Sunday, June 28, 2020

Complications From Loathing What You Need

I know, I disappeared, and most likely will again. Serious interaction on blogs (re mine) seems to be severely lacking so there seems to be very little reason to plug on and share intimate posts publically. 

So why now? Well actually I write this post almost 2 years ago, and life has a funny way of putting us back in places we need to fix over and over again until we get it right. To be frank I highly doubt I could compose a post these days. I'm rusty in so many areas.  Covid life has put a hit on our dynamic yet it shouldn't because we have more time together- too bad our minds seem to have a constant drum in the background that seems to drown out much of our desires at the moment....

Anyway I read in a comment about a month ago something to the affect of " I read blogs sometimes and think of how sad people's lives are".  I am sure the person commenting didn't mean it as a damaging comment.  I want to point out before I continue trying to resurrect my morning's post in my mind again a few things.  I would hope that no one reads my posts and feels sad for me.  I will say that despite the struggles Barney and I have encounter since and even because of starting ttwd,  it has changed me in ways I will never ever be sorry for.  I will admit at times it seems to have caused strife between the two of us, but as I have said before, ttwd is more of a magnifier of issues that already exist more than it is a problem unto itself.  Ttwd has allowed me to unearth myself;my true, authentic self, and even in the future if for some reason we can no longer live this lifestyle that knowledge and feeling will never be taken away.

Yes it has bettered our marriage but often not in ways I read about here and there.  Sure sex is more frequent and more creative.  But honestly that is a byproduct of me being less guarded and allowing intimacy into our lives.  Anyway, that isn't why I wrote this morning.  I wrote this morning because of a few things I was reflecting on in the past 24 hours.

The first being....

 Loathing What You Need


Such an ominous title right?  Here's the thing, I do LOATHE what I need.  This isn't a post about questioning my need for submission ( though one might argue it could be one questioning my sanity).  I don't fault anyone out there that is currently questioning their need for submission, I have been there countless times, but thankfully that ship has sailed! One LESS complication in my life.

No I mean I loathe the things I have to do to cultivate and maintain my submissive heartset.  Do I enjoy being spanked? HELL NO!  I mean not even a reset-though slower to start therefore easier to take in the long run it isn't a fun adventure.  Barney has and will employ BDSM tactics(?) to achieve a certain level of resetting as well.  And while I endure and my body often betrays me to indicate I enjoy it, it isn't something I crave. ( Though I am not a huge fan of 'vanilla' sex...I am more referring to the slight torture aspect lol). What I do crave is the power exchange that is created in both of these scenarios.  Do I find it 'yummy' to be told to get on my knees, or kneel- nope.  Do I find it enjoyable to wearing a plug while vacuuming, kneeling on pebbles in a freezing corner, being told to get off the computer, eat this, don't eat that, wear this, phone me if you want to have a drink/buy something/leave the house ...blah, blah, blah....Can't say I do.  No doubt my face generally indicates that as well.  BUT what I do enjoy is the benefits of doing these things- um more than the relief that I might be punished if I don't.  The benefit of, for whatever crazy reason, keeping  me unguarded.  The benefit of being constantly in my husband's 'cross hairs'.  The intimacy that is created because I have submitted to his wants, especially because I don't WANT to do them.

This isn't to say that when life is grand in the Submissive World of Willie, that I can't enjoy some aspects of submissive acts.  Some things, chore lists etc, actually become more meaningful for me.  Some days that meaning might just be that I accomplished them despite myself! lol . It also doesn't mean that I don't anticipate the needs of my husband without prompting as I do enjoy that but to me that isn't submission.

Do I have thoughts during the day like, " Well I wish he'd just ....."  yes, yes I do.  Now how confusing is that? I loath doing it, but please tell me to do it.  (Of course it goes without saying the fact that he SAYS those 'things' need to be done is a large part of the process as well)  Those of you out there that can follow my crazy rant here would probably understand it for what it is.  For me it is the end goal feeling, not the things I need to do to get me there that is the reason for the submissive acts.  I understand that there are subs out there that LOVE and Crave the acts themselves, for what they are. And I am generally a people pleaser so there is that too. But I mean  they love it, and I say "Good on you!"  I think sometimes life would be so much better and easier for Barney if I did just gleefully spring into action EVERY TIME.  I don't.  As Barney said, " You are 100% submissive - 95% of the time". It is the 5% that he tends to see now.

