In the interest of putting my money where my mouth is, based on my last post at least, I will share what has been happening around Bedrock for the last while. I initially wrote this post on our private blog ( as in really private~ just Barney and I have access, unless I email it to a few unlucky girlfriends..LOL). Before you start to read what I wrote, I will let you know that Barney has already read this (that should save you from telling me to share it with him...snort).
ANYWHO, basically I decided to swallow my pride and get more personal than I have for a while, and let you all 'in'. I decided in essence I suppose to be vulnerable to you. Why? Because sometimes life really does SUCK, as my favourite person recently said. There are various levels of suckiness, and various emotions that go with each situation, but life can SUCK. When that happens, at least here, we sometimes struggle to 'see' the ones we are closest too. That in turn seems to upset that proverbial apple cart. This is one of those times ( and yes +Ashley Lee this is LONG).
Life Through The Rear View Mirror
Over the years I have written countless posts, too many to be reasonable, about feeling 'off'. Wrote posts about our dynamic, missing my life, etc..etc. A little over a year ago I was in excruciating pain. I don't like to think of myself as some uber pain embracer, but according to various doctors over the years I have a 'poor perception of pain'~ whatever that means. Anyway I was in this pain, which at times still plagues me, but I learned to deal with it. I learned to cope with it and move on. Truthfully it isn't anything as horrible as fibromyagia or countless other chronic pain. Now it is more an annoyance than anything. Actually just part of my life in many ways, that I don't often give it a thought.
My point about that is back when I was in the height of this, I wrote about missing my life. I laugh now at how things have changed.
While the seeds of some of the drama unfolding around me were most definitely well planted back then, the tangled, choking vine had yet to really grow. Back then I missed my life, today I wonder how the hell my life got to this point.
There is a danger when viewing life through the rear view mirror. Due to its size details are left out. What we decide to focus on might not include some of the smaller intricacies. As well, what I focus on and what someone else's eyes are drawn to can very well be different though we seem to be travelling in the same vehicle.
I know at the moment that is what is happening all around me. I see it with our son, who 95% of the time refuses to focus on where he has come from, and what he has overcome. Worst of all I see it with my husband. He has the ability to see it with our son, but has lost us somewhere in the process- out of focus is what we have over come.
When we started ttwd, there was one area that I said I would NEVER give up control of. One area where I would always remain an equal partner. That area was and is our children. Barney does take care of many of the main components with our kids~ doctor's appointments ( they are all teenage boys so really they don't want me there anyway), teacher's interviews ( really not a good place for me) etc. However decisions surrounding them, major ones we are at the very least 50/50 if not 70/30 on my part. Why? Because for 15 years it was me on deck as he works long hours. I am here more than he is and up until recently at least, I could relate differently to them,see them and their motives or what they weren't saying a little easier than he can. All of this is 'great' until one of them decides to take a detour from the average life. Being the one who is here more often than not some how has me becoming the verbal punching bag. Being the one who normally placates situations becomes the voice that not only falls on deaf ears but becomes the source of all the issues~ apparently.
That is all well and good. I am a mother, I didn't just sign up for cookies and crayons. They tell you the teen years are difficult, but until you have 'one of them' you can't possibly grasp what that truly can mean. I am at the point when my son is 'in a mood' that I no longer recognize him. I am now also at a point when I have been pushed to my limit that I no longer recognize myself.
When I lay in bed at night I look in the rear view mirror and instead of seeing road kill I see the sun setting behind a beautiful landscape, memories of a wonderful 'day' that no longer exists. The heat of the sun, the light of it, fading quickly behind what once was green hills, now fading to black mounds. It leaves me cold and sad.
Life has a way of being cruel. I am not suggesting my life is horrible. I have so many, many things to be grateful for. I realize so many people, people I know and love who experience true hell every morning. I can still hope for another beautiful day in a few hours. It is just that I wish sometimes my husband would put a blanket around my shoulders and remind me that tomorrow is another day. Or maybe I wish that I could see him doing that.
Perhaps that is the problem at the moment, sporadically he tries to bring warmth but I am so locked away I refuse to embrace it. I am too afraid to shuffle my weight in his direction because I am unsure how long he can hold me up. He is suffering too, and on top of our home life he has work to contend with as well. I try to make life run smoothly around here so he doesn't have to worry at work. He tries to make things run smoothly around here when he is not at work, but there is no *us* because of all our trying.
I am not suggesting that ttwd is the answer during this time, (it has been around too, although limping) I certainly don't want to add to the stress of the household. I feel so incredibly selfish for saying, I'd just like to be seen though. I'd like to be seen more than the one who 'messes' with our son's head. I'd like to be seen and heard. I'd like to be asked how I am actually 'doing'.
I truly believe, though some days it is more difficult than others, I can handle just about anything thrown my way, on my own if need be. What I can't handle is this being lost once the dust settles for a moment. Daily I float away, and bringing myself back is getting more and more difficult as time passes. We are tethered together Barney and I,but currently it feels like our tether is fraying to the point where it is thread bare. I have mentioned this, and he acknowledges it, that is where our conversations seem to end, or turn out for the worse not better. I suppose one issue in the house is all we can focus on. I was of the mindset that a strong couple would at least have something tangable to be grateful for at the end of the day. However trying to maintain or rather achieve that doesn't seem possible. I suppose there isn't enough energy left~ my greatest fear is there will soon be nothing left if we don't find the energy. I fear our time is running out.
Today I will try to look straight ahead and focus on the horizon, watch the sun come up and hope for a great day, hell a stable one would be nice. I still have to look in the rear view mirror however, as that is where I last saw me.