Friday, November 11, 2016

A Well Placed Hand and a 'Misplaced' Request

Our reset started much like any other, as the threat of being interrupted is too real now. There was "no hanging from the ceiling' in grand form, but rather over the wedge in our room, ankles strapped down for my benefit more than his.  My arms were left free, so I placed them in my usual position, tucked under my torso.

He began with something that wouldn't allow my brain to compute. Still not learning the art of keeping my mouth shut, and because really what harm could it do?  I mentioned it.  Momentarily he switched, but was not deterred.  He began to speak. This time it was different.  I cannot really recall most of what he was saying, but I could feel it was different.  ( There was no internal eye roll on my part today). I remember he didn't make promises or declarations of things to come.  He did comment on us, on me, on his need.  None of which had me melting away, but it also didn't have drifting away either. I was there.  Present.

The clock ticked away as his varying implements of choice rained down upon me. Everything within me fought it physically, but mentally I tried so very hard to just be.  I could not tell you how long I was there before it happened.  His hand found the back of my neck, " Head down".  He held me there, though not roughly.  I sunk into the mattress below as tears escaped my eyes.  I was starting to let go.

Like most of our resets, the battle of physical pain and emotional release would soon have me in a different place again.  Again he was not deterred.  I bucked, I pulled, I lifted my head.  Something in me was disappointed.  I suppose I believed he was only in the moment, and the moment had passed concerning my head.  After about 10 minutes a well placed hand came down on my neck once again.  No words exchanged this time.  Once again the battle raged within me.  Up came my torso as he struck with vigor. .  " Head down", as he moved my sweaty hair to expose my neck.  I am not sure how much time has passed before he said it again.

As I kicked, and bucked and basically did the Dd version of Lamaze, I didn't feel angry, but I did feel torn.  One minute I was ready to let go, or hoped I would be the next I was lost.  It was then that he walked to my side, moving my hair once again.  He gently, but firmly took my wrists, and pulled my arms out in front of me, " Keep them there. Do not move"  His hand found my neck, " Keep your head down".  From that point on I submitted.  His words were my restraints.  It wasn't easy but I would not fail.  Freedom began to come from it.

***it would be lovely wouldn't it if I could end it here?  But would that REALLY seem like 
Willie ?***

Determined he continued his quest to unearth me.  To set me free.  My mind vacillated  between concentrating on my position as the pain continued to intensify, to my thoughts as I succumb to it. He spoke again, and this would change the entire experience.  " I will not stop until you tell me to....BEG me to, and even then I will decide if the time is right"

While for some this may sound incredibly 'Novel worthy', for me it created a turmoil I didn't know how to deal with.  By this time Dexter was in full swing.  I was being spanked over the remnants of another reset.  It was not an easy go of it physically.  Mentally I felt a pressure to get somewhere else for both our sake.  Those words took me from the journey of letting go to critical thinking mode.  Physically I wanted it to end 30 minutes prior, emotionally I knew it wasn't time. My mind struggled with the masochist word yet again.  What would it mean if it was this intense and I couldn't ask him to stop because it wasn't time?  Why did he give me this 'power'? ( That by the way was not his mindset but it was mine).  I cried...I chanted under my breath, ""

He asked me why I was crying?  " Do you know why you are crying?"   My instant reaction was to shake my head no.  With in seconds I whispered, " Please don't ask me to do that" .  He continued to ask for clarification, which I wasn't able to give at the time. He didn't understand why I would ask that, and to his credit just said, " Okay, but we will be talking about this later. When you are ready"

He continued. Ever so quietly I began to chant 'stopstopstopstopstop' That word became by breath. I focused on my arms and head. I focused on being present and feeling each strike in order to let go.  Periodically my chant would stop and the thought of 'why can't I just let go?' entered my mind.  I tried to set that aside as I know from experience it wouldn't help.  Soon I focused on the colours that past through my line of vision though my eyes were closed.  From past experience, I know I can sink into those colours if I let myself.  My vision was becoming smaller and smaller.  His strikes becoming more rhythmic again. Until, until they were not.  I shot up like a bullet, " STOP!"

He stopped, " Too low.  I'm sorry". Once again I cried.  Perhaps because the destination had vanished right before me, but perhaps more so because he would actually stop.

" Head down"

He started with a light tapping.  In the moment I could have sensed tentative, but he wasn't.  Soon we were back on our way. He was not deterred.  After a while he switched to yet another implement.  One that was lighter on the skin but not less painful.  I could feel the far reaching effects of my spanking ( Dexter splash anyone).  In the past that would have had me afraid, or at the very least distracted.  I moved back to my hands.  " Don't move them" I digested.

Once again he became rhythmic.  I sensed he was drifting away.  I began to fall into the rhythm.  I concentrated on becoming heavy, or I should say focused on the feeling that was coming over me.  From behind I heard something about switching implements.  I shook my heavy head, slowly. Soon his was by my side, once again revealing my face from behind my mass of hair.

" No?"

""  Was all I could muster.

"Tell me why?"  I shook my head slowly.  " You don't want to talk? can't talk can you?"  Again I shook my head.

I knew why I wanted him to stop, I just couldn't voice anything at the time.  I was afraid.  Not of the pain, not really.  I was a ways away from a different place, yet I wasn't in a bad place at that moment either.  My concern was a new implement would have me resisting again.  I knew physically he wouldn't allow me to go on much longer.  I didn't want to end up in a place that was difficult to return from.  Though in retrospect I should have trusted him to 'take me on'. I regret that now.

He stopped.  He told me to remain there, though my ankles were now freed.  He went about the business of washing walls cleaning up.  In a supposed act of kindness he retrieved a cold cloth, and burned me wiped me down.  Within minutes I was shaking uncontrollably.  He covered my legs with a small towel leaving the rest exposed.  When that didn't work, my shoulders were covered with a throw.  I still had no real voice.  Eventually it roared out (not really but under the circumstances it felt that way).  He clued in and got off of the duvet HE was laying on and covered me up more.  I continued to shake for a few minutes more before nodding off for a moment.

We then discussed how I was.  I explained to him how his question made me feel. I shared what was going on in my mind during the time, and also how this took me into critical thinking mode. He explained that was never his intent~ to give me control in anyway though he could now see how I would feel that way. He also recognized the critical thinking mode subject and acknowledged without prompting, that we had discussed this in various forms before.  Noting it wasn't good for me at this point, he apologized.  In his mind he was asking me to submit to something that might make me uncomfortable.  He was still very much in control as he was going to be the one to determine when we stopped.  He then conceded that how I interpreted the question, even though it was not his intent, was what was ultimately important.

All in all can I say this reset was a success? Depends on your version of success I would suppose.  I will say it wasn't a failure.  After all there was a well placed hand, a better understanding of me, of self ~ despite or because there was a misplaced request

Friday, November 4, 2016

The Anger Myth

This post is twofold really, his anger and mine.  Disclaimer here, this is by NO MEANS a one size fits all post. This is about Barney and I.  If your take away is that this is you as well, great you are not alone.  If you find that it is all wrong with your belief system, that is fine also.  As always my blog is based on our personal experiences, thoughts and feelings.  I am not here to 'convert' anyone to my/our line of thinking.  I am merely sharing...

When we first started ttwd in a more traditional Dd sense, if anyone needs a label for the start of our 'adventure', Barney read a lot of blogs.  He absorbed a lot of information.  It is difficult at the beginning to decipher what is 'for' you and what isn't.  I will say at the time he wasn't big on the 'how to' blog of the moment.  He attempted a few suggestions there and ended up completely frustrated as it seemed to appear too cookie cutter for him/us...and anyone who knows me, knows I hardly fall into a specific cookie cutter type mold (as I am sure many of you reading probably feel the same way).  The one thing he did take away and it still rears its 'ugly' head every once in a while is, " Whatever you do, do not spank when you are angry".

