Monday, April 29, 2019

New Venture With abby: At the Heart of It- This week- Self Validation

Life is funny you know?  People, things, circumstances, even thoughts have a way of finding you in the most unlikely way - sometimes the timing is actually good too! Take abby and my joint writing venture :

We decided that we'd like to take a stab at writing about the same subject to discover things about ourselves. either where we struggle or how we have grown and perhaps why.  The idea of At The Heart of It originated because often we think we are going to talk about one thing and end up discovering what the heart of it really is to us while digging deeper.   I doubt we will be doing a weekly prompt type idea- we want to find the right question for us and give it the attention it requires. Who are we kidding we are wordy writers, once and a while will be enough for all involved- writers AND readers!

So without further adieu today's subject: Self Validation/ Love of Self ( Didn't want to get you all excited thinking about Self Love *wink*).

The Affects of Self Validation On Our Dynamic

Our son is becoming an amazing artist, but that is not his gift.  He has been gifted with determination. When he first stepped foot on the path he is walking, he faced some very harsh news regarding his first portfolio attempt. Whether it was his passion, his determination or both, he picked himself up, reexamined his work,  where he was placing his focus and set to make it right, despite his critic's suggestions he take another route. He didn't get accepted into his first choice college, which ended up to be a Godsend as his second choice was more suited to his style and area of talent strength in the long run. He was still over the moon to be living what he loved.

I can draw, but I never developed my talent like he did. I tell others that 'back then, it wasn't as encouraged', but the truth of it is, I didn't believe in myself as he does himself. He isn't arrogant, selfish or delusional- he's driven and confident in his future abilities even if they are buried at the moment.

I often joke that we have no idea where that comes from.  Although if I examine his drive in comparison to how I am with in our dynamic, I know precisely where he got it from. Once I discovered who I really was, my passion/obsession, and determination became focused on maintaining that woman. Unfortunately over time, maintaining turned to protecting, which ultimately changed to questioning   Being a submissive does involve a lot of interpersonal development, but it also requires exchange at times with the same intensity on the opposite side of 'the slash'. ( Perhaps a post topic for another time)

Self validation is an interesting phrase to me. Others may prefer " acceptance of self " or " love of self" and while I have read those and similar phrases over the years, self validation struck a cord in me. Perhaps it was timing or the source. I began to read about external and internal validation with great interest. External validation concerning my submission is actually not difficult to come by- It is wonderful to be seen by friends isn't it?

But what about those times when you are alone? Those times your friends are not available. Those times when your significant other is busy, distracted, on a different D/s plain or God forbid, STRUGGLING?  This would be the time self validation should be there to draw on.

Once upon a time I was able to turn to myself and my acceptance of my inner voice. Life might not have been great around me, but my part in my life, in my skin was.  Looking back I wonder how much of that self validation was initiated from within or whether it was more based on external sources. Does it even matter some may wonder?

In my case I think it does.  For if I was so as well equipped in self validation back then I as I thought I was, where has that perspective gone?

So what exactly does this have to do with our dynamic? I am coming to believe that perhaps I confused approval with acceptance.  I gained approval of self by B agreeing to ttwd. This lead the way for me to feel accepted and thus accepting myself. But perhaps. while a necessary step to growth, I stopped too short and have yet to determine the depth required to own my self validation, guilt free.

If I return back to the thinking about our son, nothing these people in the business told him (negatively) deterred him.  He held true to his dream regardless.  His determination is commendable but his ability to see himself and draw from that is nothing short of miraculous, especially given his young age.  Yes he turns to us at times when he is struggling, to hear what he already knows. He takes our hand to help him back to the path he has constructed mostly on his own.

And what of his mother? She currently is not as brave. Digging deep seems to not do much more than churn up waters, clouding my judgment concerning myself. I tend to see myself no problem,  when I am alone. However the minute I am with B now I blow out that beacon of light.

My Submissive Heartset tends to be shrouded in things that have been said, doubt, comparison, what ifs, if onlys...The issue should not be that I have experienced negativity or perceived it at times. The issue then becomes " accept yourself" . Stop looking at others to fill that void.  Fill the void yourself and use that area to stand up and shout, " This is Me! I am not perfect, I don't love all aspects of me, but I DO love me!".

Instead I close up. I project that I am no longer vulnerable.  I can do without this. It isn't important. You didn't hurt me. I don't feel rejected for me. ( The interesting notion is that closing up or shutting down is not being vulnerable. When in reality is merely a 'bid' for someone to notice the internal shift with an external clue).  Mentally I degrade my submission, my need. I tell myself that my past reality might not have been truths and that current realities are the truth that has always been.

