Tuesday, February 16, 2021

By the Water's Edge.

A few years ago we went on a family vacation.   On the second last day I was left, by choice, for a couple of hours by the water.   For whatever reason I sat down and wrote...THIS...LOL . I didn't post it because not long after I wrote it things felt like they came crashing down around me/us.  I'm posting today for various reasons

I might try my hand at writing again?

AND

If I do try, this post could be the perfect set up for what I have in my mind concerning the yoyo factor that comes with ttwd.
 
So, as the old saying goes.......ON WITH THE SHOW.


By The Water's Edge


I haven't a clue why I'm drawn to he shores of Lake Ontario. The home I grew up in was mere blocks from a respectfully large lake in its own right, yet I am drawn to these shores. If I were not afraid of being pegged as a marginally insane person, I would claim I am more than just drawn here, for some inexplicable reason I NEED to be here. I release my shell by the shore. It goes far deeper than just 'my happy place'. My soul is called to be here. (okay there goes the risk of being considered marginally insane).

I am not a person who can let go of my mind, lose it absolutely, but quiet it? Not so much. It goes beyond the varying shades of turquoise and blues, my draw here. It goes beyond the amazing pebbles and rocks I can pick through and touch. Though, both of these play a key part no doubt. I am equally visual and tactile. I have been known to leave places because I find them visually disturbing. I have also retracted my hand from a piece of clothing like I have been burnt because I could not tolerate the way the fabric felt between my fingers.



Here, here I am drawn to the rocks. I marvel at their diversity, how they change with the water. I examine fossils found within them, question how they became broken or how the water had such tremendous force that they have become smooth. Yet there is more to it than that.










For an hour today, when I had intended on reading by the water's edge, I sat and watched the waves crest, and crash. I watched as the water turned from blue, to green, to white as it folded over. I watched the waves collide with each other, lost in thought. Lost in thought but extremely calm and at peace. I felt at one with myself, which I realize must sound absolutely ridiculous. The weight of the world gone temporarily from my shoulders. Nothing else existed but me, the whole of me. I became accepting of me and my 'plight' in life, whatever that may be.

There can almost be no greater gift in life I believe, than that feeling. No matter how fleeting it is. For a person whose brain does not shut off, the gift of the waves crashing to the shore in ones head being the only sound is beyond euphoric.

 
I have sat by the shore of the Pacific Ocean. I have sat by the shore of the Atlantic Ocean as well. The colour of their water is beyond spectacular. Yet the ocean holds a great many fears of mine. One could over simplify it and say there are things in there that can hurt you, but the truth is it is the unknown. I once sat on the shores of the Pacific and watched a baby and mother whale breach the surface. I also watched a tourist 'submarine' do the same thing. I was equally terrified to the point of not being able to move on both occasions. Out of no where emerged massive bodies, without warning.

While Lake Ontario does have its share of undesirables in the 'looks' department, I am not going to be startled by anything breaching the surface. Perhaps this lack of lake fear comes from growing up near a large lake. However, don't misunderstand, if a piece of seaweed ( can I even call it that if it is in a lake?) unexpectedly sticks to my leg, you are going to hear me shriek, and then laugh.

I haven't a clue why I am writing about this as I sit by the water, sunburned with my trusty bipolar bitch dog, and a full bladder. Perhaps it is because I know summer is rapidly coming to an end here, and it will be a good 10 months before I will most likely be venturing back to the shores of Lake Ontario. Or perhaps it is because I have felt very turbulent in my life for a while now and this overwhelming sense of peace is something I want to hold on to for longer than the hours I have spent on the shore.

The funny thing about living in the northern part of North America, you have to take in your fill of summer. Every blowing leaf on a tree, the birds, the grass beneath your feet, has to be committed to not only your memory but your soul, for before you know it they will be gone for months. These things are hidden from view, and different beauties are revealed, I am just not as partial to those beauties. They are more a focus of bragging rights of survival than soul filling moments for me. The turquoise, crashing waves of Lake Ontario, will eventually be quieted and replaced in areas with a white desert of ice and snow. Rocks will be frozen in their places until spring, some buried beneath the snow.

It is all part of the process, I am well aware. This keeps my country void of man killing reptiles, spiders and fish LOL. In some ways I suppose this could be an excellent analogy for ttwd. The lean and more barren times, needed to not only rejuvenate but appreciate. The idea that buried beneath what seems like colourless snow things are still growing, even if they appear dormant at the time.


I love to take photos. I can find exceptional beauty during the winter. In truth to me trees are actually much more interesting without leaves. Winter has taken on a whole different feel for me in the past couple of years, because I now 'share' it with someone who doesn't experience the same type of extreme winter I do. That being said, I still look toward it with dread.


I am most certainly living in the wrong country weather wise. I function so much better in bare feet with soil beneath my finger nails. Yet I do sometimes wonder if I would be so appreciative of the waves crashing on the shore,if they weren't silenced for a time during the year. Would I take them for granted? Would I view them as I did my relationship before ttwd, trusting that they would always be there, so there was no need to make a special trip to sit by the shore?


