Wednesday, April 7, 2021

Putting a Stop to Our Dynamic

The other day B gave me a slight submissive exercise, to come up with 3 topics for a blog post.  He didn't say he was actually going to make me write about one, he's sneaky like that.  Sometimes the initial question is just that and nothing more- sigh.  But this time he did choose to.  I'd like to thank those of you who helped me with ideas, and don't worry they haven't gone anywhere, but he takes 'suggestion' priority.


The topic, " What I learned about my submission that time I put a stop to our dynamic"


 Several years ago now *I* put a halt to our dynamic. If memory serves me correctly it was a few months after B had dipped his toe into aspects of a TPE. Sometime during that period he had uttered words like, “ It scared me a bit because being in total control was intoxicating”. Fast forward to ups and downs of various levels of control, and I told him I wanted a break from our dynamic. I wanted him to get his sh*t together and decide what exactly he wanted! ( Because I’m Uber Submissive like that).



No suprise for those (4 lol) of you who read my core post, I can be very deeply touched when my submission is engaged, and bruised ( figuratively) when it is left in suspended animation. During this time it was too painful/frustrating to continue our dynamic. I felt jolted around and thought that maybe if B took time to himself without the pressures of leading me as well, perhaps answers would come to him


What it did do was gave us both a moment to breathe. There was no panic, or pressure of urgency. We did not feel like we were failing or stumbling ( though arguments could be made we did fail because the dynamic was halted). The feeling of HAVING to move forward was taken off the table. Prior, in retrospect, it felt like we were racing forward with this dynamic, but independent of each other. We were running out of breath, and missing the point.


It appeared that B would get manic in his control. I was blindsided, and by the time I caught up, he would become frustrated and give up. Our emotions took over. We couldn’t be rational with our discussions because by time I finally allowed myself to feel what I needed to, he be was gone. He would sink back into himself. It was an endless start and stop, passing each other in between.


Those are the things that happened leading up to the break- but I couldn’t have expressed them during the time we were living it. There was so much ‘static’ in the air- like outside interference or trying to talk in a windstorm.


While he wasn’t happy with the break, nor was I initially, I did begin to feel more myself again. Him not being overtly dominant- he was still dominant but he wasn’t trying to cultivate my submission during this time, seemed to give me the silence to listen for my own submissive voice. It was nice to feel it again without expectation, or even trying. It was nice to just have it flow out naturally. I was able to use less external cues to submit.

 I think I had gotten to the point where I was obeying and being submissive, but not feeling it deep within myself ( I suspect this was because we ventured into TPE waters- as shallow as they were, felt the power exchange in a most wonderful way which lead to a very deep bond, and then it was dropped). I don’t think I was willing to let myself feel my deep submission after a few times of that because it seemed to cost something for me each time. Prior to swimming in those waters, I generally had a feeling that my submission radiated out from deep within.






When we paused our dynamic it gave me the opportunity to feel it again. I have this visual of his ‘manic’ dominance at the time much like when you blow too much oxygen onto a fire, it appears to go out. However, moments later it starts to roar again. Unfortunately there was no moments later during this time, it was lots of oxygen, then a bucket of water - the flame couldn’t grow.

During that time, I somehow changed. I was reacting to his dominance more than I was living my submission. I have long known that his dominance makes me feel secure in my submission. His dominance gives me the ability to let go and accept that part of me, which in turn makes me less guarded. But for *me* his dominance does not create my submission, merely the environment for it to flourish. That is not to say I do not thrive when the power exchange is strong. It takes me to entirely different levels when we are working with each other’s power. There is nothing like the feeling of the exchange and to actively have it reflect back. There is no room for insecurities of any kind then, for my acceptance is found in our dynamic, not from him, but from me.


My sister is a lot taller than I am. I am however quite a fast walker. One time when we were visiting we decided to go for a walk. Before we managed a city block, she grabbed my arm and said, “ STOP! We are going to kill ourselves if we keep up at this pace”. What happened was, she was watching my strides, which are much smaller than her’s and she started matching them. Of course that meant we sped up, which meant I had to take MORE steps, and she sped up again with her long strides, until we were out of breath in such a short time. I don’t know who was taking longer or shorter strides in our dynamic at the time, or even if that was the case. What I do know is that much like my short walk with my sister, neither one of us saw how we were walking. We were only watching the other, and it was exhausting! Someone had to say “ stop”.


Did I know that I’d discover things about myself? Pfft, no! At the time it was CLEARLY all his fault. LOL. Did I carry that new found knowledge forward in the years that followed? Yes and no. I now know when I’m off kilter and leering at B to bring me back,he can only bring me so far. I do KNOW at times, I have to do a lot of ground work on my own, depending on the disconnect. When I have that feeling of waiting for him to go to work so I can ‘breathe’ I know it’s happening again. I need to be alone, to gather my thoughts, dispel the things I tell myself, and push away( or try to) any insecurities I have so when he does decide ‘no more I want you back’ I am part way there. That being said, I still need to know during those times if he has his sh*t together or if he’s just being manic and desperate.

14 comments:

  1. Hi Willie,

    Very interesting observations. Interesting that the pause in your dynamic allowed you to feel your submission again and that B's dominance enables you to accept that part of you. As you said, the pause gave you both breathing space with no pressure.

    I'm curious as to whether you felt more free during this time, and I don't mean in the not being chained sense lol

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Roz,
      Sorry for the delay. Long end to the week last week and then B wanted to comment first for some reason 🙄

      Did I feel more free? I think I felt lighter for a bit. Did the usual whoo hoo, you can't tell me what to do for a minute or two, but ultimately after a few weeks I probably missed it more than I felt free.

