Monday, January 4, 2016

I AM! ....and terrified



I am not entirely sure how I am going to 'pull off' this post.  I can guarantee you two things.  The first being that it will NOT be about a  melting submissive in a rainbow and sparkles, sexy Dd relationship.  NOW, don't misunderstand there are wonderful times that happen in our home, but there are plenty of blogs out there that discuss 'the wonder of ttwd' in hundreds of posts.  The second is, it isn't going to be a post about doom and gloom either.  This post is, well about ME..( ....and we've lost 10 of our 15 readers .LOL)

So many things happened last year, within the context of our relationship, but also externally.  I was counting the days for 2015 to be a page in the history books. An odd thought really, that switching from 15 to 16 was going to make any more difference than sunrise on any given day.  While I was pondering why I thought this would bring a monumental change in our lives, and being annoyed that by January 3rd it hadn't, I decided to focus on what I could positively take away from 2015.

Out of great adversity can come some great discoveries.  Okay well I didn't discover oil or anything on our property that would make us rich, but I discovered a lot about myself.  Actually that isn't accurate.  I allowed myself to not only SEE myself, but as I say to my girl friend over and over again, I have let it 'settle in my bones'.

Phew...Here goes nothing, (but this really won't be the bulk of my post I promise).  I. AM. SUBMISSIVE.  Sure, sure, big deal right?  No HONESTLY.  I find 'here' many spit that word out like it is something to be ashamed of or on the other side of the coin, like they should wear a giant S on their chest.  I don't believe either.  I am short. I am somewhat entertaining, I am creative.  I am submissive.  It is just another one of my traits.  It doesn't make me better. It sure as hell doesn't make me weaker.  It is just who I am, no disclaimers.

 Now of course many would be thinking, "Um Willie you have been living ttwd for over 3 years and you just figured this out?"  Yes, and.... NO.  I mean I don't DESIRE to be submissive.  I. AM. SUBMISSIVE.  Moreover I OWN my submission.  What does that mean to me? It does not mean that it is a gift I am giving.  It means that I take responsibility for it.  Does that mean I don't need my husband?  Not at all.  It does mean however, that regardless of what he says or does, my submission is ME.  What I project out at times, however, can be an entirely different situation than what is going on inside.

So why is that?  Well I don't NEED his dominance to BE submissive BUT his dominance is a sign of his acceptance of my submission. His acceptance of me.  Many of you know I brought ttwd to my husband.  Yes, I wanted more connection with him, but even in my first few posts, I discussed how I needed help being me. Looking back that woman had no FREAKING clue what she was going to face, but the reasoning is still the same.  I needed him to be in charge, but as time as gone on, things have evolved greatly here.  Or maybe I have. I'm not sure.  I  often joke with friends, quoting the Good Witch from The Wizard of Oz, 


" You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself"



And nothing is more true in my case.

Before meeting people beyond the Dd realm of things, I had the misconception that D/s was about kink and the bedroom.  I suppose it can just be about that, but it isn't exclusive to that. A friend actually LAUGHED at me when I referred to us as 'trying more D/s stuff'.  I won't quote him because this was a year and a half ago, but basically he told me nothing more than, " You have always been D/s".  I had to think on that, a lot. It is true.  Barney ask/tells- I do.  I do if he is home.  I do if he isn't.  Am I perfect?  Are there times where I jump on the counter instead of getting the step stool?...Pfft!  Are you new here?  (Whoo hoo what a rush!  I'm kidding). But for the most part in our relationship's first couple of years with ttwd, there were not consistent consequences to my actions.  Save one.  ME.  Why then would I do all  most of what was asked of me if  I didn't 'fear' my husband's reaction?  ME.


So why do I need to be punished?  Why do I need to be reminded?   INSECURITY.  While all of this submission stuff has 'settled in my bones' and I realize it is who I AM, it doesn't mean I am always COMFORTABLE with who I am.   Barney's dominance,Barney's 'special' attention, does bring a greater connection to us.  Sure I feel special. loved, cherished, rainbows, sparkles..etc...but truthfully a great deal of that was there before, I just wasn't able to see/feel it. 