WHAT?  you say that is an 'ugly' head???  For us, YES!!!!  I didn't marry a man who needed anger management. I married a kind, somewhat sympathetic (lol) soul.  I have always felt loved by my husband, and respected (though some days I will admit binoculars or maybe fog lights are required to see that...snort).

 Now for me, anger is faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar different than RAGE.  Rage is a hopefully fleeting moment, that I haven't seen on my husband's face, but he informs me  when it is in him. ( I know right?  What could I possibly do, sweet, sweet Willie, that would bring out RAGE from this gentle soul ?  ) During these times he steps away or forces me too.  Sometimes I listen, other times...well

The other night, and truthfully I don't even remember how it started, I found myself over the end of the bed (not his go to place or position, but it was an 'inspired' moment let's just say), becoming intimate with his cane~ sadly not a euphemism for anything.  Because I am stupid, and that night apparently uncharacteristically stubborn (oh hush!) I kept flapping my gums,through clenched teeth that is.  Let's just say I didn't agree with the way he saw things. Like that really matters.  After a few minutes of back and forth, both of the cane and verbally, he stopped and sat down. He said he was too angry to continue.

Flash forward about 15 minutes later, and a lot of back and forth, perhaps a bent lexan cane (stupid things won't break!!!)and I was over the bed again.  This time I am not entirely sure how it happened. Oh don't get me wrong I know WHY it happened, just not how.  Somehow my husband morphed into The Flash.  I was over the bed,  pj bottoms ripped, getting the snot beat out of me with a bent cane, which would have been humorous, if it wasn't so painful. I arched my back up, only to have an elbow (I think) pushing me back into place.  My palm was caned deliberately, for not moving it. The sole of my foot whacked, again for not keeping it down. The cane, none too gently flung across the room and replaced with something new.  Again all so quickly. How did he get across the room and back again? He was a man on a mission, and I had no control of this situation,that was for damn sure.  But you know who did?  He did.  Sure he was mad as hell, but he wasn't out of his mind with rage. No doubt rage was there but he was still in control.

Not once was I afraid.  Not once.  At least not of my husband. In fact besides the hand and the foot thing I stayed in place.  Yes I arched my back but that was a automatic response not a flight maneuver.  After a few minutes, I couldn't tell you how long, we heard the toilet flush on the main floor.  Someone had come home. Just like that it was over.  The job wasn't 'complete' but in situations like that where the abrupt stop isn't our doing the tension in the air dissipates at an unbelievably rapid rate. LOL.

I  fell to the ground, our duvet cover still in my clenched fists and sobbed.  Barney asked me why I was sobbing ( not always one to sob over pain...rarely actually though it has happened).  I couldn't tell him.  Just an emotional release I suppose.

Flash forward to the other day.  During a rather emotional discussion, Barney mentioned, "....but I always remember from reading at the start, 'never spank when you are angry' ".  I have had this discussion with several friends ( the submissive type ) over the years.  More often than not the response from them was..."pfft" or some version of that.  With anger, for me, comes conviction. With anger comes the knowledge that he is sincerely pissed off and I have really crossed the line.  This means something to him, it isn't just for 'me'. It is authentic. He is out to make a point and at no time am I going to dissuade him. Can I feel that other times?  Sure but it isn't as instantaneous. Would I want to experience anger ALL the time to that degree?  No I think I'd feel more like a failure than a person that messed up if it was a constant.  Of course having kids in the house doesn't make for many "in the moment spankings" to begin with.

Anyone who 'knows' us, Willie and Dexter Barney, is aware he isn't afraid to keep going until the job is complete. One of the reasons I am not over the end of the bed often is the fact that our bedroom is white.  I'll leave it at that.  Another being that it isn't the best position for Barney's  required 'round house arm movement' that is apparently required for me to 'understand' but I digress.  Barney isn't big on the lightly seasoned spanking. (No judgement, I've got a hard head.  Consider yourself lucky if you can let go with very little.  I am not that person. To be honest those Barney versions of  those spankings just tick me off.  I mean if we are going to do this, let's DO this.) He is more a purveyor of a 5 alarm fire type seasoning.<-  I suppose it is all relative.

Which brings me to another anger.  MINE.  Yup Willie the angry sub.  That is me.  I can't deny it.  Angry before, during and after a spanking at times.  When we first started out Barney was more of a reset guy rather than a punishment guy...probably because he was told not to spank in anger! LOL.  Anyway it was during those times where we realized I had the ability to manifest anger as a defense mechanism.  What can I say?  It is my super power.

  I noticed that when I was told to go and wait, instead of nerves anger started to build in me.  Not toward anyone, but it started to build.  This is probably where Barney learned to hone his craft of  forever and mercilessly spanking me through the anger. While anger almost always happens, spanking me through that stage in a reset  is accomplished most of the time,( probably because the emotions are not as high in these situations). It doesn't happen often in a punishment situation.

 As I have said before punishments for us don't usually 'bring me back'.  In fact often right after I am distant and perhaps angry. It depends on how I was going in. If I was feeling self righteous, or hurt or misunderstood, I will be PISSED off after generally.  My guess is there is a lot of adrenaline coursing through me to deal with the amount of pain inflicted upon my person.  Not too mention the emotional toil. Anger can be wielded as a force field for physical pain in my case.  As my girlfriend once said years ago, "Sometimes it takes a while for the heart to catch up to the bum".  For me it is true.  Barney will often hug a 'plank' after.

 Pfft.  I thaw .................................eventually- hopefully or I find myself back there sooner rather than later.  As for sweet loving? LMAO  sure if you find your husband's leg hair, which suddenly have transformed into torture needles  on your wounded @$$ , while your cervix is being pushed out of your body via your throat sweet.  Then ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes the lovin' is sweet.  So sweet.

Sound horrible? No it isn't. It is a necessary evil.  Well it IS horrible....but that is the point. The anger eventually disappears and hopefully a new me appears.  But what I wanted to share was how for me at least there can be and is often anger.  I harbour no resentment toward my husband. I signed up for this.  It is just an emotion- for whatever reason.  It did take its toll on Barney and sometimes I think still can, (he sometimes sounds like Darth Vader having an asthma attack behind me).  Seriously emotionally I think it was something he needed to overcome, realizing that it is only a stage for me.

Before I got to know a few people who are 'like' me in this way I began to question if I/we were doing this 'right' or rather what was wrong with me?  I mean everyone melts into their husband's arms after a few 'whacks' and 'yes sirs'.  I on the other hand am snorting and snuffing, visualizing my heel coming up and catching him in a more sensitive place. I sweat, pull against restraints, buck...almost curse.  You know the " Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" ?  I growl. To say I am unlady like at the time, is a gross understatement.  I am just gross! LOL. There is nothing beautiful about it.  Well maybe from my husband's point of view. Many times I still think, "Just let go dammit.  What is wrong with you???" Other times I think " Screw you buddy" Not nice but it is honest.

You know when I don't generally have those thoughts?  When my husband is really angry.( By the way I am NOT suggesting you anger your husband! I am just saying that there is no reason in our house for him not to spank when he is 'moderately' angry? lol).

My point?  Relax it is all normal.  For us, spanking when he is angry works better than after he has time to cool off.  For me anger is present more than melting-that makes melting so much sweeter.  The coveted prize if you will.  And if you are still one to only feel anger right away and haven't yet felt the 'climbing into his skin' aspect, give yourself time.  I am sure it can and will happen provided you allow yourself to feel that it is okay to not melt. Know you are not alone.  Release the preconceived notions of what you have read surrounding anger. Release the idea that you need butterflies in your stomach and should always fall into his arms after. Ideally that would be fantastic but if you don't feel it, you don't feel it.  This is life,your life, not a novel.  Spankings are painful and we all deal with pain and emotions in different ways. Sometimes they don't 'work' (OMG did she just say that????)  Be authentic with your feelings surrounding this, not ashamed of them.

(Oooooooh that ended kind of preachy...meh)

Sunday, October 9, 2016

So True

I know I shared this publicly on Willie's World but I do love these  ( I will answer my comments on the last post soon.  Thanks for them !)

