being shallow it is also VERY warm.  Okay, by the middle of summer, it still is in Canada after all.  It does freeze quickly due to the shallowness of it.  The bottom that isn't covered by polished pebbles is very hard under your feet.  All in all it is a pleasurable lake. You just have to always respect it and proceed aware and cautiously.

I was going to begin by saying lately I feel like I have been tossed around by the waves of this lake.  Completely caught off guard by life.  Every time I think I have my footing on the hard sand bottom, I get knocked over by another wave.  However, I feel more like I have ventured into the ocean, unwillingly ( and  for those who know me know it would have to be).  I have been to almost my knees once in the ocean~ a little phobia of mine.  The waves are far different than that of a lake in the way that they pull the sand with them as they recede back out.  THAT is what I have been feeling.

I am facing the waves, as you should never turn your back on them.  I see them coming, but what I wasn't prepared for, was the pull under my feet as they receded.

After our trip from the cabin, I wanted to believe that all would be good.  Life had other plans for us.  Many of the issues we were dealing with before, are still there ( non Dd related) but were 'frozen' if you will for a time.  They would rear their head in other ways, but I could tuck them away if I chose to, or so I told myself.

When I wrote my last post, I knew in my heart there were still things holding us both back.  I couldn't shake the way Barney's words made me feel that morning.  The accusation in his tone.  My mind tried to tuck that away, but it couldn't. " How could he seriously still think that of me?" kept coming to mind.  I pulled away.  He tried, but I was frozen.

It was about this time that someone I love very deeply, began  struggling medically and has had to face some very difficult decisions for herself and her family.  Some of them have moral implications to others.  I am not here to judge her on what she and her husband deem best for their little family.  I am ONLY concerned with how every aspect of this situation will affect her and her heart.  She is very much like me in so many ways.  I could see her shutting down right before my eyes, and I can't say I can blame her.  She kept/keeps preparing for the worst, and test results were confusing at best so the worst appeared to be coming her way no matter what.  But as we know, you can't prepare for those times.  You THINK you can but you really can't.  Right now we are in a day to day situation, and I pray for the best possible outcome, but if that isn't possible I pray for this to end in the best possible way for her.  Regardless she is not going to come out of the other side the same person.

When she initially called me with the first test results, actually texted me because she couldn't find her voice it was so scary,  I called Barney at work.  I barely got the words out myself.  There was nothing he could do from work, or even if he was at home.  I just couldn't go through this alone.   When he arrived home after work, he found me in a ball on our bed.  The tears wouldn't stop.  I was chanting, " I don't want this for her".  I felt sick.  I wanted to take her fear and pain away more than anything that day~ I still do.  For whatever reason, that 'breakdown' allowed Barney to focus on the core of me.  Not the partially frozen woman he had been with since the cabin.

The next day talked and we talked. He declared that we were going to get 'serious' with ttwd again.  It is so difficult, as many of you know during the summer.  Even more so this year with issue after issue, wave after wave.   Eventually after a really serious and difficult discussion Barney decided he needed help to gain my trust back.  I didn't lose all of my trust at the cabin.  I'm not THAT fragile.  It just appeared that that was the final straw.

One day he decided that he needed to reset the situation.  I complied.  Hoping against anything that this would set us back in the right direction.  There had been so many hurt feelings and words.  I am not sure others would consider what was said 'hurtful' words,  but they stung for me.  Half way through an intensely physical but not emotional spanking, Barney stopped so I could 're-sensitize' ( side-note if he never utters that word again it will be too soon).  As I lay there and he sat across the room, I got up and started rifling through his night stand.  For whatever reason he didn't declare I get back into position, he just watched.  After much searching I found what I was looking for, a little notebook of his from our first year in Dd.  We had been struggling ( snort~ when have we NOT?).  He was trying to 'reach' me (snort ~when is he NOT?) with no success.  We had sat down and I told him what words he had used in the past and how they affected me.  He wrote them down in this book, and used them for a while until things became second nature. I tossed the notebook at Barney,he looked perplexed.  " Read it" ( he wasn't impressed by my tone, but only the look indicated that)

" Yeah I haven't said those things in a very long time. But as I recall it became robotic after a while"

(During resets in the past he would utter words of reassurance.  He would congratulate me on things I had done, changes I was allowing and embracing within.  There were comments about things that needed to change and how he was in control, but overall that was the 'feeling' surrounding it).

