Tuesday, May 21, 2019

He's Been Suppressing and We've Be Struggling- Who suspected this?

Let's see where this takes 'us' shall we?  I haven't written about any physical type stuff on our blog, since I don't know when. I am not uber private, so it isn't a case of keeping it just between us, I just don't find a lot of value for myself personally sharing that.  I enjoy being part of blog land but my main purpose of my blog is to process and share- mostly difficult stuff because ttwd isn't easy.

This is a tad different.  I realize there are very few out there ( hi Roz ) who have been reading here every step of the way, so many don't know where we started out.  A hopefully  quick recap:

  • I brought Dd to Barney in the fall of 2012 for the purpose of connection in our marriage after trying several other things- I didn't think I was submissive (didn't even like the term)
  • Over time I began to flourish in this dynamic which was more D/s than it was strictly Dd (not going into our views on the difference but it really didn't include the sexual aspect many associate with D/s alone)
  • Barney quickly got over the feelings of 'not harming his wife' when it came to what he called Reconnection Appointments, but it took him a LONG time to get to the punishment aspect- though he got there.
  • Inconsistency still ran rampant  for a long time and still does in times of stress
  • Spankings were not the only punishments that began to happen.  Things I thought I'd never do became part of us- and often far more effective for my state of mind.
  • We switched over to a more organized D/s several years ago and while it has been amazing for me, B began to struggle more.  By organized I mean he started to help cultivate my submission as opposed to the scales being heavier on the reactionary idea of Dd.  Preemptive if you will
  • Barney began to struggle with these new found emotions he had (yes he's always been sweet). He didn't realize he could become so angry with me when I stepped out of my submissive state. So he withdrew- until we had the conversation, or several of them that being angry is okay to punish....even beneficial ( as backed up by many of my subbie friends and a 'larger than life' Dom we know) See The Anger Myth post.
  • Last year B seemed different again.  After much conversation- which is still ongoing as far as acceptance goes for him, not for me, he admitted ( he still waffles on this ) that he ENJOYS hurting me- in a controlled environment.  Not in a fit of rage.  Not running his fingers over my butt after the fact..but like pain for no purpose other than he can.  There actually IS a purpose for me in that I am serving a purpose but that is again another post
  • NO one who knows B would ever suspect there is a different side to him.  Heck if you read back in this blog you'd never see that coming.
  • This is something he continually struggles with- more so than any idea he ever had that spanking was a bad thing.
  • Am I worried he is going to evolve into some UBER Sadist? LOL...at the speed B moves we'll be too old for that to ever happen.
  • I came to the realization long ago who I was and became comfortable with it, ( still learning but the foundation is there) B is still working on that, which causes issues more often than not...
Okay so on with the show.

We have been off more than on for the last ....forever. LOL.  Our D/s was still in tact just more watered down than was required - or the required level was only in spits and spurts and not showing the amount of outward success needed to add momentum because of it. 

To say I have been frustrated, heavy hearted and eventually pessimistic would be a great understatement. As many of you know, the deeper you go with ttwd the more challenging it CAN be if it seems to become diluted.  I'd wake every morning hoping that my dynamic ( I really want to type husband here because to me some aspects of him were missing) would return.  The dynamic was actually still there but the vibe was very low. I suspected the worst again- like this wasn't IN him.  He was doing this all for me.  I had no idea what was to come in the near future.

Over the past few months we have had countless conversations that I left feeling really hopeful.  Our communication, though often rough at the start (UNDERSTATEMENT) seemed to provide the breakthrough needed to set the tone back to where it was- in a growing state.  But inevitably we'd falter.  Sometimes harder than before (okay that was me).  To be honest I don't even recall what had been said the day before this one, but something seemed to change ever so slightly in B.

I had been talking to a friend of ours who had offered some suggestions, all of which made complete sense, that I suggest to B.  I decided against it.  Not primarily because I don't like guiding B anymore at this stage of the game ( for various reasons ) because I have still offered reminders of what he used to do and how it worked when ASKED, but because B seemed just a little bit different and I didn't want to 'muddy' the waters.

B has been known to get up in the early morning (not easy for him) not say a word other than, " Come here and put your hands on the stool" lift or drop whatever I am wearing and lay into me for a brief but energetic moment.  Honestly those moments have a great way of setting the tone for the day- provided the rest is there.  This particular morning he came downstairs and was all chipper and bubbly.  NOT that I don't like my husband this way, but it was a little off putting based on recent history.  I began to worry that I had been mistaken about how he seemed different the night before, but I bit my tongue and bide my time- I'm fairly certain he's going to have a different take on how 'well' I did at that!

