Sunday, March 11, 2018

His Growth; My Pain; My Regrowth?

Here we grow again

Little known secret, I am a head case. Okay so maybe that isn't a secret. While I am in the crazy lady way, I am actually referring to living in my head this time. No doubt many of us feel this way about themselves. Most likely this characteristic might be one of the few things that was a catalyst to bringing ttwd into your lives. Albeit, perhaps at the time you didn't know that.

Anyway this week was all over the map here. For those who read my previous post you might have predicted that- as would have I had I just read the post and was not an active participant in it. LOL.

I want to try to explain while still keeping Barney's privacy about his new growth exploration. I apologize in advance if this continues to be confusing. I also apologize in advance about the 'cloak and danger' secrecy stuff. What can I say, it isn't my story to tell. I can however tell my portion of it.

A couple of weeks ago I went on a sabbatical of sorts. I felt the need to get away. Not necessarily from Barney and ttwd- but sort of that as well. I had access to a house while the owners were wintering elsewhere so some of my quieter brood and I went there for a week. Barney joined us for the beginning and end of our adventure. I had hoped to complete some online self help writing courses while away- that never did happen.

I did however get in touch with a part of me I hadn't seen in a while. I had time with old friends and had different discussions than I would have had I stayed here for the week. That alone was refreshing. Sort of a quiet vacation. I was fortunate enough to spend a few days alone. Something I realized I had never actually done by myself. I have been without Barney or other adults but never completely alone.

While away, Barney and I were in touch via text. He was primarily at work during my waking hours so this was our best way to communicate. I still managed to feel hurt over something. Sigh, when will I ever or we ever get this communication thing right, is often the question we ask ourselves.

Barney came to pick me up. I knew I was in trouble for some of my texts, and ya know perhaps hanging up the phone on him. ( Step aside ladies, the Award for Sub of the Year goes to....). Apparently on the drive to retrieve his wife, Barney had devised a plan, I had been informed later. He abandon that plan or the timing of it at least and we talked, and talked and talked. Because we had the entire house to ourselves for a good day or so, there was no real pressure of time constraint- a real novelty for us living with 3 other people.

The talk led to me out and out asking Barney about a couple of things he had said to me over the past two months (re his growth discovery that he hadn't actually talked about). Together we explored what he felt. Actually I asked one or two questions at most, and he talked.

Something happened that day- there was a shift, or a cover lifted off of us. We both felt it. I believe he felt freer having clarity of his feelings and then giving a voice to it, as if the shackles had been removed. I felt like I finally got off of some twirling top that I hadn't realized I was on. Moreover that unsure feeling of moving ground underneath me had stopped as well.

For several days Barney experimented with what he discovered. He was like a different man in that particular area. I was more than eager to participate. As unpleasant as somethings were, I had the knowledge that I was helping my husband with my participation, much like he did at the start of ttwd. In some ways the unpleasantness of it all was masked behind the joy of being able to 'serve' him in this way. It was as if I found a new way to submit with purpose. For him and him alone- which of course in turn did something for my submissiveness.

He found time even on busy, long work days to explore. I suppose I could have been upset that in the past he appeared to not find time for other things but now he could for this, but truthfully I was not. I was sincerely happy for him and this breath of new life that came with this.

At the start of last week, my head began examining. Which lead to my last post. There was a swirling occurring in me. At the time I didn't understand what or why this was happening. Truthfully I am still not sure I do. My eagerness was still there, but looking back now I seemed to be missing something. I believe now that something was balance.

It wasn't that this was all Barney-centric and what about me. What Barney has been exploring is very much in the Dominance (for me- as in him) realm. As I mentioned above this did a great number on my submissive heartset, in a good way. BUT it also had me longing for more. Um, not more of HIS deal, but more of dominance outside of his growth. You know the 'old stuff'.

Let's just say that my submission was snowballing, and it ran out of snow! lol. As usual life and work became an issue with us. NOT as usual, I was doing really well, once I had realized what was going on inside of me.

Wednesday I had the most amazing day. I was all alone for a good part of it. I was lead, by the powers that be to information about personal growth, and how fear prevents us from it. One can develop a destructive pattern during good times by taking a little nugget of fear and fixating on it. Thus giving that fear more of a voice than it deserves and manifesting it into a reality. While I knew this, the timing of hearing it again was perfect. In my heart I was aware 'issues' from my last post were based on my fear. Not fear of Barney, but fear of vulnerability.

I have been to what I believe, though I know I am so wrong here, to the depths of my transparency with Barney;to an area many consider ultimate vulnerability ( which is so subjective and changes within a person as time goes on). In this place I actually feel invulnerable;though there is potential for great hurt if one or the other moves just a fraction off course. THAT (the place of great hurt) is an area I don't long to be in. And THAT is what causes great fear.

The following excerpts were my take away from my discoveries on Wednesday


Detour into fear- and then the fear becomes the reality

Resistance is what stops us from receiving. Resistance comes from fear based thoughts that keep us negative and in low vibe energy- it is in the absence of resistance that we start to feel supported


Just show up. Trusting that there is a process that begins with just showing up
( Reminds me of the fake it until you make comments long ago at the start of ttwd- mostly given to Barney. LOL)


 New mantra JUST SHOW UP AND TRUST THE PROCESS


Something happened to me that day. The final chink in the armour gave way. I had returned! I honestly felt I was floating around. Truly my authentic self could breathe again. Everything I was doing prior was the same, but the feeling of doing it was different. There were no going through the motion actions. Every part of me was in sync with my submissive core. I was no longer existing, I was thriving.



