Friday, November 4, 2016

The Anger Myth

This post is twofold really, his anger and mine.  Disclaimer here, this is by NO MEANS a one size fits all post. This is about Barney and I.  If your take away is that this is you as well, great you are not alone.  If you find that it is all wrong with your belief system, that is fine also.  As always my blog is based on our personal experiences, thoughts and feelings.  I am not here to 'convert' anyone to my/our line of thinking.  I am merely sharing...

When we first started ttwd in a more traditional Dd sense, if anyone needs a label for the start of our 'adventure', Barney read a lot of blogs.  He absorbed a lot of information.  It is difficult at the beginning to decipher what is 'for' you and what isn't.  I will say at the time he wasn't big on the 'how to' blog of the moment.  He attempted a few suggestions there and ended up completely frustrated as it seemed to appear too cookie cutter for him/us...and anyone who knows me, knows I hardly fall into a specific cookie cutter type mold (as I am sure many of you reading probably feel the same way).  The one thing he did take away and it still rears its 'ugly' head every once in a while is, " Whatever you do, do not spank when you are angry".

WHAT?  you say that is an 'ugly' head???  For us, YES!!!!  I didn't marry a man who needed anger management. I married a kind, somewhat sympathetic (lol) soul.  I have always felt loved by my husband, and respected (though some days I will admit binoculars or maybe fog lights are required to see that...snort).

 Now for me, anger is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar different than RAGE.  Rage is a hopefully fleeting moment, that I haven't seen on my husband's face, but he informs me  when it is in him. ( I know right?  What could I possibly do, sweet, sweet Willie, that would bring out RAGE from this gentle soul ?  ) During these times he steps away or forces me too.  Sometimes I listen, other times...well


The other night, and truthfully I don't even remember how it started, I found myself over the end of the bed (not his go to place or position, but it was an 'inspired' moment let's just say), becoming intimate with his cane~ sadly not a euphemism for anything.  Because I am stupid, and that night apparently uncharacteristically stubborn (oh hush!) I kept flapping my gums,through clenched teeth that is.  Let's just say I didn't agree with the way he saw things. Like that really matters.  After a few minutes of back and forth, both of the cane and verbally, he stopped and sat down. He said he was too angry to continue.

Flash forward about 15 minutes later, and a lot of back and forth, perhaps a bent lexan cane (stupid things won't break!!!)and I was over the bed again.  This time I am not entirely sure how it happened. Oh don't get me wrong I know WHY it happened, just not how.  Somehow my husband morphed into The Flash.  I was over the bed,  pj bottoms ripped, getting the snot beat out of me with a bent cane, which would have been humorous, if it wasn't so painful. I arched my back up, only to have an elbow (I think) pushing me back into place.  My palm was caned deliberately, for not moving it. The sole of my foot whacked, again for not keeping it down. The cane, none too gently flung across the room and replaced with something new.  Again all so quickly. How did he get across the room and back again? He was a man on a mission, and I had no control of this situation,that was for damn sure.  But you know who did?  He did.  Sure he was mad as hell, but he wasn't out of his mind with rage. No doubt rage was there but he was still in control.

Not once was I afraid.  Not once.  At least not of my husband. In fact besides the hand and the foot thing I stayed in place.  Yes I arched my back but that was a automatic response not a flight maneuver.  After a few minutes, I couldn't tell you how long, we heard the toilet flush on the main floor.  Someone had come home. Just like that it was over.  The job wasn't 'complete' but in situations like that where the abrupt stop isn't our doing the tension in the air dissipates at an unbelievably rapid rate. LOL.

I  fell to the ground, our duvet cover still in my clenched fists and sobbed.  Barney asked me why I was sobbing ( not always one to sob over pain...rarely actually though it has happened).  I couldn't tell him.  Just an emotional release I suppose.