 (Here is the don't feel sorry or 'sad' for me portion of the post )

The last month has probably been one of, if not the most difficult months in my entire life.  I know it has been THE most difficult month in the last 21 years.  There are a number of factors which have contributed to this outstanding statement,but in truth the hows or whys really aren't important.  It will be a very long time for some factors to be removed, and IF other factors can be fixed they will take a long while with a lot of work as well.  I am generally not one who can sit by and wait for life to work itself out, or to watch on the sidelines- sadly some of these situations require just that.

The one thing I can actively work on is our relationship.  It has taken a direct hit, and in some ways there was no avoiding it as focus had to be put in other areas emotionally.  However in doing so it created a situation where my submissive self became barricaded deep inside.  The dial was switched to Personal Survivor Mode.  See the big issue there?  PERSONAL....not exactly a great word to use in conjunction with ttwd dynamic.  So locked was this dial on the Personal Survivor Mode station, things Barney used to see as indications that I wasn't where I needed to be became a bone of contention.  Resentment.  The dreaded word of any relationship! Why didn't I JUST DO IT??? Were his thoughts.  It is my need after all why don't I just do it?

I was talking to a dear OLD friend last night.  We  often discuss various things but last night was a different kind of conversation, probably due to sheer emotional exhaustion on both our parts. We started discussing our submission in a way perhaps we haven't in a while.  One thing she mentioned to me in reference to something else was, the fact of how fortunate we were to " have experienced the benefits and beauty of submission".  A light went off in my head this morning thinking of that (yeah I'm a bit slow these days).  That is what has been missing these past few months.  Right before the house of cards started crumbling down around us, we had had a pretty wonderful week.  Unfortunately the pressure one felt coupled with and because of  the fulfillment of the other, seemed to cause issues immediately after said week.  I felt deeply during that week.  I felt free and myself again, even though I did screw up, and question myself as to why.  I felt it.  I felt the benefits and beauty of it.  I was once again A submissive not merely BEING submissive (and that is okay if you identify as the latter- I don't mean to put a public hierarchy on it, I am only referring to my personal feelings of self). 

For the last while,and again somewhat due to life circumstances, I haven't felt fulfilled in or with my submission.   This morning I was punished, sigh AGAIN, which you know is part of the deal right? It was physically a challenging punishment to take as I had been severely punished yesterday and that had yet to leave me.  The severity wasn't due to  my act that got me punished but because of my 'act' WHILE being punished.  If you are new here or you know forgot- I tend to be a bit of a hard head which later in the day after my bravado wears off and my butt thaws is NEVER a good thing.  After my punishment I was told to reflect on how I was currently feeling and tell Barney when he asked. 

Okay ladies and gents this is generally NOT a good thing for us! LOL.  At least not of late.  Barney should really know by now that he shouldn't ask questions he doesn't really want to hear the answer too! My response was I felt resentful.  I was punished and I deserved to be based on our dynamic.  I am not denying that.  I felt resentful because I feel like maybe he is putting me in a position to force his hand- literally.  He is trying to get us back on track.  He is being consistent with punishments, but for me, the punishment is a result of something else not working, or being acknowledged.  Please don't take this for me BLAMING Barney for my actions....though I suppose it does sound like that doesn't it? These are actually  his words from the not so distant past.  These punishments are isolated incidents.  Without his active dominance after, there is a void.

