Friday, November 11, 2016

A Well Placed Hand and a 'Misplaced' Request

Our reset started much like any other, as the threat of being interrupted is too real now. There was "no hanging from the ceiling' in grand form, but rather over the wedge in our room, ankles strapped down for my benefit more than his.  My arms were left free, so I placed them in my usual position, tucked under my torso.

He began with something that wouldn't allow my brain to compute. Still not learning the art of keeping my mouth shut, and because really what harm could it do?  I mentioned it.  Momentarily he switched, but was not deterred.  He began to speak. This time it was different.  I cannot really recall most of what he was saying, but I could feel it was different.  ( There was no internal eye roll on my part today). I remember he didn't make promises or declarations of things to come.  He did comment on us, on me, on his need.  None of which had me melting away, but it also didn't have drifting away either. I was there.  Present.

The clock ticked away as his varying implements of choice rained down upon me. Everything within me fought it physically, but mentally I tried so very hard to just be.  I could not tell you how long I was there before it happened.  His hand found the back of my neck, " Head down".  He held me there, though not roughly.  I sunk into the mattress below as tears escaped my eyes.  I was starting to let go.

Like most of our resets, the battle of physical pain and emotional release would soon have me in a different place again.  Again he was not deterred.  I bucked, I pulled, I lifted my head.  Something in me was disappointed.  I suppose I believed he was only in the moment, and the moment had passed concerning my head.  After about 10 minutes a well placed hand came down on my neck once again.  No words exchanged this time.  Once again the battle raged within me.  Up came my torso as he struck with vigor. .  " Head down", as he moved my sweaty hair to expose my neck.  I am not sure how much time has passed before he said it again.

As I kicked, and bucked and basically did the Dd version of Lamaze, I didn't feel angry, but I did feel torn.  One minute I was ready to let go, or hoped I would be the next I was lost.  It was then that he walked to my side, moving my hair once again.  He gently, but firmly took my wrists, and pulled my arms out in front of me, " Keep them there. Do not move"  His hand found my neck, " Keep your head down".  From that point on I submitted.  His words were my restraints.  It wasn't easy but I would not fail.  Freedom began to come from it.

***it would be lovely wouldn't it if I could end it here?  But would that REALLY seem like 
Willie ?***

Determined he continued his quest to unearth me.  To set me free.  My mind vacillated  between concentrating on my position as the pain continued to intensify, to my thoughts as I succumb to it. He spoke again, and this would change the entire experience.  " I will not stop until you tell me to....BEG me to, and even then I will decide if the time is right"

While for some this may sound incredibly 'Novel worthy', for me it created a turmoil I didn't know how to deal with.  By this time Dexter was in full swing.  I was being spanked over the remnants of another reset.  It was not an easy go of it physically.  Mentally I felt a pressure to get somewhere else for both our sake.  Those words took me from the journey of letting go to critical thinking mode.  Physically I wanted it to end 30 minutes prior, emotionally I knew it wasn't time. My mind struggled with the masochist word yet again.  What would it mean if it was this intense and I couldn't ask him to stop because it wasn't time?  Why did he give me this 'power'? ( That by the way was not his mindset but it was mine).  I cried...I chanted under my breath, ""

He asked me why I was crying?  " Do you know why you are crying?"   My instant reaction was to shake my head no.  With in seconds I whispered, " Please don't ask me to do that" .  He continued to ask for clarification, which I wasn't able to give at the time. He didn't understand why I would ask that, and to his credit just said, " Okay, but we will be talking about this later. When you are ready"

He continued. Ever so quietly I began to chant 'stopstopstopstopstop' That word became by breath. I focused on my arms and head. I focused on being present and feeling each strike in order to let go.  Periodically my chant would stop and the thought of 'why can't I just let go?' entered my mind.  I tried to set that aside as I know from experience it wouldn't help.  Soon I focused on the colours that past through my line of vision though my eyes were closed.  From past experience, I know I can sink into those colours if I let myself.  My vision was becoming smaller and smaller.  His strikes becoming more rhythmic again. Until, until they were not.  I shot up like a bullet, " STOP!"