" You see me as the enemy. That is what the issue is here. You don't see me as the soft woman inside you used to. You see me as someone who needs to be conquered and crushed. You have lost the entire point of this thing we do. It all makes sense now that you throw around, "manipulative, controlling" and whatever other gems you have tossed in my direction lately. When you are talking and spanking you are accusing me of things, no wonder I won't ...can't let go. I am becoming defensive"

And shock of all shocks, he agreed! For the first time he sat there spoke about how I was right. He did so without belittling himself. We discussed how different things have become. He said he realized somewhere along the line, he crossed a line in his mind.

It wasn't like we or I was saying there there are not times where there will be and SHOULD be conversations about me trying to take control etc...but it was at the point that every situation had me in control in his mind. In his mind if I voiced my opinion to a question HE asked, I was trying to take control. Nothing I did was right. I would stay quiet...that was wrong. I would speak, I attacked him...and I know darn well I wasn't.

I told him the difference between the two types of spankings were really his motivation behind them. Before there was just as much pain, in fact there was more pain, but there was also a sense of calm. By that I mean I fought the pain and finally let myself succumb to it, as opposed fighting him~fighting how I was viewed by him. He agreed to all of it. Sincerely

When he spoke he said he was sorry. He told me he had apologized before but it was difficult to mean it when you really don't know what you are sorry for. He said he knew he was to blame back then, but how or why he wasn't entirely sure. This actually made sense. I was his opponent. I was feeding off of his emotions, which I have a tendency to do. So of course it was never going to work.

I explained that breaking down my walls was not the same thing as crushing me. He did think somewhere along the line he changed his views from dominating to help me, to dominating to crush and that was the key to success. That if I screwed up it was an out and out challenge of his authority rather than my head not being in the right place. Like I said I also made sure to tell him I do know there are times and should be times when things will happen that seem similar and he will fight me and have to feel like I am the opponent, but that can't be the feeling ALL the time.

Basically he agreed that there was no way I was going to let my guard down to someone who appeared to have animosity toward me. Even if he didn't believe he did outside of ttwd, during any sort of spanking or correction of any sort he did. There could be no vulnerability allowed, no safety net if I felt I was being attacked. Not to say he couldn't or shouldn't be angry with me, but for the 'right' reasons if that makes sense.

He told me that I have an extraordinary ability ( yeah flattery will get you no where to verbalize my emotions and it is daunting at times to communicate with a person who can dance circles around him as far as communication goes. Becoming defensive in this area and seeing those conversations as attacks probably started this downward spiral of negativity. I suppose maybe he felt that if it appeared if I had the upper hand with communication then I had the upper hand in the relationship. Which to me is ridiculous,  because I have always felt in  our relationship communication is 50/50 to work. There is no upper hand. When it comes to trying to keep our marriage working, there is no submission. But I know he struggles with that, and I know he's not alone in that aspect.

So there you go right? Problem solved?  Oh people, are you new here?  We did feel like a huge weight was lifted off of our shoulders.  We felt so much closer.  However, once again the ocean took the sand out from beneath my feet.  This time perhaps I wasn't paying attention to the waves.  Life again shook me.

( intermission break for those who need to pee, or you know SHAVE)

I have often said that I am more of the building walls with these type of lego

as opposed to these

Bit by bit, hurt, fear, situations have me laying down my little bricks. These bricks are so tiny at times even I don't know I am laying them.  Sure I have moments where the large Duplo bricks are laid down.  Obvious situations.  The difference being that THIS wall is faster to build, and consequently faster and easier to tear down.