Surrender isn't about giving up or giving in,
 it is about giving over.

and my favourite quote,

Oops not that one...

This one

Thursday, September 29, 2016

The Beating, The Beautiful and The Beast

Okay the money where my mouth is ladies.  You convinced me +Pearl N and Bleue.  First we have to head back in time, oh and grab a comfy seat for those of you that can sit down currently, I have a feeling this will be a long ramble. (Shocking I know!)

A couple of weeks ago, after our trip I was feeling off.  WAY off.  Part of it was due to the fact I perceived (and I still believe rightly so, but I'll leave it at that for now) that Barney was edging back to where we were before. Okay that is a bit of a blanket statement.  He wasn't BACK there but elements were starting to creep in. With that happening my insecurity was starting to build.  I did try to talk to him several times.  I even used phrases like, "I could be wrong but my perception is...".  He assured me I was wrong.  As the week went on, I kept giving him examples as to why I felt that way, his reactions or actions differed. He still contended that he felt the same.  What is a girl to do?  Well I am not sure what she is to do, I just know what happened here.  I imploded.

In the interest of trying to make this NOT as long, I'll give you bullet points

  • 'discussion' about how my perception vs reality might actually be pertinent
  • his point of 'it seems to happen so quickly' shot down by actual examples of how many times I tried to talk to him over the past week
  • then the hurt/brat arrived....outside at midnight by myself (crying but of course HE didn't show up to see that part...only me almost asleep~ so no brownie points there)
  • not literally following him inside or upstairs or anywhere for that matter after being told to
more of the same

Anyway that OBVIOUSLY led to a punishment.  Ah but the joys of having a child that is no longer in school and currently only works part time~ oh and a wife that was less than co-operative mentally gave us 3 false starts in as many days. ( I'll leave out the being punished for the same thing, not same action different days. SAME THING...which led to another mix up....ahhhhhhhhhh the learning curve, so much fun!)  After ALL of that was sort of cleared up, D-day Part Trois arrived.

I couldn't tell you why, as I haven't a clue but boy do I wish I had so I could replicate it again, but I was in a different mental space before the punishment even began.  Barney told me to go down into our storage/laundry room, strip and wait.  This is pretty standard procedure here.  I knew I was getting punished and then he was going to reset.  The latter having been pushed aside over the summer, sadly the former had not.  When I went into what I refer to the back room, I saw his/my? cuffs dangling from the rafters.  Okay this was new.  Immediately I thought of my arm, ( I have tendinitis and I am very wary of doing things that might give me set backs).  I had to evaluate in my own head/heart what my actually feelings were concerning this. Deciding that I was probably being fearful yet the possibility of trying to use that as a cover for control, I opted to just go with it.  After all if I couldn't manage any longer my husband would release me.

I don't recall his demeanor when he came in.  I suppose that would indicate that he wasn't much different than he normally is.  He was all business strapping my arms up and my ankles, shoulder width a part, ( that is typical as I have a tendency to flip up my feet~ yes the soles have been caned because of it, but damn, I'm not good at remembering in the moment).  Being restrained, even if the main reason is for safety has an effect on my mindset and my control, as I am sure it does for many.  Truthfully  I could unhook my 'cuffs'with little difficulty, with the flick of my thumbs, but it is the symbolism more than anything I suppose.

Okay, now for the stuff....LOL... Barney started wailing on me, with what I assumed was one of his canes.  I fair much better if I don't know what he is going to use.  I have a tendency to see, absorb and then control my pain because I know what is coming.  I KNOW, so not the point.  I am a work in progress when it comes to embracing it.  Before I continue, I should point out for those who haven't been here since the beginning, I am a bit of a bleeder ( a BIT...bwahhaaa...I refer to Barney as Dexter).  It isn't that I am seriously injured, it is just that I have two spots the size of dimes on either cheek that tend to always bleed.  They heal so you see nothing, yet they are right back again with more impact.  They actually don't hurt at all. Though the blood running down my leg CAN be a bit of a distraction, for ME not for Dexter!

Okay so back to the beating...and yes it was a beating(though not abuse *wink*).  I have had spankings and trust me this is VERY different.  He did the usual spiel about why I was there and how he was tired of it...etc... etc.  I am not being dismissive, just illustrating that it wasn't out of the ordinary.  I on the other hand was not reacting the way I normally do.  I have a couple of  classic Willie responses, remorse being the IDEAL one, the other is anger.  Anger mostly due to the pain.  He is very fond of traveling down my legs during any kind of spanking. He claims it is due to lack of real estate. While I think that is sweet, I know it is just because he is MEAN...LOL .  This day he was very close to the back of my knees.  You know the part where those cordy things are?  I will admit any other day I would have probably freaked! This day, I said, " please be careful of..." Anger never entered the picture, um nor did remorse, but never mind that..LOL

(insert more lecture/beating/and dabbing of primary blood source with wipes....)

He then moved on to his reset.  Canes (thankfully) are not generally used during resets.  Don't breathe a sigh of relief for me however~ lol.   As Pearl pointed out in her post, he changes implements but the reset isn't any less severe than the punishment physically. As the reset began I became even more aware of myself.   I began trying to concentrate on what was happening, my body, my pain, his words (though that can be difficult).  I had just taken a shower, and my hair was still dripping.  My body was sweating,more like glistening...(always the lady).  I could feel the water and or sweat running down my back, into my cleft.  I could also feel the blood running down my legs, but you know, not as peaceful of a sensation, so I tried to ignore that.  My arms long since forgotten.  I was relaxing yet feeling the impact.  I wasn't drifting away, nor was I even thinking about subspace. I wouldn't have made it there in all likelihood as every once and a while he'd land a strike that had my eyes bugging out and my breath being sucked in.  Gone was the moving around.  I was suspended, not literally.  I was weightless.  In that moment for whatever reason, instead of the snorting beast I can normally feel like during a 'beating', I felt beautiful.  I can't explain why, but I did

It was during this time that Barney began to speak to me.  He began saying things I never thought my husband would say, so much so I never even consciously WISHED he'd say them.  He told me I was beautiful restrained like that before him.  He told me he not only wants my submission, he needs it, he desires it.  It allows him to be who he truly is.  (Now under any other circumstance, I would have said/thought 'come again? Who are you?' or I would have cried).  I just took this all in with the sensations that were going on.  Not sure why I feel I should mention this, but I wasn't feeling sexual at all (though that has happened countless times during or after a reset).  I was feeling very sensual however~ and for a woman who is about as sensual as Sally Field that is saying a lot!  

I was not entering subspace.  I will admit to dancing around it I believe, but there was no let down because I didn't enter it.  In that moment I was existing, but living all at the same time.  I was no longer there for me and my mindset, I was there for him.  Truthfully I didn't ever believe that day would come.  My submission would have been rated at its all time high that day, and it didn't mentally or emotionally cost me a thing.

Concerned about the speed in which the blood was flowing, Barney informed me that he would have to switch back to the cane.  I slowly shook my head, in a pleading manner.  He agreed.  The cane might have changed everything that day, or maybe not.  I do associate it with punishments (though they are not the exclusive implement for that, it only shows up during those times).

He unhooked me, wrapped me in a robe and held me.  Truthfully he held me up. 

 This is where my mind became very confused.  I knew I hadn't entered subspace, yet the similarities were shockingly there.  Something I had never experienced before, without subspace.  I began to wonder in my mind if I was constructing me responses and they were not genuine. ( Yeah I'm a novice).  I was once high on mushrooms with a group of friends in my early 20s.  Because I was apparently the runt of the litter that night I was only given half of what everyone else took.  They were completely 'gone' . I had the ability that night to embrace being high but I could also try and concentrate on staying sober-like having a foot in both worlds.  This is how I can best describe that day.  I decided to focus on the high.

