Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Beating, The Beautiful and The Beast

Okay the money where my mouth is ladies.  You convinced me +Pearl N and Bleue.  First we have to head back in time, oh and grab a comfy seat for those of you that can sit down currently, I have a feeling this will be a long ramble. (Shocking I know!)

A couple of weeks ago, after our trip I was feeling off.  WAY off.  Part of it was due to the fact I perceived (and I still believe rightly so, but I'll leave it at that for now) that Barney was edging back to where we were before. Okay that is a bit of a blanket statement.  He wasn't BACK there but elements were starting to creep in. With that happening my insecurity was starting to build.  I did try to talk to him several times.  I even used phrases like, "I could be wrong but my perception is...".  He assured me I was wrong.  As the week went on, I kept giving him examples as to why I felt that way, his reactions or actions differed. He still contended that he felt the same.  What is a girl to do?  Well I am not sure what she is to do, I just know what happened here.  I imploded.

In the interest of trying to make this NOT as long, I'll give you bullet points

  • 'discussion' about how my perception vs reality might actually be pertinent
  • his point of 'it seems to happen so quickly' shot down by actual examples of how many times I tried to talk to him over the past week
  • then the hurt/brat arrived....outside at midnight by myself (crying but of course HE didn't show up to see that part...only me almost asleep~ so no brownie points there)
  • not literally following him inside or upstairs or anywhere for that matter after being told to
more of the same

Anyway that OBVIOUSLY led to a punishment.  Ah but the joys of having a child that is no longer in school and currently only works part time~ oh and a wife that was less than co-operative mentally gave us 3 false starts in as many days. ( I'll leave out the being punished for the same thing, not same action different days. SAME THING...which led to another mix up....ahhhhhhhhhh the learning curve, so much fun!)  After ALL of that was sort of cleared up, D-day Part Trois arrived.

I couldn't tell you why, as I haven't a clue but boy do I wish I had so I could replicate it again, but I was in a different mental space before the punishment even began.  Barney told me to go down into our storage/laundry room, strip and wait.  This is pretty standard procedure here.  I knew I was getting punished and then he was going to reset.  The latter having been pushed aside over the summer, sadly the former had not.  When I went into what I refer to the back room, I saw his/my? cuffs dangling from the rafters.  Okay this was new.  Immediately I thought of my arm, ( I have tendinitis and I am very wary of doing things that might give me set backs).  I had to evaluate in my own head/heart what my actually feelings were concerning this. Deciding that I was probably being fearful yet the possibility of trying to use that as a cover for control, I opted to just go with it.  After all if I couldn't manage any longer my husband would release me.

I don't recall his demeanor when he came in.  I suppose that would indicate that he wasn't much different than he normally is.  He was all business strapping my arms up and my ankles, shoulder width a part, ( that is typical as I have a tendency to flip up my feet~ yes the soles have been caned because of it, but damn, I'm not good at remembering in the moment).  Being restrained, even if the main reason is for safety has an effect on my mindset and my control, as I am sure it does for many.  Truthfully  I could unhook my 'cuffs'with little difficulty, with the flick of my thumbs, but it is the symbolism more than anything I suppose.

Okay, now for the stuff....LOL... Barney started wailing on me, with what I assumed was one of his canes.  I fair much better if I don't know what he is going to use.  I have a tendency to see, absorb and then control my pain because I know what is coming.  I KNOW, so not the point.  I am a work in progress when it comes to embracing it.  Before I continue, I should point out for those who haven't been here since the beginning, I am a bit of a bleeder ( a BIT...bwahhaaa...I refer to Barney as Dexter).  It isn't that I am seriously injured, it is just that I have two spots the size of dimes on either cheek that tend to always bleed.  They heal so you see nothing, yet they are right back again with more impact.  They actually don't hurt at all. Though the blood running down my leg CAN be a bit of a distraction, for ME not for Dexter!

