Wednesday, March 3, 2021

Accepting Myself Because of TTWD

 It's interesting what prompts one's mind to write something.  I was trying to explain to someone the other day, that I can't sit down and make up a post.  It either comes to me or it doesn't.  Sometimes it begins and then vanishes as the day goes on.  I'd make a horrible author, that's all I know. 

So what was my muse today? Something that has been in my head for a while, I just haven't given it oxygen to grow- my submission and what this thing we do really does for me or means to me more accurately.  I've given bits and pieces of my thoughts over several blogs in the last couple of months.  Some interesting discussions have happened, and some out and out shutdowns occurred too.  LOL. I feel I may have already written about this a couple of years ago however.

For years I have read about and participated in many areas concerning ttwd and accountability.  What I am about to say no means is a criticism of anyone's mindset or needs/desires. Accountability as a whole picture was never a good fit for me where Dd /D/s was concerned.  


Sure, that was the initial foray into ttwd for us, but it didn't quite gel.  No doubt we had to go through that type dynamic in order to settle to where we are (or should be *wink*) now.  I'm not going to bore you with history and who I am or was like back then.  I will say that basically being punished was never about a clean slate for me, or even feeling remorseful because of it.  It was never a deterrent, and that isn't a slag on Barney's punishments.  Though, looking back I know it certainly appeared that way.

Somewhere along the way, ttwd became about acceptance.  The acceptance of me and my need.  Punishments were there for various reasons, so B could let it go being one of them.  Of course at the start of all of this, he didn't feel that way.  At the start the reluctant punishment was something he 'just had to do'.  For me punishments were an exclamation point to his convictions .Odd thing to say right after I said he did them because he had to isn't it? That's how confusing it all was back then for me.  I felt like he did it because he had to, yet I ALSO felt that it was his way of showing me that he meant it.  Of course I probably read too much into that at the time- which no doubt contributed to a LOT of misunderstandings, which led to hurt feelings and frustrations for all.


For years now, punishments have meant something different.  Now they mean that B will not accept anything other than my submissive self.  They still aren't a deterrent, mostly because I tend to break rules when I am emotional not because I forget or don't care.  Well truthfully at the time I don't care- because I'm emotional. LOL.   By him choosing to punish me for broken rules, which can range from disrespect to not asking for something, he is actually telling me that he sees I am not who he wants me to be.  This is not a Stepford Wife type thing, it is actually about accepting my authentic self.  If he accepts me as a submissive, he won't accept me as NOT one.  This in turn makes it easier for me to accept myself.  

 So why not just live that way if it is my 'authentic self' ?  Good question.  For a long. long time, I did.  I actually probably 'over submitted' in many ways, and I did so with less consistency than Barney has shown since.  Somewhere along the line something changed, and I will write about that soon, ( I hope, I still haven't written about the darn yo yo so don't hold your breath LOL). Suffice to say, moving slightly to the right of my authentic self is a protection method that doesn't work out well.  It causes confusion for B and further hurt and loneliness for me. Loneliness because I miss myself and my willingness to connect on a deeper level.

In case you didn't already know, there is no real 'arrival' in Ttwd.  



It does fluctuate.  Life throws curve balls, illness, pandemics, job loss, momentary loss of sanity, menopause, MAN-o-pause.   Perhaps one person grows, and the other lags behind? Whatever the reason, it can cause a different type of disfunction or hurt, or coping mechanisms.  Perhaps we tell ourselves things we believe we need to to get by- and eventually if left unchecked we can find ourselves a little further away then we'd like to be from our little Struggling Utopia that we were constructing. 

B obviously has his own reasons for wanting a D/s lifestyle, and they have changed considerably since we started this back in 2012. Maybe some day I can convince him to share what he has discovered or what he 'gets' from ttwd now, beyond fulfilling a need for his wife. Basically,  back then he tried this because I asked him to. I didn't even realize it was a need.  I explained that apparently it brought a closer connection to those who did it, and that is what I wanted most of all.