Barney carried me upstairs, sounds so romantic doesn't it?  Sorry ladies, fairy tale illusions about to be shattered,I was over his shoulder.  He placed me on the bathroom floor and for some reason turned me around so my back was to the vanity mirror.  For a brief second I was 'sober'.  In my head I heard my voice yell " Oh My GOD!  You look like an extreme photo from Fetlife!"  I say in my head, because I was no where near ready or able to actually use my voice.  He then left me there. I know right? But you can put down the torches and pitch forks.  He had to clean up the back room because our son could be home any minute, and remember Dexter lives here.  I don't have the funds for that kind of on going therapy!

I started to shiver.  Slowly I walked toward the tub and began to fill it.  Even slower still I eased myself down.  All the while I was questioning my reality.   I sat there in a now slightly orange tinted tub of water, noticing the copper smell of blood. I questioned how I could I not be a masochist, if I felt such calmness after all of that.  Thoughts came and left my head quickly, yet slowly.  I know that doesn't make sense.  

My eyes felt huge, and I felt very childlike....vulnerable, 

yet ....yet.... I don't know the right word.  I felt unearthed.  I felt free, though not over the top. 

 I . 

 And it was magnificent.  It would have been better than subspace, because I felt ...yet it wasn't because my mind was still trying to figure out every once and a while, if I was making up a fantasy that I wanted.  But truth be told my imagination isn't THAT good.

Barney returned and helped me into bed.  I can't say I was exhausted like I normally am after a 'beating'.  I was , but I wasn't.  My voice had yet to return, so I just lay there for a while.  I am unsure if I fell asleep.

Much later we went out, walking was extremely difficult.  However it wasn't the worst I have ever looked, after I was cleaned up that is.  That shot nearer to the back of my knees was VERY prominent, yet no where near where I thought it would be.

The next day I had to ask Barney some questions.  I wanted, no needed to know how he felt about the day before.  He again expressed concern about the speed in which the blood was streaming yet it wasn't enough to stop him.  He told me he didn't preplan saying any of those things.  I could tell because he has a tendency to sound rote when he pre plans.  He informed me it came from the heart.  He said he saw that I was 'in the zone' and he quite easily could have joined me 'in that zone' yet he was too afraid to embrace that for fear of me becoming hurt.  Again words I never thought in a million years I would hear my husband, and an experience I never dreamed of having, or even desired I suppose, beyond curiosity.

I expressed to him that I was concerned.  He knew right away what I was referring too ( another first of sorts.snort).  He assured me that he knew I would be needing more.  I have often said I can't be cut off could turkey after something intense.  I need to be weened off or let down gently.  He told me it wasn't going to happen this time.  Well life does have a tendency to get in the way.  I am fine with dealing with that, provided once the interruption subsides, we are RIGHT back on track.

A few days later he said to me, while his experience was obviously different than mine, and he had tried to project himself into my feelings, he didn't think he really understood, until that day.  He said he felt his version of a drop, but not the way I most likely did.  He then gave me a mini reset.  This time he said it was every bit as much for him as it was for me.  He reassured me that he had me and he wasn't going to coast.

Have things been clear sailing since then?  Pfft..  I'll post this question once again, " Are you NEW here?"  LOL.  In fact just this week we have had a few issues pop up.  I honestly believe the issues are with me (though he does have a way of inspiring small issues to become great...just sayin').  I think the connection from the previous reset casts a huge shadow over us.  I am NOT expecting to experience that every time, however the fear of what is to come and where we will end up after because of our experience  is VERY real.

I was profoundly moved by the words Barney said that day.  Physicality not withstanding, I ended up in a different place because of those words. Part of me believes that I put more weight and significance on that day than he does.  Of course this is causing all sorts of needless insecurity on my part.  Naturally I am going to place more weight on the experience than he did. He was expressing what he already felt and knew.  I was the one who was enlightened that day not him.  He accepted who he is, and I was 'blindsided' in a good way by it.  That day will forever be etched in my mind, and not because of my endorphin induced 'coma'. For him the gradual and painful process of accepting who he is was spoken out loud that day, but it wasn't a shocking experience because he had long since known.

I have contemplated writing this post of a couple of weeks now.  First off I was unsure how write my experience down in a way that gave it justice.  (I am still unsure if I managed that.) In the end there seemed to be more reasons to write as opposed to not.  A large reason to share was a few of you.  Many of you have followed along with our adventure since the very start, or close to it.  Many of you have also experienced the insecurity of wondering when or if your husband will ever feel comfortable in his 'role' (though I hate that terminology in this case).  I can't guarantee that it will ever happen, but I wanted to share with you that it could very well.  Trust me when I tell you we were on the brink of ruin not that long ago, Barney and I.  I felt lost and I didn't truly believe he had it in him to 'find' me, or even want to search for me.  He did.

Another reason I decided to attempt this post was for the few of you I have talked to about your changing dynamics.  As you know we started out under the very large umbrella known as Dd.  Actually for years I said we were Dd lite.  Never in a million years would I have pictured myself, my needs, or my relationship where it currently is now.  Nor do I have any preconceived notions of what tomorrow will bring, aside from struggle.  That is almost a guarantee! lol  I understand when you feel like you are not Dd , you are not D/s, you are not BSDM yet you are ALL of those things too. And that is okay.  I like to think of it as a buffet.  Take what you want from whatever appeals to you, and maybe try something new.  If you don't like it, leave it.  Just make sure you have enough on your plate to feel satisfied.  And if tomorrow you decide that maybe you should have tried the sauteed greens, go back an get them.  Nothing is written in stone, as we are forever changing.

Perhaps the biggest reason for me writing this post was for Barney and myself.  I needed Barney to be brought in, as best he could.  I also needed to write this so next week,next month potentially next year, I can remember where I was...after I am somewhere else.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Analogy and an Update

Not too long ago part of our family went on a little getaway.  One of the days 4 of us decided to go for a little canoe and kayaking trip down the lake. Two family members took out kayaks and Barney and I were in our canoe.  I love being in the canoe, paddling it?  Not so much.  In my mind I had a vision of Cleopatra being paddled around.

After about an hour of paddling we reached some 'cliffs' where one of the boys wanted to jump from. The shoreline in that part of the lake was very rugged and therefore difficult to tie off the kayaks.  In addition the water was choppy that day, and we didn't want the kayaks banging into the rocks while they explored the cliffs.  Barney and one of our sons pulled up one kayak on the ledge and I transferred into the other to paddle around as we waited.  I will confess with the way the water was that day, I wasn't strong enough to successfully handle the canoe on my own.

In the past I LOVED paddling the kayak.  It is so much easier than paddling the canoe, particularly this one as it has a rudder.  This day not so much.  I found myself a little adrift and disconnected ( not because I lack the awesome paddling skills it takes to control one..LOL).  I had very little trouble maneuvering myself in the choppy waters, especially after Barney reminded me of the pedals that controlled the rudder, I just didn't like being out there alone. I could choose whatever direction I wanted, explore what I wanted, ( yell directions to my kids climbing the rocks) but  I realized I preferred the company and security of being in the canoe with him.

It occurred to me this was a living analogy of ttwd.  For years I would jump in the single kayak and paddle around choppy waters, viewing what I wanted.  It even appeared easier than canoeing in the same 'boat' as Barney.  I didn't have to concern myself with how we got to the same spot, just if we made it there eventually together.  Now I find a great insecurity in times like that.  I still know I can manage, I just don't want to.

Paddling with Barney in the canoe was NOT like being Cleopatra, nor did I want it to be once I got in.  There was no 'lily dipping' involved.  At times to make it where we needed to go I had to dig very deep, my right arm aching, ( stupid tendinitis) but not only was it invigorating,  I was calm in knowing he was steering behind me.  I will admit there were a few times I was steering from the front (rocky shoreline, and dead heads in shallow water) as it was needed because he couldn't see, but that was a handful of times and I never forgot that he was the one with the strength steering.

