The other day B gave me a slight submissive exercise, to come up with 3 topics for a blog post. He didn't say he was actually going to make me write about one, he's sneaky like that. Sometimes the initial question is just that and nothing more- sigh. But this time he did choose to. I'd like to thank those of you who helped me with ideas, and don't worry they haven't gone anywhere, but he takes 'suggestion' priority.
The topic, " What I learned about my submission that time I put a stop to our dynamic"
Several years ago now *I* put a halt to our dynamic. If memory serves me correctly it was a few months after B had dipped his toe into aspects of a TPE. Sometime during that period he had uttered words like, “ It scared me a bit because being in total control was intoxicating”. Fast forward to ups and downs of various levels of control, and I told him I wanted a break from our dynamic. I wanted him to get his sh*t together and decide what exactly he wanted! ( Because I’m Uber Submissive like that).
No suprise for those (4 lol) of you who read my core post, I can be very deeply touched when my submission is engaged, and bruised ( figuratively) when it is left in suspended animation. During this time it was too painful/frustrating to continue our dynamic. I felt jolted around and thought that maybe if B took time to himself without the pressures of leading me as well, perhaps answers would come to him
What it did do was gave us both a moment to breathe. There was no panic, or pressure of urgency. We did not feel like we were failing or stumbling ( though arguments could be made we did fail because the dynamic was halted). The feeling of HAVING to move forward was taken off the table. Prior, in retrospect, it felt like we were racing forward with this dynamic, but independent of each other. We were running out of breath, and missing the point.
It appeared that B would get manic in his control. I was blindsided, and by the time I caught up, he would become frustrated and give up. Our emotions took over. We couldn’t be rational with our discussions because by time I finally allowed myself to feel what I needed to, he be was gone. He would sink back into himself. It was an endless start and stop, passing each other in between.
Those are the things that happened leading up to the break- but I couldn’t have expressed them during the time we were living it. There was so much ‘static’ in the air- like outside interference or trying to talk in a windstorm.
While he wasn’t happy with the break, nor was I initially, I did begin to feel more myself again. Him not being overtly dominant- he was still dominant but he wasn’t trying to cultivate my submission during this time, seemed to give me the silence to listen for my own submissive voice. It was nice to feel it again without expectation, or even trying. It was nice to just have it flow out naturally. I was able to use less external cues to submit.
When we paused our dynamic it gave me the opportunity to feel it again. I have this visual of his ‘manic’ dominance at the time much like when you blow too much oxygen onto a fire, it appears to go out. However, moments later it starts to roar again. Unfortunately there was no moments later during this time, it was lots of oxygen, then a bucket of water - the flame couldn’t grow.
During that time, I somehow changed. I was reacting to his dominance more than I was living my submission. I have long known that his dominance makes me feel secure in my submission. His dominance gives me the ability to let go and accept that part of me, which in turn makes me less guarded. But for *me* his dominance does not create my submission, merely the environment for it to flourish. That is not to say I do not thrive when the power exchange is strong. It takes me to entirely different levels when we are working with each other’s power. There is nothing like the feeling of the exchange and to actively have it reflect back. There is no room for insecurities of any kind then, for my acceptance is found in our dynamic, not from him, but from me.
My sister is a lot taller than I am. I am however quite a fast walker. One time when we were visiting we decided to go for a walk. Before we managed a city block, she grabbed my arm and said, “ STOP! We are going to kill ourselves if we keep up at this pace”. What happened was, she was watching my strides, which are much smaller than her’s and she started matching them. Of course that meant we sped up, which meant I had to take MORE steps, and she sped up again with her long strides, until we were out of breath in such a short time. I don’t know who was taking longer or shorter strides in our dynamic at the time, or even if that was the case. What I do know is that much like my short walk with my sister, neither one of us saw how we were walking. We were only watching the other, and it was exhausting! Someone had to say “ stop”.
Did I know that I’d discover things about myself? Pfft, no! At the time it was CLEARLY all his fault. LOL. Did I carry that new found knowledge forward in the years that followed? Yes and no. I now know when I’m off kilter and leering at B to bring me back,he can only bring me so far. I do KNOW at times, I have to do a lot of ground work on my own, depending on the disconnect. When I have that feeling of waiting for him to go to work so I can ‘breathe’ I know it’s happening again. I need to be alone, to gather my thoughts, dispel the things I tell myself, and push away( or try to) any insecurities I have so when he does decide ‘no more I want you back’ I am part way there. That being said, I still need to know during those times if he has his sh*t together or if he’s just being manic and desperate.