I don't require my husband to tear down walls anymore.  

Trust me those are gone, and some days what I wouldn't do for a good wall to hide behind!  More on that later.

His dominance is like a seam ripper to the cloth of insecurity I wrap myself in.  Without him being dominant, I am still submissive ( and no not always in actions, but in my core).  Nothing can change that, but plenty can suppress it.  Without his dominance, I begin to think, or create stories, or see things that aren't there. Insecurity starts and those voices of public opinion, of  weakness, of abnormality, REJECTION, get louder and louder.  His attentive behavior to my needs, tears the stitching of the insecurity blanket I am creating.




I should probably stop there and make two posts....but I'm not GOING TO!



The major 'issue', both Wonderful and Heartbreaking this past year was and continues to be my vulnerability and adjusting to life with it.   Looking back again to when I first brought ttwd to Barney, the night I finally found the courage to hand him the BOOK I created- that was the first openly, obvious, hit you over the head, vulnerable act I had done in ...well I am not sure how long.  As difficult as that was, at. the. time. ,it pales in comparison to actually LIVING vulnerable.  Of course it had to be done, to get me to this point and I can't dismiss the importance of that first vulnerable discovery to my growth.  But looking back, I almost blindly discovered it.



As time went on I suppose my vulnerability grew.  Or at least my perception of it did.  I am beginning to wonder if what I felt before WAS being vulnerable?  If it was, then perhaps there are varying levels of being vulnerable.

Let's go with that theory for today 

Is there a difference between being vulnerable and being embarrassed?  Could I have been masking embarrassment with the term vulnerability?  Could I have thought my need for him made me more vulnerable?  I honestly don't know.What I do know now is, this goes deep.  Deeper than I ever could have imagined, not that I imagined being vulnerable.  I suppose I thought, I don't know what I thought to be honest.




I created this graphic because this is how I feel I have evolved to where I am at the moment.  I was 'small' vulnerable before. As time, situations, resolutions, discoveries,  happened, being vulnerable grew. It stayed longer. But moreover I didn't realize there was another 'level' laying beneath. The colours are darker at the bottom of the first 3 vulnerables, because each time I thought I had gone to the bottom,`the foundation of this 'being vulnerable'. The last fully visible vulnerable, indicates how I see it now. Where I am now.

I am pretty secure,( I think, maybe, kind of) where I am with being vulnerable, hence the dark colour at the top of the word.  But in reality, the deeper I go,the more steps I take, the more I dig, the more I can't see the rest of it.  There is such an unsettling, wonderful, terrifying, enlightening, terrifying, feeling to it. 


I am going to do something I swore I would never do, post a definition.

"Vulnerable: susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm."  


That is the BIGGEST understatement I have ever read in my ENTIRE life.

Being this vulnerable trickles into EVERY aspect of my life.  I am not really referring to being anxious and masking it as being vulnerable.  Or at least I don't think I am.  Remember that  I. AM. SUBMISSIVE. 'stuff' I wrote of earlier?  Laying that out internally was huge.  The realization that I AM THIS, that with ttwd or not, I am SUBMISSIVE is an extremely vulnerable realization. There is no choice in the matter.  Let's face it it isn't the 'norm' .  I am not talking about people finding out.  I mean holding a mirror up to yourself and no longer seeing anything but YOU.  It is terrifying.  It is wonderful.  

It is confusing to explain, and lonely if you can't.

How to do you tell your husband how empowering yet raw existing in a constant state of vulnerable is?  That is perhaps  the difference here.  Before I had vulnerable moments.  Now it is part of me.  I am naked.  I am free and in the right hands it is wonderful, but my reaction is still to protect, only I can no longer do that. In the past 6 months I have taken to hiding LITERALLY.  I have been terrified that if my husband touches me I will crumble to dust. Terrified I am not strong enough to be this 'weak, and certainly not alone.  Dramatic much?  At times I have felt I had been held together with nothing more than rice paper. 