I know I haven't written in a month, but of course that really isn't unusual anymore for me.  Things became really quite awful for a while between he and I.  At one point I was examining myself, and my 'growth'.  I feel like I should shout out that I love my husband, but there was a bit there I was trying to decide how much of myself I was going to sacrifice to be with him.  I realize that sounds awful, and I will try to explain with very little details..LOL.

Over the past 4 years, most of which but not all of that time doing ttwd, I have discovered, unearthed, whatever adjective you would like to use, a great deal about myself.  Not only have I discovered things about myself I have become very comfortable in my own skin.  ( Still a lot of work to be done there, but who isn't a work in progress?).  I could go on about past struggles and discoveries, but there are approx. 180 posts that describe in detail how I got to where I am.  To say it was a difficult 4 years many times, would be the understatement of a lifetime.  The last 9 months have offered some incredible challenges which have bullied their way into our relationship.  YET, yet through it all, I continued to discover and understand myself, even more.  I discovered one day that I truly have the ability to be at peace and totally content.  Don't misunderstand, I am generally I pretty optimistic person, but 'zen like" ?  probably not a description I would have chosen.  I think if I had to choose the greatest thing about ttwd right now that would be it. It gave me the gift of me, warts and all.

A month ago we weren't in a good place.  Prior to that we were both in the same canoe, but it felt like ( my perception, is not always the reality I understand), not only was I steering from the front of the boat, he had dropped anchor.  At times I was able to move us forward, or perhaps he'd dip his paddle in and we'd inch toward where we needed to go, but for the most part not only were we stagnant, the water rushing over the side was threatening to sink us.  I eventually decided in order to save us as individuals we would have to jump over board.  Barney lifted the anchor and we drifted for a day or two.  He then began to paddle like I had never seen before, ( um literally and figuratively..LOL).

I want to point out here, that while this appears to have to do with ttwd, it was the magnifier not the issue at this point.  Have things been better since then?  Absolutely.  Has it been smooths sailing, OH HELL NO!  There have been countless missteps along the way, from both of us.

I will be perfectly honest, I didn't WANT to submit to him on numerous occasions. This is something very new to me. For the most part he took all of that in stride, telling me he knew he had to be stronger.  There were times he beat the living daylights out of me.  Times he walked away, and times he grabbed onto his planking wife, who would not let go and embrace his hug, chuckling and commenting on how feisty and stubborn I can be while he did.

 Did he react in every situation in a way beneficial to us both?  Nope.  But neither did I.  He did however keep going, and by that I mean eventually..LOL .  We both have a lot of history to overcome.

The dreaded C word has been around more and more.  I have been communicating in a somewhat effective way.  I went back to our 'roots' and started writing him emails every few days and explained how or why things did or didn't work for me that day.  I joked that it was his report card, explaining the information was INTEL not a Critique.  Telling him what worked and why has been extremely humbling for me.

For his part Barney initially seemed like a changed man.  When I informed him of this he said he felt different too and he couldn't explain why.  Do I still see that man?  Currently I don' t feel him like I did, but when I brought this up, he said he still feels it~  suppose my perception is off at the moment.
I will admit life has us tossing on the waves again.  Meh.

We are still hitting speed bumps, and neither one of us are surprised by that.  We still have a lot of history both ancient and 'new world' that needs to be overcome.  For the most part though, the feeling of the approach has been different.  I don't feel like a caged animal within myself.  I would be lying if I said I can turn to him as naturally as I have been able to in the past, but I am working on it and hopefully it will become second nature more often than not soon enough.

I just want to end with something that shocked me.  The first time back out of the gate with the physical aspect of ttwd, something happened to me.  I didn't 'melt' or 'swoon' right after.  I had my often typical reaction of thawing about 30 minutes to an hour later.  Barney had continued his, ahem, dominance for a long while after, which I think looking back really helped.  What did happen that day, and for a couple of days after,  the armour crumbled.  It crumbled like it hadn't in MONTHS.  To be honest it shocked me.  HOWEVER,  the hair trigger emotions of last autumn returned not long after the armour crumbled.  This time we were able to talk through it~ but MAN was that messy! Really, really messy, albeit for a shorter time span and Barney was somewhat able to understand it more, as was I.  I eventually confessed that I do have the ability to feel hurt easily, but that doesn't mean he actually is the one hurting me.  A great deal of it can often be attributed to how I see a situation, not really his actions-when I am raw and lacking armour.  I wanted to mention this because I was shocked that I became so unguarded so quickly.  I was shocked that for whatever reason that day, the stars aligned or whatnot,  9 months of being locked up just disappeared.

It didn't last long...LOL...but still! If it can happen so quickly after so much time had passed, it can certainly happen again, though I am not expecting it too necessarily.

There are definitely times where I am steering the front of the canoe, but things are different.  I am steering the canoe away from eminent dangers,ones that Barney may not be able to see from his vantage point.  I suppose really I am just pointing to the dangers and he is taking that information and charting a different course, more than I am actually steering.

Monday, August 1, 2016

Life Through the Rear View Mirror.

In the interest of putting my money where my mouth is, based on my last post at least, I will share what has been happening around Bedrock for the last while.  I initially wrote this post on our private blog ( as in really private~ just Barney and I have access, unless I email it to a few unlucky girlfriends..LOL).  Before you start to read what I wrote, I will let you know that Barney has already read this (that should save you from telling me to share it with him...snort).

I had no real intention of sharing this post publicly, but recently I ended up being engaged in a rather heated debate with another 'blogger' over something they said.  As some of you may know/remember, I was once a co-owner of a 'subs group'.  A place where many of us could go and gather support and advice from other women, without the watchful eyes of the public. We also promoted other blogs and sent out notices to each other to go and visit a 'struggling' woman's blog (whether she was a member or not) to offer our support.  Anyway, during the 2 years this subs group was around, there were too many times when women would read another person's post and ( most likely because of where they were NOT in their relationship) felt they were all wrong when it came to ttWEd. There were far too many times, where we as a collective group had to pick women up because of the cruel judgment of another submissive and their self righteous writings.   The post I read the other day had so many elements of 'you should be ashamed of yourself if you don't...."  Please don't misunderstand, there are plenty of things we all do, especially me, that I really shouldn't have/do-things that have chipped away at my relationship/dynamic.  This post did not point out things to look out for. It started off as her story and changed to judging others.  As my girlfriend said, this woman is a 'right' person.  A person who claims to be in a great place with her dynamic and therefore has all the answers ( I beg to differ, if a person in in a great place I don't believe they feel the NEED to tell everyone how to be...but I digress.  LOL).

ANYWHO, basically I decided to swallow my pride and get more personal than I have for a while, and let you all 'in'.  I decided in essence I suppose to be vulnerable to you. Why?  Because sometimes life really does SUCK, as my favourite person recently said.  There are various levels of suckiness, and various emotions that go with each situation, but life can SUCK.  When that happens, at least here, we sometimes struggle to 'see' the ones we are closest too.  That in turn seems to upset that proverbial apple cart.  This is one of those times ( and yes +Ashley Lee  this is LONG).

Life Through The Rear View Mirror

Over the years I have written countless posts, too many to be reasonable, about feeling 'off'.  Wrote posts about our dynamic, missing my life, etc..etc. A little over a year ago I was in excruciating pain. I don't like to think of myself as some uber pain embracer,  but according to various doctors over the years I have a 'poor perception of pain'~ whatever that means.  Anyway I was in this pain, which at times still plagues me, but I learned to deal with it.  I learned to cope with it and move on.  Truthfully it isn't anything as horrible as fibromyagia or countless other chronic pain.  Now it is more an annoyance than anything.  Actually just part of my life in many ways, that I don't often give it a thought.

My point about that is back when I was in the height of this, I wrote about missing my life.  I laugh now at how things have changed.

While the seeds of some of the drama unfolding around me were most definitely well planted back then, the tangled, choking vine had yet to really grow.  Back then I missed my life, today I wonder how the hell my life got to this point.

