When you struggle do you feel like you could be kicked out of the club?
When you struggle do you feel you don't belong?
When you struggle do you feel you have no right?
When you struggle do you feel what once was, wasn't?
When you struggle where do you live? In the past? In the present or in the future? Where do you focus your energy?
When you struggle where do you turn? Do you turn toward or away? Inside or out?
When you struggle do you allow yourself to be okay with the struggle?
When you struggle do you understand it is an opportunity for growth?
When you struggle you do reflect or deflect?
When you struggle what do you look for? A reason or an excuse? A way out or a way to stay?
When you struggle do you allow this to be a future teaching moment in empathy toward others who struggle too?
When you struggle what do you need?
When you struggle do you voice what you need or take action to get what you need?
My observation has been that we ALL struggle in multiple aspects of our lives at various points. Ttwd is no exception, and the struggles that come with ttwd might appear to be only ttwd related but usually there is some underlying 'vanilla' reason for it showing up in our dynamics.
I was inspired to blog this week by someone. She was kind and generous with her words. She reminded me what was at the core of why I started blogging long ago. I miss that the majority of my friends ( but thankful not all ) are no longer visually active in blogland, because I think their voices could really be appreciated. They poured out their lives on their blogs and in the comment section of other blogs.They stuck to their stories of struggles and mini victories. But for many it was their time to move away from being seen here. And I respect their right. Doesn't mean I like it though.
So why blog today? Because ttwd can be very solitary at times. Especially in times when we struggle. We can turn to friends, blogs, chats, and hear that we all struggle, but when it gets right down to it, do we really feel like we are not unique in our struggle? We are all unique in our struggle. The only thing that isn't unique is that we all struggle. We might not all share our struggles, but trust me everyone struggles. Struggling is not a weakness. Struggling doesn't mean the advice you gave someone last week ( and perhaps the advice you can't seem to take yourself this week) isn't valid. It just shows you're human, with emotions, fears, insecurities, or even perhaps pride, arrogance, ignorance.
Living in, wanting, needing, hoping for, a power exchange dynamic often brings times of more questions than answers. Feelings of drowning in emotions. Feelings of who is this person and where did I go? How did I get here? Where did it go wrong? Am I wrong? Why am I afraid, we've been through so much already? Why am I struggling over this again? I thought I/we were past this? This isn't us, is it? I can't possibly like this? Can I? Who's needs matter more? Should I have needs? Are my needs too much? Are we compatible still?
You know, sometimes living this life just allows some of us to feel things that we wouldn't before. That we couldn't before. No doubt people out there don't need ttwd to realize these feelings. I for one am not one of those people. I knew those feelings existed ( or some ) I just didn't ALLOW them to be there. Sometimes when things get too hard, I still don't allow them.
Can I tell you what formula adds up to that point? The point that I won't allow those feelings to surface? It varies. One day it is this, the next day it is that. Not very helpful when it comes to the C word, 'COMMUNICATION". Communication, ah yes the answer to all our struggles, but let's be honest here, sometimes we don't know how to communicate to others because we are struggling to communicate to ourselves.
Yes, struggling happens in all walks of life. It only feels more brutal with ttwd. LOL. The best way I have found to deal with these struggles until they are no longer struggles is to share them. Voicing them takes a bit of the power from the struggle away. Sharing them often allows you to release some of the questions that aren't applicable to the current struggle, thus weighing it down less. It can clear the mind of unnecessary fog and then moving out of the struggle can sometimes seem not as daunting.
Ttwd often has us coming out again and again. First to voice a need, then to voice many other things- even when we are not sure what those things are. Sharing we struggle, sharing we aren't perfect just because we have been doing this or that for this or that amount of time should not make us feel shame. It should give us strength that we are continuing on our authentic journey.
So here goes nothing, I am Wilma Rubble and I Struggle. Some days more than others, some months more than others. My Dd D/s life isn't perfect. My husband/Dom isn't perfect. Sometimes he's a reason for my struggle, sometimes I am a reason for my struggle. Sometimes neither is. At times I am fearful, ashamed, hide behind self righteousness, hide behind anger. I get frustrated. I feel dismissed. I feel selfish. I feel lost. I feel unsubmissive...sometimes all of these things in the span of minutes. Does that mean I feel our relationship is a failure? Or our marriage is doomed or that we don't love each other, despite being furious? No . Does a spanking make it all better? In most situations not really. He may feel better, or it may clear some of the air, but until the struggle is rectified, it will continue. And struggles will continue because we are not stagnant people ( even though sometimes we both feel each other is ). As much as I wish our surroundings stayed 'status quo' they don't either. So we struggle. I struggle. I hate it! I'm ashamed of it. I'm frustrated by it, but you know what? I live. I have survived every single one of my worst days. So has our dynamic.