After our youngest left for school he had me go up into our room and 'assume the kneeling position'.  This position has very specific specifications, one of which has my arms outstretched.  I feel like I should be flying around the room in airplane mode, until they start to shake that is. It is however the first step to breaking down my defences often- if done for a prolonged period of time.

Upon entering the room,

" Put your arms down, tilt your head back keeping your eyes closed"
........I said nothing

He covered my eyes and instructed me to kneel on our loveseat ( we still had a 'kid' asleep in the house so one has to make due with a less than stellar area sometimes).  He bound my ankles with cuffs, so I technically could bring them up if I wanted. LOL.  I was instructed to put my forearms on the bed behind the love seat. It was at this time that he wrapped and eventually tied my wrists with a cotton rope (not that I knew that at the time).  Not long after he inserted the altered bit gag into my mouth ( I have an overbite- NOT BUCK TEETH) so ball gags are not going to happen here.  This is a soft bit gag that most of the stuffing has been removed and then resealed.  I could still move it if I needed but didn't bother him with that detail.  I was then told to get back up into a kneel as he moved my hair aside. 

 CRAP, he's going to use my back! For those who don't know several years ago I managed to injure my back and hip.  It was a very long recovery for me.  To this day I am still very afraid of having my back struck as well as the beefy part above my right hip.  Okay terrified LOL.  

He began with the silicone flogger ( at least he was warming me up).  This isn't a painful flogger really, but it is annoying as H*LL.  It stings especially when it lands on the outer hip or the front of the thighs. On my upper back it tends to feel more thuddy.  He criss crossed my back a bit, talking to me as he did. ** This can be an area that can make or break the atmosphere for me.  If B starts talking about how he has failed us and knows what he needs to do in the future, my armour goes up.  I don't mind having those discussions just not in THIS arena.  Thankfully this day he chose a different tatic

He went on to tell me today he was taking.  This wasn't about me.  This was all about him.  He has missed this part of him.  He said he believed that is what has been holding him back, that he was denying part of himself and it has effected our dynamic.

The next thing I felt was a searing pain across my lower back.  I knew what it was internally groaned, and outwardly hissed.  Laugh away, but it was a 24 inch glow stick.  That sucker stings more than a cane, for me I realize we all process pain differently.  It has been a long while since he has 'taken' so I was very much out of practice, in addition to losing weight.  Over and over again he marked my back.  This glow stick doesn't leave a deep lingering pain, but it does leave stings and marks.  I am sure if he applied it with more force ( which he did below my hips) I would feel it.  But he knows I am fearful still of my back, and he still gets his reaction, and marks without having to go too deep.  

It's an odd feeling knowing you aren't really getting hurt, in comparison to other times in the past especially, and yet still accepting the pain you are receiving.  Each time I hissed through the gag, yet I felt silly as I knew it could be way worse.  Eventually as I said, he moved to below my waist.  These blows came much harder as it is the beefy area, and very used to 'abuse' LOL.  Thankfully he left the majority of my legs alone.  No need to explain the 'X' marks the spot on a calf in short season.

Before we started he told me if ever I became afraid to just shake my head.  I heard him rummaging through his drawer.  Suddenly I felt and heard a shock.  I screamed through the gag.  He paused and asked me if I was okay.  I pushed the gag aside and mumbled it wasn't so bad, it was the sound that startled me.  He tested his new toy over and over again.  Each time I jumped.  The initial hit didn't hurt but it did send a lingering uncomfortable sensation.  Oh also smelled a bit of burning hair.  LOL.  At one point he went to an area I became fearful of (not sexual) and shook my head frantically.  He calmly assured me it was okay, and thanked me for expressing that moving on to other areas.

I believe he returned to his buddy the glow stick not long after that.  More in his comfort zone I suppose.  He continued to tell me how he needed this.  How he needed to embrace this side of him and not suppress it.  He realized that by suppressing this part of himself it was creating a distance between us ( OH boy can I relate to that one).  All in all this time together wasn't actually that challenging for me.  Baby steps back I suppose.  But I knew it was very important.  My mind didn't slip into subbie mode like it had in the past at least not to the depths it used to ( again baby steps for me too).

He released my ankles, took off my blindfold, ungagged me and kissed me ( confession all I could think was why would you want to kiss my wet, drool soaked face?).  Eventually he took the rope off of my wrists where I noticed a pretty little pattern woven around them.  After he helped me stand, he told me to hug him and he spoke some more of his need.  He took my hand and placed it on his jeans to 'show' me that my submission does this to him.  I was instructed to go into the bathroom and clean up.

I was a tad confused as to why that was it.  I mean if  THIS did THAT to him, why did he stop there? I now believe it was because he wanted the pain exchange to be the primary focus not the release.  I examined myself in the mirror.  To my surprise some of the marks seemed angry- my surprise because I felt this session was much lighter than the past.  I still carry some of these marks.  Most are perfect double lines.  One has a bit of bruising.