 There is a danger when viewing life through the rear view mirror. Due to its size details are left out.  What we decide to focus on might not include some of the smaller intricacies. As well, what I focus on and what someone else's eyes are drawn to can very well be different though we seem to be travelling in the same vehicle.

I know at the moment that is what is happening all around me.  I see it with our son, who 95% of the time refuses to focus on where he has come from, and what he has overcome.  Worst of all I see it with my husband.  He has the ability to see it with our son, but has lost us somewhere in the process- out of focus is what we have over come.

When we started ttwd, there was one area that I said I would NEVER give up control of.  One area where I would always remain an equal partner.  That area was and is our children.  Barney does take care of many of the main components with our kids~ doctor's appointments ( they are all teenage boys so really they don't want me there anyway), teacher's interviews ( really not a good place for me) etc.  However decisions surrounding them, major ones we are at the very least 50/50 if not 70/30 on my part.  Why?  Because for 15 years it was me on deck as he works long hours.  I am here more than he is and up until recently at least, I could relate differently to them,see them and their motives or what they weren't saying a little easier than he can.  All of this is 'great' until one of them decides to take a detour from the average life.  Being the one who is here more often than not some how has me becoming the verbal punching bag.  Being the one who normally placates situations becomes the voice that not only falls on deaf ears but becomes the source of all the issues~ apparently.

That is all well and good.  I am a mother, I didn't just sign up for  cookies and crayons.  They tell you the teen years are difficult, but until you have 'one of them' you can't possibly grasp what that truly can mean. I am at the point when my son is 'in a mood' that I no longer recognize him.  I am now also at a point when I have been pushed to my limit that I no longer recognize myself.

When I lay in bed at night I look in the rear view mirror and instead of seeing road kill I see the sun setting behind a beautiful landscape, memories of a wonderful 'day' that no longer exists.  The heat of the sun, the light of it, fading quickly behind what once was green hills, now fading to black mounds.  It leaves me cold and sad.

Life has a way of being cruel.  I am not suggesting my life is horrible.  I have so many, many things to be grateful for.  I realize so many people, people I know and love who experience true hell every morning.  I can still hope for another beautiful day in a few hours.  It is just that I wish sometimes my husband would put a blanket around my shoulders and remind me that tomorrow is another day.  Or maybe I wish that I could see him doing that.

Perhaps that is the problem at the moment, sporadically  he tries to bring warmth but I am so locked away I refuse to embrace it. I am too afraid to shuffle my weight in his direction because I am unsure how long he can hold me up.  He is suffering too, and on top of our home life he has work to contend with as well.  I try to make life run smoothly around here so he doesn't have to worry at work.  He tries to make things run smoothly around here when he is not at work, but there is no *us* because of all our trying.

I am not suggesting that ttwd is the answer during this time, (it has been around too, although limping) I certainly don't want to add to the stress of the household.  I feel so incredibly selfish for saying, I'd just like to be seen though.  I'd like to be seen more than the one who 'messes' with our son's head.  I'd like to be seen and heard.  I'd like to be asked how I am actually 'doing'.

I truly believe, though some days it is more difficult than others, I can handle just about anything thrown my way, on my own if need be.  What I can't handle is this being lost once the dust settles for a moment.  Daily I float away, and bringing myself back is getting more and more difficult as time passes. We are tethered together Barney and I,but currently it feels like our tether is fraying to the point where it is thread bare.  I have mentioned this, and he acknowledges it, that is where our conversations seem to end, or turn out for the worse not better.  I suppose one issue in the house is all we can focus on.  I was of the mindset that a strong couple would at least have something tangable to be grateful for at the end of the day.  However trying to maintain or rather achieve that doesn't seem possible.  I suppose there isn't enough energy left~ my greatest fear is there will soon be nothing left if we don't find the energy.  I fear our time is running out.

Today I will try to look straight ahead and focus on the horizon, watch the sun come up and hope for a great day, hell a stable one would be nice.  I still have to look in the rear view mirror however, as that is where I last saw me.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Embrace the Struggle!

A great deal of this post was inspired by two things: my conversations recently ( pfft ALWAYS) with other submissive wives, and seeing Menopause the Musical.

Why Menopause the Musical ( by the way if you have the opportunity, go and see it!  I laughed, actually laughed for 90 minutes)?  because at the end of it they tell you ( no spoilers don't worry) to share your stories with each other.  Be there for each other. Every woman goes through some of this, so why not talk about it!  The same can be said for struggling in  ttwd.

 While our struggles are as diverse as the couples who live ttwd, some tend to run through many.Consistency on BOTH sides of the coin comes to mind.  It can be a pretty typical conversation on any given day among the women of ttwd. I have come to believe a number of struggles seem to mask themselves as consistency.  Have you ever wondered, 'why now?  Why is consistency and issue after all this time?'  or " why has his/her approach changed after all this time"?  To me the struggle may APPEAR to be consistency, and obviously to a degree it is, but really it might only be the symptom not the cause.

Let me give you an example from our lives.  Last autumn I had an experience.  I am not entirely sure how to explain it really.  In the interest of keeping this brief, and not to bore those who have already read about it, I reached a new 'level' within myself.  I felt wonderful and free.  I did however seem to need my husband more than ever.  I know sounds like such a contradiction.  Anywho.  I felt amazing, a little off balance in someways at times when I felt things were moving us away from my wonderful feeling-my husband?  Well he felt pretty good too, and then he didn't.  He didn't because my reactions seemed to hurt seem to echo those reactions and emotions that I had experienced at the start of ttwd years earlier.    Of course being the 'long time' Dders that we were, why would we communicate?  LOL.

As time went on, my husband seemed to drift away from me.  It actually became a very big issue for us.  We did eventually talk about it, but our conversations only seemed to scratch the surface.  One of the things he did say (eventually) was that it was my reactions  he feared.  Naturally I was insulted.  He thought I was irrational? Eventually he said it was his fear of hurting me with his words that had him withdrawing.  Over and over again we discussed this.  Over and over again we believed we made progress.  Over and over again we fell flat on our faces.

I kept thinking, why doesn't he just go back to doing what he used to do?  There were a few times when he really stepped things up in the D/s department.  Those times we seemed to be heading right back to the place I longed for.  The Dd aspect (ie punitive measures) still seemed to be in tact.  In fact if I said it once, I said it a hundred times, the Wilma from 4 years ago would have been over the moon with the consistency of punishments ( well you know what I mean!) we have now.  That Wilma however is long gone.  Don't get me wrong, punishments have their place in our relationship, but it is the other aspects of D/s, the between that keep me where I need to be.

You see at the surface this is a matter of consistency.  Why does he not consistently demand 'his things' anymore?  Why won't he just tell me to xyz like he used to?  Why is he..........COASTING? Ahhhhhhhh but there is the real question...WHY???  He isn't being consistent for a reason.  WHAT is that reason?  I'm not a slow  person, I knew that.  I asked him many, many times, " what has happened?  Why have you changed?  Why does it seem like you forget our conversations? Why can you seemingly have no issue in punishing me, SEVERELY , yet telling me to submit in other ways no longer enters your mind?" ( yes , yes a lot of YOU statements). Aside from the " I am afraid of your reactions" I got nothing from him.  And before you start blasting me, I worked very, very hard at changing.  Too hard actually I began to suppress again.

While Dd still continued in our house the more D/s aspects came and went.  And even when there were 'here' they were not like they used to be.  Sure there were pockets of them, times that gave me great hope we would return....but then poof!

The whys are not really my story to tell, and in part Barney is still working a great deal of them out in his mind.  Suffice to say a small aspect ( or maybe a large ) had to do with his acceptance of him enjoying his role as Dominant.  Before it was for MY benefit...and then the benefit of our some of it is strictly for his.  He said " Ttwd has put a mirror in front of me and I don't always like what I see".  At first he used to say  it was because he realized he was selfish ( he's not).  As time has gone on, we have talked more about this and it has a great deal to do with his acceptance of himself and his like of certain aspects of D/s.  Trust me when I tell you this is still very much a work in progress.

