His Growth; My Pain; My Regrowth?

Here we grow again

Little known secret, I am a head case. Okay so maybe that isn't a secret. While I am in the crazy lady way, I am actually referring to living in my head this time. No doubt many of us feel this way about themselves. Most likely this characteristic might be one of the few things that was a catalyst to bringing ttwd into your lives. Albeit, perhaps at the time you didn't know that.

Anyway this week was all over the map here. For those who read my previous post you might have predicted that- as would have I had I just read the post and was not an active participant in it. LOL.

I want to try to explain while still keeping Barney's privacy about his new growth exploration. I apologize in advance if this continues to be confusing. I also apologize in advance about the 'cloak and danger' secrecy stuff. What can I say, it isn't my story to tell. I can however tell my portion of it.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a sabbatical of sorts. I felt the need to get away. Not necessarily from Barney and ttwd- but sort of that as well. I had access to a house while the owners were wintering elsewhere so some of my quieter brood and I went there for a week. Barney joined us for the beginning and end of our adventure. I had hoped to complete some online self help writing courses while away- that never did happen.

I did however get in touch with a part of me I hadn't seen in a while. I had time with old friends and had different discussions than I would have had I stayed here for the week. That alone was refreshing. Sort of a quiet vacation. I was fortunate enough to spend a few days alone. Something I realized I had never actually done by myself. I have been without Barney or other adults but never completely alone.

While away, Barney and I were in touch via text. He was primarily at work during my waking hours so this was our best way to communicate. I still managed to feel hurt over something. Sigh, when will I ever or we ever get this communication thing right, is often the question we ask ourselves.

Barney came to pick me up. I knew I was in trouble for some of my texts, and ya know perhaps hanging up the phone on him. ( Step aside ladies, the Award for Sub of the Year goes to....). Apparently on the drive to retrieve his wife, Barney had devised a plan, I had been informed later. He abandon that plan or the timing of it at least and we talked, and talked and talked. Because we had the entire house to ourselves for a good day or so, there was no real pressure of time constraint- a real novelty for us living with 3 other people.

The talk led to me out and out asking Barney about a couple of things he had said to me over the past two months (re his growth discovery that he hadn't actually talked about). Together we explored what he felt. Actually I asked one or two questions at most, and he talked.

Something happened that day- there was a shift, or a cover lifted off of us. We both felt it. I believe he felt freer having clarity of his feelings and then giving a voice to it, as if the shackles had been removed. I felt like I finally got off of some twirling top that I hadn't realized I was on. Moreover that unsure feeling of moving ground underneath me had stopped as well.

For several days Barney experimented with what he discovered. He was like a different man in that particular area. I was more than eager to participate. As unpleasant as somethings were, I had the knowledge that I was helping my husband with my participation, much like he did at the start of ttwd. In some ways the unpleasantness of it all was masked behind the joy of being able to 'serve' him in this way. It was as if I found a new way to submit with purpose. For him and him alone- which of course in turn did something for my submissiveness.

He found time even on busy, long work days to explore. I suppose I could have been upset that in the past he appeared to not find time for other things but now he could for this, but truthfully I was not. I was sincerely happy for him and this breath of new life that came with this.

At the start of last week, my head began examining. Which lead to my last post. There was a swirling occurring in me. At the time I didn't understand what or why this was happening. Truthfully I am still not sure I do. My eagerness was still there, but looking back now I seemed to be missing something. I believe now that something was balance.

It wasn't that this was all Barney-centric and what about me. What Barney has been exploring is very much in the Dominance (for me- as in him) realm. As I mentioned above this did a great number on my submissive heartset, in a good way. BUT it also had me longing for more. Um, not more of HIS deal, but more of dominance outside of his growth. You know the 'old stuff'.

Let's just say that my submission was snowballing, and it ran out of snow! lol. As usual life and work became an issue with us. NOT as usual, I was doing really well, once I had realized what was going on inside of me.

Wednesday I had the most amazing day. I was all alone for a good part of it. I was lead, by the powers that be to information about personal growth, and how fear prevents us from it. One can develop a destructive pattern during good times by taking a little nugget of fear and fixating on it. Thus giving that fear more of a voice than it deserves and manifesting it into a reality. While I knew this, the timing of hearing it again was perfect. In my heart I was aware 'issues' from my last post were based on my fear. Not fear of Barney, but fear of vulnerability.

I have been to what I believe, though I know I am so wrong here, to the depths of my transparency with Barney;to an area many consider ultimate vulnerability ( which is so subjective and changes within a person as time goes on). In this place I actually feel invulnerable;though there is potential for great hurt if one or the other moves just a fraction off course. THAT (the place of great hurt) is an area I don't long to be in. And THAT is what causes great fear.