I check out the progress of these marks several times a day.  They don't hurt.  I am not stiff as I usually am after, but they linger.  Do I feel a sense of pride in submitting? In part, but again it wasn't as challenging as it has been in the past.  I do feel more pride in B when I see these marks.  For the time being anyway he has taken a step toward what he believes is what he needs.  He is once again embracing HIS NEED versus mine.  And honestly that is all I have ever wanted.  For him to run the show whatever that looks like.  For him to be authentically him.  I know it must be difficult as he didn't bring Dd to us so his growth was almost more forced out of him and publicly rather than mine which started prior to Dd.  He didn't realize he had different aspects of himself that he now knows about ( I can relate) and he has a difficult time rectifying that part when life, insecurities, stress comes knocking at our door.  He doesn't have the free time to examine and dissect that I do/did during my growing periods.

He hasn't asked about my marks.  Once a long time ago I asked him why he doesn't ask about marks he places when he takes.  He said, he can still see them in his head.  Odd, but a similar answer that a friend once gave so who am I to question?

It hasn't been that long since this day, but the most important thing is the vibe seems to have changed in the right direction again.  We still have work to do, and I am fearful of the next week due to 'life', but I am trying my best to just believe.

Some might not see the connection to Dd, D/s and view this post as some sort of BDSM 'thing', but to me it isn't.  Our dynamic is based on a form of power exchange ( unfortunately often a teeter todder and the power doesn't always lie where it needs to - B laughs when he hears I believe I have the power...I laugh when he thinks I don't LOL).  For me this dynamic was never about not having to 'do everything' at home, or be relieved of burdens.  It was never about accountability ( outside of destructive behaviour toward our relationship- like shutting down).  It was never about breaking me of habits, not that I am perfect by any means.  Long ago I wanted a deeper connection between us, and long ago I discovered in order for that to happen I needed to lay down my armour and let myself be me.  This dynamic does that.  He being in control, authentically not following my lead to lead,  creates an environment where I can just be me.  Often it causes issues too...still learning to navigate those emotional waters.  There is an immense freedom associated with B taking what he wants to fulfill a growing need in himself.  I provided a  physical service which technically only I can provide, but more than that  I helped him step back into his current authenticity. Without feeling like he is living his authentic self, I feel like our dynamic is a fraud.  I feel that my needs aren't being met because part of my need is this comes from deep in him.  Submission given to someone who is taking it because it is my need not their's to recieve- basically they enjoy it but don't NEED it, is hollow for me on a personal level.  Please don't misunderstand, I do think we lived like this for a very long time while things adjusted here.  Once the sift started to happen, my growth in submission grew and that is how I became to embrace my authentic self.  

  Where this leads I have no clue and I'm sure he doesn't either.  What it has done already,  is removed a great majority of the armour that was starting to build- in both of us.


  1. Hi Willie,

    Wow, what a great, and open and honest post! I think I need to come back and re-read. I can understand this must have been hard for Barney reconciling this need in him, and I also understand moments of pulling away as a result.

    I'm so glad he took control once again and started you back on the right track. What what I have read here, and from our communications this seems to be a good direction for you both.


    1. Oops, sorry about the hug :) lol

    2. Clearly we need to chat more if you are getting all crazy and HUGGING again! B waffles back and forth on how he feels about things that he has discovered. In truth he tends to make vague statements so I am not entirely sure what part of him he is referring too. Venus vs Mars I suppose! lol

      As for back on track..where is that track exactly? LOL. I'm kidding. Just a lot on our plate AGAIN, so we'll see. Can't always make us a priority and the plate tends to get filled when we try. Meh, the current of D/s still runs through our relationship, it is just that sometimes we need a JOLT from that current. LOL

      LOVE willie

  2. Hi Wilma!
    I love this post!
    So glad you have made your blog public! I first "met" you several years ago reading Her Mischief Managed, in those incredible comment trains. There was so much to learn there!
    We are in our fifth year of TTWD/ whatever it is. I relate to much of what you have written. We have come a long way and yet I still long for something deeper. I still sometimes feel that "hollow" feeling you mention, when it seems he is just doing this for me. That is just not satisfying. My husband has mentioned a few times in the last year or so that he wonders if he could be a sadist, and this has actually encouraged me! That will sound so weird to most people, I'm sure!
    For me, the greatest thing about our dynamic is that a part of my inner self has been awakened, a part which was hidden and held captive but now is being freed! I am a strong minded, strong willed, strong spirited woman in my 60's. What a shame if I had never experienced this other dimension of me, this emotional and sexual and mysterious and powerful part!
    Thank you for your very honest and open blog. It is appreciated and valued!
    Sincerely, Ava

  3. Well HELLO AVA!

    I do remember your name, though I must confess I don't remember the interactions. I do miss those long comment threads that went on for days on blogs :( . I love how we all processed together rather than in private- so feel free to stop by and comment away all you like here!