All this to say, while consistency appeared to be the cause, it really was not the root of the issue.  It was a symptom of his personal struggle, and still continues to be. Some things aren't as easy to figure out or over come anymore like ( I remember )they used to be the first year or two of ttwd.

A great deal of this I wrote about , but then stopped for fear of sounding like a broken record.  In all honesty I felt like people would be thinking, "oh for goodness sake what is she whining about this time?" or " why can't she just be happy with what she has?"  or, " maybe she should except that this isn't him?" .  The truth is none of those things going through my mind at the time should have been.  I think many of us fall into that trap, doing the thinking for others that is. I knew in my heart then as I do now that I wasn't whining. I was genuinely perplexed, this IS him. I have seen it.  I have seen him flourish in it, and I don't have to accept what isn't completed.  We have gotten to the point in our relationship where I know it is possible.  I have felt it.  He has witnessed it. We just needed to get to a place where we both can embrace it again-guilt free.

So then why did I stop writing?  I don't know.  All I do know, when I talked to friends about different aspects of our struggles in conjunction with theirs, more often than not I hear, " why doesn't anyone write about this?"  or " I thought we were the only ones who dealt with this"  or " that makes sense, I never thought of that".  When I boldly suggest they write, I often hear, " So I can hear, 'it will all work out', or versions of 'just be happy with what you have', 'communicate' or worse NOTHING at all.

I can't think of a greater comment on a post than, " I understand",  " you are not alone"   " you are normal", or a simple " thank you for sharing"  and then give a bit of your life to the blogger.  Show them you understand, that they aren't alone, that they are normal.  Bring it out into the open again.  That is how blogging used to be, and is still in some areas.  Embrace your struggles!  Share your struggles.  Be brave.  You are not alone, and you'll discover that.

As for the  second part of my initial statement, the women of ttwd,  I know many of them, and I have been there myself, cannot read in blogland or on forums when their relationship/dynamic seems to be on hold or struggling.  Many feel out of place.  Many long for what others have.  But I say Embrace The Struggle Ladies...and write.  Write for yourself and write for others.  Because I can guarantee you for every happy 'story' you read there are many behind that are struggling or have had a similar struggle.( And I am by no means not saying to share the happy, but if you share the struggles your happy becomes a community triumph... we are great cheerleaders!).

 There is NO shame in struggling.  It means you are not staying stagnant, even if it feels like you are going backward. It means you need more from your partner, your relationship or yourself.  That is not a bad thing.  It isn't failure on anyone's part.  It is growth!

The Poster Child of Dysfunctional D/s ..LOL

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Vulnerable Isn't the End Goal

I realize I am about to potentially open up a can of worms here, but here goes nothing.  I was trying to find a way to express to my husband what it is like to feel, what up until today, I would call vulnerable. You know the way you feel when everything is 'right' in your D/s relationship and you feel you can just 'be'.  I thought I would look up the word for inspiration~ not because I don't know how it feels, but because I was looking for a less floral  willie way to say it.

Those who know me, know there are a few terms I don't relate to around 'here'.  Journey for example is one of them.  As I have said countless times journey conjures up a vision of a cat and two dogs travelling across the country trying to find their owners who 'forgot' them when they moved.

 For me ttwd is much more like an adventure. Some great friends, some scary times, and creatures that appear scary initially, but aren't in the long run.

  So I use adventure not journey.  ( Also not a fan of referring to my husband as my HoH or Dom, again that is just me)

It would appear now that vulnerable may make the list of words being booted out of my wheel house. As I said I looked up the word and the definition not the wide interpretation of the word, it wasn't something I could actually BRING to my husband.

Simple Definition of vulnerable

 easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally
 open to attack, harm, or damage

I am unsure how other men would interpret this, but I can tell you that at the beginning of ttwd my husband would NOT want to take me on an adventure if the description above was the destination for his wife.  I KNOW, I can hear you yelling at me now, " Yeah, but...."  Look, I am just sharing the actual definition.  Try and 'think like a man' ladies.  LOL.  How many times have you read or heard women ttwd relationships say " My husband is concerned I will become....(insert a version of this definition).

I know among ourselves here, as women and perhaps even husbands who have been able to concretely see/feel what we mean, understand a different ttwd-version of vulnerability.  ( I do agree, as I will talk about later that we have to be vulnerable to GET where we are going however).

DON"T yell at me.  I am not saying we are WRONG, I am actually trying to say, maybe a collective 'we' have been sending some conflicting messages by using the word vulnerable with the opposite sex.   When I approached Barney with my findings he admitted that when I first talked about vulnerability he couldn't understand why that would be a good thing.  He thought of it in a military way, like fortress that was susceptible to harm.  Over time through reading blogs and on forums, he understood what the collective 'we' meant, but it isn't his definition of vulnerability, again as the end result.

While clicking around on the internet, I came across invulnerability. Here is a definition given for this word
Incapable of being wounded, or of receiving injury; not vulnerable.
Unanswerable; irrefutable; unable to be damaged by an attack or convinced

  I will tell you when I am what I have previously stated in my most 'vulnerable state', I actually feel VERY content in my own skin, I am almost euphoric, and I feel very, very STRONG because of it.

I wrote recently about hair trigger emotions, and being vulnerable and the potential for hurt.  After reading and discussing today, I am beginning to think I was wrong about that.  The potential for hurt isn't IN what I used to refer to as my most vulnerable state, it happens as I am leaving it.  The fear of losing it has me reacting the way I do.  While I am what I refer to as "in the zone", " true to my core" , "in the bulls eye" or " squishey, squashy, cuddly with my husband"  I am Teflon Girl.  The little troubles of the world slide off me, rather than stick and burn.  Sure life and all her bipolar bitchiness throws stuff our way that has me moving from my core, but I am open and unguarded with my husband and others.  I am not defensive.  I don't look for 'monsters under the bed' that aren't there.  Bumps in the night are just that.  Even moving slightly away from my core, those things all have similar perspective.  What I am not though is a dictionary definition of vulnerable.  Because that definition has not one word of strength or contentment in it.

I now believe that we do have to spend a great deal of our time in a vulnerable state.  For myself I will say that when I am slightly away from my centre, core etc.. I have to be willing to be vulnerable again.  I have to 'put myself out there' with my husband.  I have discovered recently that even though we have reached this amazing level (for lack of a better term here) in D/s emotionally, there are still many many times where we encounter issues.  There are still times of miscommunication. These times occur when we stop communicating (or at least I do) about issues that I would have considered 'novice' Dder or D/s issues.  And while the steps are still similar,the emotions are deeper, and the situations surrounding are different. The new depths can echo old insecurities, just with a different spin. I think *maybe* because there aren't as many epiphanies as we go along or they aren't always as great, we tend to lose focus on the sharing aspect....again I am speaking for Barney and myself.

When we are where we want to be, there is no need to be vulnerable.  There is as I said this amazing euphoric state of being.  I am not worried about rejection, or his reaction, about getting hurt.  I feel an acceptance in my own skin. I am no longer vulnerable.  Maintaining that level of being is extremely difficult however, with life always seeming to have me inching away from my core.  Hence forcing me to be vulnerable again and not wall up.

I suppose the real question is, can you be vulnerable if there are no threats?  Take an orchid plant for example.  It is extremely vulnerable in many parts of the world.  However in a controlled environment, ie a greenhouse, is it really vulnerable?  If its needs are met adequately; water, sunlight, temperature, is it really at risk?  I don't think so.  It is at risk when someone opens the door and the outside world can make its way in, but if the caretaker is aware, adjusts the temperature, closes the door fast enough, squishes any pests that enter, the plant becomes no longer vulnerable again.

