Saturday, November 9, 2019

Tell Me About: Resets

I've never actually participated in a 'prompt' that I didn't set out with through discovery of my own.  I am usually moved to write rather than prompted so we'll see how this goes. ( And as usual I am late to the party)

This prompt, and reading others posts concerning it, had me thinking about how resets have changed over the last 8 years.  Or more accurately how I now perceive what a reset looks like.  For those who are unfamiliar with us, we came to TTWD D/s via Dd.  In the beginning Barney would notice that my attitude of sweet little submissive wife started to slip.  My tone became more curt, my responses short.  As a result he would set up an R/a.  Those first couple of years I wouldn't say it fell under the Role Affirmation category, so the letters stood for Reconnection Appointment.  This was quite literally a long spanking.  Nothing more.  It would put a band-aid on the situation for about 7 or 8 days and then it was required again.

Looking back through experienced eyes the need for this R/a really was for Role Affirmation, with the exception being there was no real role on one side of the slash.  This is not a knock on my husband, D/s takes so much time to take root with many Dominants.  It has to grow, often through uncomfortable conversations. We were a perfect example of that.  There may have been a great deal of submission (no I was far from perfect but I had discovered this new part of me and was running with it with reckless abandon - AT FIRST), but the dominance to maintain or rather affirm my submission was really only felt during these physical resets.  To be fair, if you are living a Dd life and the submissive doesn't break the rules, there isn't much physical going on.  Therefore, not much visual dominance for the novice Dom is required.

As time progressed we evolved as a D/s couple, which really meant we realized that Barney needed to cultivate my submission.  For us this meant creating situations where I was to be overtly submissive beyond the set it and forget it of rules and expectations.  These situations grew my ability to feel unguarded and embrace my submission in positive and real light.  Basically he became more visually dominant and I believed my submission was important to him.  Resets changed from being reactionary on his part to proactive.  They also became more severe in nature, yet easier to take because my mindset wasn't as far gone.  Of course my mindset was different because this reset business was different and new as was his mindset toward cultivating.

When things are new and fresh, at least for me, it is like a reset without a finger being laid upon me.  He captures my mind and my heart follows.

When our dynamic doesn't feel like it is in the forefront for me, though it is always there in some form, I tend to distance.  Where once curt responses lay, silence and indifference can be found.  Though curt responses can and do appear when the topic of distancing is brought up.  Where we currently are in our dynamic, this is a red flag we have gone too long without D/s in a way that touches my submissive core.  There may be pockets of overt situations, but the continuity feels like it is lacking.  Basically bringing out my submission and then having no where to put it.

During these times Barney often says he has not " Set the Table"  for a reset to really work.  I say he's coming at an armoured truck with a Nerf bat.  This is of course referring to the physical reset.  Some times they still do work under these circumstances, especially if he is taking for himself rather than setting out to change my mindset exclusively.  More often than not now the reset has to begin before a beating takes place.  Usually some sort of endurance exercise, where I must submit to something over a long period of time, breaks down my defenses and I am in a better mindset to process the physical in a way that is beneficial to our dynamic.

But resets on a personal level do not even have to be physical anymore.  If Barney starts demanding things from me that he hasn't or hasn't for a while, my mind clicks over into a freer submissive mindset.  These ways probably work better in the short term because there is less 'risk' involved emotionally for me.  They capture my mind and allow me to feel my submission grow as opposed to it being dragged out of me.  Does this mean I no longer require physical resets?  Absolutely not. There is still some odd sort of process that happens through them that touches a part of me I never knew existed.  It does however mean that now in order for light to be shone in that area, he has to 'set the table' before hand.

I mentioned this as " resets on a personal level"  because for Barney it can be completely different.  We have discovered that the reset button here often looks very different for both of us.  Obviously this can cause a bit of conflict emotionally.  Questions arise in our minds, "If he is resetting me how is that dominant?"  "If he is only taking how can 'she' feel submissive." ?  There are areas despite hours of conversation that we have a difficult time understanding because we are situated on different sides of that famous slash.  He cannot fully grasp why him taking makes me feel submissive some days, and invisible others.  Truth be told nor can I beyond having to do with the connection feeling.  I cannot understand why some days he feels that if he resets me he is being submissive to me, rather than  cultivating our dynamic.

So all of this to say, I sometimes believe our resets have become far more complicated in nature as our dynamic has gone on.  Yet, I also know I can reset very quickly if given the right situation.  Such a paradox really.

Read Click here for more on this topic from other bloggers


Thursday, October 10, 2019

8 years in...and the TRUTH of it

 Ah, that's better, back to one blog again.

Last week marked 8 years since I opened this blog and a few days later 8 years since TTWD was brought into our life.  I am going to give you some facts concerning that, but not facts and figures on blog posts, visitors numbers or even things I have personally learned- the latter has been documented here and Lord knows on other's blogs over the years. I am going to give you some hard facts about TTWD in our experience.

It is HARD WORK.  There are tears and LOTS of them.  We didn't jump on the D/s wagon and skip off into the sunset.  Sometimes, especially in the beginning, it appeared that ttwd caused more angst then it did good.  At least percentage wise.  Until we realized, it wasn't Dd/s that was the root cause, it just brought out things (ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh so many things) that we never acknowledged before.

He's not enforcing the rules !
                                   Actual reason for her hurt- feeling like she has been overlooked, deep seated issues from years with and before her husband
                                   Actual reason for him not- Distracted by external pressures that he does not want to burden her with ( Dom vs husband issues).  Or doesn't feel he has the right because...(not my story to tell so I won't share his whys)

She's distancing herself from him
                             Her reason:  She is overwhelmed by the feeling that she is too much or her need is not his.  Insecure that she is not accepted- again issues from the past

                          His dilemma:  Did he do something wrong? He discovered through communication he's hurt her with action or inaction in the past throughout their marriage  .  While she is over some of the things brought up, he is not.   Paralysis by Analysis.

She's Snippy
   Her...HELL could be any reason.  Mostly insecurity at the start of ttwd.  Fear it was going away.  Fear it wasn't HIS thing.  Now could be external stress, or something he said that triggered her in a way he has no clue about, or maybe he does.  Emotions are always right on the surface now with ttwd, and learning to deal with them in an appropriate manner is a constant work in progress for her. Often her choices seem to be Distance or Snippy.  Neither are beneficial

He walks away during a conversation

Him:  He needs time.  Re his emotions, he is not used to feeling these deep feelings of anger at times because she disappointed him with her actions.  It was easier before because the expectation was not there.  Yet it is conflicting as they are so much closer why should he feel such anger at times.

Her : Why won't he stay and work this out RIGHT NOW?

Those are just some of the issues we have dealt with over the years and some we still slip into even to this day at times.
This wouldn't be a good  anniversary blog post if I didn't conjure up some  far reaching analogy.  Actually the analogy found me and I decided to write this post.  Otherwise I would have skipped another October announcing how many years I've been kicking around....LOL

We have a couple of jute rugs in our house.  The long runner that is in our front entrance started to unravel a while ago.  Both of us noticed the one end, and did a half ass patch job, tying willy- nilly so the vacuum wouldn't destroy the entire thing one day.  ( The smart kids in the class probably know where this analogy is going already lol).

A few weeks ago Barney tasked me with the job of actually FIXING the rug.He had rolled it up and put it in our room  with the damaged end exposed until we could examine the solution needed.