 I have hidden it the bowels of our house, in the dark.  Not WANTING to be discovered.  I no longer run to be chased.  I  have run in the hopes it would protect me.  It doesn't.  My insecurity voice just gets louder when I am alone, yet I feel safe because no one can add to it either.  Words spoken by others cut, especially from my husband.  Overly emotional, irrational come to mind here.  But I guarantee you what he says to me, though it echos in my head, pale in comparison to what I can think about myself.  ACCEPTING vulnerability isn't for the faint of heart.

Hey doesn't being THIS vulnerable stuff sound great?  I admit I have a few kinks to work out that is for sure.  The biggest is allowing my husband to see this



I have uttered phrases in the dark, that have surprised both myself and my husband over the past while.  " I don't know how to be "  It is like every nerve is exposed,  I know I am supposed to embrace this.  At times I crave accepting this more than just about anything, at other times...well


She shows up.  

Despite what I have written, I am not broken.  As said many times, it is something I am terrified to live with but terrified to live without.  I now lean much closer to terrifying to live without it actually.  I just have to adjust, and hopefully explain to my husband in a way he can fully understand.  He tries, don't mistake his words.  I know I haven't painted a picture of living vulnerable to this degree very well.  It almost does seem like doom and gloom.  

It isn't.  

Maybe I should have just said, it is like taking that first breath through your nose after using nasal spray.  It stings but it you can get so high on all that oxygen.


22 comments:

  1. I do think there are different levels of vulnerability and I think they all bring out different insecurities....we just gotta work through each one. I think I assume that if he doesn't know about them, then they (insecurities) won't be able to hurt me. Well, slap me silly because they are still there, hurting, even when he doesn't know about them! Duh. Lol

    I think a big part of my problem, at the moment, is admitting how much I need this. It's more than a craving. I had a hard time explaining it to him, but it's like you said, when I don't *feel* his dominance I start to think horrible things. I don't think this is uncommon, even for the experienced, but I do think it can take on different forms. Anyway, I told him...when we aren't active it feels like I'm holding onto the end of a rope as if my life depended on it. It takes up so much energy that I don't have enough for other stuff. I'm just too busy trying not to fall! Then, when we are active, I can let go of the rope and just float, falling isn't even an issue. Thinking further, it's very much like being in the middle of a hurricane vs a clear, warm summer day.

    He has called me impossible a few times, and even though it hurts when he says stuff like that, I can't really blame him for thinking it! I also think much worse about myself.

    I'm not sure I'm ready to embrace it, but I see the need for it!

    Thank you for writing this out!

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    1. I wasn't sure how to respond but this comment sums up much of what I was thinking. Vulnerability is very complex and I continually struggle with how vulnerable I'm willing to be.

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  2. Hi Misty!

    I'm happy you found your way here!! I agree I think there are various levels of vulnerability and they all come with their own brand of super power that we have to work through. Interesting how your mind works, that if your husband doesn't know about them you are off the hook for feeling them. I am the complete opposite, I assume because I am feeling these insecurities brought on by vulnerability, that is coursing through my veins at a rapid rate, how could he NOT see? lol And somehow I just pile that onto the hurt. Because I'm special that way ;)

    You know what? I don't think as time goes on any of us are immune to the fearful thoughts about how much we need this. The new person, or the person who years in thinks they should be past that, until they aren't. I like your visual. I often think of holding on to the side of a cliff. Sometimes I plummet down, other times there is a small ledge just feet below. I try to claw my way back up and I am good for a bit, but it is so much easier when he gives me a boost.

    As for the adjectives our husbands use...OF COURSE WE CAN BLAME THEM! LOL. I sometimes am tempted to THROW a thesaurus at mine. Again I am helpful like that.