Okay so back to the beating...and yes it was a beating(though not abuse *wink*).  I have had spankings and trust me this is VERY different.  He did the usual spiel about why I was there and how he was tired of it...etc... etc.  I am not being dismissive, just illustrating that it wasn't out of the ordinary.  I on the other hand was not reacting the way I normally do.  I have a couple of  classic Willie responses, remorse being the IDEAL one, the other is anger.  Anger mostly due to the pain.  He is very fond of traveling down my legs during any kind of spanking. He claims it is due to lack of real estate. While I think that is sweet, I know it is just because he is MEAN...LOL .  This day he was very close to the back of my knees.  You know the part where those cordy things are?  I will admit any other day I would have probably freaked! This day, I said, " please be careful of..." Anger never entered the picture, um nor did remorse, but never mind that..LOL

(insert more lecture/beating/and dabbing of primary blood source with wipes....)

He then moved on to his reset.  Canes (thankfully) are not generally used during resets.  Don't breathe a sigh of relief for me however~ lol.   As Pearl pointed out in her post, he changes implements but the reset isn't any less severe than the punishment physically. As the reset began I became even more aware of myself.   I began trying to concentrate on what was happening, my body, my pain, his words (though that can be difficult).  I had just taken a shower, and my hair was still dripping.  My body was sweating,more like glistening...(always the lady).  I could feel the water and or sweat running down my back, into my cleft.  I could also feel the blood running down my legs, but you know, not as peaceful of a sensation, so I tried to ignore that.  My arms long since forgotten.  I was relaxing yet feeling the impact.  I wasn't drifting away, nor was I even thinking about subspace. I wouldn't have made it there in all likelihood as every once and a while he'd land a strike that had my eyes bugging out and my breath being sucked in.  Gone was the moving around.  I was suspended, not literally.  I was weightless.  In that moment for whatever reason, instead of the snorting beast I can normally feel like during a 'beating', I felt beautiful.  I can't explain why, but I did

It was during this time that Barney began to speak to me.  He began saying things I never thought my husband would say, so much so I never even consciously WISHED he'd say them.  He told me I was beautiful restrained like that before him.  He told me he not only wants my submission, he needs it, he desires it.  It allows him to be who he truly is.  (Now under any other circumstance, I would have said/thought 'come again? Who are you?' or I would have cried).  I just took this all in with the sensations that were going on.  Not sure why I feel I should mention this, but I wasn't feeling sexual at all (though that has happened countless times during or after a reset).  I was feeling very sensual however~ and for a woman who is about as sensual as Sally Field that is saying a lot!  

I was not entering subspace.  I will admit to dancing around it I believe, but there was no let down because I didn't enter it.  In that moment I was existing, but living all at the same time.  I was no longer there for me and my mindset, I was there for him.  Truthfully I didn't ever believe that day would come.  My submission would have been rated at its all time high that day, and it didn't mentally or emotionally cost me a thing.

Concerned about the speed in which the blood was flowing, Barney informed me that he would have to switch back to the cane.  I slowly shook my head, in a pleading manner.  He agreed.  The cane might have changed everything that day, or maybe not.  I do associate it with punishments (though they are not the exclusive implement for that, it only shows up during those times).

He unhooked me, wrapped me in a robe and held me.  Truthfully he held me up. 

 This is where my mind became very confused.  I knew I hadn't entered subspace, yet the similarities were shockingly there.  Something I had never experienced before, without subspace.  I began to wonder in my mind if I was constructing me responses and they were not genuine. ( Yeah I'm a novice).  I was once high on mushrooms with a group of friends in my early 20s.  Because I was apparently the runt of the litter that night I was only given half of what everyone else took.  They were completely 'gone' . I had the ability that night to embrace being high but I could also try and concentrate on staying sober-like having a foot in both worlds.  This is how I can best describe that day.  I decided to focus on the high.

Barney carried me upstairs, sounds so romantic doesn't it?  Sorry ladies, fairy tale illusions about to be shattered,I was over his shoulder.  He placed me on the bathroom floor and for some reason turned me around so my back was to the vanity mirror.  For a brief second I was 'sober'.  In my head I heard my voice yell " Oh My GOD!  You look like an extreme photo from Fetlife!"  I say in my head, because I was no where near ready or able to actually use my voice.  He then left me there. I know right? But you can put down the torches and pitch forks.  He had to clean up the back room because our son could be home any minute, and remember Dexter lives here.  I don't have the funds for that kind of on going therapy!