  I looked at it and unravelled a bit of it, then tried to retie, but it wasn't really working.  Next I decided that some of it actually had to 'go' before I could retie or fasten new ties.  I used the jute I had taken out of the runner to make new ties, instead of trying to loop around what was there like it had been done originally.

We have a close friend who fancies himself a bit of a rope expert. 

 I kid.  He's actually A MASTER, which is why I thought of him when I was fixing the rug.

  I teased him that I wished he was here that day because I needed his rope/knot tying skills ( I believe I actually said macrame skills.  While I respect his ability, I STILL have to annoy him *wink*).  While I was teasing, sort of, he of course became serious about our rug.  He asked me what I had done.  He seemed moderately satisfied, but then offered some suggestions to improve what I had done if I found it wasn't working in the long run.  Good grief, how I didn't see this  conversation as pretty much the dynamic of our ACTUAL friendship at the time-( I tell him what I've done, he seems to think maybe something better will work next time..LOL). I'll never know.  Anyway.  I tucked away his information, knowing damn well I had to do it or I'd be annoyed at myself later because knowing him he was probably right, and that in and of itself is a different kind of annoying. LOL

I replaced the rug earlier this week.  I put the damaged end nearest the door where guests couldn't see it.  They would merely be walking over it to enter the house, but when sitting in the dining room the good end would be showing.  Today I decided to take his advice and retie the pristine ends before they ended up like the hidden end.  As I was tying the ends with fishing line, as apparently jute being a natural fibre stretches and loses it's shape over time, I thought of how this really is an analogy for our lives.

When we take time to secure the things we know are looking good, it solidifies them.  But really we need to take a closer look at the good things to make sure they are as good as we believe them to be.  By the way the pristine end of the rug,was about to give way in a few places.  Barney and I didn't necessarily do that during the first 15 years of our marriage.  One can blame the busyness of getting by with 3 small boys, and that was indeed a factor in our case,but it shouldn't have been an excuse.  It didn't occur to us that while things appeared appealing, we were stretching and giving way. silently.  We ended up like the messy end of our jute runner.

Initially before I asked B for ttwd, we tried other things to strengthen our bond.  Much like when we both half- assed tied the runner,we used what we had but we didn't even go so far as to unravel part of it so we had more to work with even if it appeared we were losing something to do so.

When we started what is referred to as Dd, it improved.  Many things were unravelled and we had more to work with because of it.  It wasn't perfect though.  Our timing with individual growth, our individualized experiences, and well demons didn't always coincide with the other. We were unable to fix a 'rug'  so that wouldn't unravel if run over with the vacuum ( life and all it's annoyances at times).  If left unchallenged the rug was fine enough.  Sadly for many of us, life doesn't work that way.

And back to the friend(s).  Sometimes without even knowing it we find our way to people or they find their to us.  Perhaps a blog post, a chatroom, a suggestion that they don't even know stuck with you, creates an epiphany or a direction to go. A jumping off point.  A different way to look at things - whatever.  Steve tells me some day I may want to tie a fishing line around our ends and to keep an eye on the other rug too because of the jute's organic nature.  Today I did that.  I feel much better about both ends because I took his advice ( no doubt he'll be floored- pardon the pun..lmao)

The messy end will always look messy to us.  That cannot be changed.  It isn't bothersome.  It isn't going to unravel further because it has been fixed, but the fact remains, that it wasn't taken care of in a way it should have been from the start to prevent that.  Nothing we do now is going to change history.  Do I wish we knew then what we know now?  Absolutely.  Still doesn't change the rug though.  We learned what can happen by seeing and experience, and the only thing we can do is protect the good things, and the things that are different but not unravelling anymore.

I have another small carpet that has to be on top of the jute rug anyway, as it is right at the door.  It is only a temporary natural fibre rug.  It gets replaced when needed.  The less than pretty end is buried under there.  Not in shame, but because of where it is located and it offers an added layer of protection- this other carpet. Why not put the more sensitive portion of the rug there?  Much like our history together,we have very sensitive issues from our lives before ttwd, some that ttwd shone a huge spotlight on.  We have mended those areas ( for the most part) but they still need to be protected because  the strength that  we thought was once there wasn't and  has been repaired. We want to keep that area closely guarded.

That messy end is no secret in most dynamics.  Sure maybe for some it didn't have to unravel ( we didn't until we started Dd) but someone stretched, or grew or discovered or ttwd wouldn't be a thing they did. I'm not ashamed of our messy end- I am just sorry it happened when it could have been prevented perhaps.

We have to keep a close eye on the repairs and the reinforced newer areas. It IS organic and there are two sides to it.  Things are going to stretch, and get out of shape.  The key is to keep on top of it as best we can and tighten up things before they become a problem due to lack of attention.  That is what the messy end is.  A reminder

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

When You Struggle

When you struggle do you feel like you could be kicked out of the club?

When you struggle do you feel you don't belong?

When you struggle do you feel you have no right?

When you struggle do you feel what once was, wasn't?

When you struggle where do you live? In the past? In the present or in the future? Where do you focus your energy?

When you struggle where do you turn?  Do you turn toward or away?  Inside or out?

When you struggle do you allow yourself to be okay with the struggle?

When you struggle do you understand it is an opportunity for growth?

When you struggle you do reflect or deflect?

When you struggle what do you look for?  A reason or an excuse?  A way out or a way to stay?

When you struggle do you allow this to be a future teaching moment in empathy toward others who struggle too?

When you struggle what do you need?

When you struggle do you voice what you need or take action to get what you need?

My observation has been that we ALL struggle in multiple aspects of our lives at various points.  Ttwd is no exception, and the struggles that come with ttwd might appear to be only ttwd related but usually there is some underlying 'vanilla' reason for it showing up in our dynamics.

I was inspired to blog this week by someone.  She was kind and generous with her words.  She reminded me what was at the core of why I started blogging long ago.  I miss that the majority of my friends ( but thankful not all ) are no longer visually active in blogland, because I think their voices could really be appreciated.  They poured out their lives on their blogs and in the comment section of other blogs.They stuck to their stories of struggles and mini victories.   But for many it was their time to move away from being seen here.  And I respect their right.  Doesn't mean I like it though.

 So why blog today? Because ttwd can be very solitary at times.  Especially in times when we struggle.  We can turn to friends, blogs, chats, and hear that we all struggle, but when it gets right down to it, do we really feel like we are not unique in our struggle?  We are all unique in our struggle.  The only thing that isn't unique is that we all struggle. We might not all share our struggles, but trust me everyone struggles.  Struggling is not a weakness.  Struggling doesn't mean the advice you gave someone last week ( and perhaps the advice you can't seem to take yourself this week) isn't valid.  It just shows you're human, with emotions, fears, insecurities, or even perhaps pride, arrogance, ignorance.

Living in, wanting, needing, hoping for, a power exchange dynamic often brings times of more questions than answers.  Feelings of drowning in emotions.  Feelings of who is this person and where did I go?  How did I get here?  Where did it go wrong?  Am I wrong?  Why am I afraid, we've been through so much already?  Why am I struggling over this again?  I thought I/we were past this?  This isn't us, is it? I can't possibly like this? Can I?  Who's needs matter more?  Should I have needs? Are my needs too much?  Are we compatible still?

 You know, sometimes living this life just allows some of us to feel things that we wouldn't before.  That we couldn't before. No doubt people out there don't need ttwd to realize these feelings.  I for one am not one of those people.  I knew those feelings existed ( or some ) I just didn't ALLOW them to be there.  Sometimes when things get too hard, I still don't allow them.