    Well yesterday and today I am embracing, tomorrow who knows? Round and round we go, where we stop no body knows.

    Thanks so much for coming over Misty. Hope you find your way out of ther leery state you described on your blog soon!
    willie

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  3. Looks like you have come a very long way my friend.

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    1. ***Yay my favourite deviant is back! So excited to see you 'here' Betsy!

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    2. Oops sorry I forgot to comment on your ACTUAL comment. I have come a very long way, sometimes I forget that. Psst..it wasn't easy!

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  4. Wow Willie, this is such a great post and explanation of the different levels of vulnerability and insecurities that come with making yourself so vulnerable. I think when we start ttwd we underestimate just how vulnerable and open we will become and then struggle with insecurities about feeling vulnerable and 'needing' ttwd. Something we all struggle with. I'm so glad you posted this.

    This is such a great self reflective post also and I'm so glad you have a better understanding of 'you' and what makes you tick. You have both definitely come a long way.

    Wishing you, Barney and boys a very Happy New Year also. I hope 2016 willbe a wonderful year for you.

    Love and Hugs
    Roz

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  5. Hey Roz!

    I don't know Roz yesterday I was embracing my vulnerability today I think it might SUCK, and it is not even 6 am here. And to be honest I am not sure I did do a great job explaining it..LOL.. ( I'll email ya later,snort).

    It is interesting to really think about 'struggling for needing ttwd'. I no longer, I think, struggle with the fact that I NEED it. At least I don't think I do, as much. I struggle with the fact that where would I be or who am I without it? What would become of ME? I don't mean that in a selfish way, like relationship be damned. I mean it like, how would I still feel comfortable in my own skin? Will I get to a point in my 'growth' <- for lack of a better word, that I am SO comfortable with who I am if something were to happen to Barney, would I still embrace who I am? or would I just start closing up again?

    I hope you and Rick have a much less eventful year in 2016! And that all 'events' are of the great kind!

    Love
    willie

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  6. You amaze me! How you can write what so many of us truly feel. I am not sure I am truly submissive but I know deep down I truly want to be. I know for me if he isn't showing in any way he is the leader well then I can go into my own lil space and just be quiet. I have grown, before I usually said, wrote, or did something. When I can be "quiet" then my mind starts OVERthinking sometimes, I was not one to show vulnerability I sometimes can still have a difficult time showing it. I know it is not a weakness, I know you have to be strong to be submissive. I know him seeing that vulnerable part of me though has helped us both grow so very much. We "he" LOL still has a long way to go. LOL I truly love this post well you know I love everything you write. I can relate to you, you make is so real, and in doing so you let me know all is not perfect but growing, and growing is much more exciting than perfect IMO. You my friend should write a book!!!!!
    honey

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  7. Hey Lady!

    I'll try and type as fast as I can, I only have 5 minutes. As you know, say, I can be a bit verbose. I'll skip the thank yous for your kind words and get to the meat of your comment.

    I think for the longest time I just 'wanted' to be submissive. But honestly I don't think I understood so many things. I wouldn't let myself realize that I was. I had a picture in my head of what THAT was supposed to look like. I just KNEW there was something buried in me. This seemed like it might be a good 'fit' as I knew that I was really more carefree feeling around my more dominant male friends. Back then I think I referred to them as Alphas. They didn't 'scare' easily ..LOL I know you know exactly what I am talking about. What I am trying to say, with as many words possible just for you, is I think that many women who truly want to be deep down, ARE submissive, you just have to allow yourself out.