I started to shiver.  Slowly I walked toward the tub and began to fill it.  Even slower still I eased myself down.  All the while I was questioning my reality.   I sat there in a now slightly orange tinted tub of water, noticing the copper smell of blood. I questioned how I could I not be a masochist, if I felt such calmness after all of that.  Thoughts came and left my head quickly, yet slowly.  I know that doesn't make sense.  

My eyes felt huge, and I felt very childlike....vulnerable, 

yet ....yet.... I don't know the right word.  I felt unearthed.  I felt free, though not over the top. 

 I . 

 And it was magnificent.  It would have been better than subspace, because I felt ...yet it wasn't because my mind was still trying to figure out every once and a while, if I was making up a fantasy that I wanted.  But truth be told my imagination isn't THAT good.

Barney returned and helped me into bed.  I can't say I was exhausted like I normally am after a 'beating'.  I was , but I wasn't.  My voice had yet to return, so I just lay there for a while.  I am unsure if I fell asleep.

Much later we went out, walking was extremely difficult.  However it wasn't the worst I have ever looked, after I was cleaned up that is.  That shot nearer to the back of my knees was VERY prominent, yet no where near where I thought it would be.

The next day I had to ask Barney some questions.  I wanted, no needed to know how he felt about the day before.  He again expressed concern about the speed in which the blood was streaming yet it wasn't enough to stop him.  He told me he didn't preplan saying any of those things.  I could tell because he has a tendency to sound rote when he pre plans.  He informed me it came from the heart.  He said he saw that I was 'in the zone' and he quite easily could have joined me 'in that zone' yet he was too afraid to embrace that for fear of me becoming hurt.  Again words I never thought in a million years I would hear my husband, and an experience I never dreamed of having, or even desired I suppose, beyond curiosity.

I expressed to him that I was concerned.  He knew right away what I was referring too ( another first of sorts.snort).  He assured me that he knew I would be needing more.  I have often said I can't be cut off could turkey after something intense.  I need to be weened off or let down gently.  He told me it wasn't going to happen this time.  Well life does have a tendency to get in the way.  I am fine with dealing with that, provided once the interruption subsides, we are RIGHT back on track.

A few days later he said to me, while his experience was obviously different than mine, and he had tried to project himself into my feelings, he didn't think he really understood, until that day.  He said he felt his version of a drop, but not the way I most likely did.  He then gave me a mini reset.  This time he said it was every bit as much for him as it was for me.  He reassured me that he had me and he wasn't going to coast.

Have things been clear sailing since then?  Pfft..  I'll post this question once again, " Are you NEW here?"  LOL.  In fact just this week we have had a few issues pop up.  I honestly believe the issues are with me (though he does have a way of inspiring small issues to become great...just sayin').  I think the connection from the previous reset casts a huge shadow over us.  I am NOT expecting to experience that every time, however the fear of what is to come and where we will end up after because of our experience  is VERY real.

I was profoundly moved by the words Barney said that day.  Physicality not withstanding, I ended up in a different place because of those words. Part of me believes that I put more weight and significance on that day than he does.  Of course this is causing all sorts of needless insecurity on my part.  Naturally I am going to place more weight on the experience than he did. He was expressing what he already felt and knew.  I was the one who was enlightened that day not him.  He accepted who he is, and I was 'blindsided' in a good way by it.  That day will forever be etched in my mind, and not because of my endorphin induced 'coma'. For him the gradual and painful process of accepting who he is was spoken out loud that day, but it wasn't a shocking experience because he had long since known.

I have contemplated writing this post of a couple of weeks now.  First off I was unsure how write my experience down in a way that gave it justice.  (I am still unsure if I managed that.) In the end there seemed to be more reasons to write as opposed to not.  A large reason to share was a few of you.  Many of you have followed along with our adventure since the very start, or close to it.  Many of you have also experienced the insecurity of wondering when or if your husband will ever feel comfortable in his 'role' (though I hate that terminology in this case).  I can't guarantee that it will ever happen, but I wanted to share with you that it could very well.  Trust me when I tell you we were on the brink of ruin not that long ago, Barney and I.  I felt lost and I didn't truly believe he had it in him to 'find' me, or even want to search for me.  He did.