Can I tell you what formula adds up to that point?  The point that I won't allow those feelings to surface? It varies.  One day it is this, the next day it is that.  Not very helpful when it comes to the C word, 'COMMUNICATION".  Communication, ah yes the answer to all our struggles, but let's be honest here, sometimes we don't know how to communicate to others because we are struggling to communicate to ourselves.

Yes, struggling happens in all walks of life.  It only feels more brutal with ttwd.  LOL.   The best way I have found to deal with these struggles until they are no longer struggles is to share them.  Voicing them takes a bit of the power from the struggle away.  Sharing them often allows you to release some of the questions that aren't applicable to the current struggle, thus weighing it down less.  It can clear the mind of unnecessary fog and then moving out of the struggle can sometimes seem not as daunting.

Ttwd often has us coming out again and again.  First to voice a need, then to voice many other things- even when we are not sure what those things are.  Sharing we struggle, sharing we aren't perfect just because we have been doing this or that for this or that amount of time should not make us feel shame.  It should give us strength that we are continuing on our authentic journey.

So here goes nothing, I am Wilma Rubble and I Struggle.  Some days more than others, some months more than others.  My Dd D/s life isn't perfect.  My husband/Dom isn't perfect.  Sometimes he's a reason for my struggle, sometimes I am a reason for my struggle.  Sometimes neither is.  At times I am fearful, ashamed, hide behind self righteousness, hide behind anger.  I get frustrated.  I feel dismissed.  I feel selfish.  I feel lost.  I feel unsubmissive...sometimes all of these things in the span of minutes.  Does that mean I feel our relationship is a failure?  Or our marriage is doomed or that we don't love each other, despite being furious?  No . Does a spanking make it all better?  In most situations not really.  He may feel better, or it may clear some of the air, but until the struggle is rectified, it will continue.  And struggles will continue because we are not stagnant people ( even though sometimes we both feel each other is ).   As much as I wish our surroundings stayed 'status quo' they don't either.  So we struggle.  I struggle. I hate it! I'm ashamed of it.  I'm frustrated by it, but you know what?  I live. I have survived every single one of my worst days.  So has our dynamic. 

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

He's Baaaack

I sure hope this post is not the kiss of death for the poor man, I apparently have that ability.  Anyway, for those who want to discover new (old) blogs, here is one for you.  Bob and Bobbie have been married for over 40 years and Bob is a big old spanko. A little background-  After years of trying he lured poor Bobbie to 'the dark side' and also Dd. LOL.  They have been practicing their ways for over 12 years and are also very active in the ADDS chat room.  So if you'd like to join up with them and their experiences please stop by and say hello, or hello again!  ( Bob blogged for years and mysteriously stopped 3 years ago).

Bob's Blog Thoughts on TTTWD

Friday, August 2, 2019

Submissive Spirit Brought By Obedient Action?

I sent this prompt out in the middle of June to a few friends of mine-and Amy, Penelope took up my challenge.Then, as a result  of  Amy's post, Ella - and never published my own.  I initially discovered this quote months ago and have had it rolling around in my head for a long time.  I have written this post several times in my head, on paper and even in blogger, yet it never came to express what I wanted to.

It always amazing me, yet it really shouldn't, how people tend to get their defenses up when it comes to certain words- in this case I am thinking of obey or obedience.  I say it shouldn't surprise me as 8 years ago the word 'sub' rubbed me the wrong way.  As we evolved in our dynamic ( evolved in reference to B and myself- I do not mean to imply that those who started out in Dd and don't identify with the Dom/sub dynamic have not evolved) I began to have a greater understanding how using the word 'sub' did not have negative connotations.  As a friend of mine recently said to me, words DO matter and they ARE important.  The words we choice have a universal meaning, if I balk at certain word, I now tend to examine the deeper meaning as to why I do so.

Obedience or obey is not something I have ever balked at.  The definition is clear and at no point in the definition does it say it is prerequisite to be mindless to obey or be obedient in nature. I have always been obedient for the most part.  I am not a rule breaker. Well, not in any great way.  I do drive over the speed limit at times- marginally.  I did drink before I was of age.  But as a whole, I have always followed rules.  The one exception would really be 'conventional norms' or rules of society.  But let's face it those are grey areas- left up to interpretation.

Which brings me to submission and obedience and how I interpret the difference or their symbiotic relationship within our D/s dynamic.   When I brought Dd to Barney, I had it in my mind that he would set those rules and I would obey them- or face physical consequences.  I can't honestly say I am a spanko, but the idea of his authority over me did and does have a great, positive effect. Well, it didn't really turn out that way in the beginning.  And as frustrating as that was at the time, I am now so grateful it didn't.

While B was trying to figure out this entire Dd- D/s thing, I figured out myself ( sort of, let's be honest that will always be an ongoing process).  I learned what it meant to submit without being obedient.  Not that I wasn't obedient, but there was not a great deal of things I was required to obey for the first few years.  He would imply things he prefered and I would 'jump' on the opportunity to submit to it.  If I did not there would be no consequence- other than my disappointment in passing it by.  During that time however, I rarely did miss the opportunity.

I would be out and out lying if I told you I wasn't disappointed that the obey or else aspect was lacking in our dynamic.  Or at least the tone of that.  Let's face it there is an erotic vibe that comes from knowing deep down that there will be a consequence to our action or in action - if you are a submissive wife by choice that is.  At least in theory - the reality can be quite different when it is time to 'pay'.

The required obedience in our case is where the power exchange comes into play.  To me it is that very exchange that has the erotic charge.  Knowing I will be held accountable for his rules, and expectations is what brings me to him.  The observation and maintaining of my obedience by B is key to my submission.  For me it brings authenticity to our dynamic.  It is what sets our dynamic a part from play.  It allows me the freedom to know that my submission is paramount to B.  It proves to me that B wants me to be submissive and in turn wants me to be ME.

My submission is second nature to me.  In fact for the most part I talk myself OUT of being submissive when I feel we are 'off' ( yeah, I know makes absolutely NO sense).  When I feel my obedience to his rules and expectations are expected but he is not willing to fortify that thought through action, I tend to close up.  I tend to let my submissive heartset be gagged.  I tell myself, ' it doesn't matter'.  Yet it does.  If not to B at the time, to me.

When I chose to not be submissive, anticipate his needs and act upon my instincts I create my own barrier between us.  I shut down my authentic self, often telling myself it is safer to do so. When I do  we return to parallel lives.  I continue to obey what I should but I do not allow that to permeate my inner core and this does not allow me to live my life to the fullest.  By not living my life to the fullest in this aspect we cannot connect the way we should.

Obedience to me is an outward action- much like the quote states.  I can go through the motions and to the naked eye all is well in our dynamic.  To the experienced eye, the heart, it is hollow.  Sure things do get done, words are respectful but the deep connection to self and each other tends to be lacking.  Often it takes B a while to pick up on this.  Another cannot always see what is in your heart.  And to me that is the difference between submission and obedience, submission is from the heart.  I can be told to clean the toilet (lame example) and obey, or I can be told and submit.  The action is not important.  I could be told to service my husband and obey - detached, holding a part of me back, unwilling to feel what I know is there- or I could submit and give to him heart and soul while 'servicing'.  The act regardless of what it is, becomes pleasurable to the heart because it is an opportunity to submit and exchange power by doing so, as opposed to just going through the motions.  The act becomes about what HE wants and fulfilling that as opposed to truly being about me, which in all honesty ends up fulfilling me because of that fact.