  We had a difficult time on the onset creating rules ( and yes I said we- that changed to HIM toward the end of the first 6 months) because he couldn't think of anything he wanted to change. I know right? What a perfect wifey I must have been.  And in truth in many ways I was better on the surface than I am now.  I did my thing, made sure he was taken care of and  I RARELY swore (oh man has that changed.  Nothing like a good F bomb when one is 'inspired').  It was difficult to find where we could incorporate Dd rules into our dynamic, until he discovered DISTANCING.  Oh boy, yeah that was a challenge for me- also because he was so used to me distancing, that it was difficult for him to spot.  Anyway, rules weren't a big portion of our dynamic, but resets were.  It was through these that I discovered I could let down my guard and surrender to him.  In a way they supersized my submission, which often caused more issues- I kid you not.  BUT the discovery was made and from that things began to grow.   Unfortunately so did the emotional risk, apparently for both of us. That however is for another post.  

21 comments:

  1. phewwwww a lot to take in... I have been reading (twice to be honest) while I am having my 2nd cup of coffee and supervising the preps for school.

    The first thing that jumps out at me is the rule to ask permission...
    I was in a modified 24/7 D/s relationship with a whack of rules - the one that I came to HATE and made no sense was the 'asking permission' ... IF I was out shopping and saw something on sale that I needed I would text to ask permission to buy it...... but he didn't always get back to me in a timely manner - towards the end I would get frustrated and just buy it whether I had permission or not. The other one that really pissed me off was I had to ask permission to enter a room he was in......one night I stood at the doorway for a good 5 minutes without him noticing me........ REALLY??!! (also because we didn't live together during the week - the rules were more a distraction than anything else) SO my question - how do you keep your 'permissions' workable?

    Then there is 'real life' ..... where you have to make decisions on your own in the moment (can't think of an example - except for disciplining children.. ) don't you find that when you are 'in charge' for a period of time that you don't feel submissive ??? or that ttwd feels false? or maybe a better word is part-time?

    As I understand 'reset' it is punishment for breaking rules ?? BUT if you don't really have rules why the need for a reset?

    Am I making any sense?? my negative feelings towards rules may be because of my horrendous experience with D/s........ help me understand :)

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  2. Good morning! I will answer more in-depth later, but I only have a minute now (I have free time between 2-3:30 so I'll try then) rules and all. Lol.

    Quickly though, things to ask for are leaving a room, not entering. Money spent in things other than groceries. If I can phone a friend -family excluded. I have to ask for medication but that is primarily so he knows I am taking it and that I need to.

    Resets are not punishments. They are more or less to help with my submissive mindset (more on that later) if I'm showing signs of moving away from that but have done nothing to warrant a punishment.

    I will be back to fully discuss this with you but I want to take my time and properly fill in the blanks 💕

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    1. Okay back...

      How do we make our 'permissions' workable? Probably because we do live in the same house 24/7. My permissions are not that outrageous as far as being able to be carried out: Ask to leave a room if we are both in it; ask for medication if needed; ask to call a friend ( sounds like Who Wants to Be a Millionaire) this one is just so he knows who've I've talked to during the day; ask to get changed if I'm already dressed in one thing; ask to make plans; ask to go to bed earlier or later than 10:30; ask to spend money on anything not grocery or 'kid' related. All of these things are not emergency type things, and some really are just about him knowing, so asking alone doesn't always require permission granted depending on the situation. There are others like asking for specific foods etc.

      Okay next-When we had 'kids' at home who were actually kids, I did not have to ask about anything when it came to them. I am their mother. Point.Stop. It was made perfectly clear right from the start that that was one area I would not be deferring to B in. We defer to each other in that area, and yes there have been times when he has told me to walk away from a situation, and most times I did - but that was by choice not because I was being submissive. I've had to make lots of non parental decisions as well in a timely manner. I'm just expected to tell him, and why. I cannot think of any serious areas where this has been an issue. That is not to say there hasn't been times where I 'rolled the dice' and lost. LOL. Made a decision, sort of tweaking the issue to believe it was timely and it wasn't. LOL But anyway, for us it really is also about common sense in these areas.