Now for a less flowery approach.....(and pushing a side the fleeting yet important feelings from the day by the water)

Since writing the above, Barney and I have had a very difficult discussion in regard to our future. I am still unaware as to how I feel, which is very foreign for me. I think if I were to be truthful to myself I would say my uncertainty is only there because I am carrying a shield constructed out of fear . I desperately want to be true to myself, as it has taken me a very long time to feel genuinely comfortable in my skin. I now not only know who I am, but embrace what I have unearthed. I realized too that she was still very much 'there' by the water that day.  Nothing can take that awakening away from me, currently however I appear to be afraid of trying once again to delve deeper and search for the fulfillment I had experienced sporadically in our past. Some days I fear the relationship I covet, the one that once lay at my finger tips, seems an impossibility now, or at best a distant memory to be left in the past. If I were to follow my own soapbox advice, I would remember that the past can never be repeated, but learned from and built upon. Striving to regain the same will never happen.


My uncertainty isn't solely with Barney and his ability to awaken us. A great deal of my uncertainty lies with my concern that I now lack the ability to let go. Or the very least the ability to let go enough for Barney to feel it is working, to encourage him to continue. I would like to think that because of who I now know I am, I can show him without restraint~ yet I am so very fearful. I know one foot in front of the other, but does there not come a time where one should say, "enough tripping, find another path? "


Perhaps I am just need to trust that the heat of the sun will eventually turn my 'winter' into spring and then summer once again. Perhaps I just need to absorb what light I can, and have it carry me through. When it doesn't perhaps I will find beauty in the frozen dormant stage as well.

-  The above was from August 2018 not Feb 2021 -



16 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Dear Willie,
    This is a beautiful post. It is amazing how our minds just naturally let go near the water's edge (or standing a few feet in with a fishing pole, in my case.) There is a lot of quiet when I fish on the shores of a big lake. But there is quiet mixed with nature's sounds at my favorite place, the river with a little waterfall.I love watching the salmon fight so hard to get upstream.)

    I don't intentionally think of anything while at the water's edge, but it goes to places much like yours -- self reflection, relationship analysis, a sadness, some acceptance, fear for the future.

    Your words here touched my heart; "I would remember that the past can never be repeated, but learned from and built upon. Striving to regain the same will never happen." It's tough when I think of really deep emotional times and how meaningful they were to me whether between Storm and me or with dear friends. But, I keep the positives with me and often reflect upon them when I am acting out some similar activity today as I have in the past. I try to let the negative go. And the good memories created with difficult people, I just try to remember how I felt in the moment, mindfulness, I guess.

    In ttwd with Storm, we sure have our ups and downs. I long for the times of deep connection and wonder, too, if and when that might happen again for both of us.

    I loved this post and I am so glad you shared. It helps me reflect and put some things in perspective with myself and ttwd as I learn more about yours and B's experiences. May there be much contentment, peace, and also exciting adventure awaiting you both. Love, Windy

    P.S. And your photographs! I love them. I hope we will get to see some more in the future here. We love nature, the seasons, rocks, water, and fossils here at our house.

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    1. I'm sorry are you lost? LOL!!!

      Kidding aside, it is great to see you here Windy. I love being by any water to be honest, but I do love waves! Sadly the fishing in this area is not good. Our side of Lake Ontario is very shallow with a limestone bottom ( at least where I usually sit). I occasionally see the odd dead carp wash up on shore- hideous things.

      I look like one of those hippy, dippy chicks from B rated comedy movies when I get to the shore. I stand there and inhale ( not always a good thing depending what has washed up ) and breathe it all in. Every time. This is where we camp and while the pandemic robbed B of his work for a few months this year, it gave us plenty of opportunities for him to bring me to my favourite place! A friend once told me the waves pull the negative from your core. Maybe it's garbage to some, but I swear I feel it- and if it's only a placebo, I don't care!

      I touched that you were touched ( um?) but seriously. I understand completely what you describe here. I often wish I could go back in time, but sadly life doesn't work that way, and no doubt in that time there was still strife to be had. B often says I tend to romanticize the past. Maybe he's right, but I'm sure glad I wrote this that day, because I have something concrete as well as my memories to hold on to.

      I think for me the longing of feelings from deep friendships gone by hurts more than times I wish to get back to with B. With B we have no choice but to plug on, and fix things, and find a new way or connection, but with friends, we don't always have the opportunity or the challenge seems too insurmountable. I think too that as far as TTWD goes, and the friendships that come with that, the real deep connection type, they help with the connection with our partners. So all of those feelings get lumped together in some giant euphoric memory ball. LOL. How's that for a forced visual? lol

      I know the feeling of wondering /worrying if those deep times will happen again. I can tell you from my own experience, they most certainly can. In some ways it gets easier, but in the same breath it gets harder. Makes no sense? You got it! lol.

      Thank you so much for encouraging me. I'm not going to lie trying again here will not be easy. But with a kinder, gentler space perhaps opening up for all of us will bring all those feelings you wish to the surface more easily.

      As for my photos? Sure why not. Lord knows I have a bazillion of them. Ask B, his normally speedster walking wife takes forever when she's got a camera in hand. LOL.