Flash forward to the other day.  During a rather emotional discussion, Barney mentioned, "....but I always remember from reading at the start, 'never spank when you are angry' ".  I have had this discussion with several friends ( the submissive type ) over the years.  More often than not the response from them was..."pfft" or some version of that.  With anger, for me, comes conviction. With anger comes the knowledge that he is sincerely pissed off and I have really crossed the line.  This means something to him, it isn't just for 'me'. It is authentic. He is out to make a point and at no time am I going to dissuade him. Can I feel that other times?  Sure but it isn't as instantaneous. Would I want to experience anger ALL the time to that degree?  No I think I'd feel more like a failure than a person that messed up if it was a constant.  Of course having kids in the house doesn't make for many "in the moment spankings" to begin with.

Anyone who 'knows' us, Willie and Dexter Barney, is aware he isn't afraid to keep going until the job is complete. One of the reasons I am not over the end of the bed often is the fact that our bedroom is white.  I'll leave it at that.  Another being that it isn't the best position for Barney's  required 'round house arm movement' that is apparently required for me to 'understand' but I digress.  Barney isn't big on the lightly seasoned spanking. (No judgement, I've got a hard head.  Consider yourself lucky if you can let go with very little.  I am not that person. To be honest those Barney versions of  those spankings just tick me off.  I mean if we are going to do this, let's DO this.) He is more a purveyor of a 5 alarm fire type seasoning.<-  I suppose it is all relative.

Which brings me to another anger.  MINE.  Yup Willie the angry sub.  That is me.  I can't deny it.  Angry before, during and after a spanking at times.  When we first started out Barney was more of a reset guy rather than a punishment guy...probably because he was told not to spank in anger! LOL.  Anyway it was during those times where we realized I had the ability to manifest anger as a defense mechanism.  What can I say?  It is my super power.



  I noticed that when I was told to go and wait, instead of nerves anger started to build in me.  Not toward anyone, but it started to build.  This is probably where Barney learned to hone his craft of  forever and mercilessly spanking me through the anger. While anger almost always happens, spanking me through that stage in a reset  is accomplished most of the time,( probably because the emotions are not as high in these situations). It doesn't happen often in a punishment situation.

 As I have said before punishments for us don't usually 'bring me back'.  In fact often right after I am distant and perhaps angry. It depends on how I was going in. If I was feeling self righteous, or hurt or misunderstood, I will be PISSED off after generally.  My guess is there is a lot of adrenaline coursing through me to deal with the amount of pain inflicted upon my person.  Not too mention the emotional toil. Anger can be wielded as a force field for physical pain in my case.  As my girlfriend once said years ago, "Sometimes it takes a while for the heart to catch up to the bum".  For me it is true.  Barney will often hug a 'plank' after.






 Pfft.  I thaw .................................eventually- hopefully or I find myself back there sooner rather than later.  As for sweet loving? LMAO  sure if you find your husband's leg hair, which suddenly have transformed into torture needles  on your wounded @$$ , while your cervix is being pushed out of your body via your throat sweet.  Then ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes the lovin' is sweet.  So sweet.

Sound horrible? No it isn't. It is a necessary evil.  Well it IS horrible....but that is the point. The anger eventually disappears and hopefully a new me appears.  But what I wanted to share was how for me at least there can be and is often anger.  I harbour no resentment toward my husband. I signed up for this.  It is just an emotion- for whatever reason.  It did take its toll on Barney and sometimes I think still can, (he sometimes sounds like Darth Vader having an asthma attack behind me).  Seriously emotionally I think it was something he needed to overcome, realizing that it is only a stage for me.

Before I got to know a few people who are 'like' me in this way I began to question if I/we were doing this 'right' or rather what was wrong with me?  I mean everyone melts into their husband's arms after a few 'whacks' and 'yes sirs'.  I on the other hand am snorting and snuffing, visualizing my heel coming up and catching him in a more sensitive place. I sweat, pull against restraints, buck...almost curse.  You know the " Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" ?  I growl. To say I am unlady like at the time, is a gross understatement.  I am just gross! LOL. There is nothing beautiful about it.  Well maybe from my husband's point of view. Many times I still think, "Just let go dammit.  What is wrong with you???" Other times I think " Screw you buddy" Not nice but it is honest.

You know when I don't generally have those thoughts?  When my husband is really angry.( By the way I am NOT suggesting you anger your husband! I am just saying that there is no reason in our house for him not to spank when he is 'moderately' angry? lol).