    The longing for something deeper is such a common theme in this dynamic if you are the one who brings it. Sometimes I know it has felt as the door has been open to explore this vast wilderness in front of us, but we are just standing on the porch taking in the view. Other days I feel like we have been thrust in the thick of the forest and can't see for looking! LOL Poor B can't win I suppose!

    If your husband ever wants to reach out and talk to B about anything ( I know men don't do that but sometimes knowing your thoughts are not horrible by another person in the same situation) feel free to give him B's email (barneywrubble@gmail.com).

    I can so relate to what you have said about yourself and how you discovered a part of you that was awakened. I think I have always suspected it existed, but formulated my personal opinion of myself based on what others 'saw' and said. This is the area where B struggles more. He formulated an opinion of himself in many areas and ttwd shone a light on some areas he didn't particularly like and then he discovered one area he really struggles with because he doesn't struggle with it like he things he should. LOL.

    I am the one who must thank you. I posted this and noticed the numbers going up but no comments until this morning ( of course I KNEW Roz would comment...LOVE ya Lady). I thought well good thing I'm not a numbers person, but I guess maybe I am not reaching anyone with this latest struggle- and personal revelation. I do primarily write for myself but let's admit it it could be embarrassing not getting any comments! LOL

    Hope to see you more Ava!


  4. Hi Willie,
    Love the post, love the reality you share. I have read this a couple of times because well you dive deep when you write and I have to read it twice. LOL. I can relate to some of this but not the "sadist" part.
    "To say I have been frustrated, heavy hearted and eventually pessimistic would be a great understatement. As many of you know, the deeper you go with ttwd the more challenging it CAN be if it seems to become diluted." For me this is so True, it is much more challenging at times than it was at the start.
    "Submission given to someone who is taking it because it is my need not their's to receive- basically they enjoy it but don't NEED it, is hollow for me on a personal level." I feel the same, I just don't think it would work for me if I felt that day in and day out, there are some days I certainly have felt that way. I am thinking of myself when comparing my thought or feelings of Barney's I would question myself so much on Why I feel the way I do, What is wrong with me? Etc. I am happy that he desires to grow to be his authentic self. Lee & I have came far from when we began, there are some things I would have never dreamed we would even well consider. Things he seems to enjoy much more than I do. I like that he enjoys some things I do not enjoy (I am sure that sounds silly) but when he decides this is what I want, this is what you/we are doing well it speaks volumes to me. It reminds me I wanted some Authority (I wish I could think of a better word). We continue to be on a roller coaster (me not being so submissive, him sometimes doubting how to handle something, or possibly the affection he loves to show me), but I have no intention of getting off just yet, I guess I really enjoy the ride with all the twists, turns, ups & downs. It is so much better than before even if at times I am unsure of where this is headed and does it end. I am Happy Barney has shown his "true" self to you and I am happy for you both that you continue to grow within your relationship. He should write a Blog, lol I know Pffft!

  5. Hey Lady!

    First let me apologize for taking so long to respond. As you know I had to make an unscheduled trip after a bit of hair raising worry around here, therefore I couldn't wrap my head around a proper response to you. Sorry I took so long, I know you don't often comment and I hated leaving you hanging.

    I am happy you are one of a very few who seemed to have LOVED this post! LOL. I get so frustrated that parts of ttwd is so much more challenging now than it was at the start. Everywhere you look people only seem to mention how FANTASTIC it is. Don't get me wrong there is no turning back, but damn, sometimes ttwd is pure hell on the emotions!! I miss the part of me that was so eager back then. I hope it returns soon.

    There are lots of things I never EVER would have thought would become part of our lives. Lots I didn't even know about. I wish in someways they'd just be solidified though as opposed to this push and pull type motion. I know it is all a learning and growing process, but man alive, let's get on with it....LOL.

    I know what you mean about the rollercoaster. I just wish that theses challenges would stay away a bit longer or the dips didn't seem a severe. Who knows, maybe I am misremembering the past. LOL.


  6. This was just so... real. And I am grateful that you shared it.

    I appreciated your use of the term diluted, when it comes to D/s... that is how I feel at times, but never quite had the right phrasing. As soon as I read this, it was like a bell went off in my head.

    I am glad that there was this step towards the future. It can be hard trying to find out who you are, and reconcile that!

  7. Hey Lea !

    Welcome back. Thanks so much for commenting - especially on this post. It seems to just be 'hanging' out there in the blogosphere LOL.

    Thanks for the encouragement through your kind words.