Confusing isn't it? LOL.  For me his required obedience now maintains a level of my submission that is at its core most basic and perhaps primal.  It isn't what drives me forward, I do that.  I own  my submission.  It does however help cultivate my submission.  His required obedience of me proves to me that ttwd and the exchange of power within it is important.  From there I can be free to bask and grow in my submission, knowing it is accepted by him and therefore removing all fear and barriers I create in my head/heart to be me.

"As an individual submits to authority or power, there exists a particular bond between the one who submits and the one in power. This brings to focus that submission comes from within unlike obedience"

 I have discovered, our relationship works best when my obedience and submission are working together.  It works best when it is symbiotic.  When they don't, well the obedience is generally key to get me back to where I need to be.  There is a lot to be said for going through the motions (at times) until I am back on track.  As for B, I have observed, when we are not on track my submission is required not long after my obedience to get him where he needs to be.  He is no longer 'the untrained' eye, and obedience can only get him so far without him feeling my heart is in it too.

On a more personal, potentially self involved level,  I have felt most free, when my submission is strongest regardless of  demanded obedience- this happened about 3 or 4 years into our dynamic.  Once B started to demand more of me ( yet didn't always follow through if I messed up) , my submission took off in ways I didn't believe it could.  Or perhaps to the outside world in ways they always saw, but it meant so much more to me internally.

So all this blah, blah, blah to really say:  To me, the difference  between obeying and submitting within the context of our dynamic is -

*and then some

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

He's Been Suppressing and We've Be Struggling- Who suspected this?

Let's see where this takes 'us' shall we?  I haven't written about any physical type stuff on our blog, since I don't know when. I am not uber private, so it isn't a case of keeping it just between us, I just don't find a lot of value for myself personally sharing that.  I enjoy being part of blog land but my main purpose of my blog is to process and share- mostly difficult stuff because ttwd isn't easy.

This is a tad different.  I realize there are very few out there ( hi Roz ) who have been reading here every step of the way, so many don't know where we started out.  A hopefully  quick recap:

  • I brought Dd to Barney in the fall of 2012 for the purpose of connection in our marriage after trying several other things- I didn't think I was submissive (didn't even like the term)
  • Over time I began to flourish in this dynamic which was more D/s than it was strictly Dd (not going into our views on the difference but it really didn't include the sexual aspect many associate with D/s alone)
  • Barney quickly got over the feelings of 'not harming his wife' when it came to what he called Reconnection Appointments, but it took him a LONG time to get to the punishment aspect- though he got there.
  • Inconsistency still ran rampant  for a long time and still does in times of stress
  • Spankings were not the only punishments that began to happen.  Things I thought I'd never do became part of us- and often far more effective for my state of mind.
  • We switched over to a more organized D/s several years ago and while it has been amazing for me, B began to struggle more.  By organized I mean he started to help cultivate my submission as opposed to the scales being heavier on the reactionary idea of Dd.  Preemptive if you will
  • Barney began to struggle with these new found emotions he had (yes he's always been sweet). He didn't realize he could become so angry with me when I stepped out of my submissive state. So he withdrew- until we had the conversation, or several of them that being angry is okay to punish....even beneficial ( as backed up by many of my subbie friends and a 'larger than life' Dom we know) See The Anger Myth post.
  • Last year B seemed different again.  After much conversation- which is still ongoing as far as acceptance goes for him, not for me, he admitted ( he still waffles on this ) that he ENJOYS hurting me- in a controlled environment.  Not in a fit of rage.  Not running his fingers over my butt after the fact..but like pain for no purpose other than he can.  There actually IS a purpose for me in that I am serving a purpose but that is again another post
  • NO one who knows B would ever suspect there is a different side to him.  Heck if you read back in this blog you'd never see that coming.
  • This is something he continually struggles with- more so than any idea he ever had that spanking was a bad thing.
  • Am I worried he is going to evolve into some UBER Sadist? the speed B moves we'll be too old for that to ever happen.
  • I came to the realization long ago who I was and became comfortable with it, ( still learning but the foundation is there) B is still working on that, which causes issues more often than not...
Okay so on with the show.

We have been off more than on for the last ....forever. LOL.  Our D/s was still in tact just more watered down than was required - or the required level was only in spits and spurts and not showing the amount of outward success needed to add momentum because of it. 

To say I have been frustrated, heavy hearted and eventually pessimistic would be a great understatement. As many of you know, the deeper you go with ttwd the more challenging it CAN be if it seems to become diluted.  I'd wake every morning hoping that my dynamic ( I really want to type husband here because to me some aspects of him were missing) would return.  The dynamic was actually still there but the vibe was very low. I suspected the worst again- like this wasn't IN him.  He was doing this all for me.  I had no idea what was to come in the near future.

Over the past few months we have had countless conversations that I left feeling really hopeful.  Our communication, though often rough at the start (UNDERSTATEMENT) seemed to provide the breakthrough needed to set the tone back to where it was- in a growing state.  But inevitably we'd falter.  Sometimes harder than before (okay that was me).  To be honest I don't even recall what had been said the day before this one, but something seemed to change ever so slightly in B.

I had been talking to a friend of ours who had offered some suggestions, all of which made complete sense, that I suggest to B.  I decided against it.  Not primarily because I don't like guiding B anymore at this stage of the game ( for various reasons ) because I have still offered reminders of what he used to do and how it worked when ASKED, but because B seemed just a little bit different and I didn't want to 'muddy' the waters.

B has been known to get up in the early morning (not easy for him) not say a word other than, " Come here and put your hands on the stool" lift or drop whatever I am wearing and lay into me for a brief but energetic moment.  Honestly those moments have a great way of setting the tone for the day- provided the rest is there.  This particular morning he came downstairs and was all chipper and bubbly.  NOT that I don't like my husband this way, but it was a little off putting based on recent history.  I began to worry that I had been mistaken about how he seemed different the night before, but I bit my tongue and bide my time- I'm fairly certain he's going to have a different take on how 'well' I did at that!

After our youngest left for school he had me go up into our room and 'assume the kneeling position'.  This position has very specific specifications, one of which has my arms outstretched.  I feel like I should be flying around the room in airplane mode, until they start to shake that is. It is however the first step to breaking down my defences often- if done for a prolonged period of time.

Upon entering the room,

" Put your arms down, tilt your head back keeping your eyes closed"
........I said nothing

He covered my eyes and instructed me to kneel on our loveseat ( we still had a 'kid' asleep in the house so one has to make due with a less than stellar area sometimes).  He bound my ankles with cuffs, so I technically could bring them up if I wanted. LOL.  I was instructed to put my forearms on the bed behind the love seat. It was at this time that he wrapped and eventually tied my wrists with a cotton rope (not that I knew that at the time).  Not long after he inserted the altered bit gag into my mouth ( I have an overbite- NOT BUCK TEETH) so ball gags are not going to happen here.  This is a soft bit gag that most of the stuffing has been removed and then resealed.  I could still move it if I needed but didn't bother him with that detail.  I was then told to get back up into a kneel as he moved my hair aside. 

