Monday, March 25, 2019

Personal Acceptance ( And a slew of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days)

I've had a bad day.  I am not special we all have bad days, and we all will again.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times.  But unlike Alexander in the children's story book with his 'Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'  I wasn't a victim of circumstance.  I was a victim of my own worst enemy, the one that is located between my ears.

I've had a bad day.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times......until one bad day turns into two, or 5 out of 7.  There can often be a snowballing effect that occurs with bad days.  I once read a quote that was similar to " You will keep making the same mistake until you learn from it".  I am not sure I could pin point the actual 'mistake' in these bad days beyond mindset.  How my mindset got to where it was started long ago....but before that, when things were actually 'worse' my mindset wasn't.

Okay I've talked in circles long enough. Years ago, back in 2016, which might not actually be enough time in the vanilla world to use the expression "years ago" but those of us living in ttwd world we know we can live a lifetime in a years ago....I discovered I was *a* submissive.  I wrote an entire post on it and what the significance of this meant to me.  I can link it below if winter is still long wherever you live and you want to read it.  Anyway, that time in my personal life was the most amazing time.  Don't get me wrong, life around me was falling a part.  A family member was dealing with a mental health crisis that was taking its toll on everyone.  Despite life not being perfect I had an inner calm about me.  I wasn't 'searching' for me any longer- not that I realized I had been to that degree.  And even if I had, if you had told me in October 2012 when I started this blog if I was a submissive I would have looked at you like you had two heads!  ( I didn't even like reading the words sub and Dom in print).

Over the years I have joked here and there about being the Poster Children for Dysfunctional Dd ( and later D/s).  I think I once wrote that we were like two blindfolded, naked people wandering around in a room full of cacti, ( you're welcome for the visual). After I made my discovery concerning my inner core, while speed bumps along the way didn't hurt any less as far as our dynamic went, I was still able to pick myself up and know I could be true to me through my submission.

Skip ahead 3 years.  Life has actually gotten better ( please powers that be don't show me you still can make it rain on our parade) but our dynamic has suffered as of late.  It isn't gone.  It isn't even on the back burner, but I am.  After 7 years.  I am not used to this feeling.  

So back to my " Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".  Somewhere in the middle of our adventure with D/s I began this odd habit if you will. If I was very, very upset, I would find a small nook in our house and cram myself in it to basically bawl my eyes out.  Over the years this diminished to non-existent actually.  There would be the few bathtub, body racking sobbing...but no more making myself as small as possible- until recently again.

I could point fingers and give all sorts of examples as to why I am where I am at mentally- but honestly that isn't going to change the real issue here.  Whether Barney is 'reaching' me with his words, actions, attentions shouldn't be the point.  And for years it really wasn't THE main point.  We started off very slow in some ways with ttwd.  The rules and expectations where there but the consequences were sporadic at best.  I didn't live the life of " Your submission will build his Dominance'.  It just didn't work that way for the first few years of Dd for us. ( Maybe some day B will write his version of why this was but it isn't my complete story to tell).  I am not mentioning this to bring down my husband just to illustrate how my mindset has been altered from where it once was.

My post on being *a* submissive was at a time when I finally accepted who I was- wholly.  Or who I was at that point of discovery in my life. I didn't bring Dd to Barney for accountability, or because I thought it was erotic (not that I view either of those things as bad or less than my situation).  I brought ttwd because I wanted to feel a deep, profound connection with my husband.  I didn't know exactly how it would do that but I read blogs back then and they talked of how life was pre Dd and post Dd and I wanted that no matter what!  I knew that I was the issue ( so I thought 100% at the time).  Not because we fought or I was a shrew, but because I kept myself closed and guarded.  I didn't know why, but I thought maybe relinquishing control to another would help that.  And it did...(and yes knowing that if I didn't do something there might be a slight chance I'd be held accountable for it was erotic...though again back then it was really not probably going to happen).  When B accepted Dd he was as lost as I was.  My submissive post solidified a time in our relationship where we accepted who I was.  I didn't NEED him to be submissive, but he was there to show me he wanted my submission, to help me maintain it and to give me the confidence to accept it in myself because he accepted/wanted/desired it.

Sounds so backwards when I reread that.  I basically needed Barney to accept Dd/D/s so that I could accept myself? Is that not the opposite of what we try to teach our children?  You can't love others if you don't love yourself and all that jazz?...Right back to the cramming and tub crying point.  Today I was in an empty tub sobbing after a "Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (half )Day"  Something Barney had said to me in haste opened up the floodgates for a different reason- beyond feeling frustrated and misunderstood.  It wasn't until I had almost exhausted myself that I had the realization of why I was so upset.