I was reading  the other day how often when we fail to self validate we punish ourselves. When "we reject.. ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves." Lori Deschenel. I am familiar with this. I discovered what is currently "At the Heart of It" is I am creating a force field and pushing B away in the hopes of  not feeling too deeply - thus creating exactly what I don't want. I am also not being true to myself and that makes me fearful, miserable and not able to self validate because I am outwardly projecting the complete opposite of who I truly am at times.

If B was in a rut before, ( he's still here let's just say we are on different D/s plains at the moment), I have placed my foot on the gas to make sure those wheels are spinning at high speed digging us deeper.

 I used to be able to shake it off more easily. ' He will come around. I know who I am- regardless of what he does.'  I still know who I am..I just seem to have a more difficult time allowing her out.  And if I am too afraid to see her, how is he ever going to? I have realized how I project myself in our dynamic is directly affected by my ability to self validate. Without that anchor of deep self acceptance from within, the D/s foundation I build with B is shaky at best.

I should probably take time to say that this isn't meant to be a 'woe is willie' post or even an advice seeking one. LOL.  I just wanted to get to the heart of the matter as to why perhaps I am not feeling my submission as deeply as I once was, and how my perception of self can get in the way. Don't you worry,  I'll get my sh*t together soon enough *wink*

I could go on to explain ways to self validate, but there is tons on that via the web ( try tinybuddha.com

As an aside- I found this and it really spoke to me so I thought I'd share :

" As we go through personal developmental changes, our intimacy need is also changed from a sheer need for protection and approval to the need for being fully understood and connected emotionally and spiritually. When the people very close to us fail to meet such a higher need, we experience the lack of spiritual self-validation. Sometimes we exaggerate minor incidents through selective perception and self-critical reasoning into crisis situations, and fail to value our self-worth and competence.

Various psychological processes take place when we are in these situations. We feel denied access to the right to be and the right to feel at such moments. We feel as if a part in us is slowly dying in pain. We start doubting our self-worth, and losing confidence and self-respect. Our self-identity gets shaken, and we become unsure of who we are and what we are. We lose sight of the meaning of life and become hopeless and directionless. "(Trumpeter (1993)
ISSN: 0832-6193
On Self-Validation
F. Ishu Ishiyama
University of British Columbia)


  1. wow...this is one of those posts I will need to read more than once...a quick my opinion submission has to be fed/nurtured...or it wanes. Yeats ago when M and I were struggling, I said to him...I cannot be submissive to myself..and held my breath...He agreed,,,knew what I met...and it made a big difference to both of us. hugs abby

    1. Seems like reading my posts more than once is a theme here. Perhaps I should take up writing in bullet points? lol

      I agree whole hardheartedly agree submission grows when it is fed. You can go along for a while holding your own, but that can only get you so far for so long


  2. Hi Willie, This is great. I often wonder where self validation comes from because the easy answer is, "from yourself, silly!" Yet, it's more illusive than that. I can self validate in one area, like motherhood, but not do the same for something more person, like intellect. Still trying to figure it all out. Eric's trying too. He self validates all day long. Hmmm. Male vs. female? Thoughts?

    1. Hey Amy,

      I suppose to answer your question, there are many facets to self validation- as many as there are areas in our lives we need to do it?

      I'm not sure about the male/female difference. I once had a male HOH friend tell me years ago, deep down inside every man fears people are going to figure out what he already knows, "he's a fraud". A tad dramatic don't you think? But interestingly enough I have repeated his quote to many a man and they have agreed. So guess men have just as difficult of a time self validating as women. Probably just don't readily admit it as us though ( says a mother of 3 men).


  3. Hi Willie,

    Wow, what a great topic, and collaboration with Abby. A wonderful, thoughtful post. One I need to re-read and ponder.


    1. Hey Roz

      Thanks- abby and I had fun collaborating. It was funny because I suggested a topic and so did she and basically they were the same topic! LOL.


  4. Hi Willie ... congrats on the collaborative posting with Abby! ... always good to try something new. It's a deep topic you've chosen ... one that will require more thinking and reading on my part to answer with full understanding but good that you've put it out there ... nj

    1. Thanks. I have never really tried to do similar posts with someone. And added bonus was that Blondie joined in too!!

      So am I to assume you will be back then Nj? LOL..

  5. Wow! You outdid yourself with this post. Makes my piece look like peanuts. Thank you for your insight on self validation. I think it gets complicated when we add the D/s into it because there is someone else who's validation we are seeking besides our own. You make some great points. Proud of your son, so happy for him. Talk to you soon.

  6. Your post most certainly doesn't look like peanuts. More people related to your's than mine so that should tell you something right there lady!!!

    I think EVERYTHING gets complicated when you add D/s into the mix. You are right, we are seeking their approval/validation and that leads to ours in a sense, then there is the separate part of our self validation as a sub without them in the mix..

    Thanks for the well wishes for our son. He is really thriving in his course (Dean's list for the 4th time ) and studios are talking about him. It's really amazing to watch him grow!