      Next point- we do have rules. When we first started we had very few, now we have a ton of expectations and protocols or rituals, or whatever the heck people want to call them. So for those I may get punished if I do not follow them. Some I do not really.

      I did write a prompt post a while ago about Resets (https://barneymarriedwilma.blogspot.com/2019/11/tell-me-about-resets.html ) not sure if it will be any clearer if you read it though. LOL

      Let's see RULES: For me the rules we have make me feel seen by B. A vast majority of them deal with my health and safety- so in a way that's sweet. The others tend to make up areas of control or loss of it in my case. Asking permission for example is challenging, not the permission part, but me asking for anything in general. It takes a lot for me to ask for something. BUT it brings me to a very submissive place, one I struggle with going to. I am not sure I can explain it accurately in a comment section. Anywho, the rules/expectations that are not health/safety body wise are sort of mind and submission health. They help keep me where I need/want to be. They are part of the undercurrent of our dynamic that weaves through our days. Many are just rote, I will admit, but some are still a challenge for both of us to maintain, and because of those struggles, they help keep this dynamic front and centre ( negative press is better than no press LOL).

      In other ways rules are also like bumpers on a bumper car track. Some times we have no clear direction, but at least those are there to make sure we don't go completely off the grid. They make me feel secure. They are an obvious indication, when broken that things are not where they should be between us. While I may not like some of the rules I have had or have, they are most certainly not a negative in our dynamic.

      I hope I helped, if not fire away!

      Thanks for the interest
      willie

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  3. My wife holds my hand, in the matter that shows she is in charge. My wife knows me that it was clear who would be in charge. I make good money, she is the wise one, but I do normally get what I need, or want to an extent. The marriage is strong and one thing she learned for her mother (who is now widowed) that wife and mommy go together, meaning the husband will act childish at times and should be dealt with as such. She spanks, punishment fits the crime, always over her knee and always bare bottom. My mother-in-law was present for one spanking, it had already started. She encouraged her daughter to spank harder, longer, and insure when it is over he has learned his lesson. Jack

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    1. Hello Jack,

      Sounds like you have most of the kinks worked out with your kinks. You must feel very fortunate!

      willie

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  4. Willie,
    You're too hard on yourself regarding your writing.  Perhaps you feel that writing "free association" style on your own blog doesn't make you author material, I don't know, but that isn't my favorite way to  write and I have to edit and revise like crazy.  (Not that I'm an author either! lol)  I rarely sit down and write a complete post in one sitting.  But, we don't care if you do it that way or not, as long as you're blogging!  

    I do believe that one of your writing strengths is when you are analyzing others on their blogs.  The feedback you give us is often constructive, helpful, enlightening because you throw a bit of yours and B's experience in there. I know that when you comment on my blog (the past year or so  LOL) that I do not feel patronized nor scorned.  Sometimes challenged.  And I dog gone well better be ready to think about whatever it is you're sharing with me because there's some real meat there.  The discussions (and not the accolades, which are nice, and sometimes appropriate, but get tiresome for commenters and bloggers alike) that take place as the results of the comment section is full of ideas and exchanges among all of us in blog land.  And who cares if we disagree as long as we do it with respect.  I see this part of blog land developing and I love it.  This is not how it has been since I joined 3 years ago.  I know all you long timers (not calling you old, just referring to your blogging years lol)  say it used to be like this times 10, but it's still fairly new to me.  

    The second place that I believe your writing and analysis is best is when I share with you anything about mine and Storm's relationship......... how you break it up in parts and then respond is really where you have some of the more helpful ideas,observations, and the most insight. ...... and what blows me away is the questions you ask me in return. I have found myself saying out loud, how does she know to ask me that?  And it isn't a nosy type question that you're just wanting the answer to (been there, done that, no thank you! lol) ...... it is one that you're often asking me to ask my own self and reflect. 