My point?  Relax it is all normal.  For us, spanking when he is angry works better than after he has time to cool off.  For me anger is present more than melting-that makes melting so much sweeter.  The coveted prize if you will.  And if you are still one to only feel anger right away and haven't yet felt the 'climbing into his skin' aspect, give yourself time.  I am sure it can and will happen provided you allow yourself to feel that it is okay to not melt. Know you are not alone.  Release the preconceived notions of what you have read surrounding anger. Release the idea that you need butterflies in your stomach and should always fall into his arms after. Ideally that would be fantastic but if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.  This is life,your life, not a novel.  Spankings are painful and we all deal with pain and emotions in different ways. Sometimes they don't 'work' (OMG did she just say that????)  Be authentic with your feelings surrounding this, not ashamed of them.

(Oooooooh that ended kind of preachy...meh)


20 comments:

  1. We have learned that after a punishment it is best for me to have some alone time. He decides how much, sometimes I feel it is not nearly enough. There are times when I do 'melt' and just want to be cuddled....but there are other times....great post.
    hugs abby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welcome back abby!

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. It really does help to know a seasoned 'vet' (and I mean that with the utmost respect...lol) still has moments of anger after a punishment. I know I just wrote an entire post on it being normal, but there is always this this little niggling in the back of my mind, ya know?

      I really wish that the melting did happen more often, who wouldn't? But I also know that if I think about it, I get too caught up in my head to feel anything. URGH. LOL.

      willie

      Delete
  2. Here is our struggle: Eric starts most spankings off with "You know I'm doing this because I love you" and he's told me many many times he will never spank me when he's angry. The problem is, when he's angry, I am usually an emotional wreck. I'd appreciate a "heated" response rather than his go to - which is to go. When we have anything uncomfortable between us that is truly about us, Eric leaves and he leaves until he is ready to come back. (It has been as long as three days.) I become a basket case. By the time he returns, I'm having anxiety and adrenaline dumps, and sleepless nights, etc. He'll talk to me once he's back and he'll spank me if he thinks it will help but we never really deal with the issue that got us there in the first place. I've got four wicked bruises on my ass right now from a round with an old school stick. The spanking cleared my mind and helped me relax. Eric held me tight as hell after and I teared up at the relief of his arms around me... but the problem, the thing that sent him out the door and away from me to begin with, is still there. Unresolved. Untouched. I don't dare bring it up again for fear he will leave again. Every time I feel like bringing it up, I look at my bottom and remind myself if he does this in love, he must still love me, so I should just not ever tell him what I'm thinking. Sigh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This will have to be in at least TWO comment posts, perhaps more. I suppose I should have just written another damn post! LOL

      Okay well let me take a stab at your comment from my perspective, and then hopefully I can convince Barney to give you (the accurate) his.

      Barney used to say things like "the I love you" stuff during our spankings. I think it was because he needed to for himself, not to reassure me. I know at the start (the first 2 years) he still found it difficult to spank or as he used to say 'strike' his wife. (Now he regularly uses the term beat, so I think he's over it! lol). Barney too still battles the spank when he is angry war. He has taken to saying, " I can't touch you right now because I will beat the living ____ out of you" Which if anyone knew my husband it would shock the living daylights out them to hear that passing his lips. I think this has been a great step for both of us. You see, I now know that the silence is due to him calming down, not thinking of me as 'too much' or 'not worth the effort', or whatever negative internal dialog my brain seems to conjure up that day. Before he began saying that I often felt he lacked conviction,or passion or again whatever my head would concoct. Which maybe is what is going through your mind when Eric 'disappears'?

      Don't get me wrong, Barney regularly 'disappears' on me, though he is actively trying to work on that. It isn't based on anger towards me. Usually it is anger based toward himself or disappointment that he made me feel a certain way. I know Eric jumped on board right away with ttwd Amy, and seems to have taken to it like a duck to water, but there are plenty of areas we all have to overcome, many of which take months or even years to come to light and sometimes longer to put a voice to them.