 CRAP, he's going to use my back! For those who don't know several years ago I managed to injure my back and hip.  It was a very long recovery for me.  To this day I am still very afraid of having my back struck as well as the beefy part above my right hip.  Okay terrified LOL.  

He began with the silicone flogger ( at least he was warming me up).  This isn't a painful flogger really, but it is annoying as H*LL.  It stings especially when it lands on the outer hip or the front of the thighs. On my upper back it tends to feel more thuddy.  He criss crossed my back a bit, talking to me as he did. ** This can be an area that can make or break the atmosphere for me.  If B starts talking about how he has failed us and knows what he needs to do in the future, my armour goes up.  I don't mind having those discussions just not in THIS arena.  Thankfully this day he chose a different tatic

He went on to tell me today he was taking.  This wasn't about me.  This was all about him.  He has missed this part of him.  He said he believed that is what has been holding him back, that he was denying part of himself and it has effected our dynamic.

The next thing I felt was a searing pain across my lower back.  I knew what it was internally groaned, and outwardly hissed.  Laugh away, but it was a 24 inch glow stick.  That sucker stings more than a cane, for me I realize we all process pain differently.  It has been a long while since he has 'taken' so I was very much out of practice, in addition to losing weight.  Over and over again he marked my back.  This glow stick doesn't leave a deep lingering pain, but it does leave stings and marks.  I am sure if he applied it with more force ( which he did below my hips) I would feel it.  But he knows I am fearful still of my back, and he still gets his reaction, and marks without having to go too deep.  

It's an odd feeling knowing you aren't really getting hurt, in comparison to other times in the past especially, and yet still accepting the pain you are receiving.  Each time I hissed through the gag, yet I felt silly as I knew it could be way worse.  Eventually as I said, he moved to below my waist.  These blows came much harder as it is the beefy area, and very used to 'abuse' LOL.  Thankfully he left the majority of my legs alone.  No need to explain the 'X' marks the spot on a calf in short season.

Before we started he told me if ever I became afraid to just shake my head.  I heard him rummaging through his drawer.  Suddenly I felt and heard a shock.  I screamed through the gag.  He paused and asked me if I was okay.  I pushed the gag aside and mumbled it wasn't so bad, it was the sound that startled me.  He tested his new toy over and over again.  Each time I jumped.  The initial hit didn't hurt but it did send a lingering uncomfortable sensation.  Oh also smelled a bit of burning hair.  LOL.  At one point he went to an area I became fearful of (not sexual) and shook my head frantically.  He calmly assured me it was okay, and thanked me for expressing that moving on to other areas.

I believe he returned to his buddy the glow stick not long after that.  More in his comfort zone I suppose.  He continued to tell me how he needed this.  How he needed to embrace this side of him and not suppress it.  He realized that by suppressing this part of himself it was creating a distance between us ( OH boy can I relate to that one).  All in all this time together wasn't actually that challenging for me.  Baby steps back I suppose.  But I knew it was very important.  My mind didn't slip into subbie mode like it had in the past at least not to the depths it used to ( again baby steps for me too).

He released my ankles, took off my blindfold, ungagged me and kissed me ( confession all I could think was why would you want to kiss my wet, drool soaked face?).  Eventually he took the rope off of my wrists where I noticed a pretty little pattern woven around them.  After he helped me stand, he told me to hug him and he spoke some more of his need.  He took my hand and placed it on his jeans to 'show' me that my submission does this to him.  I was instructed to go into the bathroom and clean up.

I was a tad confused as to why that was it.  I mean if  THIS did THAT to him, why did he stop there? I now believe it was because he wanted the pain exchange to be the primary focus not the release.  I examined myself in the mirror.  To my surprise some of the marks seemed angry- my surprise because I felt this session was much lighter than the past.  I still carry some of these marks.  Most are perfect double lines.  One has a bit of bruising.

I check out the progress of these marks several times a day.  They don't hurt.  I am not stiff as I usually am after, but they linger.  Do I feel a sense of pride in submitting? In part, but again it wasn't as challenging as it has been in the past.  I do feel more pride in B when I see these marks.  For the time being anyway he has taken a step toward what he believes is what he needs.  He is once again embracing HIS NEED versus mine.  And honestly that is all I have ever wanted.  For him to run the show whatever that looks like.  For him to be authentically him.  I know it must be difficult as he didn't bring Dd to us so his growth was almost more forced out of him and publicly rather than mine which started prior to Dd.  He didn't realize he had different aspects of himself that he now knows about ( I can relate) and he has a difficult time rectifying that part when life, insecurities, stress comes knocking at our door.  He doesn't have the free time to examine and dissect that I do/did during my growing periods.

He hasn't asked about my marks.  Once a long time ago I asked him why he doesn't ask about marks he places when he takes.  He said, he can still see them in his head.  Odd, but a similar answer that a friend once gave so who am I to question?

It hasn't been that long since this day, but the most important thing is the vibe seems to have changed in the right direction again.  We still have work to do, and I am fearful of the next week due to 'life', but I am trying my best to just believe.

Some might not see the connection to Dd, D/s and view this post as some sort of BDSM 'thing', but to me it isn't.  Our dynamic is based on a form of power exchange ( unfortunately often a teeter todder and the power doesn't always lie where it needs to - B laughs when he hears I believe I have the power...I laugh when he thinks I don't LOL).  For me this dynamic was never about not having to 'do everything' at home, or be relieved of burdens.  It was never about accountability ( outside of destructive behaviour toward our relationship- like shutting down).  It was never about breaking me of habits, not that I am perfect by any means.  Long ago I wanted a deeper connection between us, and long ago I discovered in order for that to happen I needed to lay down my armour and let myself be me.  This dynamic does that.  He being in control, authentically not following my lead to lead,  creates an environment where I can just be me.  Often it causes issues too...still learning to navigate those emotional waters.  There is an immense freedom associated with B taking what he wants to fulfill a growing need in himself.  I provided a  physical service which technically only I can provide, but more than that  I helped him step back into his current authenticity. Without feeling like he is living his authentic self, I feel like our dynamic is a fraud.  I feel that my needs aren't being met because part of my need is this comes from deep in him.  Submission given to someone who is taking it because it is my need not their's to recieve- basically they enjoy it but don't NEED it, is hollow for me on a personal level.  Please don't misunderstand, I do think we lived like this for a very long time while things adjusted here.  Once the sift started to happen, my growth in submission grew and that is how I became to embrace my authentic self.  

  Where this leads I have no clue and I'm sure he doesn't either.  What it has done already,  is removed a great majority of the armour that was starting to build- in both of us.

Monday, April 29, 2019

New Venture With abby: At the Heart of It- This week- Self Validation

Life is funny you know?  People, things, circumstances, even thoughts have a way of finding you in the most unlikely way - sometimes the timing is actually good too! Take abby and my joint writing venture :

We decided that we'd like to take a stab at writing about the same subject to discover things about ourselves. either where we struggle or how we have grown and perhaps why.  The idea of At The Heart of It originated because often we think we are going to talk about one thing and end up discovering what the heart of it really is to us while digging deeper.   I doubt we will be doing a weekly prompt type idea- we want to find the right question for us and give it the attention it requires. Who are we kidding we are wordy writers, once and a while will be enough for all involved- writers AND readers!

So without further adieu today's subject: Self Validation/ Love of Self ( Didn't want to get you all excited thinking about Self Love *wink*).