I never tested Barney when we started ttwd.  I know I have mentioned that countless times.  I am no saint.  I just didn't do it because he said if he ever thought I was testing him, he would end our dynamic.  I guess that stuck with me.  Have I 'poked the bear'?  Yup.  And as I have also said, I didn't test him because I was afraid that he would 'fail' and then where would I be?  In addition to that, for years I loved just doing what was required of me.  That along with self analysis was enough to help me discover who I was deep down.  But as life changes, and discoveries are made complications arise.  We are all organic in nature as are our relationships.  Those who choose not to continually adapt may eventually fail.  ( If you are married to a pain in the butt like me )

In the past, though not often with a grand amount of consistency, red flags would go up if I was being punished.  Honestly I am an emotional creature (shut it) and punishments often are not a deterrent for me.  What I mean to say is 'in the moment' I tend to forget that my butt is going to fry, or I will be unplugged (electronically) because of my words or actions.  Naturally over time Barney began to see punishments as being a failure on his part because to him I am not fearful of them (ask me right before on day two and see how NOT fearful I am of them).  I now fear the red flags are not being seen, just the red ass.  The building on dominance from the ultimate dominant situation, has been missing. (Save today, but I had already started to write, so just go with me on this one).


As I stated earlier, when situations arise and we find ourselves where we currently are, I tend to see things as isolated events.  One event not really connecting to another.  Barney tends to fixate on one 'type' of dominance during these times.  For example punishments and reactions. However, when things are running as smoothly as they can here

(pretty much as smoothly as this)

Barney can multitask in his domination.  Though punishments are rare in that 'euphoric' state...lol

Here's the thing....there are so many conflicting messages being transmitted out by me...even 5 years in.  

I need this, but I hate aspects of  it

I want you to make me, but I don't want to do it...but I will because I want to.

Make it your own, but don't forget how it affects me

Consistency with punishment is required for effective results- but it isn't all about reacting and punishments

Cultivate but ....

And when we are in a good place, these messages don't seem to be so loud, but when we go off course, everything seems to cause hurt, frustration, and the world's worst secondary emotion- anger!

All of these things of course can be talked about.  The issue really becomes not only putting it into practice, but a practice that BOTH can see.

The issue with 'falling off of the wagon' is the interpretation of the past.  What if one is clinging to the successes while one is clinging to the failures?  What if the one clinging to the successes is also affected deeply by the failures, and is holding back moving forward because of it, yet indicates that the other SHOULD just push through?

YUP....clear as mud.

We are fine (yes the dreaded word).  Barney is holding true to what he currently can.  To be honest it is me.  I am the issue.  I can go on and on as to the whys I believe I am the hold out but I'm not entirely sure that would be helpful.  After all it would only be my interpretation of events.  So the whys to me (for once in my life) aren't as important.  I have to just put one foot in front of the other and follow along- doing the best that I personally can.  But there is the issue, can/ want/ need....sigh what if some of it I loathe and after so long of not believing it mattered if I did or didn't-( you know "If a tree falls in a forest..." )how do I convince myself I should; that it will matter? At the very least to me once again?

8 comments:

  1. Hi Willie,

    I haven't had a chance to fully digest this yet but wanted to comment. Not enjoykng, or wanting to do submissive acts but loving the results it brings, wanting/not wanting him to demand or 'make' us...I totally get it. TTWD is full of contradictions and conflicting emotions. No wonder it's so hard to navigate!

    I'm so sorry to hear life has been challenging lately, on top of the stress brought on by the pandemic. There are times where all our energy, both physically and emotionally have to be directed to one particular aspect of life out of necessity. I

    My hope for you is that life settles some and that you and Barney are able to get back on track.

    Much Love
    Roz

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    1. Hey Roz.

      Thanks for always being you. I do appreciate all your support over the past almost 9 years. Hard to believe isn't it? Nine years- so many twists and turns and a whole lot of nose diving in those years! lol.

      Life is what it is here at the moment and sometimes that requires one foot in front of the other.

      Much love
      willie

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  2. Hello my friend! I rarely check out Blogs anymore but I happened to be in the mood to lurk today and when I do of course I always check on you.

    Wow! believe it or not I get what you are saying! It is hard to describe the conflicting feelings we have sometimes, especially about those things that makes us who we are.

    Willie, the world has significantly changed since we first met. Back then we had a really, really great group of Blog friends to share things with and to both provide and receive support. I went back and re-read some of your early Blogs and it brought back good feelings.

    Unfortunately, there is no simple answer for you dear one. You're being human and experiencing life. Some days great, other days, as in recent past with the pandemic and unrest happening all across the world, not so great. Regardless, every day is a gift.