      Delete
    2. (Part 2)

      Back in June on a road trip where it was just the two of us, ie Barney was trapped! lol... I talked to Barney about unresolved and untouched. I am going to admit something here, (that maybe if people are blind or have lived under a rock for the past 4 years)I don't DO emotion well. Any emotion. Am I a drama queen? No I don't believe so. Like most, I was somewhat stoic before ttwd. As you know once starting ttwd the emotions tend to fly out at an alarming rate. This was okay for Barney for the first couple of years. While I found them very intense, I think he found them normal and reassuring. As time went on, and for lack of a better term we got 'deeper' into this~ I don't even mean physically or even with consistency, just deeper, my emotions became deeper. NOT in a good way a lot of the time. Well the emotions might be okay but my inexperience with them has caused me many a reaction that is NOT okay. That is a lot for a man who was not only married to a stoic woman for 16 years but also for a man who loved the first 2 years of ttwd after that because his wife would cry on his shoulder. Year 3 brought him to learning how to duck and swerve flying objects and curse words. Not pretty, and I'm not proud of it. When this first started to happen Barney retreated, and still does many times. At first I think *and maybe he will tell you differently* that it was more of a 'what the hell just happened???" as opposed to " I am going to KILL HER", which seems to be the case now.LOL. He would 'disappear" perhaps reflecting on what happened and how to fix it? He would come back,we would talk and I think he would take part of the blame, so he would reset me emotionally with a spanking. It would knock the tip off of the iceberg but the rest was still looming underneath~ for both of us. Sadly at the time I was the only one able to admit that. Until our road trip. I explained to him (again, and I don't mean to say again to slag him but to let you know it takes a LOT of the same conversation sometimes) that whatever caused the outburst from me on his end was accidental, but my outburst wasn't. I would explain that I believed and signed up for being held accountable for my words and actions of disrespect REGARDLESS of how we got there (though during that I still reserve the right to be self righteous LOL). I talked to him about how he honestly felt during that time. Turns out he was PISSED off, but later talked himself out of it. After all you can't spank while or shouldn't be angry. Pfft. I'd be pissed off to if I was on the receiving end of THAT! Anyway it turns out through many conversations, and sometimes with men you have to listen very closely because they don't often outright say they feel insecure or worried about things, he was concerned in the moment to make things worse, because of MY reactions. As mentioned before he can't just spank me in the moment because the boys are often here. While talking I realized too that he never lets that go. Not that he holds grudges, but that it takes up real estate in his mind. Guess what he discovered? If he beats the snot out of me later, it is gone. Huh...imagine that! LOL. I believe the word I used that day in the van was closure.

      Delete
    3. (Damn...part 3)

      Often I have to search my brain to remember what transpired to get us to the point where my emotions are all over the place and I 'snap'. I have tried to reassure Barney many times that after the fact, I don't really care if he has made a mistake, or missed something but what he does from that point on. While I understand the need to process, I needed him to understand that I have this fear and anxiety around being left, being too much, being a burden, and when he disappears for any length of time without discussing something, that old soundtrack starts playing in my head. He has gotten so much better about letting me know where his head is at. He's not perfect at it, but then again nor am I and from day one of ttwd we as subs are trained and expected to share....Doms feel they are not. So a large hill to climb for them.

      Okay onto I should never tell him what I am thinking...I GET THAT. I so get that if I tell him, he will walk away to process or whatever! I have other concerns with sharing too, but that is not relevant to this. This is the scary part of ttwd and perhaps the area I have felt the most 'beat up over'. He may not always react the way that I need him to when I share, but deep down inside I KNOW we are never going to get and stay where we both desire to be if I hold back information from him. I share with a disclaimer every time, "Please take this as Intel not a criticism". Some days it works, a lot of days it doesn't. When it doesn't, I pick myself up off of the floor, dust myself off and try again. If nothing else it will bring a conversation eventually that might not cure all, but a if a little nugget of gold can be taken away, then all is not lost.