      Thanks again Windy!

      willie

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    2. OMG, Willie!  Am I lost?!  You so didn't go there right out in front of God 'n everybody.  Laughing.  And right back at ya, yes, I was lost indeed. You see, this little old troll wouldn't let me cross the bridge to get here so I had to sneak the long way over.  Sorry it took me 3 years. I'm a bit battered and bruised, but I know you know the feeling. (that can be taken in any context you wish!)  LOL

      I also laughed at the "hideous things" washing up on the shore. Carp are disgusting whether dead or alive. *shudder*    So do you know the fishing is bad on your side from actual fishermen or the environmental people?  People don't go out there in their waders and try further out?   Sorry, I got distracted.  LOL 
       
      Glad you and B were able to have adventure during Covid downtime  and spend some time at your special lake spot together.  

      I am probably guilty of romanticizing the past as well. But, may we forever seek the deep bonds of friendships especially in places we had almost given up on, and especially those grounded in ttwd.  

      I look forward to reading your future posts here and seeing your name in the comment section on any blog, especially mine.  

      Hugs,Windy

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    3. I'm sure I have no idea what you mean. There are still trolls lurking about? Seems like if there were you pulled the switch on whomever (Monty Python Meaning of Life swallow sketch comes to mind).

      Anyway better late to the party than never. Though look like this party could use some wine ;)

      I've never seen anyone fishing there. I'd suspect you'd drown if you walked out further with waders on. The waves are generally huge (shallow lake). Plenty of other lakes and rivers around here - seriously you can't drive 10 minutes without coming across some type of water, to fish.

      I hope that I will always be brave and stubborn enough to seek relationships with meaningful connections. For me it has become a real need in my life. Something I was unaware I didn't have until I experienced it first hand. It's been wonderfully terrifying- and yes sometimes it hurts. Given the choice though, I think in most cases of do it all again. The good over all far outweighs the bad, and the bad proves to be excellent learning experiences and provided time for growth. Growth maybe I didn't want- but whatever. Lol

      And a big physically distanced, elbow bump to you too ;)

      W

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  3. First - I am going to link the journey to here cause if it hadn't been for some good friends I wouldn't have known you had posted (ahhh that should have been put as a question - gonna link IF you don't mind - grinning)

    You are relatively new to me - so reading this felt for me a little bit like reading something out of context....... BUT one line rang true to me..."yoyo factor that comes with ttwd." I don't think there is anyone in this lifestyle that doesn't suffer from yoyo affects...... I'd love to see you take up writing again........

    and maybe?? posting some of your photography??

    OH and btw Lake Ontario happens to be my favourite BIG lake !!

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    1. Oh and OMGosh, I forgot to answer your question. I would be honoured to grace your blogroll

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  4. Well Welcome, (again) Morningstar!

    Not sure who the little bird was, but thank him/her for me! I have to admit this is really probably a very difficult post to comment on. I've not written in so long, and I do have a post or two floating around in my head, but if I don't get them started at the crack of dawn, other things tend to jumble up my mind. I was hoping to set the stage for the yoyo post with this. Later in the day, or the next day anyway I had completely crashed as far as my ability to remain vulnerable. It always perplexed me how I could feel so utterly at peace and then NOT. It took years before we actually figured it out. Hopefully I'll get on my newer post soon so this doesn't seem so far out there. LOL.

    As for the BIG Lakes, it is my favourite as you now know. However Superior has the best pebbles!!! One summer I put my feet in every Great Lake except Erie. I cannot believe I said to B I didn't feel like making that 45 minute drive. I regret it now.

    Thank you so much for encouraging me to write again. It's very kind of you

    willie

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  5. Hi Willie, it's so great to see you here again! :)

    Love this post and it got me thinking. There is nothing like being by the water to be at peace and at one with oneself and to reflect. I love your last paragraph. This post is a good analogy to ttwd, there is an ebb and flow to both and times of beauty and times of hibernation (for want of a better term).

    Much love

    Roz

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    1. Hey Roz!

      You realize we've all come to rely on you showing up, just like summarise- no matter how long has passed or how reaching the post. Lol. So thank you for that ❤️.

      I have to be brutally honest here, I'm a little tired of hibernation! Lol

      Lovin ya back

      willie

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  6. My dearest friend willie, I posted too!!! I really liked your writing. I got caught up and swept away with your words. Like Roz, I like the ebb and flow analogy to ttwd. Life is interesting.

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  7. I cannot tell you how my heart leapt for joy when I read your comment. Welcome back my dear friend 💕

    Off to read your post!!!

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  8. Willie! How lovely to see you posting again!! This is a beautiful piece. We share an affinity for water, particularly waves, and you have woven ttwd through it seamlessly. Good to see you back.

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  9. Lovely to see YOU here Olivia!!!

    Thank you for your kind words. I'm a little fearful of putting up a new post because it has been a LONG time since I wrote, I know I am greatly out of practice.

    I do love the water and waves, currently not much movement in my neck of the woods. Unless of course you count water dripping from the end of an icicle. LOL.

    willie

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