He stopped, " Too low.  I'm sorry". Once again I cried.  Perhaps because the destination had vanished right before me, but perhaps more so because he would actually stop.

" Head down"

He started with a light tapping.  In the moment I could have sensed tentative, but he wasn't.  Soon we were back on our way. He was not deterred.  After a while he switched to yet another implement.  One that was lighter on the skin but not less painful.  I could feel the far reaching effects of my spanking ( Dexter splash anyone).  In the past that would have had me afraid, or at the very least distracted.  I moved back to my hands.  " Don't move them" I digested.

Once again he became rhythmic.  I sensed he was drifting away.  I began to fall into the rhythm.  I concentrated on becoming heavy, or I should say focused on the feeling that was coming over me.  From behind I heard something about switching implements.  I shook my heavy head, slowly. Soon his was by my side, once again revealing my face from behind my mass of hair.

" No?"

""  Was all I could muster.

"Tell me why?"  I shook my head slowly.  " You don't want to talk? can't talk can you?"  Again I shook my head.

I knew why I wanted him to stop, I just couldn't voice anything at the time.  I was afraid.  Not of the pain, not really.  I was a ways away from a different place, yet I wasn't in a bad place at that moment either.  My concern was a new implement would have me resisting again.  I knew physically he wouldn't allow me to go on much longer.  I didn't want to end up in a place that was difficult to return from.  Though in retrospect I should have trusted him to 'take me on'. I regret that now.

He stopped.  He told me to remain there, though my ankles were now freed.  He went about the business of washing walls cleaning up.  In a supposed act of kindness he retrieved a cold cloth, and burned me wiped me down.  Within minutes I was shaking uncontrollably.  He covered my legs with a small towel leaving the rest exposed.  When that didn't work, my shoulders were covered with a throw.  I still had no real voice.  Eventually it roared out (not really but under the circumstances it felt that way).  He clued in and got off of the duvet HE was laying on and covered me up more.  I continued to shake for a few minutes more before nodding off for a moment.

We then discussed how I was.  I explained to him how his question made me feel. I shared what was going on in my mind during the time, and also how this took me into critical thinking mode. He explained that was never his intent~ to give me control in anyway though he could now see how I would feel that way. He also recognized the critical thinking mode subject and acknowledged without prompting, that we had discussed this in various forms before.  Noting it wasn't good for me at this point, he apologized.  In his mind he was asking me to submit to something that might make me uncomfortable.  He was still very much in control as he was going to be the one to determine when we stopped.  He then conceded that how I interpreted the question, even though it was not his intent, was what was ultimately important.

All in all can I say this reset was a success? Depends on your version of success I would suppose.  I will say it wasn't a failure.  After all there was a well placed hand, a better understanding of me, of self ~ despite or because there was a misplaced request

Friday, November 4, 2016

The Anger Myth

This post is twofold really, his anger and mine.  Disclaimer here, this is by NO MEANS a one size fits all post. This is about Barney and I.  If your take away is that this is you as well, great you are not alone.  If you find that it is all wrong with your belief system, that is fine also.  As always my blog is based on our personal experiences, thoughts and feelings.  I am not here to 'convert' anyone to my/our line of thinking.  I am merely sharing...

When we first started ttwd in a more traditional Dd sense, if anyone needs a label for the start of our 'adventure', Barney read a lot of blogs.  He absorbed a lot of information.  It is difficult at the beginning to decipher what is 'for' you and what isn't.  I will say at the time he wasn't big on the 'how to' blog of the moment.  He attempted a few suggestions there and ended up completely frustrated as it seemed to appear too cookie cutter for him/us...and anyone who knows me, knows I hardly fall into a specific cookie cutter type mold (as I am sure many of you reading probably feel the same way).  The one thing he did take away and it still rears its 'ugly' head every once in a while is, " Whatever you do, do not spank when you are angry".