Another reason I decided to attempt this post was for the few of you I have talked to about your changing dynamics.  As you know we started out under the very large umbrella known as Dd.  Actually for years I said we were Dd lite.  Never in a million years would I have pictured myself, my needs, or my relationship where it currently is now.  Nor do I have any preconceived notions of what tomorrow will bring, aside from struggle.  That is almost a guarantee! lol  I understand when you feel like you are not Dd , you are not D/s, you are not BSDM yet you are ALL of those things too. And that is okay.  I like to think of it as a buffet.  Take what you want from whatever appeals to you, and maybe try something new.  If you don't like it, leave it.  Just make sure you have enough on your plate to feel satisfied.  And if tomorrow you decide that maybe you should have tried the sauteed greens, go back an get them.  Nothing is written in stone, as we are forever changing.

Perhaps the biggest reason for me writing this post was for Barney and myself.  I needed Barney to be brought in, as best he could.  I also needed to write this so next week,next month potentially next year, I can remember where I was...after I am somewhere else.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Analogy and an Update

Not too long ago part of our family went on a little getaway.  One of the days 4 of us decided to go for a little canoe and kayaking trip down the lake. Two family members took out kayaks and Barney and I were in our canoe.  I love being in the canoe, paddling it?  Not so much.  In my mind I had a vision of Cleopatra being paddled around.

After about an hour of paddling we reached some 'cliffs' where one of the boys wanted to jump from. The shoreline in that part of the lake was very rugged and therefore difficult to tie off the kayaks.  In addition the water was choppy that day, and we didn't want the kayaks banging into the rocks while they explored the cliffs.  Barney and one of our sons pulled up one kayak on the ledge and I transferred into the other to paddle around as we waited.  I will confess with the way the water was that day, I wasn't strong enough to successfully handle the canoe on my own.

In the past I LOVED paddling the kayak.  It is so much easier than paddling the canoe, particularly this one as it has a rudder.  This day not so much.  I found myself a little adrift and disconnected ( not because I lack the awesome paddling skills it takes to control one..LOL).  I had very little trouble maneuvering myself in the choppy waters, especially after Barney reminded me of the pedals that controlled the rudder, I just didn't like being out there alone. I could choose whatever direction I wanted, explore what I wanted, ( yell directions to my kids climbing the rocks) but  I realized I preferred the company and security of being in the canoe with him.

It occurred to me this was a living analogy of ttwd.  For years I would jump in the single kayak and paddle around choppy waters, viewing what I wanted.  It even appeared easier than canoeing in the same 'boat' as Barney.  I didn't have to concern myself with how we got to the same spot, just if we made it there eventually together.  Now I find a great insecurity in times like that.  I still know I can manage, I just don't want to.

Paddling with Barney in the canoe was NOT like being Cleopatra, nor did I want it to be once I got in.  There was no 'lily dipping' involved.  At times to make it where we needed to go I had to dig very deep, my right arm aching, ( stupid tendinitis) but not only was it invigorating,  I was calm in knowing he was steering behind me.  I will admit there were a few times I was steering from the front (rocky shoreline, and dead heads in shallow water) as it was needed because he couldn't see, but that was a handful of times and I never forgot that he was the one with the strength steering.

I know I haven't written in a month, but of course that really isn't unusual anymore for me.  Things became really quite awful for a while between he and I.  At one point I was examining myself, and my 'growth'.  I feel like I should shout out that I love my husband, but there was a bit there I was trying to decide how much of myself I was going to sacrifice to be with him.  I realize that sounds awful, and I will try to explain with very little details..LOL.

Over the past 4 years, most of which but not all of that time doing ttwd, I have discovered, unearthed, whatever adjective you would like to use, a great deal about myself.  Not only have I discovered things about myself I have become very comfortable in my own skin.  ( Still a lot of work to be done there, but who isn't a work in progress?).  I could go on about past struggles and discoveries, but there are approx. 180 posts that describe in detail how I got to where I am.  To say it was a difficult 4 years many times, would be the understatement of a lifetime.  The last 9 months have offered some incredible challenges which have bullied their way into our relationship.  YET, yet through it all, I continued to discover and understand myself, even more.  I discovered one day that I truly have the ability to be at peace and totally content.  Don't misunderstand, I am generally I pretty optimistic person, but 'zen like" ?  probably not a description I would have chosen.  I think if I had to choose the greatest thing about ttwd right now that would be it. It gave me the gift of me, warts and all.