    Yes Lee is a HUGE part of that, but so are YOU...no lecture here on that though. I used to do the same thing when Barney 'disappeared'. I would write...then I moved to talking, then back to writing, then exploding, (which still may or may not happen at times *wink*). I think for *me* the best thing until I got to here ( which here is subjective to the day, and today is a pretty okay one vulnerability wise) was writing. When I gave that up I went quiet and as you said that isn't good for the mind at times. Lately I am forcing myself more and more to talk, because as much as I hate it ( oh shut it I mean with Barney) it keeps me more open and vulnerable to try and spit the words out. Mind you I am talking not shouting. I'll let you know what happens if I get angry, might go back to writing, 'folding' it into a ball and PITCHING it at him ;) ( real enough for you? lol)

    And this submissive is 5 minutes late for lights out. sigh..LOL

    willie

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  9. There are so many good comments and there is so much here to digest. You summed up much of what I feel at times. I'm still unsure of where I camp on the submission issue. Am I submissive? I'm not sure. I do know that I like his dominance and feel more secure when it's there. When he pulls back with it I miss it and tend to be a little more insecure. Great post. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. There is a blogger, and I won't bother linking her for fear people with dismiss her out and out because of the type of dynamic she has with her husband. I don't know her personally, and her blog doesn't generally run in the same circles as many of the ones in this corner of blog land do. Regardless of her dynamic verses mine, I find her words on submission very insightful.

      I watched a podcast of her a while back. During it she discussed how she was searching for her, let's call him 'leader' most of her adult life. She felt herself a submissive, among other 'titles'. Along the way people told her she wasn't, what she believed she was. She was told she didn't have what it took. She is hilariously funny, and entertaining to watch, and yes a very big personality- someone I would love to hang out with. She began to question herself, yet she plugged on ( no pun intended). She heard the questioning voices inside and kept searching.

      One time she met up with, let's just refer to her as a Super Submissive, who would work a talk circuit. The woman told her basically to ignore what others said, but moreover that she hasn't found 'the one' because she was not ready. Naturally she was so upset thinking after all these years that this woman thought 'she wasn't ready', but she went home and examined her life. Asked herself, was I ready when I was doing xyz? No...Was I ready when I....no.


      (I let those words ring in my head, " Am I ready? Can I be who I want or think I am?" )



      She not only let go of what others thought a submissive looked like, she let go of what she thought she 'knew'. All the while though she maintained true to herself in the moment.

      I will tell you I do not, at least as of yet, have the strength that this woman apparently has, and I may never. That isn't a concern of mine. I have however tried to maintain true to myself, WHATEVER myself was in the moment. That changed as time went on too. I'm not going to say that isn't terrifying. I'm not going to say I didn't lash out at Barney and everyone around me at times-fear masked as anger. I will say that each time after I lashed out, I sat there and dissected the 'whys'.

      Not too long ago, I finally let go of the worst obstacle I had, my perception of me. I knew deep down how I felt, but I didn't know if that meant I was submissive. I was afraid on all levels. What if I am? What if I'm not? What does it mean either way?

      You know when I said to my husband, " I don't know how to be" ? Barney said, " Yes you do, be you" That was all it took.

      Paige. don't think, about submission, just feel who you are right now. Let that be your guide. Not what you read. Not what your husband 'thinks'. Only YOU know, and even then you might not. Listen to yourself and when you can, follow that little voice. You won't always be able to. Who knows? Maybe that little voice isn't a submissive person, but so what? Stay true to what you see as you, in. the. moment. and you can't go wrong. ( Doesn't mean you won't get hurt..just means you can't go wrong).

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    2. Wow.... didn't realize there was a soapbox near by...sorry.

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  10. Hello Willie,

    Thank you for the invite to your private blog. Quite frankly, having just read this post and the comments, I feel as though I stepped out of the blog land kiddie corner and stumbled across the real world. You know, kind of like that moment when you realize you are adult enough to eat any and all the candy you could possibly consume but by the fourth bar in, understand why a vegetable actually does hold value?

    Anyway, I found myself "breathing through" some of your words. (Kind of like being in labor!) You tapped places in me, not only new to this site but to ttwd (or whatever Eric and I are creating) that I haven't admitted to...maybe ever. I think you spurred a bit of an adrenaline dump. I need to process this. Lots and lots of emotions running wild right now. It's incredibly uncomfortable yet desired and necessary all at the same time.