Maybe I 'lied' a bit.  There are times when I do fit this text book version of vulnerability since starting ttwd even in my euphoric, I am on the bulleye state.  There are times I am a bit afraid, more than I used to be.  Or rather more aware of it than I used to be.  I seek out my husband ( say in a crowded place) for comfort, and that little bit of vulnerability does make my heart flutter as much as it does my stomach turn.  Why?  because he can make it alright.  No one else can.  Sure I could be with any number of people who love me, but only he understands (as best he can) that I am anxious. He is my anchor in times like these.  That being said, those times don't define me.  Those times are outwardly, concrete and tangible signs of vulnerability that he can change.  Is it rewarding to him?  I'd imagine so, (swoon -my night in shining armour) but how rewarding would it be for him on a deeper level, if he felt he 'created' a dictionary version of a vulnerable wife?  Ttwd has forced me to face many of my fears.  Some of which I have been able to almost overcome, or at least quiet them a little. Other fears have been given a voice and therefore are out in the open more.  There is a potential for hurt there, but generally it doesn't surface.  So I am unsure if I could say I am text book vulnerable at that time.

I will say I allow myself to feel more.  I will say that has the potential for great hurt....potential.  It isn't a forgone conclusion though, for if I am standing on the bulls eye I have an ability to see 360 degrees, and that is a fantastic viewpoint to see all stories behind something/someone actions, words, motivation.  One sliver off of the bulls eye however and things do tend to alter the view a tad. And the longer I am off the centre, the more I drift away and the more the perception begins to alter.

One could argue that if your walls are down your unguarded self is open to attack.  I can't argue that.  Everyone is different. When we are where we desire to be, which as I said is not often, vulnerable is not what I feel.  I feel so utterly content.  I feel powerful (inner power) with the armour shed, because it is not needed.  I feel weightless. I feel strong.

 I do have to reenter my vulnerable state over and over again to regain what we desire. I therefore believe, at least in my case, that vulnerability is a necessary 'evil'-  A means to an end but NOT the end goal.
 Something  I have never done is ask what people think ( I just always assume people will share if they want to..meh guess not) but have been told by a couple of ladies, one bossy *cough* Susie *cough* one to ask " So what do you think? "  ( sheesh that still sounds lame to me...just sayin' )

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Balance of Power

I already know where the balance is supposed to lie, by choice, in our home.  To be truthful, it does lay there more often than not, despite what I have written.

When I titled this The Balance of Power, I was referring to within my mind, not the concrete stuff.  Is there a difference?  Maybe.  Does it mean that the balance of power isn't ACTUALLY where it should be if in my mind I have it?  Perhaps.  Ah so many questions....

As I have mentioned, sadly far too often, life LOVES to throw crap at us.  I know we can all say that, but I mean HONESTLY, enough already!!!   Despite my recent claims and discoveries about submission and vulnerability, I still do manage to get myself 'locked up' in my head at times.

  I obviously share a great deal of my worries with Barney.  Many of them are his as well.  Okay most of them are.  The difference being how we think about each situation.  Not as in how we think we are going to fix it, as in how we actually THINK.  Man vs Woman?  Venus vs Mars?  Wilma vs Barney?   Just different.  He and I are both very analytical, albeit I look at things vastly different than he does.  While things will affect him emotionally, I will not only be emotionally visual, I will lay out road maps for every emotional possibility, with every probably outcome.  This is an issue of sorts because I do this with EVERYTHING, not just 'our child is in crisis' but 'what if our van breaks down'.  Obviously to Barney the latter doesn't require an emotional consideration.

What does this have to do with the balance of power?  The longer I stay in my head, the further I drift away ( I know nothing new here for most of you).  I was discussing this with a friend last night, I think of my submissive core as a bulls eye.
 Ideally we want me to be as close as possible to the centre.  Life, thoughts, etc.. have a tendency to allow me to drift from that place.  Still on the board, but not the best place. Of course the desire to be in the bulls eye also adds its own pressure and issues too!  lol

Anyway........while things around here may be ticking along externally as they 'should', internally perhaps they are not.  Non ttwd related things can eat away internally causing a shift.  A shift not only from the 'bulls eye' but in the balance of power.  It isn't that Barney isn't holding up his Dommly side of the bargain, it is perhaps that I am not holding up my side, mentally.  It isn't intentional.   There is no out and out bratting or reckless abandonment of expectations.  It is just bit by bit, thought by thought the power shift changes.  A distracted expectation 'performed' here.  A forgotten desire there.   Bit by bit.

Before I know it, and especially before Barney does many times, the balance has shifted.  

*I* have created the shift. ( Of course my loving husband will take part blame saying he should have paid closer attention and I wouldn't have drifted too far from my core).   Once the shift has occurred times become more difficult here.  A distracted expectation becomes a forgotten one.  A forgotten desire becomes an after thought.   Confusion sets in for both of us at this point.  What has changed for her, on Barney's part...and well on my part far too many things to list. 

 Perhaps the most significant one we have had to deal with though has been my perception of things. It has occurred to me that once I actually feel the balance has shifted, I start to look for ways in which to restore it IN him.  Not build him up to be back, but find things he says or does and give them more meaning and weight than perhaps he means.  What he thinks is a lighthearted comment, is taken seriously, whether as an insult or a threat depends on the day and my mindset.  Primarily in these situations however I am searching for a different dominance to bring ME back.

Last week Barney was explaining where his mind was during one of the times I felt hurt while searching for said dominance.  During that conversation he expressed how difficult it was to understand my emotions.  I informed him understanding my emotions wasn't necessary, nor was it even possible.  I could list all the reasons WHY it isn't possible, and trust me I did for him, but who has the time today ? ;).   I did say that understanding the 'issue' that caused the emotions should be the focus.  Validating my emotions or rather my right to feel that way would go a long way, but I wasn't aiming for the stars! lol.  What doesn't help is judging my emotions.  By doing so it dismisses my feelings and in turn, ME.  Furthermore it pushes me away from my core due to me becoming defensive ( feeling my emotions  are inconvenient at times at best for me still) concerning them AND has me shutting down verbally.

It is a difficult thing for a man or at least MY man to grasp that emotions cannot be fixed, or categorized by rationality and there isn't a universal acceptance to "B" happens therefore the correct emotion should be "G".    I did suggest that he could feel free and justified in judging my reactions and how I dealt with my emotions, just not the emotions themselves.  My reactions can and often are irrational, but don't you DARE claim my emotions are...LOL.  I went on further to say, but by all means nothing says you can't communicate a thought such as, " I can't comprehend why you are emotionally reacting this way, as I am not wired to have that sort of emotional response".  Pfft like THAT is ever going to happen! *wink*

To be fair, looking back I can see that the balance had started to shift before this conversation.  Occasionally through much work and reflection, I can bring myself back closer to the bulls eye, but I can't shift the balance of power on my own, even if I am the one who ultimately created it.  Often life's curve balls will shift the balance back in the blink of an eye.  Ideally though that isn't the best case scenario as we have external issues to deal with long after the balance is restored and the shift can happen again, and swiftly. 

Barney eventually recognized that I *felt* the balance of power had shifted.  Recently it manifested itself as me feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders, among other things.  I considered some decisions I had made to be acting alone, and feared the repercussions of those decisions, (not with him).He did not see it that way at all.  He reminded me that he was in the room and agreed prior with one. As for the other  while I made the call, I had already discussed  with him when we thought the time would be right and what that meant should the call need to be made.  SEE?  perception.  Mine was clearly off.  By discussing this, and let me tell you multiple spankings,(many interrupted or cut short) in between,( did I say MULTIPLE ??) all came to a head.  

Did we fully understand what was happening during the time?  NOT a DAMN CLUE.  Lol.  While both of us probably knew what needed to ultimately happen, the whys were unclear.  I mean aside from the fact that I apparently 'inspire' him to 'beat' me.. Pfft.  ( NOW who's perception is off?).  Did communication clear this up?  Eventually, but as I said we didn't have a clue what we really needed to talk about. It was like two emotionally-charged, blindfolded people, roaming naked in a cactus field, ( you're welcome for that visual). 

It all worked out.  The Balance of Power is currently restored. I'd be lying if I didn't confess I feel like it is rather precariously perched at the moment however.