Wednesday, April 17, 2019

What is Pain to you? (Another submissive writing exercise)



Barney gave me another writing assignment as a reflective, submissive exercise. I have to admit this was initially a bit of a challenge. I stared at the question for quite sometime trying to figure out exactly what he might be looking for. Before he left for work he said something about very loose perimeters as far as this assignment went, and I took it to heart and ran with whatever came to mind.


* I have to admit it was a difficult decision to share this post. Not so much because of the content but because of the discussions  we had after B read it. Barney started our conversation with, " It is not what I expected but it is still good"- or something like that. Well I lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it. I closed up. Then he lost it. As I stated, when initially giving me this assignment he told me I had very loose perimeters with the subject matter. By commenting that it wasn't what he was expecting I felt initially robbed of that.  But there was more to it.  It took a while before we came to that understanding.  

After calming down B returned and apologized to me.  He put into words what I was really feeling before I could ( I was still upset over the 'loose perimeters' that weren't in my mind). He basically said, " I know your goal is to always please me and I have to be more attentive to that when I talk to you.  I am not disappointed in what you wrote.". 

 I thought back to other times I had similar reactions in a discussion. It was true on so many levels,I really don't like not providing what is expected of me or having him and others  who I respect disappointed in me- but there was also another layer to that. Those who read my comments on other blogs can attest, I tend to see things very differently than others, (thank you dyslexia). Most times this is a very good thing, but it still always makes me feel like a fish out of water.  Earlier in the week it was pointed out to me on a blog I had commented on.  So B's comment was adding insult to injury.  Just like the post where  I had put my comment on, I reread B's question several times.  I couldn't for the life of me see where I had errorred. What I had missed.  Couple that with not living up to his expectation, after putting myself 'out there' for him it was basically soul crushing.

 And if I am to be honest, brutally honest, I am still not over my feelings on the matter.  Yes I *am* insecure when it comes to writing, especially because I am now unprivate again and many of my longtime readers are no longer. I am forever second guessing my comments and posts because they seem so out in left field compared to others. BUT this is who I am and there is only one way to get over those demons and that is to plug on! (no pun intended)


****

What is pain to you, physical, and emotional?





I am going to assume you mean within the context of our dynamic and not me stubbing my toe? 






Physical pain administered within the context of our dynamic is the exchange of power in the highest, yet also most basic form. Physical pain, once accepted is the emptying of the mind. It is the restoring of power. It is the ultimate surrender to a dominating force. Pain not only empties the mind, it breaks down walls, and secures the submissive heart. Depending on why the pain is being administered depends on what it does to me. I am not often one who needs the pain to release the guilt. I am more the one who requires it to restore the balance of power in my mind- or at the very least start that process. In addition to restoring the balance of power it solidifies to me that whatever has occurred is truly important enough for you to make sure I have felt your displeasure


My mindset


 Pain ( Merely one way pain is administered. It doesn't always take this form)

Balance of Power Restored



 It is the exclamation point to your words. I wouldn't say that pain alone is the deterrent for not repeating offences, but the fact that you administer it brings an air of authenticity to the significance of our dynamic from you and shows your desire to keep us in our designated roles. In some twisted way the fact that you physically dole out pain if I am not being submissive, in action, attitude or words says to me that my submission is as important to you as it is to me and that neither of us should expect any less.

Physical pain alone for me is not erotic. The power exchange must exist in order for the pain to contain an arousing aspect. It took me a long time to figure out why erotic spankings were not for me, or why resets seemed to take much longer than punishments to 'set the stage' for a physical change in me. They both were lacking the type of power required for my mind to allow those walls to come down and allow the sexual being out. Of course your resets are different now but they still do take longer than a punishment to allow myself to let go- to feel my submissive self reemerge.