As opposed to this wall, where you have to get in between ever little block that is clinging to the other for dear life it seems.

After less than stellar punishment spanking, and miscommunication on other fronts, I decided I needed air to breathe.  I went of a walk, alone.  I thought about many things and people in my life.  Mostly I thought about me.  I realized the 'state' I was in needed to be altered.  I also knew that only *I* could start tearing these little bricks apart from one another.  

That is exactly what I have been trying to do for the past two weeks.  I have picked back up my book,  The Ecstasy of Surrender ( Not a D/s book)  In it the author describes how to do a 3 minute mediation when you feel the need to control a situation.  I have been using it to calm my often irrational emotions.

 It has helped ! While my hip isn't co-operating, I am desperately trying to get outside and at the very least sit, and read or write, if not walk short distances.

 In addition I have been trying to write every day ( and um, may be failing a bit in that department as of late).  It hasn't been easy as Barney has often read what I have written, causing a little bit of angst here and there.  Fortunately we eventually worked through that too. Saying it wasn't pretty is a huge understatemen. I recognize I am happier if I can free my brain of excess.  All of these 'little things' help that. 

Barney has said I have become more positive again.  He in turn has stepped it up a tad as well. Perhaps stepping it up isn't the correct terminology, he has become clearly invested, with conviction. I don't mean the physical parts of ttwd have increased tenfold, but the benefits of communication, even BAD communication has.    

We have continued with our discussions about that day when I said I felt like he viewed me as an opponent.   I believe he became a bit confused by it all.  I had told him that punishment for some rules seemed mundane, but I worded that poorly.  I didn't get the point across to him that I do believe in those punishments it is just that I become resentful if he is willing to spank me for going to bed 10 minutes late, but not for acting in a way that damages more than our dynamic, but our actual RELATIONSHIP.   I told him I felt we were beyond me 'building' him up and taking a punishment for that purpose alone if his demeanor wasn't helping my submission.  I felt that those punishments, again because I could basically tell him to jump in the lake with no accountability, were causing me resentment.  NOT because I felt I didn't deserve them, but because he refused to seem to step in when I felt ugly and unlovable, acting in a way that wasn't truly representative of who I am.

The other day after a 'silence' standoff, he began to talk to me.  I know what you are thinking, I wasn't pouting, I wanted in HIS head for a change. I said to him I wasn't talking because I wanted to hear what he had to say first.  Boy did I hear what he had to say.  For the first time that I can recall, he clearly stated his objective.  He told me he was going to do everything in his power to regain my trust.  He told me in part, how he planned to do that.  He said that he was aware inconsistency in the past has made it difficult for me to trust enough to let go.  He said he didn't blame me for not trusting him.  He clearly stated that he was going to EARN my trust and by doing so I was going to feel free to be me more often than not.  Most importantly he said all of this with conviction and without apology.

Do I know where we are heading now? LOL. Who ever does?  I do feel more like I am back standing in the lake as opposed to the ocean with the 'moving' bottom.  I know that the waves are going to knock me and us over again and again.  That is just life. But, I am hopeful that throughout it all I will not start to silently build my mini lego walls again. ( Nothing like wrapping it up with two lame analogizes in the same paragraph).  I will continue to work on myself, because I know Barney can't do it alone.   I don't expect him to.  I am responsible for my own piece of mind and lighter heart~  some days I just need a bit of help.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

A Cabin in the Woods ( no serial killer, but a murder almost happened)

You know, it seems a little awkward writing here.  I'll give it my best shot, but really I am unsure of the final result.  I can't remember the last time it has felt like this to blog, or if it ever has.

Last weekend Barney and I had the opportunity to go away.  ALONE.  We have been away alone before, but we were never really alone.  We had gone to functions, with other couples, family, whatnot, but this time we went away ALONE, with only each other.  To a cabin in the woods.

With NO visible neighbours!

The cabin was actually very sweet.  It did have its tiny issues, ( I wasn't crazy about a little bit of damp smell that came from the main floor~ So we ate, slept and lounged in the loft).  We arrived the Friday night around 7:30, had a small bite to eat and then moved on to playtime.