( link my clear up my statement)


This final release had nothing to do with Barney- though we all know he set the stage ( not discounting his spontaneous spanking in the kitchen on Tuesday because of a hissy fit I threw - as a balancer lol). This had to do with me. I had let go of the fear. I wasn't thinking ahead, or looking to the past. I wasn't actually thinking at all. I was just 'being' and it was fantastic!

Over the last several months I had questioned if I would ever get there again. I had questioned if I had really ever been here. Was my memory of my authentic self a fantasy? Did I just project myself into a place I had no business being? All of the dissipated on Weds.

Barney and I had a really good day on Thursday. I hadn't told him any of this, but went about my day with my new found inner peace. I am not entirely sure why I didn't share. It didn't occur to me to. Life was back for me and very good....until it wasn't. I didn't embrace any fear, as there wasn't any in the forefront of my mind concerning my submission or our dynamic, or even Barney's new found side of himself. I did express a fear of something else on Friday. It was this time that Barney decided he needed to reset me. The odd thing was, looking back as hindsight is 20/20, it wasn't ME who needed to be reset. This caused an issue with us, after the fact.

I wasn't resentful because of the reset. There was a confusion surrounding it.  I believe because  Barney required it, but issued it for me. Semantics to some I'm sure. However it is all about mindset, mine and his. During the reset things became quite confusing. Perhaps disjointed is a better way to put it.

He stopped and we talked about it, as best I could being left in a state of protected anger due to intense pain et al. This triggered something in Barney too, as he's been in a vulnerable state himself due to his new discovery. While it has been liberating for him, it has also brought him to places that until he solidifies things in his mind, make him feel a bit vulnerable when it comes to me. Needless to say we were not our best versions of ourselves. Far, far from it. In essence it was a sh*t show. LOL. A perfect storm. 


Was I fearful? No. I was eventually devastated. I had felt my authentic self retreat. I didn't want that. I wanted her back for good, (though my mind knows it is actually very difficult to stay on the bulls eye of your core for any great length of time). I was resentful that she was 'taken' away. I felt I had been blindsided by negativity- both his and mine. I felt robbed and the armour started to clink back together again. 

In my experience when this happens after a state of being so weightless and free, the armour is almost too much. It is far tighter and much more suffocating than it was the last time around. The good news is, it generally isn't as thick even though it is so incredibly heavy.

Perhaps a better analogy (though seriously less dramatic LOL) would be putting on a bathing suit after skinny dipping and swimming again. It can still be done, but it doesn't give the same satisfaction.

So this is where we currently are situated. I am still not going to give into the fear ( um you know outside of the day and a half where I reverted back to it). I know I have to keep at it if I want that feeling back of my uber submissive core back. I don't believe it is going to happen any time soon, but I do now know it CAN happen again and that alone has made this all worth it.


I have a lot more to write ( I know how is that possible) but this is beyond too long as it is.  Who knows, maybe this growth thing will have me blogging regularly for a tad again?



6 comments:

  1. Hi Willie, You're piecing this together like a 1000 piece puzzle. Lucky for you, I love puzzles. Whatever it is that Barney is discovering and exploring, the fear in you might be able to be somewhat overshadowed by the fact that he has chosen to share this with you. Not knowing what it is, anytime a man or woman goes through some sort of metamorphosis,even if it's positive, there is a sense of fear and vulnerability. Then, to share it with someone else? Even more so. I can hear the rocky road in your posts. Hoping everything smooths out soon so you two can enjoy the path together.
    Amy

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    1. Hey Amy,

      Yes, I am grateful that Barney feels comfortable enough to open up to me about this. As I mentioned to you in my last comment, he can't actually DO it without me really, but to give it a voice and then to share that with me is a bigger step than actually exploring it I think.

      I am not entirely sure how rocky our road is. It is a little disjointed right now- more like when they resurface the ashfault and as you drive over it your cars make a horrible noise, but no real danger of damage. At least not where the two of us are concerned. Individually and life, well heck, sometimes that feels like a sink hole! I know you understand what I mean there. However life plots on whether I like it or not~ lol

      willie

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  2. Change....such a force in our lives. Even if at first we embrace it ...instead of running in the other direction....it still causes an upheaval ( at least for me). And sometimes watching that person closest to us, leaves us...or me anyone...in an upheaval for so many reasons. I agree with Amy....it creates such a sense of...what the fu** am I doing and what if this is not really where I want to go??
    That feeling of authenticity and peace is such a wonderful place, but life is not stagnate, and neither is that feeling. at least in my experience. I find myself talking to 'me' saying how thankful I should be to have that at least for a while.
    OK, it is early morning and I have rambled enough...thanks for sharing...I need to come back and read this one again...hugs abby

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    1. Hey there,
      Guess you managed to get your blogger thing all sorted out? I tried to send you an email last night but it bounced back. I was afraid I'd never see you again ;)

      I really don't mind Barney's change. As I said in my last post, it is actually a relief of sorts. This growing phase is a bit of a pain however! I still am concerned (after the fact) that in any given situation my reactions, which aren't always stellar, are going to side track him. And then ultimately us as well.

      I understand about being thankful I could be there for a while. I truly am. I just miss 'her' so much when she leaves.

      Thanks,
      willie

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  3. Hi Willie,

    A mixed post. reading beginning I was thinking yay! then I read the ending and I thought damn.

    It sounds as though there have been some wonderful moments between you and Barney and it's wonderful you found your centre and am sorry you are now where you are.

    Hugs
    Roz

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  4. Hi Willie,
    I've been thinking about you as winter approaches, or maybe is already here? How are things going? I hope life is smooth and your growth continues or you're regrowing, or something is going in a positive direction. Me? I'm just hanging out hoping something happens for me - eventually. Sigh.

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