Physical pain for your pleasure is entirely different, yet it isn't. There is a power exchange occurring but the context changes the emotions during that exchange. Currently, I still need to be informed when I am submitting to pain for your pleasure. Physical pain often manifests itself in anger which can have my head swirling in countless directions. Knowing in advance that my pain is strictly for you helps me channel more helpful emotions which dull the anger response that comes from the biting, instant pain. While I don't enjoy that pain, the fact that you do and the fact my submitting to you for it (eventually) instills a bit of submissive pride in me. I did say eventually. If you stop before I can reconcile my anger response to the latest strike- well eventually might come after more snarling and snorting...lol


Emotional pain is the worst type of pain I can experience anywhere, but particularly within the context of this dynamic. Since starting ttwd a great majority of old walls have come down, which is a wonderful thing- yet it isn't if emotional pain arrives. Without these old coping mechanisms that are not, the emotional pain is quick, raw and often lingering. I have no choice now but to feel this pain as I cannot seem to suppress what I used to. Often the emotional pain can manifest itself physically if left unresolved or at the very least it can cast a dark shadow over many areas of our lives until it is.

Emotional pain to me is the catalyst for attempting to return to my old ways. It is the catalyst for shutting down, and shutting out. It turns down the volume on my submissive voice and sends the negative thoughts to 11. ( Impressive that I can use a SpinalTap reference in a Ds submissive exercise!). Emotional pain snowballs into areas it has no business going, yet it does. It sends out signals of distrust. 


It creates a force field constructed of anger to keep others at bay and to protect whatever is left behind it. Emotional pain feeds itself on self esteem. The longer it is experienced the more damage it creates. This type of pain can multiply and spawn emotional self harm. Experiencing these depths of pain can set our dynamic back to a point where the good has been temporarily forgotten. Its effects can be farther reaching in comparison to any physical pain- especially if ignored for a period of time.



Often understanding abates emotional pain, but given the opportunity physical pain can stop it in its tracks before it has a chance to create more damage.

15 comments:

  1. Willie, The line "Emotional pain is the worst type of pain I can experience anywhere, but particularly within the context of this dynamic" fairly jumped off the page at me! I believe every submissive heart alive would agree with that statement. When you let go of walls the potential for this pain to do lasting damage is high if it is left alone. Physical pain to me has no comparison, and that is where having a trusted partner is the only way this type of relationship works. Barney realizes his power and seems to be more aware of the import of that power. Great post. Thanks
    Mignon

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    1. Hi Mignon ( btw did you see B answered your question on my last post?)

      I think it is the way we are wired perhaps? I do have a trusted partner but I will confess there are times where I don't necessarily trust my partner. Read into that what you will. Some days it is because of his past history, some days it is because of mine. I do find the more I have let down walls in life, the more I can also get blurred vision when it comes to emotions- until I fully comprehend what is going on deep inside ( what is causing those emotions often aren't the first thing that comes to mind in most cases).

      As far as Barney realizing his power, and the importance of it, on a good day *wink*. Projecting said power or how that power impacts me ( no pun intended) can provide complications. But let's face it, we are often moving targets in this dynamic LOL.

      Thanks for stopping by again. I love reading what you think.

      willie

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  2. “Physical pain administered within the context of our dynamic is the exchange of power in the highest, yet also most basic form. Physical pain, once accepted is the emptying of the mind. It is the restoring of power. It is the ultimate surrender to a dominating force. Pain not only empties the mind, it breaks down walls, and secures the submissive heart.”


    I’m so glad you decided to share. I feel very much the same way about physical pain. I think that’s why physical punishments are so effective for me, yet physical pain can also be used in other contexts including erotic. Because it works to balance our dynamic. It’s a pure and primal expression of our roles, and it can work to secure us in those roles. So if pain is given as punishment, it restores us. If it’s given for his pleasure, it reinforces us. It took me a long time to reconcile how pain could be so versatile. I worried that physical punishment wasn’t authentic since pain existed for us elsewhere in our dynamic.

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    1. Well hello my (trying to find the right adjective here...feel free to fill in the blank)________ friend! I know it was a bit of a PITA to comment for you, so much appreciated!