      Willie

      Delete
  2. willie - I have a question for you (and yeah yeah I know it's not March - grinning)
    When you talk about moving away or B bringing you back - can you tell me what that looks like?? do you go completely vanilla? do you keep some parts of the dynamic and ignore the others?
    Do you sometimes feel as though you and B are in the same book but definitely not on the same page?? are you striving for TPE or something else?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry to leave you hanging Morningstar, it's been a bit of a time since I posted this---- fortunately life is better now.

      You never have to apologize for asking me a question and I haven't participated in March Question Month in years so no point in waiting for then. Lol

      When I say I move away from B (and he brings me back) it doesn't have to do with being vanilla. It basically means I go into myself. I still submit to whatever ( mostly lol) but I am probably just going through the motions of obeying more than submitting. I am distant and in my own little world.

      I wouldn't say we are striving for a TPE, although there was a time B takes about it often. He really doesn't have the energy it reauires- especially with his work and Covid.

      I'm not sure about the book/page thing. He tried to answer that question under Claire and it confused me even. Lol

      Delete
  3. I was going to ask the same question as morningstar re: are you striving for TPE, but she beat me to it lol

    The analogy you provided of walking with your sister was spot on, I will add though that sometimes I have felt that my Master is ahead of me and is waiting patiently for me to catch up, to get me to where he wants me to be, and I have come to terms with that, that we are not always at the same pace in where we are heading.

    Do you feel frustration or does B at these times when either one of you is not on the same page/at a different speed than the other? (ok lol I just realised, looking up Morningstar has pretty much asked the same thing) I'm not deleting now, I just bloody typed it out!

    We had a break, where I left him, because I was finding enslavement too hard/didn't think I wanted it (long story short) and on reconnecting attempted to completely change our dynamic to bedroom only, it was a disaster, made neither of us happy, the point is sometimes ttwd is damn hard, even feels like it makes things worse, but if both really want it I wander perhaps if it needs to be that way to get to the other side....or I could be damn wrong :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Claire,
      I response to you and Morningstar I will take a shot at answering your question.
      I do feel Willie and I are working through the same book but are often not on the same page. Yes I believe it is very frustrating for both of us. Willie has put a lot of effort into this relationship (dynamic) and at time's has been chapters ahead of me, especially when I have put the book down for too long. Reading along, though, with different perspectives can also lead to different conclusions on areas of the book. This makes for challenging discussions where feelings are vulnerable and emotions run high.

      Delete
    2. Um...well there you go? As for the TPE part, I guess I can cheat and say I typed it in response to Morningstar? Lol.

      I don't know if B has ever been far ahead in this dynamic compared to me - what I meant was that there are situations where he expected my submission to instantly spring back to life after his dominance has appeared dormant - to match his enthusiasm and for various reasons I couldn't. I usually start to come around the same day but not fully.

      I believe a lot of people can do a bedroom only dynamic and it be completely fulfilling for them. I on the other hand can not. I need everything else in daily life to feel the dynamic in the bedroom is not just okay- again that is my wiring, not a judgement that those who do bedroom Ds strictly are just players. So we'd be a disaster too.

      Sorry I took so long to answer. Had a challenging end to the week and as I said above, B said he wanted to comment...so I waited...and waited...and waited. Lol

      Delete
  4. Willie,
    Way to scare us with your title. Gah! Glad you haven't currently stopped your dynamic. Or permanently.

    I'm with Claire on the, "sometimes ttwd is damn hard, even feels like it makes things worse." I have posted such a thing in the past that Storm and I fight more (okay, I fight with him and he stares in silence) with ttwd than we did without it. And so I wonder why do so many of us keep trying? I think you once said to me something to the effect that there is nothing else like that feeling (whatever feelings we are seeking in our own particular dynamics).... but the valleys in between the highs are difficult. I've been sick this past month so we haven't been able to put much into practice here. Grrr, just when we got off the ground again. Looking forward to your answers to the gals here. Hugs, Windy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay bear with me- phone typing!
      There have been times I have DEFINITELY felt it can make things worse. My gf once told me that being unguarded at first is challenging because it removes your filter and that is both good and bad until you relearn how to use it properly. Lol. I suppose it is just like unleashing emotions w had bottled up for years. We have to control them eventually but at first they seem to fly out at a rapid pace! At least they did for me. I think I cried 20nyears worth of tears in the first 2 years of Ttwd.

      Why do I continue to try even when it's so hard, because I have no choice. This dynamic allows me to be who I am. I feel authentic. That in turn allows me to feel - which is something I didn't fully do for years. It helps me stay unguarded and enjoy (an sometimes loathe ) life to the fullest. It is like drawing back a curtain and letting the sunshine in. Some days it's raining, but you know the heat of the sun will be back.

      I hate when momentum has stalled. Life is annoying like that. We've been there several times. I try to look at it as a volume button and sometimes it is turned down, but the music is still there.

      Okay that is more than enough analogies for one comment. Lol. I do hope your health picks up soon.

      willie

      Delete
  5. Yeah, it's stupid hard.
    And harder with it's absence (annnnd i didn't realize you were blogging!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Bleue!

      What a relief that you didn't know I was blogging - u was afraid I offended you (or worse) bored you. Lol.

      Yeah to the stupid hard!

      Happy to see you here

      Willie

      Delete
    2. Pssst..... I told you people didn't know you were blogging again!! See?! Maybe we need to re-launch you because I know you would looove that. LMAO

      Delete
    3. Oh someones getting launched - into another stratosphere !!

      Delete
  6. HA! you know, i tried to be quiet about blogging again, until i was added to blogrolls...sooo... *hugs*

    ReplyDelete