    As you know, my blogging stories are about one experience or another but I don't spend much time reflecting and I don't go much into my past. Eric and I are a fairly new relationship. Only married three years. My most vulnerable times were pre-Eric. This thing we think we are doing is bringing us closer because he is helping me be okay with the vulnerable me. A person I've spent many years shaming, hating and hiding.

    Gosh darn it! My job just called and I have to go in... on a Saturday!! Thank you for getting my mind whirling. Probably good I quit rattling on here until I can smooth out my thoughts into logical statements. Sorry for the randomness but your words hit some pretty raw places. That's another thank you, by the way.

    Amy

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  11. Wow Amy that is some compliment. REALLY. I shall email you a few blogs of women who I find to be genuine and sincere, open with their struggles. Truthfully I don't know how else to be. When I first started reading blogs almost 4 years ago, the stories were a minimum and the struggles were all out there.

    I am not saying there are not room for stories in blogland or in one's posts, good grief read back to some of my old posts. Some have spankings in them, and a lot are plain silly. The newness of it all almost dictates that we have to tell SOMEONE, because we can't tell our next door neighbour! But as time went on for me at least, I found the best way for me to move forward was to share what I had the most difficult time with, and my friends here held out their hand to help me back up, if needed. At the very least they would say, it is okay. It isn't easy, and that is normal. That was the benefit I found in blogging.

    While I appreciate that I spurred something in you with this post, remember I am over 3 years in. You can't always leapfrog to where you hope to be, or try to understand yourself in the context of someone else's life. Sometimes you can however and if you did with this I am sincerely happy for you.

    My suggestion, and this is going to sound a bit pompous, but go back to the very beginning of my blog and read. Read how much we struggled, fought. How much I struggled, fought with myself, how Barney fought with himself. How we thought ONE way and months later ended up on a totally different road. See the evolution for yourself. Because Amy we didn't get 'here' wherever 'here' is or how long I stay 'here' overnight.

    I have read a bit on your blog about your past and while the situations in our lives were different, there is a commonality in how we responded to our early lives. I think sadly we aren't unique in that way. This is one of the reasons I have been active on most of your posts. I can see a bit of myself in you. Barney and I have been together a long time, but truthfully our relationship has really begun only 3 years ago. So maybe that is something similar too ;).

    Oh and Amy, stop using the disclaimers with ttwd. You ARE doing it...it is referred to as THIS THING WE DO. The we doesn't have to mean blogland, the WE can simply mean YOU and ERIC. Stopping the shaming in this one area is a good first step!

    Looking forward to learning more about you .

    willie

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    1. *** I should add that although I said 'fought' and 'struggled' in past tense when I said read back....um we both STILL do that!!!

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  12. HI Willie.
    Great post! I have so many thoughts about your post and how it reflects what so many of us experience at some point in time. Accepting vulnerability is sometimes difficult, embracing vulnerability is rarely anything but difficult. I also think that it very much depends on how the feeling of vulnerability has come about. For me personally, I can embrace my own desire to be submissive and to show my vulnerability to him openly. It's when that vulnerability is imposed on me that I develop insecurities and struggle to even cope with it, any chance of embracing it is out the door. Accepting that it is "YOU" that is submissive, not just a desire or need, or in some cases a relationship restoration is a major milestone in your own personal journey, but it's one of those times in life when the realization can be incredibly overwhelming. I remember being so afraid that I would get lost in a lifestyle that was someone else's more. Don't be afraid to be you and to be happy with who that you is. Embrace your vulnerability, don't be afraid to show it but most of all remember that you can only control a certain amount of that vulnerability when you make the choice to live TTWD. Sometimes that vulnerability is caused or imposed by him, so don't be surprised if with it comes insecurities, no matter how submissive you are within yourself, you will always come to bumps in your road. It's life, living and learning where that life is taking you.