    So back to this post.  If it is one thing that I have learned about you in the short amount of time that I've known you is that you are a submissive at heart, you cannot be true to yourself if you are not living that, and that B wants you to be your true self so much that you're in big trouble not necessarily for breaking rules, but for shutting that part of yourself off to him and to yourself.  So, yeah, I am a big believer in the authenticity of self within the realm of ttwd.

     My question is why do you feel you fight so hard against being submissive (accepting your nature and fighting the need to be you) ? 

    And what is it about distancing and women......why do we use that as a defense mechanism and why are we so doggone good at it?   I laughed when you said B didn't know you were doing that all along until he learned to recognize it. Good for him.  Storm recognizes it in me, but we'll see if he acts upon it. Those in the moment things are something we still have to navigate through. I don't know what I am going to do when he tries to spank me when I am really pissed or upset.  Bend over and take it, I hope.  But throw those emotions in like you said..... and watch out.  I might not care what rules I break either!

    Hugs,Windy

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  5. Hi Willie! Yes, I'm still around. Just not blogging. Haven't really had much to say. Still trying to find our way, I guess. Trying to put it in words, it was just getting a bit repetitive and seemed that I was just encouraging myself to whine about it. I'm happy to see you writing here!

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    1. So great to see you!

      I understand what you mean about writing the same old thing. Sometimes the pressure of blogging, what to write, what not to write, being vulnerable or hurt, can just be too much.

      But! I'm selfishly happy to see you return to commenting at least!

      willie

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  6. Hey Windy,

    I don't know what 'free association' style is, but okay ;) It takes me the better half of a day to write a post and I usually do it all in one sitting- AND STILL make mistakes.LOL As for the'we' just care that you're blogging, you mean the 3 of you? LMAO.

    It's okay you can call me an 'old' blogger. Maybe even a stubborn one. As for disagreeing comments, I think that is where the real growth can begin with people, provided they want to grow. I saw a blogland in the last 3 years which was not an area I wanted to be a part of ( and now I know my instincts were right- so thank you) I was fortunate that for the first few years of us trying ttwd I was surrounded by so many positive women and men, who more than made up for all the garbage that went on in other areas. I cannot tell you how many times I had wished they were still around for newer people arriving on the scene. For me this has never been about accolades, recognition, or influence- though I suppose with some of those things comes volume of traffic and commenters who can help facilitate conversations. THAT is what this is about for me, and that is how I was 'raised' as a blogger. LOL I do hope for your sake that things do turn around. Obviously I'd like to have that experience again, but I'd like it more for you so you can rinse some of the bad taste out of your mouth.

    Okay, now that that's done. Is it a cop out to say that I have planned to write a post about why I fight so hard against being submissive? LOL. How about I give you a less than in depth (non willie) answer here and work on a post if my taskmaster gives me a moment or two? lol.

    Continued below

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  7. Part two:

    As much as I feel so very free being submissive, when things are sort of all over the place much like this past year as Covid has been the background music in our lives, it can be like a hermit crab walking around without a shell. An analogy I have used many times. I need B to provide the protection in some ways from the sun so I don't get burnt. It's kind of a paradox really. I feel completely at ease once I'm 'there' and in many, many ways I feel stronger, more accepting, can see all sides of a situation without emotional BS attached, BUT I can also feel raw when I first start to 'transition' into that Uber Submissive state. I have to push myself to get past that point- get past the fear ( a lot like that post FEAR I shared with you). I'd love to say that once you have been on your bullseye it gets easier, and in many ways it does, but it can also be harder when you've been there and now you no longer find yourself there. You now know what you are missing which might have been just a theory before hand, but you also know how empty and horrible it feels when you leave that place. Does that make any sense what-so-ever?