I will admit here that playtime is something new for us.  That is not to say that Barney and I don't goof around with each other.  That is not to say I am not a playful brat etc.  I mean actual PLAYtime with a purpose in mind.

I am not a fan of what I refer to as The Whip 'n Dip....(others call it a Good Girl Spanking).  I cannot wrap my head around the situation if there is back and forth action.  It confuses me and as a self professed control freak, confusion causes anger to a degree.  That is also not to say that after a reset spanking his dominance does not continue and it is very exciting in that situation.  NO, I just can't do Whip 'n Dip at this particular time.

Playing was something completely different all together.  I have to be honest, even if it is totally unbelievable in this case, outside of spending a great deal of quality time together, I really did not have any expectations of how the weekend would go. Life around here seems to be one thing after another, after ANOTHER.  Some days it has been a matter of just trying to focus on placing one foot in front of the other.  Other days it is completely unbearable to let your mind wander.  As usual I can claim *we* are okay, as a team, individually sometimes it feels like life is playing a cruel joke on us. 

( Please don't feel like you have to comment on that.  I really don't want it to be the focal point of my post because it really isn't.  I mention it because of the emotional toll the past few months have taken on me.  In this case, made me too exhausted to have expectations beyond the fact that I wanted to be away from all negativity that has been circling us...if only for 48 hours)

The day before we left on our SEXventure, Barney stopped off at the local saddlery and picked up 2 items, suggested by 'friends' .  One she suggested.  One HE did a long while back.  I bet you I can tell you which one had more, um , IMPACT.

Naturally Barney decided to try the more impact-ful thing first. Oh right...he bought a quirt.  Sounds like a funny little word doesn't it?  I saw the price tag, not a huge investment, clearly THAT should be an indication of it's pain factor right?  

Because this was really our first time playing, Barney didn't restrain me.  He wanted me to be able to move and react if necessary.  Don't get me wrong in a reset spanking or even the odd punishment he has no issue restraining me, but I BELIEVE he said it was important for me to have one sensation at at time.  Perhaps it was a need of his too, to only think he was doing one thing 'to' me at a time? I have no clue.

I will tell you that after that first crack from the quirt, I was no longer in position.  On top of that, I also was NOT quiet.  I actually screamed.  Now don't get all upset here, it was more like the scream I make when I am startled, high and LOUD.  It actually took me by surprise (the scream).  So much so I began to laugh.  OH make no mistake it hurt like a bugger, but my reaction surprised me.  Normally I am known to be more on the stoic side of things, especially in pain.  I rolled over, rocking clinging to the cheek he struck.....I believe there was a lot of " ow, ow, ow. that REALLY hurt"  No there was no " It is a spanking it is supposed to hurt" lines, as it wasn't really a spanking.  

Barney, his reaction?  He laughed.  There were comments made about how great 'this thing is' and how shocked he was at my reaction.  Then I was told to get back into position.  Time and time again my reaction was the same.  I thought that maybe eventually I would get used to it.  You know like a spanking.  NOPE.  I told him I needed new friends.  He countered with " He is an evil GENIUS !" 
Barney repeatedly told me how he loved my reactions.  That gave me the courage to get back into position every time.  I wasn't afraid of him, or the situation, but c'mon who WANTS to feel pain?  LOL. 

I did tell him that I could see how brutal this implement would be if it were used under different emotional circumstances, and of course if he MEANT each strike to drive a point home.  I said I'd probably have my defensive anger reaction to it in those circumstances.  That night however I was thoroughly enjoying how much fun my husband seemed to be having.  Complicated really because I really wasn't enjoying the quirt, in any sort of sexual way.  I wasn't even really sure I was enjoying being THAT submissive.  I was enjoying his enjoyment.  Which I have been told about, but until really in a more intense situation, I couldn't understand.  