    Hugs to you
    Cassy

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    1. Well it is about time you showed up? What are you BUSY or something?

      Hi Cassy

      I would imagine that there are many factors that contribute to how we all view or embrace our vulnerability. I would have to say for myself, I don't think I have had it imposed upon me (as of yet). At least not in an obvious enough way that I could recognize it as such. At the moment this 'level' of vulnerability is taking a great deal of getting used to. I definitely have huge levels of insecurities in some areas, and fears I have long since suppressed have come flooding back to the forefront again. I know in my heart this is a good thing, as those fears never really went away. I had just pushed them aside, but it threw my husband for quite a loop when they started to surface. Of course throwing him off kilter made me unsure if this was okay for both of us.

      As for my submissiveness, so far I haven't crossed a bridge that has me overwhelmed that I will get lost, if I am understanding you correctly. Of course we know we both lead very different lives, you and I in some regard. I suppose if you are referring to me fearful of what I will be like without ttwd to help me continue to be secure in how I view myself,(in this ONE area alone ;) ) then THAT I can relate too.

      Now, EMBRACING vulnerability? Well unless you are talking small segments at a time, this could be the biggest challenge yet. Okay not could, *is*.

      Hugs? Like touching? LOL

      *love*
      willie

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  13. Hi Willie,

    I have been thinking about your post for awhile and about owning who you really are. I'm still not sure I know what being submissive is. For me, I think it is somehow tied up in being a pleaser. I want people to be happy or not upset with me or something and because of that I find that I am okay with a situation costing me something as long as it doesn't cost anyone else anything. I am not sure where that came from, but it was probably a message that started coming to me as a child and I internalized it.

    But I also think, in some perverse way, it's tied to not wanting to owe anyone anything. I do know that is tied to my childhood. I am pretty sure I am not alone in this. It's like if someone does something for you and you are in their debt, then if become difficult to not expect there to be some unknown cost that they could spring on you at any moment. So, in order to stay in control, you can't let anybody do anything for you. Does that make any sense at all?

    What I have found is that when I am feeling safe and protected and comfortable with who I am and what is happening around me, I can accept that maybe people just want to be nice to me and do things for me without strings. At those times, I can allow myself to be vulnerable, but when I am feeling insecure then I am looking for the hidden strings and questioning why anybody would want to do something nice for me and not expect anything in return. They almost have to have a proven track record or at some level beg me to let them do something nice for me.

    That, I think, for me is that submissive mind set that causes us to build walls. I really want to trust somebody enough to do things for me because it makes them happy and really believe it is just because it makes them happy...no strings. When I can hang on to that trust and someone has proved they are worthy of it, then I am at my best. The trick is hanging on to that.

    I also think that that is what Dom or Alphas or HOHs or whatever you want to call them want to: that trust that allows vulnerability to surface. That is also what I think engenders the closeness: that freedom to be and need and want and not be afraid that that being and needing and wanting will drive people away. You can be free to be who you are and show that to someone who is willing to love you and provide what you need.

    Enough rambling for now...just what I have been thinking about.

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    1. Hi Cygnet.

      Yes I can see how being a pleaser would be part of how you perceive yourself as a submissive. I suppose my thoughts on the entire matter will be a little different as I never put a voice to being submissive until after I was in a relationship for a long time. I will say that I do not care for people to be upset with me, oh let me rephrase that, people I RESPECT being upset with me. I also have a slight tenendency to put all others first, sometimes at a cost.

      Where we differ is the 'owing' anyone anything. ( Although I do know a male friend who is ANYTHING but submissive, and I don't even know if he knows that word ~ oh Gazoo, if you'll remember from posts years ago who very much worries about that). For myself I don't worry about owing because I never feel that others owe me for what I do for them, not saying you do. I don't keep tabs on who does what, (really but if over time I don't receive gratitude at least, and I only mean ONE thank you, I have pulled away). Do I feel uneasy when people do things for me? Absolutely, but often I tie that with being uncomfortable with being noticed, or in need, than I would with being indebted. I am learning, slowly to allow others to do things for me. I suppose part of it is a control issue in the sense that I am not in control of my situation if others are doing things for me and as much as I like relying on my husband, I'm not so great at relying on others. I don't like to be an inconvenience, yet I never feel inconvenienced helping others. OH what a tangled web we weave.