WHAT?  you say that is an 'ugly' head???  For us, YES!!!!  I didn't marry a man who needed anger management. I married a kind, somewhat sympathetic (lol) soul.  I have always felt loved by my husband, and respected (though some days I will admit binoculars or maybe fog lights are required to see that...snort).

 Now for me, anger is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar different than RAGE.  Rage is a hopefully fleeting moment, that I haven't seen on my husband's face, but he informs me  when it is in him. ( I know right?  What could I possibly do, sweet, sweet Willie, that would bring out RAGE from this gentle soul ?  ) During these times he steps away or forces me too.  Sometimes I listen, other times...well

The other night, and truthfully I don't even remember how it started, I found myself over the end of the bed (not his go to place or position, but it was an 'inspired' moment let's just say), becoming intimate with his cane~ sadly not a euphemism for anything.  Because I am stupid, and that night apparently uncharacteristically stubborn (oh hush!) I kept flapping my gums,through clenched teeth that is.  Let's just say I didn't agree with the way he saw things. Like that really matters.  After a few minutes of back and forth, both of the cane and verbally, he stopped and sat down. He said he was too angry to continue.

Flash forward about 15 minutes later, and a lot of back and forth, perhaps a bent lexan cane (stupid things won't break!!!)and I was over the bed again.  This time I am not entirely sure how it happened. Oh don't get me wrong I know WHY it happened, just not how.  Somehow my husband morphed into The Flash.  I was over the bed,  pj bottoms ripped, getting the snot beat out of me with a bent cane, which would have been humorous, if it wasn't so painful. I arched my back up, only to have an elbow (I think) pushing me back into place.  My palm was caned deliberately, for not moving it. The sole of my foot whacked, again for not keeping it down. The cane, none too gently flung across the room and replaced with something new.  Again all so quickly. How did he get across the room and back again? He was a man on a mission, and I had no control of this situation,that was for damn sure.  But you know who did?  He did.  Sure he was mad as hell, but he wasn't out of his mind with rage. No doubt rage was there but he was still in control.

Not once was I afraid.  Not once.  At least not of my husband. In fact besides the hand and the foot thing I stayed in place.  Yes I arched my back but that was a automatic response not a flight maneuver.  After a few minutes, I couldn't tell you how long, we heard the toilet flush on the main floor.  Someone had come home. Just like that it was over.  The job wasn't 'complete' but in situations like that where the abrupt stop isn't our doing the tension in the air dissipates at an unbelievably rapid rate. LOL.

I  fell to the ground, our duvet cover still in my clenched fists and sobbed.  Barney asked me why I was sobbing ( not always one to sob over pain...rarely actually though it has happened).  I couldn't tell him.  Just an emotional release I suppose.

Flash forward to the other day.  During a rather emotional discussion, Barney mentioned, "....but I always remember from reading at the start, 'never spank when you are angry' ".  I have had this discussion with several friends ( the submissive type ) over the years.  More often than not the response from them was..."pfft" or some version of that.  With anger, for me, comes conviction. With anger comes the knowledge that he is sincerely pissed off and I have really crossed the line.  This means something to him, it isn't just for 'me'. It is authentic. He is out to make a point and at no time am I going to dissuade him. Can I feel that other times?  Sure but it isn't as instantaneous. Would I want to experience anger ALL the time to that degree?  No I think I'd feel more like a failure than a person that messed up if it was a constant.  Of course having kids in the house doesn't make for many "in the moment spankings" to begin with.

Anyone who 'knows' us, Willie and Dexter Barney, is aware he isn't afraid to keep going until the job is complete. One of the reasons I am not over the end of the bed often is the fact that our bedroom is white.  I'll leave it at that.  Another being that it isn't the best position for Barney's  required 'round house arm movement' that is apparently required for me to 'understand' but I digress.  Barney isn't big on the lightly seasoned spanking. (No judgement, I've got a hard head.  Consider yourself lucky if you can let go with very little.  I am not that person. To be honest those Barney versions of  those spankings just tick me off.  I mean if we are going to do this, let's DO this.) He is more a purveyor of a 5 alarm fire type seasoning.<-  I suppose it is all relative.