The Affects of Self Validation On Our Dynamic

Our son is becoming an amazing artist, but that is not his gift.  He has been gifted with determination. When he first stepped foot on the path he is walking, he faced some very harsh news regarding his first portfolio attempt. Whether it was his passion, his determination or both, he picked himself up, reexamined his work,  where he was placing his focus and set to make it right, despite his critic's suggestions he take another route. He didn't get accepted into his first choice college, which ended up to be a Godsend as his second choice was more suited to his style and area of talent strength in the long run. He was still over the moon to be living what he loved.

I can draw, but I never developed my talent like he did. I tell others that 'back then, it wasn't as encouraged', but the truth of it is, I didn't believe in myself as he does himself. He isn't arrogant, selfish or delusional- he's driven and confident in his future abilities even if they are buried at the moment.

I often joke that we have no idea where that comes from.  Although if I examine his drive in comparison to how I am with in our dynamic, I know precisely where he got it from. Once I discovered who I really was, my passion/obsession, and determination became focused on maintaining that woman. Unfortunately over time, maintaining turned to protecting, which ultimately changed to questioning   Being a submissive does involve a lot of interpersonal development, but it also requires exchange at times with the same intensity on the opposite side of 'the slash'. ( Perhaps a post topic for another time)

Self validation is an interesting phrase to me. Others may prefer " acceptance of self " or " love of self" and while I have read those and similar phrases over the years, self validation struck a cord in me. Perhaps it was timing or the source. I began to read about external and internal validation with great interest. External validation concerning my submission is actually not difficult to come by- It is wonderful to be seen by friends isn't it?

But what about those times when you are alone? Those times your friends are not available. Those times when your significant other is busy, distracted, on a different D/s plain or God forbid, STRUGGLING?  This would be the time self validation should be there to draw on.

Once upon a time I was able to turn to myself and my acceptance of my inner voice. Life might not have been great around me, but my part in my life, in my skin was.  Looking back I wonder how much of that self validation was initiated from within or whether it was more based on external sources. Does it even matter some may wonder?

In my case I think it does.  For if I was so as well equipped in self validation back then I as I thought I was, where has that perspective gone?

So what exactly does this have to do with our dynamic? I am coming to believe that perhaps I confused approval with acceptance.  I gained approval of self by B agreeing to ttwd. This lead the way for me to feel accepted and thus accepting myself. But perhaps. while a necessary step to growth, I stopped too short and have yet to determine the depth required to own my self validation, guilt free.

If I return back to the thinking about our son, nothing these people in the business told him (negatively) deterred him.  He held true to his dream regardless.  His determination is commendable but his ability to see himself and draw from that is nothing short of miraculous, especially given his young age.  Yes he turns to us at times when he is struggling, to hear what he already knows. He takes our hand to help him back to the path he has constructed mostly on his own.

And what of his mother? She currently is not as brave. Digging deep seems to not do much more than churn up waters, clouding my judgment concerning myself. I tend to see myself no problem,  when I am alone. However the minute I am with B now I blow out that beacon of light.

My Submissive Heartset tends to be shrouded in things that have been said, doubt, comparison, what ifs, if onlys...The issue should not be that I have experienced negativity or perceived it at times. The issue then becomes " accept yourself" . Stop looking at others to fill that void.  Fill the void yourself and use that area to stand up and shout, " This is Me! I am not perfect, I don't love all aspects of me, but I DO love me!".

Instead I close up. I project that I am no longer vulnerable.  I can do without this. It isn't important. You didn't hurt me. I don't feel rejected for me. ( The interesting notion is that closing up or shutting down is not being vulnerable. When in reality is merely a 'bid' for someone to notice the internal shift with an external clue).  Mentally I degrade my submission, my need. I tell myself that my past reality might not have been truths and that current realities are the truth that has always been.

I was reading  the other day how often when we fail to self validate we punish ourselves. When "we reject.. ourselves in this way, we exacerbate our feelings, because we then feel bad about two things: the original incident and the pain we’re causing ourselves." Lori Deschenel. I am familiar with this. I discovered what is currently "At the Heart of It" is I am creating a force field and pushing B away in the hopes of  not feeling too deeply - thus creating exactly what I don't want. I am also not being true to myself and that makes me fearful, miserable and not able to self validate because I am outwardly projecting the complete opposite of who I truly am at times.

If B was in a rut before, ( he's still here let's just say we are on different D/s plains at the moment), I have placed my foot on the gas to make sure those wheels are spinning at high speed digging us deeper.

 I used to be able to shake it off more easily. ' He will come around. I know who I am- regardless of what he does.'  I still know who I am..I just seem to have a more difficult time allowing her out.  And if I am too afraid to see her, how is he ever going to? I have realized how I project myself in our dynamic is directly affected by my ability to self validate. Without that anchor of deep self acceptance from within, the D/s foundation I build with B is shaky at best.

I should probably take time to say that this isn't meant to be a 'woe is willie' post or even an advice seeking one. LOL.  I just wanted to get to the heart of the matter as to why perhaps I am not feeling my submission as deeply as I once was, and how my perception of self can get in the way. Don't you worry,  I'll get my sh*t together soon enough *wink*

I could go on to explain ways to self validate, but there is tons on that via the web ( try tinybuddha.com

As an aside- I found this and it really spoke to me so I thought I'd share :

" As we go through personal developmental changes, our intimacy need is also changed from a sheer need for protection and approval to the need for being fully understood and connected emotionally and spiritually. When the people very close to us fail to meet such a higher need, we experience the lack of spiritual self-validation. Sometimes we exaggerate minor incidents through selective perception and self-critical reasoning into crisis situations, and fail to value our self-worth and competence.

Various psychological processes take place when we are in these situations. We feel denied access to the right to be and the right to feel at such moments. We feel as if a part in us is slowly dying in pain. We start doubting our self-worth, and losing confidence and self-respect. Our self-identity gets shaken, and we become unsure of who we are and what we are. We lose sight of the meaning of life and become hopeless and directionless. "(Trumpeter (1993)
ISSN: 0832-6193
On Self-Validation
F. Ishu Ishiyama
University of British Columbia)

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

What is Pain to you? (Another submissive writing exercise)

Barney gave me another writing assignment as a reflective, submissive exercise. I have to admit this was initially a bit of a challenge. I stared at the question for quite sometime trying to figure out exactly what he might be looking for. Before he left for work he said something about very loose perimeters as far as this assignment went, and I took it to heart and ran with whatever came to mind.

* I have to admit it was a difficult decision to share this post. Not so much because of the content but because of the discussions  we had after B read it. Barney started our conversation with, " It is not what I expected but it is still good"- or something like that. Well I lost it. Not yelling and screaming lost it. I closed up. Then he lost it. As I stated, when initially giving me this assignment he told me I had very loose perimeters with the subject matter. By commenting that it wasn't what he was expecting I felt initially robbed of that.  But there was more to it.  It took a while before we came to that understanding.  

After calming down B returned and apologized to me.  He put into words what I was really feeling before I could ( I was still upset over the 'loose perimeters' that weren't in my mind). He basically said, " I know your goal is to always please me and I have to be more attentive to that when I talk to you.  I am not disappointed in what you wrote.". 