      As far as the 'when I am feeling safe and secure' part, I can understand but again with different reasoning. I think it stems from insecurity really on both our parts. I don't worry about strings attached, but I am similar in the idea that feeling safe and secure means I can be accepted for who I am, (sassy, sarcastic, yet not a real bite).

      In your situation that you talk about here, I will offer you advice, unsolicited I know. When I first started ttwd I realized that I presented myself to others, the way I THOUGHT they perceived me. Not how I perceived myself, not how they may ACTUALLY perceive me, but how *I* thought they did. So if I thought they thought me a bitch, they got a colder version of myself. It sucked really! Such a stupid thing to do, and I didn't even realize I was doing it other than feeling heavy around them. I 'trained' myself to 'just be' as best I could around them~ to listen to what I felt not thought. It was a huge struggle, but I think I am (almost) over that hurdle.

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    2. ************and Part Two*************
      Now onto the 'doms'...LOL. I won't even try to vocalize for them. I will say for me being around a more dominant type, a true one- I don't mean a bossy boots,heck they are a dime a dozen, but a man or even woman who is authentic, I can let go. I can trust that their intentions are good, but moreover I can trust them that they accept me for who I am. That they can 'handle' me if you will. It is freeing.

      Even though my husband often questions his dominant ability, I will say the moment I met him as a 19 year old 'girl', I knew he was different. He wasn't the screaming Alpha in the room, BUT he didn't shy away from me at all. When I was in high school a gay friend of mine confided in me, " the boys are afraid of you". NICE ( said sarcastically) I swear to you Cygnet in high school I looked 12 the entire 5 years ( we had 5 years back then LOL). I was 90 pounds sopping wet. ( oh yeah a real sex goddess). How could I be intimidating ? LOL

      I used sarcasm as my shield back then. By the time I met Barney (darn I keep typing our real names) I now realize I used, and still do, sarcasm as my gauge. He, like all my dominant friends, took up the challenge and stayed. Even if I 'bested' him/them, they'd give a 'well done' or 'nicely played' not a cold shoulder. One time my friend 'Dan' said, " You can emasculate me with one sentence sometimes", and initially I thought, " Ha!" and then later thought, " Holy hell". I don't want to BE that person( but it is nice to know, I have the back up if need be! LOL). He still stayed however. There was a comfort in that.

      For me there is a huge feeling of acceptance that comes with being around true dominants, whatever it looks like for them. I am able to accept myself, and therefore see that they accept/ 'want' me, all of me, warts and all. That doesn't mean my heart doesn't leap out of my chest if I 'engage' in a less than stellar conversation with them, but mostly because I fear the loss of them rather than the fear of them. The beauty is now my trust is stronger than that fear It must be because I PUSH on...and boy can I PUSH ( snort) and like Barney, they stay.

      Lillie once told me years ago, " You have little dog syndrome". I think she *was* right. I needed to prove that no matter WHO you were, I could take you on if I had to. I didn't so much push aside my submissive self, like I said I tested to see if you were worthy enough to 'get it". I just didn't realize it at the time.

      So Cygnet, basically I'd say be true to yourself as much as your current 'fears' will allow you to be. Most of all DO for others if it makes YOU feel complete. Don't worry about owing, concentrate on gaining what YOU need. If you need to give because it makes you happy, that is all the motivation you need. Don't let fear or *possible* misguided perceptions of others steer you away from who you truly are. I didn't mean that to come out preachy, just speaking from my experiences.

      Soooooooooooooooooooooo I see your 'ramble' and raise you FIVE? LOL

      willie






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