So Friday night was new and fun.  Not too mention exhausting! Saturday, I woke, without a mark on me by the way, and we set out to a local market.  Initially when we arrived, I didn't want to head in.  It wasn't full of people, so it wasn't the crowded situation that had me hesitant.  I couldn't disappear in there.  There were only about 10 or 12 vendors so once you entered, you would be seen.  Barney pulled me forward.  Initially I did a quick around about in there and headed back out.  I was disappointed, more in myself I'd suppose that I didn't want to stay for Barney's sake.  The only thing that changed my mind about not leaving was a vendor who did tiny, quirky wood carvings.  I wanted something she had, but she was off for a moment so we had to wait.  Another vendor who made organic breads and pastries offered coffee and tea as well.  Barney purchased us some breakfast and we sat at a picnic table while we waited for this odd little carving lady to return.  The pastries were delicious!  Well worth the awkwardness for me to be sitting at a huge picnic table among locals that all knew each other.

I am happy we waited.  We talked to many vendors.  One of which had picked blueberries in the remote Northern town where my Mother was born.  Population, 500, so not many people know of this place.  We chatted for a long time with this man.  He and I exchanged many stories about the North.  Later the carving lady and a few other vendors asked me questions, "I heard you say you were from the North"...and another conversation would begin.  All in all it was a wonderful morning.

When we arrived back to our cabin we decided to have a light lunch and play a bit more.  Sadly I think maybe I had a bit TOO much lunch for playing.  Live and learn.  This time Barney decided to use what my girl friend had suggested.  This time he had me standing, once again not restrained but with my hands on the slanted ceiling.  Over time it was a difficult position to maintain.  The item he used took a bit of skill to use successfully.  Initially that time I don't believe it was being used properly, ( he later practiced and the next session was different).  Some of his whacks didn't feel right and YES I did share that with him.  All of them stung.  Nothing , NOTHING like the quirt.  He did get his reactions, just different ones.

My reactions are really what I wanted to write about. As usual I have taken the round about way to get here.  This time it was completely different.  I don't know how or even IF I want to get into what I felt inside of me while this was happening.  I am unsure how to word it, to explain to someone who ha never had it happen to them. 

  This 'session' shone a bright light into a deep cavern for a mere moment.-

 like striking a match in a cave.  It only happened briefly, but just like the match flare in complete darkness, it lingered.  The memory of it lingered.  Perhaps it was fear and confusion that  initially extinguished the match. 

 As the playtime continued, I thought back and forth about the 'flash' I thought I saw or rather felt.  I suppose the best way to say it is, the flare provided a flash of light to show a path to ME.  Corny I know.  But that is the overwhelming feeling I had and still have.

Submissives will often comment on how spankings can break down walls, and allow them out, me included. The comparison of how I felt, albeit very briefly, that day compared to how I feel after a successful spanking, well it would be like comparing your favourite uncle pulling a nickle out from behind your ear as a child,  to seeing David Copperfield perform.  I am not reducing the wonder of the magic your uncle can produce or the feelings achieved by that, merely trying to explain the difference in depths this 'feeling' conjured up.  ACTUALLY the light toward the feeling.  Not even the exploration of me, but rather the fact that there was much more.

Sigh, this probably makes no sense to most of you.  Maybe I am just an extremely slow learner when it comes to self actualization, and many of you have seen this part of you not long after starting ttwd.  This to me goes beyond 'peeling' back the layers of an onion.  During that process I always suspected there was more.  I longed for the more.  I knew I needed it to cultivate a better relationship with not only my husband but those around me.  I can't even say I feel I have peeled back all the layers and now I am moving deeper.  This to me feels like a completely different path, which has to be taken before I can go back to 'peeling' successfully. 

Anyway, I am rambling and getting too caught up in the explanation.  After the 'session' ( I really need to come up with a different word for it) Barney told me to nap for a while.  I had been up most of the night with an extremely annoying throat~ the one where you have to continually swallow.  He told me to nap because I was going to need my strength.  The entire day he kept hinting about the next adventure we would be taking.  As he was leaving me he grabbed something we had bought before I hurt my back.  He mumbled something about figuring it out or straightening them out...not sure I was off to lala land by then. 