The following excerpts were my take away from my discoveries on Wednesday


Detour into fear- and then the fear becomes the reality

Resistance is what stops us from receiving. Resistance comes from fear based thoughts that keep us negative and in low vibe energy- it is in the absence of resistance that we start to feel supported


Just show up. Trusting that there is a process that begins with just showing up ( Reminds me of the fake it until you make comments long ago at the start of ttwd- mostly given to Barney. LOL)


 New mantra JUST SHOW UP AND TRUST THE PROCESS

Something happened to me that day. The final chink in the armour gave way. I had returned! I honestly felt I was floating around. Truly my authentic self could breathe again. Everything I was doing prior was the same, but the feeling of doing it was different. There were no going through the motion actions. Every part of me was in sync with my submissive core. I was no longer existing, I was thriving.

It felt so good to be home in my own skin.

( link my clear up my statement)

This final release had nothing to do with Barney- though we all know he set the stage ( not discounting his spontaneous spanking in the kitchen on Tuesday because of a hissy fit I threw - as a balancer lol). This had to do with me. I had let go of the fear. I wasn't thinking ahead, or looking to the past. I wasn't actually thinking at all. I was just 'being' and it was fantastic!

Over the last several months I had questioned if I would ever get there again. I had questioned if I had really ever been here. Was my memory of my authentic self a fantasy? Did I just project myself into a place I had no business being? All of the dissipated on Weds.

Barney and I had a really good day on Thursday. I hadn't told him any of this, but went about my day with my new found inner peace. I am not entirely sure why I didn't share. It didn't occur to me to. Life was back for me and very good....until it wasn't. I didn't embrace any fear, as there wasn't any in the forefront of my mind concerning my submission or our dynamic, or even Barney's new found side of himself. I did express a fear of something else on Friday. It was this time that Barney decided he needed to reset me. The odd thing was, looking back as hindsight is 20/20, it wasn't ME who needed to be reset. This caused an issue with us, after the fact.

I wasn't resentful because of the reset. There was a confusion surrounding it.  I believe because  Barney required it, but issued it for me. Semantics to some I'm sure. However it is all about mindset, mine and his. During the reset things became quite confusing. Perhaps disjointed is a better way to put it.

He stopped and we talked about it, as best I could being left in a state of protected anger due to intense pain et al. This triggered something in Barney too, as he's been in a vulnerable state himself due to his new discovery. While it has been liberating for him, it has also brought him to places that until he solidifies things in his mind, make him feel a bit vulnerable when it comes to me. Needless to say we were not our best versions of ourselves. Far, far from it. In essence it was a sh*t show. LOL. A perfect storm. 

Was I fearful? No. I was eventually devastated. I had felt my authentic self retreat. I didn't want that. I wanted her back for good, (though my mind knows it is actually very difficult to stay on the bulls eye of your core for any great length of time). I was resentful that she was 'taken' away. I felt I had been blindsided by negativity- both his and mine. I felt robbed and the armour started to clink back together again. 

In my experience when this happens after a state of being so weightless and free, the armour is almost too much. It is far tighter and much more suffocating than it was the last time around. The good news is, it generally isn't as thick even though it is so incredibly heavy.

Perhaps a better analogy (though seriously less dramatic LOL) would be putting on a bathing suit after skinny dipping and swimming again. It can still be done, but it doesn't give the same satisfaction.

So this is where we currently are situated. I am still not going to give into the fear ( um you know outside of the day and a half where I reverted back to it). I know I have to keep at it if I want that feeling back of my uber submissive core back. I don't believe it is going to happen any time soon, but I do now know it CAN happen again and that alone has made this all worth it.


I have a lot more to write ( I know how is that possible) but this is beyond too long as it is.  Who knows, maybe this growth thing will have me blogging regularly for a tad again?

The Insecurity of Growth

No one is probably more surprised that I am writing a post here more than I am.  I'm actually not entirely sure why I am as the majority of people who once read here are long gone.  I suppose it is just to get it out there regardless and clear my mind- clear my mind in a small space not an overly public one! LOL

I used to think? feel? growth was extremely painful at times- and it is, but nothing compared to participating in another person's growth.  Yes the tables have turned and it is a tad daunting.  Let's see if I can explain.

To say we've had a rocky past year is an understatement.  To say the past 5 months were turbulent is beyond laughable.  There are tons of contributing factors to why I say that but I'm just going to stay with Barney and myself for now. Have you ever had a very good something happen that led to a cluster f*ck?  (might have to change that wording later LOL).  Well this happened between Barney and myself.  The aftermath left me more confused than ever. I didn't understand how something that was 'so good' (though not without issue) could morph into the worst period of our married life. ( Please no I'm sorry's -it's over now and we've moved on).