      Basically if you are feeling, " sigh " when thinking about sharing with Eric, you have work to do. Don't worry, we ALL have work to do. The first step is recognizing that you do, and you've done that. Be brave, you will both continue the same habits until someone stops the circle. If you recognize an issue it is YOUR place to bring it up regardless of 'status' in the D/s. D/s is a power exchange but in your relationship you have equal responsibility.

      Pontificating done..
      willie

      Delete
    4. Pontification well received. Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of this with me. I am hopeful after reading your words. I do know, ultimately Eric puts it upon himself to make me happy so if I am hurt or upset, he retreats feeling as though he has failed. I try to explain that when I reach out to him because something has taken place that causes me emotional pain, it is not because I am blaming him but because I want us to resolve or fix it together. It's almost as though I have to get better before he'll come back. If he needs that away time, I'd much prefer an "I love you but I can't talk about this right now" to his just being gone. My internal voice kills me - and it turns into physical anxiety. He's going to leave me, he doesn't love me.... blah, blah, blah. When Eric did come back around this last time, he took me in the closet and said, "I know you need a spanking Amy and I'm just the man to give it to you." He had me drop my pants and hold onto the bar where our clothes hang. Before he began, he said, "Next time you question how I feel or what I intend to do, start with this: I LOVE YOU." It helped. A extremely harsh spanking, one which ended with me crying into his shoulder, helped as well. He's out of town for three days now. I'm better but still shaky about ever telling him I'm hurting... I hear what you're saying. I'll keep trying. Amy

      Delete
  3. Great post Willie. We don't usually do punishment just fun spankings so I can't put my tow bobs worth in. Interesting to hear you are angry though before, during and after a spanking. I can understand you wanting time alone to sort out your thoughts on it all.
    Hugs Lindy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lindy

      Well I am not ALWAYS angry before, during and after, but it most certainly can happen! Like I said I am not always angry at Barney. I remember one particular time, and a BRUTAL 'beating', if you will, where Barney was asking me questions. He sometimes does this to gauge where I am emotionally. I was answering rather curtly. I will tell you it wasn't him, I was just that spring that became wound tighter as the spanking went on. He would then continue on his task. The next time he asked me questions, I finally said, " I swear it isn't you...I am just angry. I think I will be okay in a little bit". <- Trust me when I tell you the words in print do NOT reflect how they came out of my mouth. He released me and I went to bed and slept for several hours. When I awoke I was calm, submissive, and where I needed to be.

      willie

      Delete
  4. Great post Willie! The key to me is not is he spanking in anger, but is he in control. I like your point too about it feeling more authentic if he is angry...it matters to him. For me, if a spanking had to be delayed it wasn't as effective.

    I absolutely love your last paragraph, we all react differently to each other and our own reactions aren't always the same. I have had times I have melted immediately afterwards and others...lets just say I needed some time and space.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Lady.

      Yes in control...sometimes not very tightly, but he does appear to be in control of his emotions for the most part. When he wasn't last week, he walked away. I suppose I should give him more credit than I did in this post for that. Believe it or not I have a way to 'inspire' his ire. I know, I know, difficult to believe.

      Barney has managed on more than one occasion after multiple discussions to conjure back up those emotions he let lay dormant when a spanking has been delayed. He didn't always do that, but now it is almost like he can flick a switch, and he finds his 'conviction' and I am snapped back. Don't get me wrong it doesn't ALWAYS happen. It depends on the 'infraction'.

      So we can put you in our, 'not always melty' group then Roz? Good to know. Maybe people just don't blog about not melting because it doesn't make them look 'good'? OR they are embarrassed because people generally don't write about not melting, and don't want to stand out? Who knows. LOL

      Roz, do we have to have the 'hug' talk again?
      willie

      Delete
  5. We haven't done really angry in a long time and I think that's a good thing, because if I remember right it felt out of control for both of us. We both need to take a break, calm down and talk before anything happens. It's as you said, there needs to be a sense of control and nobody should feel unsafe. Now ticked off...that's a different story. If there's no emotion behind what is obviously a physical rebuke, then for me it doesn't feel real. I'd prefer to avoid it altogether and I mostly do b/c I'm such an angel...bwahaha. I pay a lot more attention when he's very displeased.