A storm had rolled in while I was napping.  I woke to find my husband ready for action again.  LOL.  Oh well, that was the point right?  Reconnecting!  This playtime was actually much less intense.  It as more him trying out the second implement properly and in a less severe way.  Basically we were just both goofing around.  There were a few intense moments, when I wasn't doing what I was supposed to ...( who me?  I know ....clearly he had lost his mind.  I ALWAYS do what I am supposed to)

In the kitchen later Barney started asking me a few questions.  Questions I really didn't have the answers to.  The question, 'Did you like it?' perhaps would have been a tad easier to answer than, " How do you feel?".  Even then, me being me, I have to complicate things as a rule anyway! I tried in vain to explain that I wasn't sure how I felt.  I enjoy his reactions, but this playing was vastly different than a reset.  As this is all new, and I was trying to be there for him as 'his' for his enjoyment, I wasn't sure how I felt about the pain.  First off I knew I didn't like it, which was not a surprise for either of us, but my mind was not just trying to conquer it like it so often can during a spanking.  My mind was a little all over the place, and perhaps that is why I didn't have any sort of release from it. ~ unlike the majority of spankings.  I told him I was confused and wanted to talk to a friend about some of the conflicting feelings I had, because I didn't know what I was feeling concerning myself.   At the time I couldn't have put into words about the match and the cave, like I did here.  I just knew my feelings were vastly different. Actually that is inaccurate. I SUSPECTED my feelings were different.  Something was, I just didn't know what.

Outside, the storm continued to gain strength.  We decided to have some wine and cheese on the floor in front of the fake fireplace ( it was too hot for any real fire anway).  I was more than content to just have that for dinner.  Barney joked that he NEEDED his steak as he required protein to keep up his strength.  The power went out briefly.  The cell service, which was choppy at best in this cabin was down.  It was at THIS time that our boys were invited to go away for a couple of days, and I had to converse with them off and on for an hour via the computer to get their lives organized.  Barney grilled our steaks.  LOL

After dinner, which was a lovely time, chatting about all sorts of things, I had to finalize a few details with the friends who were taking the boys in the morning.  We had hoped not to return home right away in the next day.  Barney had mentioned something during the day about a thorough r/a session or reset before returning home.  I believe his comment was, " Give you something to think about as you sit on a sore bum for the hour and a half drive".  I had also hoped to hike a few trails in the area ( I guess with a sore bum) before heading back to the city.  With the boys leaving in the morning we needed to cut the next day short ( I thought by a few hours, Barney I found out later meant up and out ), because of our dog.

Eleven o'clock had me still sitting around, and Barney having a Grand Marnier.  By this point I was really tired.  Normally I am in bed around 10 pm.  It looked to me that Barney had no intention of anything other than sipping on his liquor, so disappointed I got up and got ready for bed.  I kissed him goodnight and rolled over on my side, away from him.  I really was disappointed and for lack of a better word SAD.  I don't believe I was being sulky or snooty.  I just wanted to seize the opportunities we had in such a short period of time.  

He leaned over from behind me and asked me what was wrong.  Of course this would have been the perfect opportunity to be open and honest, but I couldn't.  I mean honestly, what if he then said, 'okay let's go then?"  how would I have felt? Probably like he was doing it for me not because he wanted too.  I suppose I just WANTED him to want to.  He couldn't see my face but I did have tears. 

The next thing I experienced was the blankets being torn away from my body, and me being flipped over.  I BRUTAL whack came down on my backside from a rubber paddle.  He continued to rein down smacks, while by brain was racing  ...what the hell is going on?  I am disappointed that we aren't connecting and now I am being punished ( okay don't go there about the whys, this was in the moment these things were entering my mind...)???  Barney didn't say, he was spanking me to get answers, he was spanking me because he thought I was pissed off at him for not getting my own way.