    If you will permit, I am going to give you a recommendation (you remember how shy I am) that I think will be good for you both. I want you to watch a movie called "Making Time". The last scene of the movie is the message I want you both to see, so invite Barney, make some popcorn and don't be a naughty girl and stop watching before the end! :-) Nina loved the movie as well so there is a girl recommendation for you to go along with mine.

    FYI We are doing OK and after a very long hiatus we have actually begun spankings again. Yea!

    I will check back in a week or so to see if you got this message. You are in my thoughts and prayers old friend.

    Take care of yourself,
    Love,

    George

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  3. George! How I've missed you so! I cannot tell you how over the moon I was to see your comment. I think of you often my friend. Actually not too long ago I was having a Pink Martini ( well a Pink Whitney to be truthful) and you came to mind.

    Do you believe in 'signs'? Earlier in the day I asked the powers that be to help me with my surrendering. To lead me or show me a way to go. To know I was still fighting the good fight not choosing a path that no longer applied to us.....and then here you are! Years later, seemingly out of the blue you showed up and reminded me of the way life used to be here. I so miss those days as well, more than you will ever know!

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond here. I am so please to hear you and Nina are plugging on in whatever way you can. We will check out that movie when we have a moment.

    I miss you dearly my friend.
    Much Love, Willie

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  4. Hi Willie,

    Yes, I do believe in signs, but if my reply was a sign it was God allowing me to remind you of how things were in the past and those fond memories made you feel better.

    Actually, I get how you are feeling. Conflicting emotions are very confusing. Back a few years ago we had a great group of bloggers. I always felt like we were friends who could talk about anything and always received understanding and support in return. You always made me feel confident of my thoughts and perhaps today you are missing some of that kind of personal validation.

    Remember, although life is a gift, some days the gift is better than others, so it is natural to like some things more than others. It is a paradox to loathe the things you need, but then if you enjoyed them, that would be counterproductive to cultivating a submissive nature. Willie you are human and a girl human at that (sorry couldn’t resist) which means you analyze things way more than us simple minded guys!!

    You asked how do you know if it should matter that you loathe what you need. I think you are asking the wrong question because all things that are important to you should matter. It’s just that some things matter a lot and others not so much. We get conflicted when we our priorities get out of sequence and we elevate the not so important things to a position way above what they deserve. It’s OK to loathe that which you need if the need is providing you with an avenue to achieve a more important goal.

    The movie I recommended had a message that touched me deeply. It acted as a light to help me find clarity in remembering what is really important and what really matters most in the cacophony of life. I hope and pray it might help you in the same manner.

    Willie, life is not going to get any less confusing so forgive me for pontificating but try to be more simple-minded and less analytical my friend. Emotional conflicts are never easy to resolve, but I know you will find your way beyond this dear one!!

    Much Love, George

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  5. Willie,
    Just want you to know that I stopped by. There is a lot for me to chew on here all at once. I don't know how you think so fast about so many different things at one time. That is one thing I have always been kind of reserved about during the times where I have ventured out of ttwd blog land and into more d/s stuff, I guess. But, there haven't been enough people in ttwd land since I started blogging, so I felt like I kind of needed to branch out. Like you, I want meaningful and sincere (and fun!) conversations to result from my blog posts. It's hard when that doesn't happen. Anyway, the times I have ventured out, I feel like I can't compete, but I know that isn't the right word. I'm also still afraid of some of that because although I am interested in spanking and submission and some dominance, I don't visually want to see it. And I don't really understand things like polyamory, so I don't know how to even begin to participate with my boring spanking submissive stuff. Anyway, I went way off topic here. Sorry. So many thoughts at once. I hope you see this after all this time has passed since you posted it. Hugs, Windy My email is windyandstorm1989@gmail.com. Feel free to use it. Thank you for giving me yours, too.