    As for distancing- I think sometimes I do it for a breather from my emotions. Sort of like a turtle withdrawing into it's shell- apparently I"m all about Animal Kingdom today. I am not entirely sure I distance like I used to. I once watched a tv show about babies who are the crawling stage of their development. They did a sped up version of their exploring on their own. If you were in the room with them you probably wouldn't have noticed, but the program showed how they explore but never really that far from their mother/father. I think we do retract and distance to a point, but if we are all honest we are still pulled toward our significant other. Take you sleeping on the couch the other night, tell me before you feel asleep and right when you woke up your thoughts were not of Storm. Or any time you are angry and frustrated that he isn't in your thoughts clouding up your brain and taking over your emotions. I know on the surface it appears that we have turned away from them, and we have in the sense that we aren't sharing, the difference is intent I think. Are we on the couch because we want to show them something? Or on the couch because we just can't?

    I think here B recognizes it because he misses the opposite. In our early stages he didn't have much to go on because that was the status quo often. And in the beginning I truly did distance (before ttwd). My stepping away meant my mind and heart as well. That has not been the case in years.

    As for being spanked when pissed, I will confess to having to be held down LOL.

    Thanks for all your lovely compliments.
    willie

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  8. Hi Willie,

    I'm sorry I'm late to the party here. Very interesting topic. I hadn't really thought about it before, but twd does allow us to be our authentic selves. If our partner accepts who we truly are that in turn allows us to accept ourselves. A kind of validation of ourselves. Interesting point that B accepts you as submissive and won't therefore accept anything else.

    As far a rules go, like Morningstar I too struggled at times with asking permission, especially the timliness issue when apart, such as shopping and where more on the spot decisions were required.

    Love,

    Roz

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  9. Hey Lady,

    Every important guest deserves a fashionably late, grand entrance to the party- so you're not late.

    So you struggled with asking for stuff did you? I am very rarely out alone to buy things wihtout B near me- even more so since this pandemic started. It really isn't an issue about time. Like I said, if I HAVE to buy it because of time constraints ( say something we were looking for but hadn't found yet and it was on sale ) I usually can do so with his understanding after. Though, I should be texting him with the heads up anyway.

    Happy to see you here as always
    willie

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  10. The very last thing you said I understood the most - distancing. I am a master at it. And I'm so good at hiding this distancing he never, or rarely, knows it's happening. I wish he could see it and I wish he would do something about it. I sometimes think he's okay with it.

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    1. Oh hello Pk

      It's nice to see you here. As for your comment I think those who feel deeply use distancing as a way of coping. It's much easier to deny those feelings to others or busy ourselves with other things to even deny them to ourselves rather than feel. I honestly have days where I believe feeling is highly overrated!

      I used to think B was oblivious, except how could he know any differently if I didn't NOT distance for him to know? Once we started Ttwd that all changed of course, as I'm assuming when things were flowing for you it did as well. When we go off roading with our dynamic I feel as you do sometimes. May be he is okay with me being distant - eventually he's not though.

      B did say something to me the other day that may apply here for you, "It's gotten to the point that the abnormal way have life has become the normal way". Perhaps that has happened with distancing? Nick doesn't recognize it because it has become the norm again?

      Don't get me wrong, it's so very difficult to break the habit, but if we start small with things that aren't so heavily laced with emotions it becomes a bit easier each time. Sort of like practicing not distancing and building on that. Um not that you were looking for a 'fix'. I'm probably writing to me just as much as I am to you.

      Hope I didn't scare you off! Lol

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  11. This all sounds so very familiar. I think all of this applies to us in so many ways. So many, in fact, that I can't really narrow down one thing in particular to focus on for commenting other than to just say YES to it all. I have always said that acceptance within ourselves about our need for TTWD is a huge obstacle to overcome. Learning to accept that this is who you are and what you need can be hard to get beyond, but once you do accept and embrace it then it opens a lot of doors that you may not have even known were there.