I began to fight him.  I mean I fought him like I have never fought him before.  I bucked, and pinched, and dug my non-existent nails into his arm.  I grabbed the string on the handle of the the paddle, not letting go even though it was cutting into my skin.  At one point I grabbed my ankles, bringing my feet up so there was no where he was comfortable to strike.  To his credit, I suppose, lol, Barney did not give up.  He fought back too.  He pinned me. He sat on me.  He demanded I stop fighting, because I was going to get hurt.

He also lectured.  He said that if I was going to act like a brat I was going to be spanked like one.  Granted at the time, wrestling with all my might, I wasn't really the picture of submissiveness, but I was still confused as to the original punishment.  When he initially started to spank he had said, " I should have done this a while ago".  I thought we were having a great weekend.  I wasn't withdrawn, so I was very confused by that and the sudden onslaught of punishing swats.  I tried to explain, although probably not in my most submissive way, between screaming, "GET OFF OF MY LEGS!" and " YOU JUST HIT MY HIP!" that I wasn't being pouty ( probably 'you ass' was in there too), I am just disappointed!.  He then countered with " You are disappointed because you didn't get what you wanted.  You are disappointed because you couldn't control the outcome"  or something along that line.  I lost it at this point.  LOL....I know right?  Like I hadn't before ? snort.  I screamed at him, well the best I could being pushed down face first into a bed.


At that point he stopped.  The result of many emotions flowing down my face in a stream of tears.

"Go to sleep"  

And he turned off the light closest to the bed.  Go to sleep?  Was he out of his mind ?  Oh sure honey, as soon as the sweat dries on me, I'll just pleasantly drift off to la la land again. Pfft.  I lay there huffing and crying for a bit

 Once he climbed in bed for the night, I grabbed my robe and went down the stinky main floor.  A while later he came down.  We chatted for a bit.  Well mostly he talked.  It ended with " You can't sleep down here, get your ass back upstairs to bed'.  After enough time passed to show a tad bit of defiance,

 yup because I can be like that, I went upstairs to bed.  He followed and quickly fell alseep.   Downstairs I went again.  How DARE he?  Just sleep like that!

The next morning things were not much better.  We both danced around each other.  I was even more disappointed.  I wished to God I could have turned back the clock 12 hours.  All of the wonderful time we had before seemed to vanish from memory.  I began to wish we never came on this trip.  Initially I started with snide comments to provoke a conversation.  Not much success on that front.  Eventually I flopped down on the love seat and stared at the ceiling.  He began to talk.  I don't recall exactly what he said, but I countered.  He answered with a

" ...and if you say ONE F-you, that will be the last thing you ever say"

pfft.  I hadn't even thought about it...UNTIL THEN.

I found my words that were missing from the previous night.  I told him I didn't understand why he was so angry at the fact I was disappointed we wouldn't be spending time together in a way would could only do here.  I didn't understand how any man would be upset that his wife was disappointed because she wanted to BE with him.  I further went on to explain that when he said things like " I was trying to control the situation"  when I was merely disappointed, and sad, it hurt beyond belief.  It hurt that he still goes back to that feeling about me, years later.  It hurt that he assumes I am a shrew.  That is his go-to.  I do believe I added a 'thanks for that".  

I told him once again that I don't know if sharing with him is a good idea.  I believed that the day before in the kitchen when I told him I was confused, that stalled him.  I told him I thought maybe he was confused that he enjoyed playing more than he felt he should, and when I told him I was unsure of how I felt, he felt guilty.  

He assured me that was not the case at all. 

I said that I felt he chose himself over us when he continued to sit at the table enjoying his alcohol.  Not that I begrudge him relaxing, but this was something he could and did do at home.  I couldn't understand why he wouldn't want to be WITH me.  How he chose himself over us.  We didn't even have 48 hours alone, so why not make the best of it.  The way he suggested all day and into the evening?