A month ago we weren't in a good place.  Prior to that we were both in the same canoe, but it felt like ( my perception, is not always the reality I understand), not only was I steering from the front of the boat, he had dropped anchor.  At times I was able to move us forward, or perhaps he'd dip his paddle in and we'd inch toward where we needed to go, but for the most part not only were we stagnant, the water rushing over the side was threatening to sink us.  I eventually decided in order to save us as individuals we would have to jump over board.  Barney lifted the anchor and we drifted for a day or two.  He then began to paddle like I had never seen before, ( um literally and figuratively..LOL).

I want to point out here, that while this appears to have to do with ttwd, it was the magnifier not the issue at this point.  Have things been better since then?  Absolutely.  Has it been smooths sailing, OH HELL NO!  There have been countless missteps along the way, from both of us.

I will be perfectly honest, I didn't WANT to submit to him on numerous occasions. This is something very new to me. For the most part he took all of that in stride, telling me he knew he had to be stronger.  There were times he beat the living daylights out of me.  Times he walked away, and times he grabbed onto his planking wife, who would not let go and embrace his hug, chuckling and commenting on how feisty and stubborn I can be while he did.

 Did he react in every situation in a way beneficial to us both?  Nope.  But neither did I.  He did however keep going, and by that I mean eventually..LOL .  We both have a lot of history to overcome.

The dreaded C word has been around more and more.  I have been communicating in a somewhat effective way.  I went back to our 'roots' and started writing him emails every few days and explained how or why things did or didn't work for me that day.  I joked that it was his report card, explaining the information was INTEL not a Critique.  Telling him what worked and why has been extremely humbling for me.

For his part Barney initially seemed like a changed man.  When I informed him of this he said he felt different too and he couldn't explain why.  Do I still see that man?  Currently I don' t feel him like I did, but when I brought this up, he said he still feels it~  suppose my perception is off at the moment.
I will admit life has us tossing on the waves again.  Meh.

We are still hitting speed bumps, and neither one of us are surprised by that.  We still have a lot of history both ancient and 'new world' that needs to be overcome.  For the most part though, the feeling of the approach has been different.  I don't feel like a caged animal within myself.  I would be lying if I said I can turn to him as naturally as I have been able to in the past, but I am working on it and hopefully it will become second nature more often than not soon enough.

I just want to end with something that shocked me.  The first time back out of the gate with the physical aspect of ttwd, something happened to me.  I didn't 'melt' or 'swoon' right after.  I had my often typical reaction of thawing about 30 minutes to an hour later.  Barney had continued his, ahem, dominance for a long while after, which I think looking back really helped.  What did happen that day, and for a couple of days after,  the armour crumbled.  It crumbled like it hadn't in MONTHS.  To be honest it shocked me.  HOWEVER,  the hair trigger emotions of last autumn returned not long after the armour crumbled.  This time we were able to talk through it~ but MAN was that messy! Really, really messy, albeit for a shorter time span and Barney was somewhat able to understand it more, as was I.  I eventually confessed that I do have the ability to feel hurt easily, but that doesn't mean he actually is the one hurting me.  A great deal of it can often be attributed to how I see a situation, not really his actions-when I am raw and lacking armour.  I wanted to mention this because I was shocked that I became so unguarded so quickly.  I was shocked that for whatever reason that day, the stars aligned or whatnot,  9 months of being locked up just disappeared.

It didn't last long...LOL...but still! If it can happen so quickly after so much time had passed, it can certainly happen again, though I am not expecting it too necessarily.

There are definitely times where I am steering the front of the canoe, but things are different.  I am steering the canoe away from eminent dangers,ones that Barney may not be able to see from his vantage point.  I suppose really I am just pointing to the dangers and he is taking that information and charting a different course, more than I am actually steering.