 I thought back to other times I had similar reactions in a discussion. It was true on so many levels,I really don't like not providing what is expected of me or having him and others  who I respect disappointed in me- but there was also another layer to that. Those who read my comments on other blogs can attest, I tend to see things very differently than others, (thank you dyslexia). Most times this is a very good thing, but it still always makes me feel like a fish out of water.  Earlier in the week it was pointed out to me on a blog I had commented on.  So B's comment was adding insult to injury.  Just like the post where  I had put my comment on, I reread B's question several times.  I couldn't for the life of me see where I had errorred. What I had missed.  Couple that with not living up to his expectation, after putting myself 'out there' for him it was basically soul crushing.

 And if I am to be honest, brutally honest, I am still not over my feelings on the matter.  Yes I *am* insecure when it comes to writing, especially because I am now unprivate again and many of my longtime readers are no longer. I am forever second guessing my comments and posts because they seem so out in left field compared to others. BUT this is who I am and there is only one way to get over those demons and that is to plug on! (no pun intended)


What is pain to you, physical, and emotional?

I am going to assume you mean within the context of our dynamic and not me stubbing my toe? 

Physical pain administered within the context of our dynamic is the exchange of power in the highest, yet also most basic form. Physical pain, once accepted is the emptying of the mind. It is the restoring of power. It is the ultimate surrender to a dominating force. Pain not only empties the mind, it breaks down walls, and secures the submissive heart. Depending on why the pain is being administered depends on what it does to me. I am not often one who needs the pain to release the guilt. I am more the one who requires it to restore the balance of power in my mind- or at the very least start that process. In addition to restoring the balance of power it solidifies to me that whatever has occurred is truly important enough for you to make sure I have felt your displeasure

My mindset

 Pain ( Merely one way pain is administered. It doesn't always take this form)

Balance of Power Restored

 It is the exclamation point to your words. I wouldn't say that pain alone is the deterrent for not repeating offences, but the fact that you administer it brings an air of authenticity to the significance of our dynamic from you and shows your desire to keep us in our designated roles. In some twisted way the fact that you physically dole out pain if I am not being submissive, in action, attitude or words says to me that my submission is as important to you as it is to me and that neither of us should expect any less.

Physical pain alone for me is not erotic. The power exchange must exist in order for the pain to contain an arousing aspect. It took me a long time to figure out why erotic spankings were not for me, or why resets seemed to take much longer than punishments to 'set the stage' for a physical change in me. They both were lacking the type of power required for my mind to allow those walls to come down and allow the sexual being out. Of course your resets are different now but they still do take longer than a punishment to allow myself to let go- to feel my submissive self reemerge.

Physical pain for your pleasure is entirely different, yet it isn't. There is a power exchange occurring but the context changes the emotions during that exchange. Currently, I still need to be informed when I am submitting to pain for your pleasure. Physical pain often manifests itself in anger which can have my head swirling in countless directions. Knowing in advance that my pain is strictly for you helps me channel more helpful emotions which dull the anger response that comes from the biting, instant pain. While I don't enjoy that pain, the fact that you do and the fact my submitting to you for it (eventually) instills a bit of submissive pride in me. I did say eventually. If you stop before I can reconcile my anger response to the latest strike- well eventually might come after more snarling and

Emotional pain is the worst type of pain I can experience anywhere, but particularly within the context of this dynamic. Since starting ttwd a great majority of old walls have come down, which is a wonderful thing- yet it isn't if emotional pain arrives. Without these old coping mechanisms that are not, the emotional pain is quick, raw and often lingering. I have no choice now but to feel this pain as I cannot seem to suppress what I used to. Often the emotional pain can manifest itself physically if left unresolved or at the very least it can cast a dark shadow over many areas of our lives until it is.

Emotional pain to me is the catalyst for attempting to return to my old ways. It is the catalyst for shutting down, and shutting out. It turns down the volume on my submissive voice and sends the negative thoughts to 11. ( Impressive that I can use a SpinalTap reference in a Ds submissive exercise!). Emotional pain snowballs into areas it has no business going, yet it does. It sends out signals of distrust. 

It creates a force field constructed of anger to keep others at bay and to protect whatever is left behind it. Emotional pain feeds itself on self esteem. The longer it is experienced the more damage it creates. This type of pain can multiply and spawn emotional self harm. Experiencing these depths of pain can set our dynamic back to a point where the good has been temporarily forgotten. Its effects can be farther reaching in comparison to any physical pain- especially if ignored for a period of time.

Often understanding abates emotional pain, but given the opportunity physical pain can stop it in its tracks before it has a chance to create more damage.

Monday, April 8, 2019

What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

Barney has (more in the past than of late) given me written submissive exercises.  I find the the reflection they require, depending of course on the subject matter greatly helps me keep in touch with who I am and who I desire to be.  

This was one given to me well over a year ago- I thought I'd share here.

 What personality traits or habits do you most need to overcome in order to grow in your submission?

Respond to assignment in a minimum 300 words.  To be completed for me before 10 pm tonight.  Leave computer on island for me to read when I get home.

Initially when I read this assignment the first word that came to my mind was stubborn. However, I believe that in the case of Dd my stubbornness is actually strength more times than not for keeping us afloat- or at least it was during the onset of Dd. Naturally stubborn wasn’t the word I would end up choosing.

In my quest for choosing, I thought I would create a list; actually thinking this list in it’s entirely would make it into my writing. While I stared at the aforementioned list (argumentative, aloof, stubborn, condemnatory, fearful) it occurred to me that all of these traits stemmed from one specific area. PRIDE.

The definition I first came across to illustrate my point did anything but, “having a high opinion of one’s self” . Yeah not so much. I can and do sometimes take pride in things I have done, but the pride that stands in my way of my submission isn’t that type of pride. I then took to the internet abandoning traditional definitions to find someone who perhaps could explain better than I how pride can stop us from truly being ourselves.

I ended up finding many things on various religious sites. The best explanation I can come up with how pride cripples my growth is this: Pride tends to keep our own weaknesses, mistakes and regret to ourselves. I am no stranger to this. It is pride that keeps me from talking to you concerning my fears, my insecurities, and my needs. It is pride that stops me from submitting. I may become argumentative, and condemnatory, justifying that I didn’t submit because I am fearful of what will happen tomorrow, but if I examine it, it is truly because of pride. I don’t want to face my weaknesses, at least during those times. Often when I am alone, I have every intention of sharing with you the next time I see you. The moment you walk through the door, upon reflection, it is as if I find fault with things so I can convince myself not to share; to close up. As you can also see, I can become condemnatory. By doing so I don’t have to look at my faults and therefore admit to myself that I am not as submissive (anymore) as I once was.

Pride is a force field of sorts. It prevents me from being humble, and therefore stops the next step -vulnerability (which is why certain humbling exercises work well with women). Deep in my heart, okay not even that deep, when we are in a horrible place I KNOW I am the primary reason for it. Sure, I NEED you to pull out my vulnerability in able for me to not be so proud, to be raw with you, but I am the one who hides behind pride. The fear of embarrassment is too strong- not always from you but embarrassment of self.

I think that is perhaps why I get so upset now when we aren’t on course. I know I have it in me to be UBER submissive, and it isn’t that I need you to make me be submissive, it is that I need you to break down all those insecurities that allow my pride to protect me. At the start of Dd it was seemed easier to not be so prideful, on so many levels. The first being that I wasn’t that ‘deep’ into submission, I didn’t have the expectations of self I do now- mostly because I hadn’t felt it as I have; The next being the obvious failure as of late. The more I fail the more I am afraid to fail, therefore refusing to look inward in the presence of you or sharing faults with you instead focusing on what you aren’t delivering as opposed to what I am not protects the reality from surfacing.