      Thank you for the encouragement via your comment. Not only was it appreciated, it was very timely! I liked this portion, " if pain is given as a punishment, it restores us. If given for his pleasure, it reinforces us". Very well said.

      I understand exactly what you mean with the feeling authentic because it existed elsewhere in your dynamic. I believe others can say they have had those doubts if sex occurred after a punishment. I fortunately didn't have those, dare I say, insecurities around pain. I do remember years ago fretting ( no clue why) that maybe I was a masochist because pain did something for me, until I realized it wasn't the pain but the power. Quite frankly this is all very multifaceted and confusing if I sit back an try to explain deeper. LMAO.

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  3. Pain is often caused when forced to think deeply about one's dynamic when Wilma puts out these incredibly profound posts! ;) I loved it. Ouch! (The good kind.)
    Amy

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    1. Oh dear. Well so let's have it...tell me...share...what is your view on pain? You are one of the only people I know who can and will openly share about the benefits of self spanking in your dynamic. You can offer us all a unique perspective!

      willie

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  4. Hi Willie, I'm sorry I'm late to the party. Wow, these writing assignments are so thought provoking. I'm sorry this one initially led to some disharmony and I can see how it happened. I enjoyed reading perspective on this. Emotional pain is the worst kind of pain for me also,

    Much love

    Roz

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    1. Well Roz you'll have to sit at the table by the kitchen door as you are so late! LOL
      I love how you make a fashionably late entrance!

      Thanks for acknowledging that we could take a 'simple' assignment and turn it into a cluster f*ck...er I mean 'cause some disharmony' LOL. I think regardless of what type of relationships we have emotional pain is awful. Though talking to a male friend of mine he expressed more mental pain than emotional...I think he said something like, " must be a girl thing" Pfft!!! Jerk ;)

      Lovin' ya back
      willie

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  5. WOW...as a retired english teacher you get an A++!! As a submissive, I found myself nodding my head in agreement a LOT!!(which lately has been the case...tho I am finding me way back)....Yes, the emotional pain is the worse, and for the me the physical pain reduces the emotional...which does cause me to shut down, to distance. And I had never thought about it, but also very true,...that the pain without the power exchange is just pain..not erotic or even cleansing. I am ...slowly ...working my way back to blogging..this will probably be an upcoming post. When I first heard about your writing assignments I toyed with the idea of discussing it with M...still not sure I want to go there..but I do love reading yours! hugs abby....

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  6. Hey Abby,

    Wow an A++? Where were you when I was in high school? LOL. I like how you simply put it, " the physical pain reduces the emotional"

    I read your post and hope to comment after I give it more thought. Maybe we can collectively start doing submissive driven writing assignments? I know on tumblr they have The Submissive Coffee Club that has writing prompts yet I haven't personally found one that I want to write about. Maybe we could come up with some ideas and do a weekly deal? LOL. Or you know...NOT!

    I'll try to link your post here!

    willie

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  7. I very much like your idea of a collaboration ...of sorts. I think it would be interesting to see how we each respond to a prompt.....I am in! hugs abby

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    1. Okay! Pressure is on!!! Do me a favour, shoot me an email - I have 3 of yours so not sure which one works. LOL

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    2. email addy sent...thanks...abby

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  8. Augh, I hate disappointing too. The Duke, and a couple dominants I've really come to admire. It happened just this week, and the swirl of feeling lost, not enough, like I failed, and even a bit worried that I might not be wanted as I am, etc, was awful. It took a few days to get to rights. I too don't like physical pain, but the reasons you wrote for it are great. I am liking these writing exercises. The Duke and I have talked about some... eek, might be good for me, not sure. lol I think I'll have to ask for some guidelines though. :)
    EsMay

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  9. As usual, late to comment but I think you are used to me by now, lol. First off, I would of shut down by his first comment too but I like that you all worked through it. This is a wonderful piece of writing and I actually learned something about myself in reading it. Thank you.

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