Which brings me to another anger.  MINE.  Yup Willie the angry sub.  That is me.  I can't deny it.  Angry before, during and after a spanking at times.  When we first started out Barney was more of a reset guy rather than a punishment guy...probably because he was told not to spank in anger! LOL.  Anyway it was during those times where we realized I had the ability to manifest anger as a defense mechanism.  What can I say?  It is my super power.

  I noticed that when I was told to go and wait, instead of nerves anger started to build in me.  Not toward anyone, but it started to build.  This is probably where Barney learned to hone his craft of  forever and mercilessly spanking me through the anger. While anger almost always happens, spanking me through that stage in a reset  is accomplished most of the time,( probably because the emotions are not as high in these situations). It doesn't happen often in a punishment situation.

 As I have said before punishments for us don't usually 'bring me back'.  In fact often right after I am distant and perhaps angry. It depends on how I was going in. If I was feeling self righteous, or hurt or misunderstood, I will be PISSED off after generally.  My guess is there is a lot of adrenaline coursing through me to deal with the amount of pain inflicted upon my person.  Not too mention the emotional toil. Anger can be wielded as a force field for physical pain in my case.  As my girlfriend once said years ago, "Sometimes it takes a while for the heart to catch up to the bum".  For me it is true.  Barney will often hug a 'plank' after.

 Pfft.  I thaw .................................eventually- hopefully or I find myself back there sooner rather than later.  As for sweet loving? LMAO  sure if you find your husband's leg hair, which suddenly have transformed into torture needles  on your wounded @$$ , while your cervix is being pushed out of your body via your throat sweet.  Then ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes the lovin' is sweet.  So sweet.

Sound horrible? No it isn't. It is a necessary evil.  Well it IS horrible....but that is the point. The anger eventually disappears and hopefully a new me appears.  But what I wanted to share was how for me at least there can be and is often anger.  I harbour no resentment toward my husband. I signed up for this.  It is just an emotion- for whatever reason.  It did take its toll on Barney and sometimes I think still can, (he sometimes sounds like Darth Vader having an asthma attack behind me).  Seriously emotionally I think it was something he needed to overcome, realizing that it is only a stage for me.

Before I got to know a few people who are 'like' me in this way I began to question if I/we were doing this 'right' or rather what was wrong with me?  I mean everyone melts into their husband's arms after a few 'whacks' and 'yes sirs'.  I on the other hand am snorting and snuffing, visualizing my heel coming up and catching him in a more sensitive place. I sweat, pull against restraints, buck...almost curse.  You know the " Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" ?  I growl. To say I am unlady like at the time, is a gross understatement.  I am just gross! LOL. There is nothing beautiful about it.  Well maybe from my husband's point of view. Many times I still think, "Just let go dammit.  What is wrong with you???" Other times I think " Screw you buddy" Not nice but it is honest.

You know when I don't generally have those thoughts?  When my husband is really angry.( By the way I am NOT suggesting you anger your husband! I am just saying that there is no reason in our house for him not to spank when he is 'moderately' angry? lol).

My point?  Relax it is all normal.  For us, spanking when he is angry works better than after he has time to cool off.  For me anger is present more than melting-that makes melting so much sweeter.  The coveted prize if you will.  And if you are still one to only feel anger right away and haven't yet felt the 'climbing into his skin' aspect, give yourself time.  I am sure it can and will happen provided you allow yourself to feel that it is okay to not melt. Know you are not alone.  Release the preconceived notions of what you have read surrounding anger. Release the idea that you need butterflies in your stomach and should always fall into his arms after. Ideally that would be fantastic but if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.  This is life,your life, not a novel.  Spankings are painful and we all deal with pain and emotions in different ways. Sometimes they don't 'work' (OMG did she just say that????)  Be authentic with your feelings surrounding this, not ashamed of them.

(Oooooooh that ended kind of preachy...meh)