I need your help on this there is no denying it. If only I could be open with you as I am with myself in quiet moments. If only I would share with you my thoughts and feelings- the very quiet ones that don’t fixate on you. It seems I have lost that ability to drop the pride. I suppose perhaps my pride is there because I feel like one of us to be ‘all together’ because of our past in ttwd..and even if I am NOT, I must keep up the appearance that I have all the answers. After all I am the one who brought this to our doorstep. I can’t be the one who fails at it.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Personal Acceptance ( And a slew of terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days)

I've had a bad day.  I am not special we all have bad days, and we all will again.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times.  But unlike Alexander in the children's story book with his 'Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day'  I wasn't a victim of circumstance.  I was a victim of my own worst enemy, the one that is located between my ears.

I've had a bad day.  Bad days aren't the end of the world, they just feel like it some times......until one bad day turns into two, or 5 out of 7.  There can often be a snowballing effect that occurs with bad days.  I once read a quote that was similar to " You will keep making the same mistake until you learn from it".  I am not sure I could pin point the actual 'mistake' in these bad days beyond mindset.  How my mindset got to where it was started long ago....but before that, when things were actually 'worse' my mindset wasn't.

Okay I've talked in circles long enough. Years ago, back in 2016, which might not actually be enough time in the vanilla world to use the expression "years ago" but those of us living in ttwd world we know we can live a lifetime in a years ago....I discovered I was *a* submissive.  I wrote an entire post on it and what the significance of this meant to me.  I can link it below if winter is still long wherever you live and you want to read it.  Anyway, that time in my personal life was the most amazing time.  Don't get me wrong, life around me was falling a part.  A family member was dealing with a mental health crisis that was taking its toll on everyone.  Despite life not being perfect I had an inner calm about me.  I wasn't 'searching' for me any longer- not that I realized I had been to that degree.  And even if I had, if you had told me in October 2012 when I started this blog if I was a submissive I would have looked at you like you had two heads!  ( I didn't even like reading the words sub and Dom in print).

Over the years I have joked here and there about being the Poster Children for Dysfunctional Dd ( and later D/s).  I think I once wrote that we were like two blindfolded, naked people wandering around in a room full of cacti, ( you're welcome for the visual). After I made my discovery concerning my inner core, while speed bumps along the way didn't hurt any less as far as our dynamic went, I was still able to pick myself up and know I could be true to me through my submission.

Skip ahead 3 years.  Life has actually gotten better ( please powers that be don't show me you still can make it rain on our parade) but our dynamic has suffered as of late.  It isn't gone.  It isn't even on the back burner, but I am.  After 7 years.  I am not used to this feeling.  

So back to my " Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day".  Somewhere in the middle of our adventure with D/s I began this odd habit if you will. If I was very, very upset, I would find a small nook in our house and cram myself in it to basically bawl my eyes out.  Over the years this diminished to non-existent actually.  There would be the few bathtub, body racking sobbing...but no more making myself as small as possible- until recently again.

I could point fingers and give all sorts of examples as to why I am where I am at mentally- but honestly that isn't going to change the real issue here.  Whether Barney is 'reaching' me with his words, actions, attentions shouldn't be the point.  And for years it really wasn't THE main point.  We started off very slow in some ways with ttwd.  The rules and expectations where there but the consequences were sporadic at best.  I didn't live the life of " Your submission will build his Dominance'.  It just didn't work that way for the first few years of Dd for us. ( Maybe some day B will write his version of why this was but it isn't my complete story to tell).  I am not mentioning this to bring down my husband just to illustrate how my mindset has been altered from where it once was.

My post on being *a* submissive was at a time when I finally accepted who I was- wholly.  Or who I was at that point of discovery in my life. I didn't bring Dd to Barney for accountability, or because I thought it was erotic (not that I view either of those things as bad or less than my situation).  I brought ttwd because I wanted to feel a deep, profound connection with my husband.  I didn't know exactly how it would do that but I read blogs back then and they talked of how life was pre Dd and post Dd and I wanted that no matter what!  I knew that I was the issue ( so I thought 100% at the time).  Not because we fought or I was a shrew, but because I kept myself closed and guarded.  I didn't know why, but I thought maybe relinquishing control to another would help that.  And it did...(and yes knowing that if I didn't do something there might be a slight chance I'd be held accountable for it was erotic...though again back then it was really not probably going to happen).  When B accepted Dd he was as lost as I was.  My submissive post solidified a time in our relationship where we accepted who I was.  I didn't NEED him to be submissive, but he was there to show me he wanted my submission, to help me maintain it and to give me the confidence to accept it in myself because he accepted/wanted/desired it.

Sounds so backwards when I reread that.  I basically needed Barney to accept Dd/D/s so that I could accept myself? Is that not the opposite of what we try to teach our children?  You can't love others if you don't love yourself and all that jazz?...Right back to the cramming and tub crying point.  Today I was in an empty tub sobbing after a "Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (half )Day"  Something Barney had said to me in haste opened up the floodgates for a different reason- beyond feeling frustrated and misunderstood.  It wasn't until I had almost exhausted myself that I had the realization of why I was so upset.

I have long known that I have been struggling with something.  I haven't felt myself for a while now.  Unlike countless, previous times, I have been unable or more aptly unwilling to do what it took to ground myself again back to my core.  I wasn't allowing Barney's words or actions to build my submission like I used to either.  It's actually been like an out of body experience ( um in theory).  I've been deflecting and projecting ( oh don't get me wrong here, I didn't get here on my own...LMAO  but again not the point of this post).  His words today maybe me realize what I was hiding- shame.  I've seen snippets of it here and there.  There have been discussions with Barney and a close friend about sometimes 'hating my submission'.  I have thought " why can't I just be normal'?  Why do I have this need?  Other people seem completely happy and they don't live a different life ( yes , yes who knows for sure).    After my momentous discovery in 2016 and the calm that came over me for a few years after that, I have reverted back to no longer accepting this part of me.

I have no personally valid reason to feel this way.  Could be the dreaded 'HORROR MOANS' or declining numbers of them?  Could be the struggles we've had brought about by various aspects of Barney's growth over time and what that means to him.? Regardless of how it happened, I just can't believe it actually HAS happened.

When we started I was a runner- oh hell no not in the literal sense!  But I would run from any an all confrontation, unless I was steamed and it wasn't about me.  I would roll up like a pill bug at the first sight of uncomfortable emotions.  I later became a digger.  Excavating why?  Why did I react like this?  What has happened in my past to bring out these emotions- was it my past with B or before that?  How do I get passed this.  Now it would appear I am back to running and rolling up.  Nothing will ever change until I turn back to digging again.  

 I can sit here and tell you all the things I should do- one foot in front of the other., communication, writing ( oh yay I did one! ) but my wanting to embrace my need has to be there. I know fear has a great deal to do with it, but fear never used to stop me before. I just don't understand why after so many years, I lost it to this degree.  There is a weakness for me to have the mentality that I  need Barney to validate me through our dynamic.  That is never going to work for the long haul.  It seems like submission built on a house of cards- one gust of wind and it would all come tumbling down. I need to feel my submission is safe and accepted by me first.  I just don't understand how to do that.

One thing I do know my " Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" will continue to multiply if I can't find away back to personal acceptance.  So I suppose that is a start.

( Submissive post from 2016 ~~~~~> I am.....terrified)