I have long known that I have been struggling with something.  I haven't felt myself for a while now.  Unlike countless, previous times, I have been unable or more aptly unwilling to do what it took to ground myself again back to my core.  I wasn't allowing Barney's words or actions to build my submission like I used to either.  It's actually been like an out of body experience ( um in theory).  I've been deflecting and projecting ( oh don't get me wrong here, I didn't get here on my own...LMAO  but again not the point of this post).  His words today maybe me realize what I was hiding- shame.  I've seen snippets of it here and there.  There have been discussions with Barney and a close friend about sometimes 'hating my submission'.  I have thought " why can't I just be normal'?  Why do I have this need?  Other people seem completely happy and they don't live a different life ( yes , yes who knows for sure).    After my momentous discovery in 2016 and the calm that came over me for a few years after that, I have reverted back to no longer accepting this part of me.

I have no personally valid reason to feel this way.  Could be the dreaded 'HORROR MOANS' or declining numbers of them?  Could be the struggles we've had brought about by various aspects of Barney's growth over time and what that means to him.? Regardless of how it happened, I just can't believe it actually HAS happened.

When we started I was a runner- oh hell no not in the literal sense!  But I would run from any an all confrontation, unless I was steamed and it wasn't about me.  I would roll up like a pill bug at the first sight of uncomfortable emotions.  I later became a digger.  Excavating why?  Why did I react like this?  What has happened in my past to bring out these emotions- was it my past with B or before that?  How do I get passed this.  Now it would appear I am back to running and rolling up.  Nothing will ever change until I turn back to digging again.  

 I can sit here and tell you all the things I should do- one foot in front of the other., communication, writing ( oh yay I did one! ) but my wanting to embrace my need has to be there. I know fear has a great deal to do with it, but fear never used to stop me before. I just don't understand why after so many years, I lost it to this degree.  There is a weakness for me to have the mentality that I  need Barney to validate me through our dynamic.  That is never going to work for the long haul.  It seems like submission built on a house of cards- one gust of wind and it would all come tumbling down. I need to feel my submission is safe and accepted by me first.  I just don't understand how to do that.

One thing I do know my " Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" will continue to multiply if I can't find away back to personal acceptance.  So I suppose that is a start.

( Submissive post from 2016 ~~~~~> I am.....terrified)

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

No longer Private (for now) Want and Needs a Different Spin

First a little 'house keeping' matter. After 4 years I have decided to make my blog public for a bit. This mostly came because I still have people asking to read this dust crusted blog and I *think* you need a google+ account to do so. With google getting rid of that function next month, I thought the ability to read my long missives from long ago would be gone as well. We shall see what happens. I haven't written here in a year, but I thought I'd share something not that personal as a start. Not that I have any readers left.  LOL

I have been in several discussions over the past few months concerning the term ‘Natural Submissive’ It isn’t what I am about to write about but these discussions are where this realization came from.

I have heard the terms want vs needs and all sorts of explanations of what each means and where each falls in “the” diagram depending on what side of ‘the slash’ you fall on

Her Needs

His Needs

His Wants

Her Wants

….again not what I am referring too. 

I discovered long ago the submissive in me. I know the NEED is there. I say NEED because in order to live my life in my authentic, and therefore most fulfilling form I need to be submissive. BUT………… all honesty I don’t NEED to be submissive. More like: Submissive to thrive but not survive. 

I have come to the realization that what varies is my WANT to work on my need. While trying to explain my view on the term “Natural Submissive” I decided to use a tangible talent as an example. Suppose one is born with the natural ability to draw for example. Early in life they stand out from the rest perhaps? Eventually though in order to thrive with their natural talent they are going to have to work on it and push themselves- learning and growing or I’d imagine they would hit the ceiling like anyone else. Talent can get you started but one generally has to work on that talent to advance themselves. So it was this line of thinking that had me realize the want/need perspective I have.

Let’s suppose I have this natural NEED to be submissive, or A submissive. While it got the ball rolling I still had/have to work on different aspects of my submission, what it looks like for B, what he wants, needs, desires…how they match up, do they match up…or on days when I just don’t feel like it- ‘acting’ the part until I feel something more authentic again.

So to me while the need is always there, the WANT is key to success or stumble. How much do I *want* to work to cultivate and embrace my need? 

Back to my talent example. How many artists ‘peaked’ at a young age? How many artists are out there saying, “ I used to draw in high school and I wasn’t bad”. Perhaps the ‘used to’ was not because their talent disappeared but their wanting to develop it did or never existed to begin with. For me there are days when I don’t WANT to embrace my ‘need’. Days when I feel it is too much to feel that. Days when my want disappears, but there are not days when my need does.