    ~DV~

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    1. Welcome DV

      I agree with how you have written about acceptance as well. Years ago I wrote a post declaring I was *a" submissive. It was a huge break through for me. We initially started all this via DD, and back then it wasa 'be submissive' but not 'A submissive' mentality around here. My acknowlegement led to acceptance and it allowed me several years of growth and the ability to flourish as well as to still feel okay with lean pockets of time in our dynamic.

      Unfortunately things that I thought were set in stone, seem to have started showing cracks over this past year as far as acceptance of self is concerned. Sigh, always a work in progress I suppose

      willie

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  12. Willie, I am going to be really late to your party. I got to read all of your post and all of the comments this way, lol. Darn, this is a really good post and I learned a lot about you, I thought that I knew a lot already. Anyway, at the end of the day, I am still accountable to Ty. He is the head of the house. We have a few "protocols" and some rules but they are all there to strengthen our relationship or to make me a better person. One thing I like about having adult children is that they don't argue with me like they used to do as teenagers. So that rule has become obsolete. Thank goodness. I think that you are great at being submissive and I love the relationship that you two have. Ty isn't much of a dominant, he doesn't mind being the head of the house (HoH) and he likes keeping me accountable and I am lucky that he is also a sadist. So we are good. I guess that's how I would explain things. I like your rules.

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  13. I will take you any time you can find your way here! Your party without you is like a colourless rainbow...LMAO. okay I even made myself throw up a bit in my mouth typing that *wink*

    Wait a minute you learned a lot about me in this post? Interesting.
    I forgot that you had the no arguing rule. Mind you with so many darn kids, how could one not find at least ONE to be in an argument with. LOL.

    I don't know about how great I have been lately about being submissive. Some days I wish I could go back in time when it seemed to flow much more easily out of every pore ( or maybe I'm romanticizing it? I should really pick a better visual if I am lol). I like how you explain things, and how you can and do accept who Ty is. To me that is success!

    Much love
    willie

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  14. Good evening willie,

    Firstly thank you for your kind welcoming comment on my blog, it was appreciated.

    Being new to blogging I have spent some time reading blogs and contributing to a few, and it has been interesting to me, in that I am enjoying hearing of others thoughts and perspectives, and there have certainly been posts that have made me think (which I don't think is a bad thing), this one of yours being one of them.

    I think acceptance of who we are is challenging, or rather can be at times, add in being in a relationship that is not of the 'norm' even more so perhaps because each person is adapting to changes, quite often big changes especially in the beginning as both are figuring it out, what works what doesn't etc, add into that expectations of what dominance and submission should look like...which begs the question what does it look like? when it can be very different for different people even the people in the relationship!

    It was interesting to me that comments focused on the aspect of asking permission, I do have to ask permission for quite a lot of things, for us a lot of them serve as a reminder of my position in our relationship but also to be appreciative of what I am permitted, as these things (ie. things I have to ask permission for) are privileges not entitlements should he allow them or not.

    PS. I can't seem to find how to follow your blog, which I should like to, oh and I do love your blog name :)

    Claire

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    1. Welcome to my place Claire, and thank you for finding the time to locate me. I'm not sure how you follow my blog from a phone or tablet, but if you are using one, you can scroll to the bottom where it says web version. From there the 'Followers" or 'Follow by email' buttons are located under (I think) the Feature Post Gadget which is The Anger Myth. Hope that helps? If not let me know.


      "when it can be very different for different people even the people in the relationship!"

      Yes! I have found in our 9 years of doing D/s we have often viewed things differently. Surprisingly more in the later years than in the beginning.

      It was a bit interesting how permissions seemed to dominate the comments. I am surprised at what is taken away from a post sometimes.

      I would say asking does many of the same things for me as they do for you. B hasn't really been a big 'no' sayer as of late, or really ever, so at times it can feel like an unnecessary added step, yet I still struggle putting myself out there to ask. It's humbling and does being me to a very submissive place ( regardless of the question or answer). I often ask-tell lol

      willie

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  15. Just now found all these wonderful comments! I was thinking they would be the same on both blogs!

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