Of course all of these things were said through tears and not in a great tone.  Not much was said from him that shone any light on the situation for me, so I stood up and said, " let's just get the hell out of here"

When we were pulling away from the cabin, I began to sob. " This is so not how I had envisioned leaving here.  At the moment I wished we had never come".  He nodded in agreement.

The next day was almost as awkward and equally painful.  Eventually we did talk a bit more.  Barney said he was just enjoying the moment of being so relaxed that evening...but through further conversation did say perhaps he was afraid.  He said he was afraid to screw things up.  To ruin the weekend ( and added he did so anyway).  Because we had to leave earlier in the morning than expected, he had planned on a 'severe' spanking that night.  This is why he drifted off with himself, ignoring me.  Based on what he was thinking, he is probably right, it might have added a bit of strain.  Although if he had only COMMUNICATED to me, perhaps not.

Barney told me the first 20 hours at the cabin were the most incredible days he has ever had.  He said he has never felt so free, uninhibited, and connected to me.  The playtime certainly did bring out this dominant nature.  I was smacked for being (playfully) sassy more times than I can count.  He seemed like a different man, but not.  He did seem very comfortable.  Things were very easy.  I am sure a great deal of it was because we were able to shut out the outside world, but there was more to it than that.

The next day he did dole out the 'severe' spanking he wanted to end the weekend with.  Initially I could feel him being tentative.  Which I understood considering all we had been through emotionally.  At the end he said, "you didn't even tense up like you normally do" .  I explained what I thought I felt.  The spanks themselves were stingy, probably because my bottom was tender from some of the weekend, but I felt he was tentative.  He told me to go and rest for a bit and we would revisit this.  About 40 minutes later we did.  He wasn't tentative at all in his strikes, but more importantly was he in his words.

  Summer vacation tends to have things a little disorganized around here.  Couple that with dodging bullets that life has decided to continue to shoot our way, well things are different.  Currently we both have colds ( mine started before our trip) so we don't have the energy for much as it is.  I have been reflecting on many things since our cabin however.

I used to wonder about the effects of boot camp that people tried ( not going to get into the debate about boot camp).  I remember once asking a friend of mine how she felt weeks after.  I explained to her, " Because I think for me, I would be more upset that some of the intensity/attention began to drift off after.  I would be thinking, 'but you were able too last week' ".  She agreed that they did have this issue on more than one occasion.

Upon returning from the cabin, after my reset, I found myself poking a bit.  Playing but perhaps with a bit more edge than I should have had.  I don't believe I really wanted a spanking, because when he said severe, he MEANT it...I did NOT want something on top of that.  I think I just longed for the connection we felt those first 20 hours at the cottage.  At the cottage, I wasn't the only one who didn't have a barrier.  It was very freeing, even with my confusion.  

Our friend George once said men and women often view gift giving differently.  A man might present a car to his wife, and think in his mind he is set for a very long time.  A woman on the other hand generally prefers multiple smaller gifts.  Not that she doesn't appreciate the grandness of a car, but a hand picked flower one day, and a chocolate the next means more to her.  I think maybe this is part and parcel of what went on at the cabin, and my poking actions after.

Barney still says to me, " I can't get over how quickly you slide"  I always counter, " it isn't that quickly"  So this just gives you an indication of how differently we see things.

I don't need GRAND elaborate playtimes ( although VERY enjoyable for whatever reasons I enjoyed them), but I do need constant attention.  I am not certain many men fully comprehend that fact.  Spreading attention, small bits has a longer lasting effect that ONE big event.  Don't get me wrong the BIG event will bring people back together but the little things keep you where you want to be.

As for my confusion-  the deep cavern within me I caught a glimpse of?  I am not sure it will be explored for a very long time~  if ever.  I say this because I think there needs to be a prolonged period of 'attention' and little distraction for this to happen.  Not to mention an incredible amount of trust.  Most of which I have to be willing to give, not necessarily after *I* feel it has been earned by my husband.  For someone like me, that is the most difficult thing to give, and I don't even know where to begin.

But perhaps more importantly, first I should create this as my mantra...