    I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I think maybe "melty" isn't the norm. I think we'd all like to be there more often but at the core, this always come back to communication. I can remember times when he was completely frazzled, I was really upset and it didn't set us to rights, because we hadn't bothered to get to the root of what was really going on in the first place. Other times I'm just not there yet and way back when I think I felt like I should at least try to seem more melty so he knew it worked. I haven't felt that pressure from myself for years now. It is what it is. It often happens later or at least resets my mindset to the point where I might be willing to listen and talk.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry, are you lost? LOL! I kill me....

      So you haven't done angry in a long time eh? ( thought you'd appreciate the eh). Interesting. So you are sweet and submissive laying OTK then? Taking it as is? Snort. Okay then.

      I do understand what you mean about both being angry feeling like out of control. I think there are various levels of anger though. When I am angry prior to a spanking, or during, it is usually a slow simmer. His anger isn't the same during those times. His is more determination, and frustration. When HE is angry during, my anger seems to fly the coop. Oh I TRY to bring it back but it is almost like teeter todder...His level goes up, mine goes down. Okay maybe not, because mine goes up, he's doesn't really go down..LOL, just different.

      I think one couple's ticked off is another couples anger. One man's anger is another man's rage. I think this might be one of those areas, where processing statements shouldn't be done in a blanket form. For Barney he took anger to mean all of the above at one point. As time has gone on he has slowly removed that disclaimer in various forms. A couple of months ago he wouldn't budge. I believe he said something like, "Don't tell me it is okay to be angry right now. You don't know what is going through my head" To which I just sort of went," .......okay then" LOL

      There are times when I sense that I am not moving anywhere because my mind is not where it should be and my heart isn't likely to follow suit either. Yet I hope. Sometimes it actually does work during those times, but I, like you, need to believe he has the conviction behind his words and actions.

      You are such a better wifey than I. I am not sure I have ever tried to seem more melty for him. Orrrr you know, it is that darn poker face of mine that gives me away every time, because he always knows. And just like you, at the very least it does get me to the point where I can express myself a bit better, listen? oh sure that too!

      Delete
  6. Great post! As someone else mentioned, in control is much more important than whether there is anger or not (on his part or mine). And sometimes I do feel all melty afterward ... but other times, well, let's just say that it's in his (and my) best interest to let me finish processing. lol Truth be told though, punishment/discipline spankings aren't really a part of our dynamic these days or at least they're few and far between. At any rate, why should any of us feel like we need to do ttwd or experience it the same way as others? One size/style fits all is a fallacy. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And another one in the not so melty group ...at least not all the time. Welcome, Look at that it isn't as lonely in the room as once thought! lol

      Delete
  7. Anger is awesome.
    I actually took it as a compliment the first time my Owner let his guard down enough to beat me while he was angry--that took a lot, he had to trust I wouldn't run for the hills or call the cops and and angry sex can be so sublime. His version of aftercare is slapping me on the behind, telling me to clean up the mess and make his tea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh and on the whole being angry at him thing after a 'punishment'? He saw me giving him his resentment as further proof that he owned me. Sometimes I would say to him, "I hate you", in the moments he left me stewing. His reply was always, "Good. You will hate me but you will still obey."

      Great post!

      Delete
    2. I like how you think Bleue. The first few times it happened I actually smiled, until 'it' started. I felt like Barney was able to just 'be'. Something I strive for personally. I didn't want him to feel guilty. I wanted him to go with his feelings. He came from years of suppression of certain emotions. This was a huge step for him. I am not sure I have experienced 'angry' sex but I do know that he is VERY dominant after *wink*

      Delete
    3. Interesting that he saw it that way, though I suppose it makes sense really. Initially Barney took it personally, or that he didn't do his job right. Now, well now it depends. If he is angry too, he just rolls with it! I can't think of a one liner that he has used, mostly because when I am pissed off I don't remember things, but I know he has said things akin to what your man has said...annoying at the time, but great later.

      Delete
  8. Maybe it should be never spank when you're angry and out of control...versus angry, but in control. Maybe it's because of the job I do, but controlled aggression is sort of sexy.

    ReplyDelete