For months we stayed in this endless loop of destruction for lack of a better word, but NOT overly dramatic I can assure you. I had my suspicions or assumptions, but I didn't really give much weight to them as it isn't my place really to fill in the blanks.  It isn't fair.  Not to mention that emotionally I was a train wreck.  I was also a cobra, waiting to strike if I felt the least bit threatened.  So, so far removed from what ttwd is supposed to be about and no where NEAR my core.  In fact I began to believe that my core appeared more like this:

Anyway, I mention the above because no matter how hard I/we try it still lurks in the shadows-fear.  I don't want to ever go back to feeling the way I did in December and in many ways that has me standing still ( but hey at least I am not 'running').  Right- back to the point of my post.

After what seems like a painfully (perhaps pun intended) long time Barney has given voice to something he has discovered about himself.  I tease him about the long time, but not.  I understand how it must have been difficult to actually admit to himself what he discovered.  I wasn't shocked, in fact I was waiting to hear it.  In all honesty I can't say I was certain I ever was going to hear it, but I wasn't shocked when it finally came out.  I felt relief for him.  Maybe it would be more truthful if I said I felt relief for us.  For a long time now I have suspected what he told me to be true, but I wasn't sure if it was me making something fit, or if this transition was actually happening. I also felt that perhaps this was holding him/us back.

I have often expressed to friends that I had the 'benefit' of discovering initially that I was submissive, though I wasn't sure exactly what that entailed, on my own.  I suppose it would be more accurate to say I knew something drew me to ttwd, and discovering who I was within that context was a personal self discovery.  While Barney was along for the ride, and there to support me when needed a great deal of it I was able to do without being too scrutinized.  Sadly this doesn't generally happen to the person who ttwd is brought to.  Barney's actions, no matter how hard I tried not to, have been under a microscope since the beginning in many ways.  Not saying it was always a negative observation. Sometimes  it was innocuous.  Other times I observed to ask questions to help him discover or uncover the root of the 'issue' we both felt.  Regardless though, he didn't have the benefit of private unearthing I did, and part of me feels guilty about that.

All this to say currently I am struggling in a way I am unfamiliar with, yet sort of familiar with. LOL.  Clear as mud right? I have been supportive ( I think) with Barney while he embraces his discovery. ( I feel like I should at least say here he's not Gay nor is he a switch -not that there is anything wrong with either LOL).  I have been trying, at least physically to be all I can for him;encouraging him, reassuring him in the moment etc.. Again I say, I think, or hope at least.  My concern comes when we are not 'in the moment'.  These moments eventually bring about a vulnerability- though it is doubtful that that comes across often.  Barney recently mentioned he has noticed a difference, but the issue remains with the fear factor, or the standing still aspect.  Internally I feel.........something, but it doesn't seem to project outwardly.  <---- This part is not unfamiliar to me.  How I get there is, and the fear of the depths of the vulnerability is.  It seems like I am unable to peek out from behind the curtain so to speak.  At least the wall has transformed to a curtain, but my issue/concern is, how do I support him fully if I can't seem to come out completely?

I am gauging my reactions after the fact.  I am second guessing what I should be saying or doing.  Am I being helpful? Should that matter?  There of course should be no issue with this line of thinking, with one exception, it doesn't address what is happening inside with me.  Yeah, yeah ALL about me! Now this one thing about Barney shouldn't matter about what is happening to me, but then there is the relationship part after to contend with.  If I continue to focus on this solely for him, what I need to do, how exactly will it help us in the long run if I don't understand what it is doing to me?  Do I put a time limit mentally on it?  Wait until *I* believe he's more secure in what he has discovered and it is okay- then focus on how it affects me?  I don't want to give him insecurities or added pressure while he is unearthing a desire he has. I don't want to derail his progress because it appears to have the potential to impact me (not in a bad way) should I get comfortable enough to allow it. Am I controlling this by not being open about it?  I can try and work on how it is affecting me on my own, but that still leaves space between us.  I don't know how to work on myself or my feelings without being withdrawn to a certain extent.  Doing that would DEFINITELY send the wrong message to Barney.

I know we are a partnership when it comes to our relationship. The issue has been it really  didn't seem that way for a great majority of the past 5 months or so.  Bringing up feelings, insecurities, unprocessed thoughts has become more of an issue for us then it had been in the past. I feel like it would be a game of Russian Roulette to have this discussion if I initiated it.  While he has given himself permission to explore this 'new' part of him, I am not so sure throwing my emotional 'crap' on him would be a good idea.  Maybe I should give him more credit, but I am sincerely fearful for both of our sake.  Not to mention other life 'drama' still oozes in and can derail us as well.  

I don't want to be the sole reason for things going sideways.  I just don't know what is going to do it- me sharing now, or not sharing and hoping it doesn't come out as overly emotional vomit all over him at an inopportune moment!

Not currently how I feel but I can project a similar atmosphere if  over time *I* feel it isn't safe to share.