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  6. Hello Windy,

    Nice to see you here! Watch out though, as this is my blog so I don't worry about how LONG my comments are- (no doubt you are wondering if I actually DO on yours lol). But this also will mean two comments from me no doubt)

    So, there's a lot to chew on here for you? I have to say that is a very polite way of saying it's a jumbled ramble. I must confess I had to reread this post ( and found several typos). While the date says June 2020 the latter part of the post I wrote 2 years ago. Rather than discussing the post aspect, as that ship has sailed, unfortunate that you didn't pick an older post, I'll just comment on your comment. Oh, I do get email notifications that comments have been made- which is why yours didn't pop up initially when you commented it for some reason that means moderation is on- probably so I don't get bot comments

    I would suspect the way you feel when you venture out into blogland has more to do with the landscape that was created/destroyed in the last 4 or 5 years. It became more about exclusivity in sameness than growth and awareness while supporting all. When I initially started it was drilled into everyone at the time that at the core of most dynamics is the betterment of a relationship between two people- however that looks. Sometimes the tools for that are quite scary to someone who hasn't used those particular ones. That being said, I used to have people who commented here (and other blogs) that were single who had never been in a Dd relationship, men who were/are spanked, such as George up there, erotic slaves, people who just played at spanking, people who failed at it...etc. When I first ventured into blogland and commenting, I hadn't been spanked, not even erotically. Barney didn't even know I had been here, yet the women and men were so kind and welcoming.

    Initially, and for a long while after, I couldn't even relate to the words sub and Dom. Don't even get me started on Master! lol. I used to even change the words as I read them, Master became Matthew. LOL. Obviously I've grown into more than one area of Ds- though highly doubtful I will ever refer to B as Master.

    I want to talk about 'tools' for a moment. It might help you feel a bit less like a fish out of water reading about dynamics that appear very different from your own. I'll use me as an example. Some women/men use acts of service to cultivate submission, or that feeling of it. I couldn't really do that. You see, I have been a stay at home Mom for over 20 years, cooking for, laundry, ironing, those domestic acts of service were already things I did. It has been my job. In order for acts of service to be a helpful tool, the ante had to be 'upped' here. A beige example would be, drying Barney off after his shower, or preparing and serving his coffee every day. For some cooking would be a huge change, so it is in their toolbox, for us it is not. Of course over time the drying off B and coffee fetching became rote, so the ante went up again, which is why you have read above about ice, and pebbles (again that was years ago, the ante has gone up a few times since ;) )

    People as you know have all sorts of varied personalities, histories, priorities, all of which come into play when choosing/accepting the tools they incorporate. I have a friend who is in law enforcement, well I have several actually, who is a submissive. For her being slapped in the face brings down all her walls, and humbles her to the point where she can exist where she wants/needs to be. For me, in theory, that would crush me. I don't think I'd receive it well. Though who knows, maybe it would do the same thing for me? It most certainly isn't something I crave or really think about. Mind you B/we have done things over the years that I am surprised we have.

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  7. ................part two.............

    When I read blogs that contain tools that aren't something I can relate to, I try to move past the details of *how* the blogger got to where they are in the post and what they are trying to say about how they feel after their experience. Of course, there are many blogs that exist just to give details about physical aspects and not the emotional- those ones I don't generally stick around as an avid reader on. That being said, I do not read about poly relationships, because I do not have the self assuredness, or ability to love more than one person, or more aptly watch B's affections go toward someone else- so my ability to find a common ground is severely lacking there.

    I was more than just a little intimidated when I stepped into blogland. There seemed to be so many people who had their sh*t together. There also seemed to be Hohs/Dom/mes that were vastly different than my own husband. It took quite a while before I realized, ACTUALLY realized that many posts were merely snapshots of their lives. It wasn’t until I actually got to know people where I saw that (for most, but not all) these ‘gems’ on blogs were moments. Moments worthy of writing about for sure, but not always the status quo. I also realized this when people would comment about Barney- I would go back and reread some of the things he did or said and reflect on how I would see it if I read those things on other blogs.

    Perhaps for me though, my greatest growth and eventually that of our dynamic actually came when I started meeting people who’s dynamics seemed so vastly different than our own, or the one we felt we were travelling toward. Yes we shared some of our tools within our conversations, but the bulk of the message from them wasn’t that they were more extreme or better, or deeper than us, just that we all had a common goal on some level and that was the primary connection- not how we decided to get there.

    Clearly I’ve rambled enough. Not sure if it helped or not.( I have to end this because our internet is about to go down). But never, EVER worry about going off topic in my comment section!!!

    Thanks for dropping by I sincerely appreciate it.

    willie



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